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Pages 49-53 of "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" state that you should only sort your own belongings, never the belongings of anyone else in your household.

Anyway, I think y'all can work through this. Communication is key! Don't accuse her of fucking up and throwing out your shit - even though she did - but express that it felt like a breach of trust, which is what's most important. Get on the same page about belongings and what expectations you both have.

My husband sounds similar to you in that he has many items, and I've gotten a strong urge to just throw out his stuff, because it's unlikely that he'd miss it. I didn't because it felt like a breach of trust. I did talk to him about organizing and donating some of his crap, and when I started cleaning into his area, he'd urge me to focus on my own things.

I wonder if you both view the clutter problem differently (she sees you as a hoarder, you see yourself as 'quantity over quality'), and this came about because of that? My husband was also raised in a much messier home than me, so his tolerance for mess is higher.

It's still all kinda there if you go t o Auschwitz, the Nazi's tried to destroy the evidence but it's still there and it's gut wrenchingly disturbing when you confront yourself with it. I can understand why someone would chose to deny it happened. It's hard to come to terms with what human beings did to fellow human beings (and still do).

Edit: OP's bf should read Maus by Art Spiegelman. Might not help but it's a damn good graphic novel all the same.

Yes, let the world tear you down. Let your partner support and build you back up.

Want to help him? Buy him guidebooks that address some of the issues: Strunk & White's Elements of Style. Stephen King's On Writing. Lynne Truss's Eats, Shoots and Leaves. Any bookstore or library is going to be full of stuff like this.

You shouldn't rely on his hobby as the foundation for career choices or major life decisions, (ie. quit jobs or not invest in a retirement account) but there's no need to be so negative and dismissive of his efforts. Even if he's terrible.

If he asks you for honesty, give it (gently) but otherwise do your best to provide kind support. That's the best thing you can do for his hobby and for your relationship.

In the book The Millionaire Next Door, the authors found the unfavourite kids were more successful. The story invariably went the family decided the more able kid didn't need the help, and instead piled it into the "weaker" child. Except... This had the opposite effect. The less-able child became even less able, while the more able child became even more capable.

It's hardly a hard and fast rule, but I've found it to be reasonably true. One girl I went to school with was given everything on a platter and it was painful to watch her piss it up a wall. It's like every time her parents gave her something she had to find a new way to squander it. You might find your sister won't feel any pressure to achieve so will end up with a mediocre degree and a mediocre career because she doesn't feel the same pressure as you.

That's not to say your situation doesn't suck, but being the Golden Child sounds like a life of stagnating and never feeling any real burning need to do well. You can bring this up with them, but they'll probably never admit they were being unfair or will try to justify themselves with trumped up transgressions. Let them have their favourites and move on to better things.

Please take care of yourself, OP. You're working yourself into a frazzle and I feel bad for you. At a minimum, leave the darn dishes in the sink the next time you've worked a 14 hour day and are so tired you're going to drop and the hubby has left the kitchen a mess. If you can't lower your "be debt free" standards, work on lowering your household chore standards. Maybe gift the hubby with a copy of Your Money or Your Life to revitalize his interest in being debt free. And get counseling--personal, financial, couples and financial. (As an aside, I've never in my life had $500 fun money every month. Boggles my mind.)

OK, so therapy and meds are out, but there are some other options.

First, the big disclaimer: one feature of clinical depression is a feeling of helplessness. One important aspect of recovery is initiating action, making choices, and doing things. So while I can offer you a lot of suggestions your husband won't really get the benefits if it's something that's forced on him, versus something he chooses.

1.) Look for a gym in your area. There are no-frills gyms like Crunch, or even your local YMCA or Parks and Recreation district. If you can get your husband to exercise (ideally 3/week for 30 minutes at a time) that can alleviate some depressive symptoms. Plus, working out at a gym means a locker room with showers.

You're both students? So see if he would agree to signing up for a PE class at the college. Whether its basketball or jogging or swimming laps, that's an easy way for him to get exercise at a reasonable cost.

2.) Is your husband a reader? Is he good with English? If he's willing to read, and OK with self-directed activity, "The Feeling Good Handbook" (cheesy title, I know) is a very good introduction to Cognative Behavioral Therapy, which is very useful for helping people function with disordered thinking.

3.) You both go to school full time? As in, college? Your college should have a health or wellness center, a place where you can get low-cost basic treatments like flu shots. Find out what kind of counselling options they have, and present that information to your husband. Again, if he's already on campus, it's right there, and doesn't cost much, why not try it?

4.) Even if you can't get your husband to follow up on any of those leads, do so yourself! Get some regular exercise, and talk to someone at the college wellness center. You cannot take care of someone else unless you are taking care of yourself first.

Some messy people literally do not see the mess. They put things down and the things instantly disappear. I'm not really joking about that, I know how it happens and it's very hard to change. It's stressful on whoever is tidier, even if that person isn't super tidy. I don't have a great solution, because she has to want to change, but it is possible to change. I've found having a very clean place to start with helps--it makes the things that are out of place more visible. You'll have to help with that, but maybe it could be a start. We've been working through Marie Kondo's "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up: The Japanese Art of Decluttering and Organizing" and even though we've only done clothing so far I can feel the difference!

Having an unstable sense of self is actually not too uncommon. Hell, a lot of people go through it as teenagers and young adults. It doesn't make you a bad person. But it does make you alienated from yourself, whoever that might be, which affects your quality of life. Therapy helps, meditation too (the book Wherever You Go, There You Are is a great resource on mindfulness). If you don't have trouble experiencing strong emotions or respecting other people's emotions, and you have a felt sense of right and wrong, you're not a sociopath. You're a people-pleaser who is maybe scared of discovering/developing who you really are because you didn't experience enough unconditional love as a kid. Unconditional love is what lets kids be themselves, and while you can't expect that kind of love as an adult (it would be unhealthy) except from a pet, you CAN make up for that lack in a therapeutic environment.

As a naturally messy person, I can tell you that it is true that having less stuff makes it easier to to keep things clean. The less stuff there is, the more likely it is that everything has a place, and the easier it is to get the item into its place.

It's obvious that in your case, you getting rid of stuff is not going to fix this problem. You might challenge her to declutter. Could you come up with some sort of deal that you'll declutter as soon as she does? Or that you'll get rid of one item for every one or two items that she does? I'm sure there's something creative that you could come up with. Treating it as "our" problem even if it isn't would probably keep her from getting defensive (and refusing to do anything to improve).

Decluttering is all the rage now, so there are a lot of great resources. The KonMari book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up is a really good one. Maybe buy a copy and both read it?

He sounds really insecure.

Ways of coping: 1. Make a bingo card with your girlfriend of things he regularly says about poor people. When you're around him you two are playing, first to bingo gets a prize, like a massage from the loser later that evening.

1. Call up a friend afterwards and laugh about him together.

2. Read the book The Millionaire Next Door about how the rich really live.

Tell him to read Cal Newports book "So Good They Can't Ignore You." It's about how to have a successful career by getting in demand skills, which means putting in the grunt work to learn said skills. He also talks about the fact it is normal not to love your job all the time and the pursue your passions is terrible advice.

Alright man if what you need is to hear good things, then it will be okay. And it will. The Buddhists have it right. Life is mostly suffering. The real trick is learning to look past that, at the moments of happiness, and to learn to be happy in the moment. It's not easy, but you can do it because anyone is capable. You got this.

So: start by enjoying something today. Something small. If it's sunny, close your eyes and turn your face to it, enjoy the feeling of warmth; go outside or open a window and listen for birds; admire a shapely tree. If these natural things are unavailable due to living in a city, if you can, go find them, but if that's too complicated, don't sweat it. You can find those moments anywhere. Even five seconds helps. The satisfaction from a well-cooked and enjoyed meal, even just the feeling of the warm water in the shower. Try to get your girlfriend to think that too. Yes it's hard, and it takes practice.

I'd suggest almost any book by Thich Nhat Hahn as a good start, something like The Miracle of Mindfulness.

Hey so back to your life and its troubles. Yep they're still there. But, if you were happy for a moment or forgot them for a moment, good, you got the job done.

Second order of business is trying to figure out how to get your girlfriend more help, or how to enable her to help herself more. I know you're in a tough place but you are unhealthily codependent, and if you're purchasing a house that's super stressful too. So somehow work on keeping yourself sane and separate enough that you can maintain yourself too. But like I said, you got this, put some real work into mindfulness, hell, if all you get out of it is a way to space out while doing chores it's a win. But it just may transform your view of the world. Good luck out there

Encourage him to take a writing class. Probably at a local university or maybe even a community college. Or sometimes writers will do workshops that you have to pay for but are not attached to a school. In that environment he will have a professor and a group of peers who will critique him and he will have to learn very quickly to accept that criticism and learn from it. If you can, buy him the book "The Elements of Style". It's all about grammar and proper sentence structure. But it's also recommended as essential reading for writers. It's nice of you to read his stuff and support him. But maybe before you start reading a piece ask him what kind of feedback he would like from you. Don't tell him that he is terrible but gently encourage him to get better. If he has dreams of being published he will most likely not get any responses past them letting him know they haven't accepted his work. An editor will not spend time reading and working on a manuscript that will not get published. You could recommend that he listen to the posdact Writing Excuses. It's free and there's an archive of it online. They have great discussions and even have visiting editors and other writers to answer common questions and give advice. That'll help him see how much time people spend on actually building up their craft and hopefully it will motivate him to get better.

No relationships advice. Not really my forte. I would suggest you or your husband head to the library and check out The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas Stanley. Statistically you and your fiancé are going to be much better off financially and much more independent throughout your lives. If nothing else, it should help you view your situation in the best light possible.

Cliff notes are that younger sis will always be beholden to mom and dad. She might have nicer things, a bigger house, etc., but will likely be depended on mom and dad to pay for those things.

Even if she is an exception and ends up truly financially independent, the flip side works for you and your fiancé. You'll have the comfort of being able to act like adults and do what you want to do throughout your lives. You'll learn how to make, spend, save and give your own money. It goes into much greater detail and statistics on 20 years worth of study, but I think it'd be worth checking out.

I don't know if it might be too much, but the book "When Breath Becomes Air" is a memoir about a man dying of cancer. He talks a lot about the process of preparing for and dealing with the fact that he was going to die, and a lot of that is how he and his wife made the the time meaningful. It could help both of you navigate the next few years, but it could also be too on the nose and painful. I'd suggest giving it a look at least! Best of luck and I'm happy this worked out for you both.

There's a really great book OP might like called Your Money or Your Life. It's not really about making tons of money; rather, it's about figuring out how much money is "enough money," and what to do with it once you get to that point.

OP, depending on how big your nest egg is, there might be ways to use it or invest it that will allow you a comfortable, simple life.

• You could buy a grip of municipal bonds and live off the dividends while supplementing your income by voice coaching.

• You could buy a self-sufficient, off-the-grid farm and invite your family to come work it with you

• You could move someplace where what you've earned goes farther

• You could take enough to go backpacking around Africa for a couple years while the rest sits in a high-interest account

• You could use it as a buffer and live off of it while you go back to school or switch into a totally new career - or even take a year or two for "career tourism," working short stints at all different kinds of gigs until you find something you love

OP, the only real currency in life is your time. You can trade your time for money, or fame, or happiness - but ultimately, you're born with a finite amount, and you spend it one way or another until you die. What will you spend yours on?

Money is not the most important thing, but money fights are the leading cause of marriage and relationship breakdown so you both need to sort this out and get on the same page before going any further in the relationship. Buying a house and/or getting married to someone after only knowing them for a year is too soon and that's why you feel like you've been blind-sided.

I won't tell you to call off the wedding, but I would really recommend that you get the audiobook of Dave Ramsey's 'Total Money Makeover' and listen to it together while you're commuting to work. Also listen to his radio show: you can find the archives on his website.

I think if you both work on your financial issues as a team, it could go a long way to bringing you closer as a couple and make your relationship stronger. If she resists getting on a budget and paying off her debt as soon as she can, then marrying her will cause you a lot of problems down the road. That will be especially true if you buy a house together.

Good luck, hope it works out for you both.

plus the texts they sent you!

re: his comment from the initial thread:

> They are full blood siblings yes. The texts started about two 3 hours ago and they said "why would you do that?" and are now saying "I cant believe you would hurt us like that". So I think they have a game plan of some kind set up.

Exactly. There's a great book I read a long time ago called The Millionaire Next Door. Basically, that person became a millionaire by penny pinching, and will absolutely not flaunt that fact.

If you google interviews with Warren Buffett, I believe that he lived in the same modest house forever, and didn't give any of his children or grandchildren part of his fortune because the struggles he went through in life are what made him who he is.

When you want something so badly that you can't readily have, you get ambitious and creative with making that thing work. It might take a lot of hurdles...having babies unexpectedly, waiting years to finish your education, taking out a large student loan rather than buying a house, but those struggles are what build character. I've been through many of these exact experiences in my life, and I can attest, it has not been easy -- but those things make me who I am, and I wouldn't give up those challenges and hurdles for the world. Even though at the time, they really, truly, sucked to experience.

48 Laws of Power and The Art of War are good, specifically (for you and Tony both). I grew up in a swirling cesspool of toxicity, complete with a tv-smashing mom and an enabling dad, the difference being that their craziness was caused by drug addiction and mental illness instead of cult membership. But the same principles apply. I stuck around for the younger kids as well. It is not gratifying and does not satisfy Reddit's raging justice boner, but the right solution rarely does. The up-side of learning to navigate your family's issues with solid war-strategy is that you get really good at it, and it's a skill that will serve you well for the rest of your life.

The book: Your Money or Your Life is more of an introspective philosophy book regarding how to think about money. It actually doesn't have a prescribed budget but has exercises for you to generate your own based on your personal goals and values.

To feel good about things it actually helps to identify your values and how to support them.

It's been a popular title for decades now. There are a few in depth reviews around financial blogs.

Are you in the US? Here's info on health insurance: https://www.healthcare.gov/

First -- I am seriously impressed that you're getting your shit together and planning everything and thinking about these details. That indicates resourcefulness and maturity.

Second -- I agree with your therapist.

Third -- being an adult is confusing, and we're all trying to figure it out. I don't even understand my own health insurance (but I have it).

Fourth -- Good luck.

There are things you can do that don't require a doctor. Books, resources, etc.

"The Depression Cure" (about curing depression without drugs) was a pretty helpful read to me. I'll list the basic things I remember that a person can do at home to lift depression

• regular sleep schedule and adequate amount of sleep

• eat healthy (cut out fast food, sugar and alcohol, reduce red meat)

• regular exercise

• omega 3 and vitamin D and b complex vitamins

• mental health exercises (mindfulness meditation and CBT exercises can both really help)

Another book "The Mindful Way Through Depression" is supposed to be pretty good - next on my list. For CBT, I would recognize "Mind Over Mood" and for just mindfulness "Wherever You Go, There You Are" and "Full Catastrophe Living".

The job application thing is probably not going to get off the ground until his depression is being effectively treated. No one is going to bother looking for the next job when they are dwelling into "what's the point... fuck it..."

Time to start looking into tools you can afford to help treat him, and convey to him that there IS a better life available than this, and you need his active participation to make that happen. Most depressed people feel hopeless to change their circumstances, but still can see the appeal of a kind of life that is less painful than the one they have.

Well, I don't know what to say about his attitude other than (1) he's wrong about mental illness and (2) it goes to show that he is especially wrong for you because he seems to think that instead of treating you with respect and compassion (which he ought to do for his SO anyway, mentally ill or not), he is simply trying to "yell and abuse" it out of you (which would do nothing but make any situation worse).

From what I've read, I've gathered that OCD can be especially resistant to meds. They do work for some people but apparently not all. In your other post, the thing about the socks when you were a kid? That's definitely OCD. Have you looked into other therapies? I hope you have a regular therapist who can help you out. One really awesome book I recommend often is "Full Catastrophe Living" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. It's really good for helping people get their head on straight when they are in difficult situations.

I know you can build your way out of this. Just keep taking one step at a time.

>He was always comfortable living like an artist, with ebbs and flows of inspiration

That's not how being a creative professional works. If writing was his hobby, then yeah that's fine, but it's not. Deadlines and clients don't give 2 fucks about waiting for your precious inspiration. "Inspiration" is like a muscle. You have to be disciplined and train it so you can call on it when needed. Professionals deliver good creative work reliably and on time.

Which might be the problem.. I too chose a creative profession because it's what I was passionate about and I loved my coursework and the freelance work I'd been doing on the side. But when it becomes your job, it loses that magic. I remember the day I realized "This isn't fun all the time, this isn't fun when I have to do it when I don't feel like it."

I've since adjusted my expectations and learned how to treat it like a job rather than a hobby I rely on for my paycheck, but a lot of people don't make that transition successfully. I still enjoy my work, and I'm better at it now.

I recommend the books The Creative Habit by Twyla Tharp, and So Good They Can't Ignore You by Cal Newport.

>Pages 49-53 of "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" state that you should only sort your own belongings, never the belongings of anyone else in your household.

it takes four pages to cover this?

Honestly I agree with other posters who have stated that your comments show a lack of compassion for your partner and an emphasis on "I want, I want". I'm not sure if this is a communication issue so much as an attitude issue.

As others have asked, do you crave a stay-at-home mom for your kids? Do you want her to only parent them? Do you feel concern for her social life and professional/intellectual development, or do you feel like that's not really important stuff for her? Do you hold values that you might call "traditional" or "old fashioned"?

These are all meant as open-ended questions, not attacks. Another poster asked if you want a Stepford wife and you responded angrily, but I actually think it's a valid question. We don't know you. What do you want? What are your values and expectations?

The thing is, if your partner values her self sufficiency and professional accomplishments and you don't...that's not something you can just smooth over with improved communication skills (though improving those can't hurt). If you and she have different values and you have kids to raise, there's going to have to be some talk of those differences and some compromise.

If you're interested in improving constructive communication skills you can read about it online or find books on Amazon. A few titles that come to mind (I'm not allowed to link them) are Non-Violent Communication and Getting to Yes.

1. You mention having attraction to same-age peers. This is GREAT. It is much easier to help pedophiles who are not exclusively attracted to children. You can get help emphasizing and achieving fulfillment from age-appropriate relationships in your life. You have a bright life and future ahead of you. You're already taking the right step of finding help before offending.

2. Stay away from child porn, as this will only set you back in terms of helping yourself completely and fully enjoy life with age-appropriate relationships.

3. Remember that you're not alone! Please read the story on the Medium. Seek out help groups.

4. Shop around for a psychologist. MOST people (not just pedophiles) need to see different therapist before they find one they feel safe with and can trust.

5. Look up mandated reporting laws in your country. You may want to wait until you are 18 to see a therapist IF your current area will legally mandate a therapist to tell your parents AND you don't want them to know. However, it sounds from your post that you may value sharing this with your parents. It is important to do this in a safe space with a therapist who can help mediate the situation. YMMV; you don't know how your parents will react. Read the story on Medium for an example of an understanding mother who cannot tell her husband, the dad, because she's afraid of how he will react (https://medium.com/matter/youre-16-youre-a-pedophile-you-dont-want-to-hurt-anyone-what-do-you-do-now-e11ce4b88bdb).

This isn't getting enough attention. "FWB"is obviously Chris from this poist.

OP, the dude who wants to date you is picking up on the fact that you have an interest in someone else, and that you're using him as leverage to get Chris to date you. You are the worst. The absolute worst. And the fact that you come here and criticize a dude you call a gentleman is absolutely disgusting.

Warren Buffett, in "The Essays of Warren Buffett", frequently derides "efficient market theory" and academic support of this theory.

"This doctrine became highly fashionable -- indeed, almost holy scripture -- in academic circles during the 1970s." (p. 87)

He views this theory as horrendously wrong -- but benevolently wrong, as well, because he is able to profit from its wrongness. And considering his wealth and ability to put his words into practice, there is little reason to believe Buffett himself is wrong.

"Naturally the disservice done students students and gullible investment professionals who have swallowed EMT has been an extraordinary service to us and other followers of Graham. In any sort of a contest -- financial, mental, or physical -- it's an enormous advantage to have opponents who have been taught that it's useless to even try. From a selfish point of view, Grahamites should probably endow chairs to ensure the perpetual teaching of EMT."

And this is in finance, where theories can be quantified and demonstrated to a certain degree. In the humanities there is even more room for dispute and hand-waving.

The point is: "academic social positions" can absolutely be wrong.

Oh man, I feel you.

> Aw damn, another one of these? OK

I believe that /u/vortican is referring to me.

My boyfriend and I (31 and 30, together 1.5 years) just found out that I'm pregnant a couple of weeks ago (my post is linked to this account if you're interested in the details of our quandary). After talking about it for a week or so, we both mutually decided to go through with the pregnancy. We love each other very much, had planned to get married and have children in a couple of years, and ultimately decided that an abortion would be really difficult to cope with. The idea of being parents is terrifying, but people do it all the time in far worse circumstances. And honestly, with every day that passes, we are getting more and more excited. We just booked a fun vacation (during my 2nd trimester) and are talking a lot about how we want to approach parenthood. We want to have date nights, and be sure to continue to build our relationship.

All I can say is that you guys should keep talking about it, A LOT, and decide what feels right for both of you. It's such a personal decision. Either way, it's going to change your life.

EDIT: Also, your feelings sound very similar to my boyfriend's. He wanted to be more prepared, and it took him a couple of days to wrap his head around things. After thinking it through, he decided we should keep the baby (which is what I was leaning towards). He went to Barnes and Noble the next day and bought a couple of awesome books. One is called "Dude, you're going to be a dad", and it has been really helpful for him. The fact that you want to be prepared and understand that being prepared takes work already makes you a better father than many. Please feel free to PM me if you want to. Best of luck to you two!

The difficulty in your daily life likely comes from you refusing to admit that you need to talk about the deeper things that came from being molested by your sister. You cannot let go of a thought or feeling until you admit you've had it. It's all right to admit that what your sister did affected you, that it wasn't okay, that your parents should have done more, that you needed help then and didn't get it. It's ok. That child you were was a victim, but you keep yourself a victim today by refusing to get help and move beyond it. You're insulating yourself from having a sexual relationship with a woman by clinging to this phobia and refusing to admit you're doing so. If you still need to protect yourself in that way, by all means, continue. If not, read The Feeling Good Handbook, or go back to therapy and actually talk, or go to a 12 step program and employ the steps because they actually do help people if people approach them openly and honestly.

>I never had a biohazard room, just stuff everywhere. Even now at 20 I have a hard time deciding what to keep & what to get rid of.

There's a book by Japanese author Marie Kondo called "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" (or something to that effect). It's pretty good at helping cull clutter. She's quite minimalist, and you do have to get past some of the anthropomorphic Japanese things (like thanking your objects for their service before you get rid of them), but her ideas on what to keep and how to decide what stays and is necessary may be quite helpful. She even helps with dealing with objects people have the harder time with: books, gifts, sentimental things.

Libraries will have it, though it can have a long wait. It's about $10 otherwise, and a reasonably fast read. It helped me when I was trying to get rid of a pile of stuff before a move and things left from other moves and splitting a household with an ex.

If nothing else, it's a new perspective, and there's sure to be something in it your find helpful.

Oh the joys of relationships in this technological age... As another commenter has already said, just put your phone away on silent or turned off in another room when you're doing things. This is a great idea for pretty much everyone, don't do this because 'you are needy' do this because you want to enjoy and be consumed by your own life and what it is you're doing in the moment. I'd suggest you look up mindfulness and practice its techniques, and the teachings of Eckhart Tolle, he has a great book called 'The Power Of Now' which also comes in audio book format for easy listening. Good luck to you OP!

If you quit and the result is a 6 figure debt, then you're in some pretty deep shit. Another book I'd recommend would be The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. That book would help you figure out how best to handle money.

You aren't stuck, but rather you simply aren't able to solve the problem immediately. These things take time. Give yourself a timeframe in which you are going to work on these things, and talk about it with your wife. Right now your wife sees that you're not willing to change, and she needs to see that you are willing to change the work hours. If you're not ever going to be willing to do this, then you're headed in a direction to Divorce Ave.

So, I support adults with Developmental Disabilities. Part of the training I recieved was this thing called Reflective Listening. I'd read through the document. While it is specific to adults with DD, it works with everyone. Just, don't follow the script because it can be insulting to people who are higher functioning that my clients. I learned that one the hard way.

I'd focus on the bad ideas section, since I've found that the most useful. The entire series is worth a skim, but this module is the most relevant.

Pretty much, you acknowledge that you hear what she is saying, validate what she is feeling, and show that you care. I'd take a look at the workbook sections and replace them with things she has said or might say in the future.

Your feelings about your dad certainly have a place in your relationship, but not when she is expressing her grief.

Throwaway/unused account b/c what I'm going to disclose is not socially correct.

OP, it sounds to me like you have a falsely inflated sense of yourself based on your income and you are being very irresponsible by spending money you don't have based on your fiancé's future earnings. You also are going to have a rude awakening when you realize how much it can cost to live comfortably when one or both spouses have demanding jobs.

I make roughly $350K per year, which increases every year by about 10-15% and my husband, an attorney, makes $150K (with the opportunity to increase 10-fold with partnership). We also have income from 3 investment properties we own together. We do NOT have disposable income - and don't kid yourself, neither do you. We make budgets and adhere to them. I do not buy the shoes and clothes and handbags I can afford in order to save for our future and our retirement. We do not own a car (we do live in a city). We do not consider ourselves in a certain "class", whatever that means. We take public transportation whenever feasible. We cook at home despite the temptation to go out or order in when we are tired. And so on. Fiscal responsibility doesn't disappear with a higher than average income.

From this one example, you seem to have funny ideas about money and a false sense of security based on your decent salary and fi's future earnings. You'd do well to pick up a copy of "The Millionaire Next Door" and read it. Your comments show you have no concept of how expensive life can be and how to manage your money and live responsibly. That's a bad way to start a marriage. Good luck.

Maybe it's time to revisit the plan?

Looking at a plan on paper and living it are two different things. Maybe she talked herself out of her values.

Try to find a descriptive blog post on the book Your Money or Your Life. It really focuses on your values as opposed to what mathematically grows the most money. You cannot take it all with you when you die

Are you guys trying for early retirement? Are there tangible goals to this investing?

$3,000 isn't much security when you have a baby. What if both of his legs got broke in a car accident?

You should visit your local library and rent the books:

• The Money Book for the Young, Fabulous & Broke by Suze Orman

• Your Money or Your Life by Vicki Robin and Joe Dominguez

and possibly

• The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey

Not that I think you need a mountain of info. Diversity of views helps a lot.

Read Stephen King's On Writing. He used to collect his rejection letters on a spike in his room. For such a famous, brilliant writer he sure had a lot of rejection letters. If you're a writer you should definitely read his book. Amazing.

I'd offer them a copy of Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover.

I don't agree with everything he says, but he is right when he mentions that when YOU have amounted debt, YOU have to work hard to get out of it.

Whatever the b-i-l's situation, he needs to get 3 jobs, eat ramen and pb/j sammiches, and bust his ass for this $75k. He doesn't deserve the handout. He can earn it. It will probably take years, but if he wants it, there's a solution to the problem. It won't be fun or easy, however.

I might get yelled at for this but losing weight isn't that hard. Not eating what you want all the time might be hard, not eating in response to emotions might be hard...but losing the actual weight isn't. Not in the beginning anyway.

Myfitnesspal

Basically, put in your current height and weight (be accurate), age and activity level (to be safe, put sedentary). Set how much weight you want to lose (0.5 pounds, 1 pound, 2 pounds a week. I'd start off at 1 pound. See how many calories you need to eat to lose weight. Eat whatever you want but make sure it falls in those calories.

As you track more and more, you'll notice the weight doesn't come off as easy and you'll find that nutritious foods have less calories and keep you feeling fuller for longer.

The first week you may lose a few pounds due to water weight. It will even out after that. Try it, it's honestly not that hard. It requires planning and tracking and being honest.

Sounds like its a culimination of boredom impacting self-worth.

Why not show her a free online course on https://www.coursera.org/ that matches one of her interests? I'm enrolled in a couple and its really nice to have that sort of extra information to keep me busy during slow times.

If a part time job isn't in the cards due to the time schedule, why not look into volunteering opportunities. Surely there's a library, sports league or church nearby that she's expressed interest in before.

Also, there's meetup.com, which is pretty good for expanding social circles.

Don't forget about date nights. You don't have to spend a ton of money going out. How did you guys date when in college? I bet you didn't spend alot. Or stay at home and have friends over for game night with some cards, board games, some wine and good music.

Have you tried Duolingo?

They have English for Polish speakers in beta testing, but it is pretty mature and stable by the looks of things. You can do a couple of sessions a day for fifteen minutes or so. There are apps for Android and iOS, as well as the web app. Plus, you could pick a new language from the English Speakers courses (French, Italian, etc.) and learn something new alongside her.

Have you asked your wife to find work? That might help you feel less like you're carrying the burden alone.

I totally get where you're coming from. In my case, it was the dawning realisation that buying new things might make me happy for a short period, but the feeling fades. Like a hamster on a wheel of materialism. Getting out of debt has been far better for my mental wellbeing that any number of new gadgets or outfits.

You and your wife are developing different values around money. I'm sure you've heard that money fights are the number one cause of divorce, so you both need to get on the same page. One thing I did to work on my husband was get the audiobook for 'The Total Money Makeover' by Dave Ramsey and listen to it while I was doing housework. After that I started playing the podcast of his radio show. My husband was never really big on material possessions though, so this might not work for you.

Marital counselling could also be a good idea if you can afford it.

Do you and your wife have a budget? If you both actually see your financial situation in black and white, it might be the sobering kick in pants needed.

Another approach could be to take the purchases you make on your credit card and work out how much you actually pay for things when you put them on credit. For me, when I worked out the difference in total cost, it became a no brainer.

Also, try not to compare yourself too much with you brother. That's just another 'keeping up with the Joneses' scenario.

Good luck!

Ironically, according to The Millionaire Next Door wealthy parents are generally more likely to support grown daughters than sons (due to the sexist assumption that the daughters can't take care of themselves).

Your family is nuts and you owe it to yourself to find a good therapist you click with, when you can, to sort this out and help you navigate this.

Boundary setting skills will be useful while you find a professional who can help, would be a very good thing. Major boundaries need to be set, for sure, probably focused on your dad. The setting and maintaining boundaries might have some basics that could help as a stopgate until you get a trained person involved.

You should probably check out /r/polyamory; I've noticed /r/relationships tends to trend somewhat more traditional when it comes to these situations. Also, read The Ethical Slut, it's a great overview of how to communication in a poly relationship and handle jealousy, etc.

It's not just about sex. All traumas work this way. When something really scary or terrible happens to you, part of you can become fixated on it -- you can both be repelled from it and drawn to act it out compulsively. Some people go one way, some people go the other, some people do both at the same time. And you don't really have a choice in how it affects you; it becomes hard-wired into your brain (specifically your Amygdala).

So it can both trigger you and get you upset, and it can prompt you to repeat things like it over and over to try to "master" it.

People who are beaten as kids are more likely to beat up other people -- and it's not that they were taught beating was good; presumably nothing is a better education in how beating is bad than being beaten is. It's that you try to repeat the super-bad things that happen to you as an attempt to understand and process them.

G'day ! Fellow aussie here. Hang on a sec, just putting my Librarian's hat on...

Google "Elizabeth Gilbert Job Career Hobby Vocation" for the single best explanation of the relationship between them I have ever come across :) Then read her 'Big Magic' while you're there.

Then read everything by Stephen Pressfield, especially "The War of Art" and "Turning Pro" and finally, read "You Are A Writer" by Jeff Goins.

:)

You CAN make money by writing - the people to ask are the people actually doing it. I have a GF who makes decent money writing Regency Romances - her first five were self-publishd on Amazon, and then she was offered a contract.... Take advice from people actually doing it !!

As for your husband - tell him you'll get a teaching degree when he gets a full-time job :) Although I can highly recommend being a Library Technician - its a Diploma and its good work, and a fair bit out there as well....

The book The Millionaire Next Door deals with this subject! They call it 'economic outpatient care', it's where the good sibling gets no help because they "don't need it" or they'll otherwise sort themselves out (so they become more able to care for themselves), while the fuckup sibling keeps getting help (which impedes their growth as an adult in future).

You aren't loaning her the money, you are giving it to her. The first immediate step is to stop giving her more. You aren't ruining her life by doing that. You're doing the opposite of ruining her life.

If she really wants to finish school, she'll find a way to do it. That might mean postponing it and working another job until she can save for it. It might mean taking out loans - but her odds of sticking with school til she finishes and sticking the job afterwards increase if she is responsible for those loans.

Down the road if you decide to make it permanent with her, you still have the option of paying off those loans for her. But you won't feel like a such a sucker if she gets 90% through and quits that school too, or ditches you for another guy, or if you find out not only did you waste years of your life staying with her because of the loan situation, but also that she's stayed with you primarily because she needed your wallet.

You've hit on something important in your post, that the money has changed the dynamics of the relationship - which is part of why this setup is so unhealthy. But the other half is that you are enabling her to never learn to budget or be responsible for her own financial security. Please please please find some time to read or listen to The Millionaire Next Door with special attention to the chapter "Economic Outpatient Care." It talks about how the kind of parenting you are doing for her leads to a lifetime pattern of expecting others to bail us out, instead of teaching us the skills and responsibilities we need to manage our own finances.

I really recommend an app called "7 weeks". Or a similiar one called "Rewire". There's a ton of apps like these but the gist of it is this:

It takes about 60 days to build a new habit. These apps basically allow you to set a goal that you want to work toward every day - and then every day that you managed to do that task, you check that day off in the app. If you miss a day, the counter resets and you start over.

Very soon, you'll have a streak going with rows and rows of Xs and, I know this sounds kind of silly, but it really keeps you on track. You don't want to break the streak! You've worked so hard for it! And before you know it, whatever habit you were trying to ingrain in yourself has become second nature.

I used it to lose weight (Daily goal <1500 calories) and you can definitely use something similiar to wean yourself off alcohol (Daily goal < [number of shots])

Every day where you haven't had more to drink than the day before is a success. You can do this!

Also, I really recommend the book "The Power of Habit" which talks about how habits form - and how to break them. And what is your alcoholism if not a hardcore habit?

>By conviction he will always be a rapist so why complicate your life?

That's how I see it, too. Even if he's somehow turned into a good guy who doesn't rape people anymore, this will color the rest of both of their lives if she marries him.

OP,

1. You two won't be allowed to live near a school. In most every state, sex offenders are not simply allowed to live near schools..

2. You will be the only parent who can pick up your kids, go to parent teacher conferences, your kids' plays and award ceremonies, and graduation, depending on your state. In many, sex offenders are not allowed to come onto school grounds at all.

3. Parents of your future kids' friends will likely find out about your husband's past. Sex offender registries are online and easily accessible to the curious parent, and believe me, parents <em>will</em> check out who their childs' friends' parents are.

4. You will be forever stuck where you live now since in the last post, you mentioned that your boyfriend wouldn't have a job if it weren't for his father's business. He could always become a stay-at-home dad in the future, but you'll still have to deal with all of the above-mentioned school functions while being the sole breadwinner.

5. There is a very real chance of relapse. OP has already seen the stories about the "reformed" murdered turned rapist/murder.

6. If/when your family finds out, you will both likely be harshly judged. As unfair as it be, people are generally not thrilled to find out that their family member has married a criminal, let alone a rapist.

If you think you can live with all of these possible burdens with no resentment or regret, then more power to you. I personally could not.

Those Aren’t Fighting Words, Dear + pass

TL;DR:

– I don’t love you anymore. I’m not sure I ever did.

– I don’t buy it.

Just to shut him up get a vpn like Private Internet Access. He could get in legal trouble for your pirating, and you should take precautions regardless of who's name is on it. Also, I would check and see if he's throttling your wifi for your laptop, because your Internet troubles sound suspicious.

" You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better."

~ Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

It doesn't even have to be an old banger.

If you buy a new Mercedes or Audi or BMW every couple years, people think you have money to spend. If you buy a new Toyota or Ford every 8 years, they assume you're pretty middle class. All those vehicles get you from point A to point B. But none of them tell you how much money the driver has put away in savings and investments for the future.

The book The Millionaire Next Door came out of a study done to discover the qualities of the "average" millionaire. It turns out most millionaires are folks with $1-2 M put away from hard work, quiet living, and spending less than they make.

You go buying expensive cars, houses, and bottle service and others want a piece of you. You salt away money in your 401k and no one even knows you have the money, so they don't have expectations you'll share it.

> "boyfriend, clean up your dirty dishes, I can't believe I have to tell you this again," go for "oh my god, your old dishes are moldy, have they been there all week, what is wrong with you" and maybe shame will motivate him where your comfort apparently doesn't?

Back when I was disgusting about the same issue, shaming me made me just feel like I had to hide the dishes and wash/put them away in secret.

The thing that got me turned around was to always leave the room with at least 1 dish, or a stack if both hands were free, and I was sent back if I didn't have at least that. So I had to climb the stairs, grab something and go back down, it made it more work to just grab some anyway, and over time I didn't even have to think about it. The dishes never had the time to mold after it became habit, because I would usually bring them all(instead of just some) the next time I went downstairs, since there would only be 1-3 things.

Help make constructive habits rather than berate him.

Edit: While I haven't read it yet(I have heard a bunch of the bits that are talked about though), the book "The Power of Habit" can help the boyfriend create more positive habits that will improve his and your life.

Hey then I suggest some books on meditation or mindfullness. It's really helped with my anxiety. A great place to start is with Thich Nhat Hahn, he's got several books that would be useful for you. "The Miracle of Mindfulness" is a good one. There are also lots of other authors or even youtube videos.

Seriously, even going to see a therapist is self-help. It all comes from within. Try a book and teach your mind to be calmer. Good luck dude

Edit: I see your other replies and it sounds like a good plan to apologize and try to explain it's for anxiety. If he still doesn't want to see it, please try to figure out other ways to help yourself. Parents are just people too and don't always make the right choices. One thing I learned in life is you have to do what is right for you. Nobody else will do it for you, or if they do, it's only because it was also right for them.

Right now, you know you want help. The person you first ask, your dad, says no. But he doesn't really know what's in your head, right? He's another person. You still have to think "well in this case he's wrong, I know what I need" and figure out another way to get it. People will always prevent you from getting what you want or need if you let them. Not even on purpose, just through the course of their day.

So in this case, your primary support person is letting you down. That sucks. But you've got this. You can still do it. You WILL succeed. (This is what you're telling yourself, right buddy? It's not just me here.) It's an obstacle, but you can get past it. Borrow books, watch youtube videos. No library? Read online mindfulness meditation stuff. It's basically what you're doing with the vape already, just without a vape. The only insurmountable obstacle is death. Until then it is your purpose to try. That's all. Just try. Reading a book sounds easy compared to some stuff you may have to do in life. Again, good luck

I don't know if she's open to changing, but if she is, there's a great book called Your Money or Your Life.

It's not really about money itself - there's not much in the way of stock tips or investment strategies. Rather, it's about reevaluating your relationship with money, reframing your purchases in terms of how hard you had to work to buy that shiny doo-dad that ended up in the junk drawer a week later.

It's an older book, from the 80s, I think. You won't be missing much if you check out an older edition from the library.

That plus Elizabeth Warren's All Your Worth (a more practical guide for day-to-day money management) is part of the "starter kit" I give to anyone who asks me for financial advice, because they're both really simple, plain, and incredibly practical.

When in doubt, consult the great minds of the past:

Professor Biz Markie says that you should never believe a girl who says he's just a friend.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/wm-A10302B0000914266K/biz_markie_just_a_friend_official_music_video/

OP, as I've mentioned a couple of times already, you are probably seeing a very small piece of the larger puzzle. If my 60-year-old child was living in a camper due to poor financial decisions on their part over the years ... no. I probably wouldn't help them. It's like giving a drunk a drink ... financially helping people who don't know how to handle money is just not a good idea.

Again, I would highly recommend you listen to Dave Ramsey, or at least read his book "The Total Money Makeover."

Do you think that all blind people and all disabled people are unhappy?

Please google Jon Kabat-Zinn and his book "Full Catastrophe Living." He is all about how to be happy. Mindfulness. You can learn to be fully present and even happy in the maelstrom of your life, including during your suffering and the uncertainty of your disease. You can become more fully alive and more fully human by living in the moment and embracing mindfulness. Now is the time.

I have read through your other comments and have a few thoughts.

Elsewhere in this post you say that you have no interest in getting to know her better. This is exactly the wrong position to take. In "The Art of War", Sun Tzu advises that we should keep our friends close and our enemies closer.

If your bf does end up living with this girl, you should make yourself a known presence in his life and their place. You should get to know her and be as kind as possible. She has already crossed a boundary once, and if you step away from this situation, she will do it again, and again. Assuming your bf doesn't fall for her advances (and I believe you when you say that you trust him), this will end with him having to get out of the living situation. He also will be tempted not to tell you about these things so as not to worry you, which will create more friction and stress in your relationship.

If you are present in the house and a "friend" to her, she will be less likely to cross boundaries.

Totally not related to your relationship, but you should never have the same password on all your accounts - especially with so many big companies' firewalls tumbling down. LastPass is a highly recommended site to create strong passwords for each site you use... that LastPass keeps track of for you, so you only have to remember the password to LastPass.

Totally about your relationship - I understand fearing the "shame" of a "failed marriage" (I'm divorced) but don't live a facade of a life because you don't want people thinking badly of you. Much better to have a happy life with others frowning than others smiling while you are dying.

But really, change to using a secure password system.

Don't pin your hopes on changing him or getting back the person you initially fell for. Leaving an abusive relationship isn't easy (here's something I wrote on the topic) but the first step is recognising that it's abusive.

You don't need a break, you need to start preparing yourself for the process of leaving him completely. You have no idea how his abusive behaviour may escalate, you don't deserve to feel manipulated or unsafe.

Good luck.

EDIT: didn't include the link for that article https://medium.com/p/9d4ccf3166b5

I am a writer with an oversensitive ex and family. I'm actually a pretty nice guy- etc. I found that writing MY truths offended others, and they wanted me to "Take that out" or "Please don't say that" and even went as far as to state "I'll never talk to you again if you write that."

@Embarassedauthor, here is the reality. YOUR story is your story. YOU are allowed to say whatever you want. You are allowed to WRITE whatever you want.

If Inga Musico had worried about what people said about here, we wouldn't have that amazing book "CUNT". If Kate Chopin had cared, we wouldn't have The Awakening. If Maya Angelou or William Goulding had worried about what others thought- we wouldn't have "I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings", or "Lord of the Flies". But in case you don't recognize those phenomenal classics. We also wouldn't have "Lord Of The Rings" by J.R.R. Tolkien.

When I write, I win awards. So if I may pass a piece of my own advice (Yes I took my own advice) on to you... Write YOUR story. If he doesn't understand that you are the person he loves NOW because of those experiences THEN - If he leaves, he isn't the match for you. Personal truths are flaccid and dormant, or a raging hard-on waiting to explode- but you cannot have both at the same time. Write your words. Be you and your life will be a better, more satisfying experience, for you.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Look up the mutual funds in that account on morningstar, and visit the "expenses" or "fees" tab. If the annual expense ratio is closer to 1.00%, your wife is facing high expense ratios. Her "adviser" is a salesman. You could both read a classic investment book like "A Random Walk Down Wall Street" and be more conversant with investing than her dad.

He won't like this, but it could shift the balance of power regarding finances. In general accounts held for ~20 years because someone likes their adviser means they have a people pleaser - a salesman - not great investments.

>The problem is more that, and this is a thing that I absolutely hate about myself, I can't keep a secret to save my life.

Bullshit. You say this like it's a fact, and can't be changed. But you can and must learn to keep secrets. If you don't, people you love and care about won't trust you. They will not trust you in their homes for fear of what you might find if you snoop, they won't trust you with their innermost fears or thoughts. If you are a person who can't be trusted they will keep you at a distance. You will be lonely either because you have no-one close to you, or because all your loved ones maintain a superficial relationship with you, with no emotional depth.

So learn to keep your mouth shut and be a trustworthy person. Take some time for self-reflection and think about why you feel such a need to gossip (because sharing secrets is gossiping). Do you like the attention? Do you have a problem with fixating on things? Does it give you a feeling of intimacy that you lack in your life? etc etc

Why do you feel the need to gossip, even though you know it will hurt others and you don't want to do that? Once you've figured out the why, figure out how you are going to fix it. 'The Power of Habit' by Charles Duhig might be useful, but I'm sure you can find other stuff to help via google.

I'm not trying to be mean when I say this. You have a problem that hurts others, (in this case your Mom) and will hurt you. You MUST fix it, for your own good. Good luck.

Therapy. I'm not being flippant or dismissive. I mean this sincerely: therapy.

Consider starting a journal to talk or write yourself out of your negative feedback loop.

Read: The Feeling Good Handbook, I think it has a "guide" of some sort to the kind of journaling I'm talking about.

Journaling and self-improvement books are a useful tool that will have maximum positive effect with a professional therapist. Don't go it alone.

There's lots of good books to get you started. Check out the classic How To Win Friends and Influence People

On top of that, there's another good one called How To Talk To Anyone

Also check out The Charisma Myth

Every new person you meet you give the benefit of the doubt.

You have to judge your new girl by how she treats you. As long as you are happy with that, your good.

Past experiences are just that, the past. Their value is that you have a referential database to judge ongoing events as they occur, not as they MIGHT be.

My motto in life is: Live life so that at the end, you can say you have no regrets.

A good read is,

Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert M. Pirsig

You might find this an insightful read:

https://medium.com/matter/youre-16-youre-a-pedophile-you-dont-want-to-hurt-anyone-what-do-you-do-now-e11ce4b88bdb

Bottom line - it's not your fault, you don't need to feel ashamed, and it is definitely something you can overcome. Most people with weird fantasies/fetishes never act on it because they understand it's just that - a FANTASY. The fact that you're self-aware means you've already got a huge one-up.

OP, think of yourself as lawyers representing opposing clients. For all I know, maybe you are lawyers. You do your best to represent your clients, but at the end of the day, you're just doing a job for some money.

Besides, in Adam Smith's 1776 book The Wealth of Nations, there is a popularly cited quote:

> People of the same trade seldom meet together, even for merriment and diversion, but the conversation ends in a conspiracy against the public, or in some contrivance to raise prices.

OP, in short, relative to you, this is all a game, and you should treat it as such.

A guy told me that having a larger guy choking you is scary, the 1st hundred times it happens. After that, things 'slow-down'. You get used to it. and learn counters... even how not to get in that situation to begin with

That's a long-winded way of saying get into a dojo. I'd suggest wing-chun or judo. After a few months/years, you will develop humility.

For confidence, i'd go with a women's self-defense course. Make sure you get training with a guy in a suit. You need practice in where to attack the eyes and testicles. It's all about repetition and muscle memory.

Oh,noticed you're 19, read ' Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance' Not running from the dog was the right thing to do.

Money and money fights are the #1 cause for divorce in the US. I personally believe that when people get married, they've decided that they are a team and everything should be combined. Keeping finances separated (to me; my opinion) when married shows a willingness to commit to being legal roommates who really like each other a lot. I'm not saying that the agreement you and your husband have is right or wrong, but it does cause fights with many couples.

If you're a reader, I suggest picking up the book The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. If you're a Christian, then you'll identify with a lot in the book. If you're not, then take it as practical advice for handling money in a smart way. If $220 a month makes or breaks you, then you've got other problems than deciding on which apartment to lease. The book can show you some good paths for handling money, and might be able to help you figure out what to do on your own.

I suggest the book The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. That book provides practical ways to handle money for whatever stage of life you're in, and it can help you (I think) in this situation. Being on the same page with money is a big deal, and it sounds like you two are working two separate plans.

I'm in the same boat as you guys here. Honestly I think if she dumps him and he finds himself truly alone, he will begin to realize that ~being himself~ like that is doing him no favors and if that's who he really is, then he's an ugly person. Like I think this guy's behavior probably won't change until it causes him some serious pain in his life, moreso than it already has, and he grows the fuck up a bit. Kind of like how addicts gotta hit rock bottom before they find the motivation to change and get sober. He's being a shitty early 20-something. I was a shithead at 21, I still turned out ok.

Alternately, maybe it'll take someone he looks up to and respects tearing him an asshole for being an insufferable douche. Or someone in general he cares about who can articulate themselves well and has a solid A+ 10/10 mean streak calling him out on his shit that in a way that cuts him real, real deep, in a way that he might get defensive about up front but'll have him laying in bed that night unable to sleep and doing some serious self-evaluation. Idk I'm a firm believer that on rare occasions, being a mean-ass motherfucker to someone and tearing their self-esteem to shreds by throwing their own bullshit back in their face and forcing them to see themselves as everybody else does is the most effective way to address bad behavior, as unfortunate as that is. Like some razor sharp, brutal tough love. Then there'll be an introspective recovery period. Then they'll come back a beautiful butterfly who actually doesn't suck to be around. Kiss and make up and move on with your lives. If someone's like a certifiable narcissist, though, you're probably out of luck. In that case just set that bridge on fire and let the smoke cleanse you and your life of their bullshit.

I'd be like "go throw a copy of How To Win Friends and Influence People at him to speed up the process" but that book's probably too mainstream so nvm.

It's worth considering the idea that maybe you're too nice because you're afraid of open conflict. Unfortunately you can't do this without hurting her feelings and reminding her that she is much smaller than she imagined and has been usurped by a young adult, which means she may in-fact be nasty back.

If I were you I'd look into books like The Art of War and the 48 Laws of Power by Sun Tzu and Robert Greene, respectively. I'm not suggesting you start acting ruthless, but it's worth studying these basic principles of, well, warfare for lack of a better word because if you aren't utilizing these principles then someone else with an axe to grind will.

I hate feeling like a burden, too. But if you don't say anything, you will end up causing him more stress. He will feel like something is wrong, and when you don't tell him it will just end up causing a lot of frustration. I know it's hard, but it's better to be up front about your needs than to prolong the pain for both of you.

Check out this website. I do assertion training for a living now, and I think it might help you. I promise you won't seem selfish, and it has helped me relieve my anxiety a lot! http://hubpages.com/hub/Effective-Communication-Strategy-Communicate-Assertively-With-I-Statements

/u/SuspiciousNet be sure to make sure your wifi is locked down. He may know the password.

You may also even consider using a VPN. I use the popular Private Internet Access. It costs money, but if don't pay and you get a free VPN instead, they're generally crappy and/or going to sell off your information.

So honestly I'm sure you're a very nice person- but this post comes across in the same way I'm sure you can come across in person. It's basically one huge #humblebrag. I'm guessing that's the issue. I know you mentioned you're not a "braggart" but my assumption is that you actually are and you don't realize it.

It's great that you have a successful happy life, have a very high IQ, you are cute and have tons of friends. The way you say that sounds... we it sounds obnoxious. So that's an example of something you're saying (that may very well be completely true) coming off in a pompous way.

Actions speak louder than words. Showing someone something about you without bragging about facts is a much more effective way to come off as down to earth, interesting and friendly. So instead of saying "I'm so happy with where I am in my life right now." You could simply be happy, share some of your positivity with your peers by asking them about themselves, giving a compliment or giving advice that doesn't revolve around how great things are for you.

It's kind of hard to put into words what I am trying to explain. It's social cues I think you're not picking up on. Of course everyone does little things in interactions that can irritate someone but if you do it enough it can definitely make some one explode on you.

I believe there are a lot of books on this exact issue. How To Win Friends and Influence People might be worth a read.

I absolutely believe that you can get around this little social issue. Just work on yourself.

Hey, I get it -- there's a twinge of satisfaction seeing someone like that fall, but I know he's your brother and you're not hoping any serious terrors his way. And the mindset of "he earns so much that he'll probably always be fine" is exactly why so many pro athletes go broke.

I'm going to recommend you read "The Millionaire Next Door" by Thomas J. Stanley if you're interested in the topic at all. With the things you've mentioned, it is highly likely that you'll enjoy more prosperity than your brother.

You might be what women call a "nice guy". On paper you check all the boxes, so to speak, but you're someone women see as a friend and not a lover.

There's a great book on how to approach women by being authentic, confident, and not-needy (that's the "nice guy" part) - it's called Models by Mark Manson.

Also I haven't read it but there's another acclaimed book in this genre called "No more Mr. Nice Guy".

You'll find most books in the "game" (hunting women) category fairly immature, so I wanted to recommend two that could be useful.

There's a book called How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. It is part of practically every "how to improve your social skills" list everywhere for very good reason. It teaches you how to be genuinely interested in other people (which is the primary way to make friends) and the other life skills needed to successful socially. You can amazon it or find a copy at your local bookstore. (Which is a great reason to get out of the house)

Hmm. Mortgage is a bit high for the income, imho. Hopefully the MIL will be contributing to household expenses and that will help your savings plan. The car is a done deal now, so I'd say, let it be your wife's little red wagon to take care of and be totally responsible for. But you and she need to get more "together" on financial planning and goal setting. The wife was errant in buying the car but it sorta seems that she really wanted a nice car of her own choosing, not another car that you shopped for and selected. I guess my advice would be to try to move the financial partnership toward more openness and equality in decision making. I prefer the no debt lifestyle. Maybe she would enjoy reading Your Money or Your Life. It changed my mindset about debt.

bullshit. Age has a ton to do with it. Sorry, i'm glad you're an outlier, but facts is facts.

Your 21 year old self might be the most mature, calm and selfless mom on earth. However, the stats say most likely you aint.

The stats also say you're fuckin broke. young people are far more likely to be poor and far less stable financially than older folks. Takes money to raise a kid.

So given what little we know about the 4 parties involved. I'm going to make an educated guess and go with "Mom would make the better parent"

I believe it's called terroristic threatening, but I'd have to look it up. One moment.

Edit: checked it out, and while it's an arrest able offense, it's a gray area and very hard to prove. This says that it is when coupled with the threat of violence, which means that almost punching the dad afterward would make this death threat dangerous. This one also says that it's unlawful to threaten to harm someone's person.

I imagine it'll be hard to make a case, but what the dad did was illegal because he threatened bodily harm and then nearly assaulted someone.

From your description, it sounds like he might have been on omegle, which lets you chat with strangers much like chatroulette. It has a video feature too, but your description sounds like he was using the text-only feature. Maybe he was flirting with strangers online?

First of all, you’ve made a great first step by recognizing these are obsessive, irrational thoughts that serve no purpose.

The next step is eradicating them from your mind. I would echo the other people in this thread and recommend therapy, particularly cognitive behavioral therapy. I’d also recommend meditation. The books “Mindfulness in Plain English” and “Turning Your Mind Into an Ally” helped get me started when I was going through a similar experience. Good luck! You can do it.

Don't be mad at yourself!

Cleaning and organizing is a skill, we aren't innately born with it. I was a mess, too, and I needed to LEARN the skills and get the tools.

I got a book caled "Organizing from the Inside Out" by Julie Morganstern and it was a life-changer.

The reason you have so much mess is NOT that you're a bad person, but because your stuff has nowhere to go. And that can be fixed!

The piles of papers all over your desk and dining room table? Just means that you don't have a filing cabinet to keep them in. So...you get a filing cabinet, and some file folders (I use the system for filing I learned in David Allen's book "Getting Things Done",) and the clutter will disappear, because now there is a PLACE for the paper to go. All of the clothes all over your bedroom? You need more hangers for your closet, or maybe a second dresser. Now, yes, you do have to fold and hang clothes and that is a massive pain, I hate it. But if you don't have a place to put that stuff to begin with, it's going to end up all over your floor!

I HIGHLY recommend these books.

• "Organizing from the Inside Out" by Julie Morganstern
• "Getting Things Done" by David Allen
• "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo

Because right now, you are blaming YOURSELF, when really, you just need SKILLS and TOOLS. You can learn the skills, and get the tools.

I used to be a disaster - we are talking the kind of person who needed to shovel a path to get from my bedroom door to my bed. In college, one of my friends came to my apartment and did my dishes because not only were dirty dishes all over my counter - they were stacked IN MY OVEN because I was out of counter space.

Now I keep a neat and tidy home because I learned the skills and got the tools. You can too, I promise! YOU ARE NOT A BAD PERSON.

Hey!

First of all, it's great that you at least acknowledge all of these issues even if they're affecting you fairly regularly. And by the way, they're definitely not uncommon problems, even for people quite a bit older than you, so you're not alone.

What you're doing currently is a good start. A few bits of advice:

• Dealing with rejection is hard for most at any age. Remember that you can only control yourself, not what others think of you. Do you like everyone you meet? Unlikely. Does everyone that you meet like you? Equally as unlikely. Focus on what you can control: yourself.

• Why are you lazy? Think about the root of the problem. The next time you encounter an issue, force yourself to deal with it immediately or do something you wouldn't typically do in order to resolve the issue. Don't put it off! Start small if you must, but start thinking about changing your approach to problem-solving.

• Why do you avoid problems? Are they too overwhelming? Luckily immersing yourself in gaming/movies isn't as bad as it could be, you could be using/entertaining much more destructive behaviour. That said, it could escalate, so it's best to deal with it sooner rather than later. You'll really have to be introspective and dig into the possible reasoning behind your actions. Introspective thought is beneficial! Take time out of your day to ask yourself WHY you do the things that you do.

• We all compare ourselves to others; it's normal. If it upsets you, think about what might be able to do to make yourself feel better. Why is it upsetting you? What would need to change about yourself to feel better? Focus on yourself.

Putting a lot of pressure on yourself to find a suitable mate is toxic. Focus on becoming a better version of yourself first. Suitable partners will come!

Lastly, I have a reading recommendation for you. Try reading Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. It's stoic philosophy, and you might find it beneficial!

My guess is that you assume you are better than everyone else. You go into a workplace assuming that your coworkers are going to be horrible. It is a self-fulfilling prophesy.

Do you give the new people you meet a fair chance? Do you take interest in their interests? Ask them about their lives? Don't look for things you have in common. Just look to get to know them. People will never be out to get someone who is interested in them and cares about them. And you may think you hide it well, but you have a wall. You are a snob to accuse coworkers you haven't actually hung out with of going out and getting hickys and getting drunk as if that is a hobby that is BELOW you. I'm sorry; you really might be an asshole. You sound like a boring-ass Mary Sue, but everyone knows that Mary Sue is actually a sanctimonious bitch who doesn't give a fuck about anyone but herself.

My advice: read How to Win Friends and Influence People. Take the advice in that book to heart. If you still fail after following that book's advice, then you probibly just smell and need to use more deodorant. Also consider reading The Art of War for women. It touches on how women in the workplace act like crabs in a boiling pot, pulling each other down, but they don't resent when a man is a manager.

Three months in, I would suggest starting conversations in the philosophical abstract. You do want to start getting a feeling for his thoughts on money, without inquiring about the specifics.

Start a conversation with something like: "So I just finished reading The Millionaire Next Door. Really interesting read to find out about how millionaires scrimp and save and only buy used cars. What do you think about all of that?"

Or alternately, "I read an article yesterday that said that most millennials have less than $1k in savings! I mean it's understandable because of people's student loan debts, but have these people ever heard of an emergency fund?"

Get the conversation about general personal finance topics rolling and see what comes of it.

I also highly recommend John Gottman.

I'd also like to add Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover. My husband and I are atheists, but Dave's plan was the best thing we ever did to learn how to not only manage our money, but to communicate about it with each other. If you can get around the bit of Christianity in his book and just focus on the practical application it is amazing.

There's a great book on this called "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" by Marie Kondo. As a former slob I HIGHLY recommend it, and it's something you can work on alongside any other personal healing or cultivation you might want to pursue.

OP, I recommend that you read Viktor Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning. Frankl was a holocaust survivor and commented on suffering: "Those who have a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'." Your girlfriend might find a lot of meaning in taking care of you, no matter how horrible it would be. Let her choose.

1. Start with therapy. This is a serious comment. You don't need to be in therapy for ten years or something crazy, but even six months might help you. Look for therapists who do cognitive behavioral therapy (CBE in the biz) in particular.

2. Realize that connecting to people opens you up to both positive things (love, dependence, etc.) and negative things (these are probably obvious). If you fear the negative, you won't get the positive, and the positive is better.

3. Read Man's Search for Meaning.

4. Realize that you're going through a process; you're not going to improve overnight.

Curfew? Bloody Christ I thought you americans defeated the 3rd Reich :/ I'm not sure how the college works in USA, but if she started at 15 years old, shouldnt she graduate soon?

I know it must be a bitch, but shouldn't be too long now until you no longer have to sneak around because of her parents.

Imo you both should read Sun Tzu "The Art of War".

It's kind of like the bible, but more useful.