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First of all, I just want to say that you are a great dad for thinking of this ahead of time. It really shows that you care about your girls and their well-being through what can be a very tough time.
As far as advice goes, I know 9 seems young, but you may want to talk with her sometime soon about what to expect. Sometimes girls can get their periods early, even as young as 9 or 10, and it is better that she is aware of the possibility, rather than being frightened and uninformed if it happens before you get around to it.
Are your daughters close with your sister? They may feel more comfortable having a female to look up to and for guidance with these types of things. She can also be a good person for you to bounce questions of if as well.
There are also some awesome books out now about puberty, periods and everything else that goes along with it. I highly recommend “The Care and Keeping of you” it’s a series of 2 books, one for both younger and older girls.
Amazon Link Book 1: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609580834/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_KpSdEbE2VAFMC
Amazon Link Book 2:
The Care and Keeping of You 2: The Body Book for Older Girls https://www.amazon.com/dp/1609580427/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_YsSdEbH5079KS
I bought one of those gigantic u-shaped pregnancy pillows that sounds pathetic but actually really helped. Like this one. That, and most of all was my dog cuddled up with me every night too.
Hang in there 💛 I’m so so sorry for your loss.
I am at 2.5 months since my wife of 15 years died at 39. She also was a healthy amazing mother and wife and overnight was overtaken by cancer. There is nothing to take away the pain but you find some ways to limit the suffering. I highly recommend reading, It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand https://www.amazon.com/dp/1622039076/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_9NXPHE84M9M590RZEVC4
People are going to tell you to look at the good and what he would have wanted but they are just trying to make themselves not feel the pain you can’t avoid.
"One of the last conversations I had with my husband was him saying that he wanted me to meet someone and to be happy when he was gone. Today I was really thinking about that and I know he would not want me to be so miserable and lonely." My wife said the same thing...almost verbatim.
​
I'm only two months out though and in no condition to be 'looking'. Since me and my wife moved in with my in-laws (for her final stages of breast cancer), I don't know anyone here except for in-law family. I am looking to make friends though. I signed up for the local meetup.com. In the next few weeks, I'm going to be going on some group day hikes. I figure that when I am ready to date, it may be a good venue for finding a potential girlfriend with similar interests. I have no interest in ever getting married again. That was for Rebecca and Rebecca only.
I build miniature aviation models by Metal Earth.
If you decide to go this way, don’t buy the all in one modelers tool kit. But individual, high end jewelers flat nosed & tapered needlenose pliers.
Trust me. 👍😎
Fascinations Metal Earth P-40 Warhawk 3D Metal Model Kit https://www.amazon.com/dp/B085FZ6TQH/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_XN6J90XZTT1GW6NZNRM4
My beloved wife has been gone for a year after 50 years of marriage. I miss her and think about her many times a day. There are so many reminders. I go through a kaleidoscope of feelings. Sometimes sad about my loss; sometimes smiling about a wonderful life until she became so ill. I am dating on match.com and have not found anyone I can relate to in the same loving way. I keep trying and hope to find a partner to share the rest of my life.
Thanks for the suggestion.
I'm still reading through it myself, but I've been getting a lot out of "I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One"
One problem I run into is that I feel like a lot of the things I see are directed at people whose loved ones died of something like cancer, which as terrible as it is, makes me irrationally angry and jealous that they at least got to say goodbye and get their affairs in order, while my life went instantly from normal to shattered with a phone call in the middle of the night.
I'll just throw this out there in case anyone's interested, but I recently sort of re-discovered the world of miniatures. I used to have a dope-ass dollhouse that I progressively furnished myself for years and years only to have my dad show off and give it away to the daughter of one of his newly met "girlfriends" to score points while I was at college. I don't think he ever understood that I didn't "play" with it, to me it was this beautiful miniature place that let me dream and gave me an outlet in small housing space for a hobby.
Anyway, technology has caught up and now you can buy kits with pre-laser-cut pieces. You pop them out and sand & glue them through assembly. This dollhouse furniture kit was barely $15.
Just the exercise of laying out all the pieces and carefully slowly putting them back together (with trash TV on in the background) in the "right order" gave me such calm, I can't tell you.
I cannot wait to sand, paint and uphholster these pieces, I felt so gratified for myself that I got them all together and it made my mind go in new directions at a time when I so need that. New and different, but not scary directions.
I know it's clearly an "I can control my environment" thing, but hell, I need that.
I read When Breath Becomes Air last year. It's an incredible book, but I'm not sure I could read it today (my wife died suddenly, so I didn't know when I read the book that I would be widowed in the same year).
I like the distinction of living without her vs. living with her. I can manage the daily chores of life just fine, but I'm not sure how to carry our life together, and how to keep the good memories alive in my head.
I felt I was handling the loss really well in my first few months, but I'm handling it less well as time goes on. The trials of being a single parent and the difficulty of charting a new course can be overwhelming.
Anyway, don't mean to ramble in your rambling post. :) It sounds like you are in a good place. Best of luck on your journey.
Watch the first season of After Life with Ricky Gervais, it actually made me smile and laugh at my own anger seeing his character so bitter and angry at the world and everyone in it. That was me my first year.
How to deal with it is complex and personal, so you may need to try anything and everything until you find something that helps. I tried the guided meditation app 'Headspace' during the first year for my grief, anger, sadness, regrets, and loneliness, and it helped me keep my sanity.
Here is a sample: https://www.headspace.com/meditation/anger
I'm sorry that you had a bad experience with paid online dating. I met my wife on match.com back in early 2016, and we got married in March of 2018. She was diagnosed with triple negative breast cancer four months after we got married and passed away on July 14th. I am dreading going back into the dating pool, but my wife and I had many conversations about this before she passed.
All that being said...yes you encounter shitty people even on paid websites. There are a slew of guys that will just send out bulk messages hoping for a response. As a woman you are going to have to filter through that junk. I remember it being like a second job typing out unique messages to people you were interested in. I went out on dates with 5-6 different women who were very nice but we didn't click before finally meeting my late-wife. Keep at it and best of luck. Shameless plug that my wife and I met on match.com after both having awful experiences on eharmony.
Even those of us not of FaceBook get unpleasant surprises after being widowed. Less than two weeks after my spouse died, match.com ads started showing up in my email. There was no obituary, no announcement of his death to the public...which means the funeral home or the County official who issued the death certificate sold my info. I was crushed.
Almost 56 here. I just ventured into the match.com scene. It's an eye opener. I specifically am looking for widowers the same age as I, with similar backgrounds. I must say I have partially connected with one in a months time. We might actually take the plunge and go to dinner after Summer. Both of us are busy traveling and processing. It's nice to get a kind email in the inbox checking on you. Raleigh NC is full of single men and women, I'm appalled at some of the summaries and how many folks are divorced. Sadly in my case, a lot men my age want to date the 35-50 year old women, perfect BMI etc and you should see their pics!
I know I am capable of loving again and Im so happy to read you are with someone special. The men I work with (late 30's professional), keep telling me "Lovey, you're smart, witty and resilient, someone is going to sweep in and be a lucky man, you're a complete package." These guys are the best!
I ordered this book for my Husbands Memorial. I like the idea of having fond memories of those he has touched.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1935414291/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
As others have said, let your Aunt talk about him and take her lead as to how to handle special dates. Your love for your Uncle shines brightly my friend! And that is the best way to celebrate him.
I highly recommend this book The Next Place (Amazon). It was really a solid way to give myself a alternative. It took me several years to be able to get through it without sobbing (reading aloud to our kids) but I read it a lot.
The Next Place https://www.amazon.com/dp/0931674328/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_D07P3Y7HPFCWTTMW6NXP
I don't see anything pathetic there at all.
I bought this book on signs, and used its technique of asking for a specific, arbitrary sign. Nothing happened.
When I can't eat, I fast. Although this week I think regular exercise and diet is probably best for me, fasting has deep historical links to grieving around the world and at the very least, it's an effective distraction from the constant memories.
It's certainly OK to not be OK - there's even a book about that It's OK That You're Not OK about grieving.
People say dumb crap all the time, it's best to just ignore it. There's no rules, and no one who hasn't been through it really knows what they're talking about. It's the difference between reading about being in shark-infested waters off the coast of Australia, and actually being there. I'm two years out and I don't see any joy ahead. Just go at your own pace.
My counselor recommended Man's Search for Meaning. I've read Part One. I don't know if it's helped, but I guess it has. This man lost way more than I did and suffered terribly on his own. He found purpose in life somehow.
"it did not really matter what we expected from life, but rather what life expected from us . We needed to stop asking about the meaning of life, and instead to think of ourselves as those who were being questioned by life— daily and hourly. Our answer must consist, not in talk and meditation, but in right action and in right conduct. Life ultimately means taking the responsibility to find the right answer to its problems and to fulfill the tasks which it constantly sets for each individual."
"there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer. Only very few realized that."
Viktor E Frankl. Man's Search for Meaning.
I think you need to do what you need to do. I would trust your instincts that tell you getting into a relationship isn't a good idea. Things will pass and get easier. Don't drink whiskey. Try mindfulness meditation instead. Go and get some counselling. It helps tremendously. I also joined a young bereaver's support group. It helps to know you're not alone in going through the pain.
It doesn't sound dumb, and it brought a smile to my face, which is a nice thing.
(The link below is only for sharing the picture and I am not promoting the product of benefitting from it if anyone was to buy it. Sad that I feel I have to state that so that this isn't reported) Pillow picture
I'm not going to lie, this sucks. I believe people like you, who experience a sudden spouse death, have it so much worse than myself through a long term medical death. And, I have children at home that I have to care for, so I have something pushing me out of bed. I have found time for myself, and found a local widowers group that I went to about a month ago, so though I am horrible, I'm fine, and I'm fine until I'm not.
Sending so many hugs. Mine was bedbound and 6'3'. There was only me, I didn't have a lift, I was so thin I was basically a twig with a head on it and I did it. I don't really know how, but you will too. One thing I did have was a body-sling, like this: get one if you haven't, super helpful. And come back here when you need us: this sub was a life-saver for me. <3
I found the only self help that made any sense to me was 'It's ok that you're not ok' https://www.amazon.ca/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076 I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through OP, it sounds like a horrific ordeal.
I started going out on group walks or hikes. I was able to find them (locally) through meetup.com. I've made some new friends through doing this and potential dates, but I don't feel like dating yet (I'm only 6 months out and 52 yo.). It was a good way for me to re-socialize myself after spending 3 months in bed.
I'm not currently looking to date (as of the day before yesterday, I'm 4 months out), but I have been doing group activities (hiking, meditation), through meetup.com. I have met some really fantastic potential dates (if my heart were into it), who's interests align with mine. Alas though, I have been clear that I'm pretty much at the bottom of the well of grief, and it will be some time before I'm ready to date again. I'm 52.
Hi. So sorry you're here and this horrible thing has happened to you. I and lots of other people here found this book useful: the author is a grief counselor who lost her husband abruptly at an early age, so she's one of us and it's worth taking a look at.
The best advice I got in the first few weeks: try not to think about the future, but on getting through the next hour in the best way you can. I found I couldn't focus on anything much and that mindless little phone-games, apps and youtube (comfort yoga videos became a thing) were calming. You may have a lot of Death Chores - closing accounts, etc - to deal with, and you may find it hard to remember things. Deal with them via email if you can, then you have a written electronic record of what's been said. Get a diary, write to-do lists (right down to 'have shower' if necessary), try to tick off at least one thing a day, count it as a win and don't beat yourself up if you can't do more. Be kind to yourself. Take help if it's offered and you want it: if you don't, you have every right to decline. And ask about absolutely anything you want here, because someone will have been through it and will help. <3
I've been using this sleep mask. It's not 100% but it helps quite a lot, and there's no worry about feeling druggy the next morning.
I ordered the cards on line ..link here.
Haven't read it yet, but this was just recommended to me. And it looks worth checking out.
When Your Soulmate Dies: A Guide to Healing Through Heroic Mourning
Thank you for the Plan A recommendation, I have a niece who is now the most important person in the world to me who is in a similar situation to your daughter. I'm going to check that out for her.
As far as self help books I have seeen a lot of people refer to this book…..I personally have not read it , but many find it helpful
Because your in the wrong group. Everyone grieves differently. Some quicker then others in the sense that you cannot control grief or speed it up anymore then you can love because grief is love. There are no right or wrong feelings.
And the wording "you will find someone to love you" is so wrong. Its called nature taking its course and it will happen naturally when it does.
There’s actually a book! It goes through all of the ways you can convert your grief to mourning. I also took Maria’s grief class, she is wonderful.
https://www.amazon.ca/Healthy-Mourning-Happy-Loving-Convert/dp/1999243900
thank you. i'm sorry for your loss as well. it's still fresh for both of us 💔 and no problem! i read reviews on several of these types of books, and these two haven't disappointed me at all thus far—i'm several chapters into both.
Love Never Dies: How to Reconnect and Make Peace with the Deceased https://smile.amazon.com/dp/140194535X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apan_i_N5Y9E8B24HJG9813CXXQ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1 this one is written by a famous relationship therapist whose husband passed away tragically and began immediately communicating with her. there are SOME religious elements, because the husband was a man of the cloth at one point, but she doesn't focus on that, and i am really enjoying it regardless.
Hello...Anyone Home?: A Guide on... https://www.amazon.com/dp/0982571607?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share i just started this one, and while i've noticed a few minor grammatical errors, it is certainly worth the read. it's more general than the previous, but again, i find them both to be very engaging. i truly hope this helps you!
Fuck being OK. Nothing is OK.
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand https://smile.amazon.com/dp/1622039076/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_V8K499P3G22GSX86T5VM?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
I’ve posted here before that I think the best discussion on risks/benefits of dating for widowers is in this book:
https://www.amazon.com/Widower-Surviving-Your-Important-Relationship/dp/1732115915
Outside of that analysis you’re the only one who will know when it’s the right time. Your desire for intimate physical touch is very common among us widowers. The question for all of us is will the touch of another woman satisfy the longing for the touch of our lost love. Trying to replace that, comparison, these are all dead ends.
That doesn’t mean we can’t love and be loved. In fact we may be better able to open up to true love than one who hasn’t lived through the kind of loss we have.
In dating you risk being hurt or hurting someone you do not intend to. All things to consider.
I think you have two different trains of thought going on at the same time here and both are perfectly understandable for a man in your situation.
The first is your dilemma involving your relationships with your late wife’s family. From my chair it sounds as if continuing to keep your door open to them and occasionally reaching out while allowing them time and space to process their grief in their own way may be your most reasonable course of action.
As for the second dilemma - is it too soon to date? - you’ve sort of asked the question after the horse is out of the barn, to borrow a figure of speech. But the best advice I’ve found for men on the risks and possible benefits of this decision is in a book by Fred Colby:
https://www.amazon.com/Widower-Surviving-Your-Important-Relationship/dp/1732115915
Try biographies or short stories. My first year I was unable to focus on books with too many characters or an epic storyline but simpler stories worked for me. Also David Sedaris' books were also easy to read and somewhat amusing. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000SEJHRA
Truer words were never spoken. I worry about forgetting too. I have his voice on our answering machine, but I wonder what's going to happen when it breaks or I have to get rid of it. I miss the way my husband looked at me. He thought I was the most beautiful woman in the world and I could tell that he thought that every time he looked at me.
When he died he took half of my heart with him. I bought a charm necklace on Etsy that includes a charm that says Half my Heart is in Heaven. https://tinyurl.com/y4scrlrz
I have a journal and my plan was to recount our entire relationship, but now 14 months have passed and I haven't been able to write in it yet. I am afraid that I have already forgotten some important stuff. Stupid widow brain.
Thinking of you.
I agree with fssshwife about Megan's book.
For your broken mind, I suggest guided meditation, specifically the grief sessions on the Headspace app. 15 minutes a day for 30 days. Afterwards you might want to continue with the Loneliness and Sadness sessions.
Here is a sample of the first session (mid page): https://www.headspace.com/meditation/grief
Same here, this is on the nose. u/damageddude posted this podcast the other day - it's an interview with David Kessler. I listened to it this morning and just felt validated. Thank you both for sharing.
There is a great book that was recommended to me and I keep sharing it with everyone I know: A Beginner's Guide to the End: Practical Advice for Living Life and Facing Death.
It's like Dr. Spock but for the other phase of life. And its such a great resource and easy to thumb through. Thinking of you.
Well said - however if you're interested look at this book from Jurgen Ziewe
Vistas of Infinity - How to Enjoy... https://www.amazon.com/dp/1326353381?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
While it may not be a guide, the way he writes about his journeys through out of body experiences helped me form some of my own. And it worked. The people you call out to, and I means the ones truly in your heart will always be around. And it will be like nothing ever happened when you meet them permanently or temporarily on their plane.
Guided meditation helped me but it took a very long time to restore my shitty sleep. Headspace has packs of meditation training for sleep, not the kind to help you relax just before sleep but rather the kind of mediation exercises and training to help you heal your mind and as a result will help you rest better. And the more you practice these steps, just 15-30 minutes a day, the better you might get at doing them if you wake up in the middle of the night and want to relax your mind. If you decide to try Headspace, do the Grief sessions and Sleep sessions each day for 30 days.
Here is a sample of the first grief session:
Headspace helped me survive my hell. I love Andy's voice, very comforting. But they have more than mediation training, they also provide therapy on topics like grief, regret, loneliness, all of which I struggle with.
a suggestion, i am 7 months out, try match.com, it seems to be one of the best sites. it is a little expensive, but worth it. their are a lot of other widows on there who will understand what you went thru also.
This isn't strictly related to grief or partner loss, but if no one has suggested this book to you it sounds like you might get a lot out of it: https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703
I have definitely struggled with feeling expected to handle everyone else's feelings before my own and it is absolutely exhausting, even more so when the repression means people start remarking on how well you're doing.
You are an amazingly strong woman. What you have been facing is beyond even our understanding. Dealing with the loss of a loved-one is one extreme level of pain and suffering, but then to have to fight against cancer all by yourself, which takes everything you have and requires a strong support system just to survive it, is a superhuman feat.
I have witnessed my spouse's battle with cancer for 14 years, the multiple surgeries, multiple chemos, and multiple radiation treatments and I still don't know how she fought so hard for so long. But your current life is not even allowing you to mourn and repair from the loss as your cancer fight is demanding everything from you.
In addition to your visits to your psychologist, try reading Megan Devine's book, she understands our pain and suffering since she lost her husband in an accident. And she offers credible suggestions to help you navigate through the grief and try to reduce the pain. Another thing that might also help is meditation. The act of meditating even for just 10-15 minutes a day could give your mind short breaks from all the stress and frustrations that you are facing. It can also help you to learn how to ignore your negative thoughts. I used guided meditation with the Headspace app every day and listened to the grief, sadness, and loneliness sessions that deal specifically with those topics while also teaching me about basic meditation. If you feel comfortable enough listening to an english narrator, I strongly suggest trying the grief pack for one month (once a day for 30 sessions). You can test the app for free before buying.
It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076
> How do we get better from this?!
Very slowly and painfully. And it will take everything you have at a time when you have so little to give.
There are things that you can do to make this a little easier, medications like antidepressants as "Intcleastw0od" suggested, can numb the pain but it might just delay what you need to go through so it was not my choice, plus they all have annoying side effects and can be difficult to stop.
Therapy can give you someone 'in-person' to talk with and will hopefully acknowledge what you are feeling and give you some tools to reduce the suffering. I found it too exhausting to talk with someone the first few months for I would always end up crying, so I choose to not do therapy. And if you are like most of us, and have limited coverage or money for therapy, you can try reading Megan Devine's book. She is a therapist that understands our pain and suffering, she lost her husband, so her words and suggestions are very credible and comforting.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1622039076/ref=dbs_a_def_rwt_bibl_vppi_i0
To deal with the constant negative thoughts; the fears, the regrets, those horrible voices in our head, meditation might be helpful. I started using the guided meditation app called Headspace as suggested by someone else here. At first I thought it was just about learning how to meditate, which I knew is supposed to be helpful dealing with negative thoughts, but I quickly realized they offer training sessions that focus on specific topics like grief, sadness, loneliness, and regret. I have been doing them all, one by one, usually just 15 minutes a day. The grief sessions are 30 in total and worth the $13 for the month period. I hope it can help you.
Dating apps, for me they are all crap.
I am on Hinge, Tinder, Coffee Meets Bagel, OK Cupid and Bumble. I had my daughter take my photos and my co-worker who is our editor write my bio.
In three months I have been attempted cat-fished four times. Every attractive woman I see will not write back. I only get matched with women I am not attracted to. And I am not that picky, I am not looking for a victoria's secret model.
I broke down and joined match.com. Paid $88 for three months. They send you stats on your activity. I have sent out 400 messages and got four replys all saying no thank you.
I think I am cursed. I sit at home thinking that I am never going to meet another woman ever.
I wish I had someone to use a condom on, or hell just go to dinner with once!
Sorry for the rant! Women think that Widower means I have some rare disease.
Good for you. My wife died 2 years ago. I started seeing an old lady friend 4 months after wife died. It only lasted 6 months but was good for both of us. Then I went on match.com and met someone new. It didn't last but again it was good for both of us. Then I went back on match.com and met someone new, and I think this one will last, and it is wonderful.
Falling in love is wonderful, at any age, in any circumstances.
I don't like the words "date" and "dating". My wife died two years ago. I am now seeing a wonderful woman. We met on match.com. We first met in person in a park and went for a walk. Then she came to my house for dinner. Next I went to her house for dinner. We never went to a restaurant or movie or any sort of going out on a date thing. We just hung out together. In the beginning mostly we talked a lot. We were both widows and had a lot to talk about. We were open and honest. I was very nervous at first. Now it is very good.
Oh god, I'm outright surrounded by them. There's this site called dakboard that you can link up to a variety of services. Including online photo galleries. Then it can just cycle through them. I converted any given old tablet/pi/odroid/etc I had into overpowered picture frames that load it up on boot.
The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce, and Other Losses including Health, Career, and Faith https://www.amazon.com/dp/0061686077/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_AHTXF6Z4P3E42D9QSS81
I’m a technophile but in non-fiction I like to annotate so I got the paperback
Getting through each day is an accomplishment, even if it feels like it isn't. It was hard for me to switch from looking after my husband to looking after myself. Be kind to yourself.
This book really helped me and I highly recommend everyone get a copy.
Unfortunately, so many have been in your shoes, that a helping tool has been invented:
Dress Zipper Helper Zipper Puller Zipping Up Down Dress Yourself Zip Aid Tool Zipper Pull Assistant (Black) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07WHPZHZ9/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_WPFEDGCRMJ8GBX07CM69
So sorry you lost him. And so sorry you're getting that 'oh you're young, you'll move on' crap, it's so disrespectful to you and your partner and your loss. Sadly most people who haven't been through this are terrible at dealing with the bereaved, and that makes things even harder when you've just lost them and your whole life is smashed to pieces. There's a book a lot of us here have found helpful in the early stages which you might want to check out.
Something someone here told me in my first few weeks which helped: try not to think about the future right now, there'll be time for that when you feel a little better - whenever that is,-grief takes a long time to become manageable for a lot of us, and that's normal and okay. Just concentrate on getting through the next hour. I found it really difficult to focus on anything but there were a few things that were better distractions than others: hang on to those, they'll help. And keep drinking water, the crying is really dehydrating. Sending love.
Lost, empty, and hurt might be your feelings for some time now. The harsh truth is that you will survive all this and might continue to feel miserable for awhile. Don't bother searching for answers as to when they will stop or go away, focus on becoming okay that you are not okay. Get Megan Devine's book, it might give you some answers from someone that really understands your pain (her husband died). Do everything and anything you can to survive your new life. Consider grief therapy, meditation, walks in nature, exercise, gaming, lots of TV, use your family and friends, your dog if you have one, and most importantly your love for wife and her daughter to survive this shit. Hopefully you won't use booze or drugs to escape the pain but if you do we understand.
My spouse fought her breast cancer for 14 years, we never had children because they told her in the beginning not to get pregnant for it would increase the risk of the cancer returning, even though it did return and continue to spread. If you need someone to talk with, don't hesitate to contact me.
Maybe your Anniversary date would be emotionally damaging to you? You might want to choose a different date just because the anniversary is a tough one all on its own. Just a thought for you to consider. I will see if this link works for you for the memorial book:
You're absolutely normal. Your therapist sucks - for this, anyway. Grief, especially spousal grief, and extra especially with a very close couple, has no timeline. My other half was my best friend for most of my adult life and I don't miss him any less than I did when he died almost two years ago. I don't really have anyone who 'gets it' either: not sure anyone can who hasn't been here. This group has been a lifesaver. There's also this book which was helpful for most of us here: definitely worth a look.
If your wife attended a hospital or hospice, they might have a grief counseling service, or know where you might be able to find one. I would drop this therapist asap, it's clearly not helpful for you. So sorry. Sending love.
If you haven't read this book, you might appreciate it: most of us here who have read it did. I'm almost two years out and I still feel exactly the same; he's still dead, my life still sucks giant donkey's balls, and no, my bEauTiful mEMoriees do not make me feel better, any more than someone dying of thirst in the desert feels better because they had water once. Distraction is what makes me feel better; it's the only thing, really. Sending love and solidarity.
Many of us here liked Megan Devine's It's OK that You're Not OK: https://www.amazon.com/Its-That-Youre-Not-Understand/dp/1622039076
I am sorry for your loss brother. I was the same as you for about two weeks. But then I gradually started being more engaged because the kids demand it. I’d also like to recommend that you buy this book and read it: A Parent's Guide to Raising Grieving Children: Rebuilding Your Family after the Death of a Loved One https://www.amazon.com/dp/0195328841/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_N1ftFbSSD4FZF
There is a lot of good guidance in it. It is not a happy book, but it will give you some things to focus on and answer some questions you no doubt have as the parent of grieving children.
Same boat.
I wasn't there for the 1st year but this is what helped me to help from year 2 on.
Be there. Don't be afraid to talk about her husband. You'll make mistakes, put your foot in your mouth. Just listen.
Read. This forum. Grief books. Just to try and get a perspective. There is no way to know what she's feeling but reading gives you some understanding. A glimpse perhaps.
This is a pretty good guide book I think. Her (Nora) other books also helped.
https://www.amazon.com/Hot-Young-Widows-Club-Survival/dp/198210998X#customerReviews
From the discussions we've had about that first year, Maybe helping with the paperwork? Help keep her bills paid, auto, utilities etc... Research what to do with bank accounts/ retirement accounts.
So sorry you're hurting.
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You are not going to forget him!
It is healthy to 'stay busy' but fck that smiling and faking it for anyone.
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I lost my husband of 38 years less than 2 years ago and I still can't sleep on his side of the bed...like if I give him room, it is more like he is still here.
Someone posted about a book the other day on here...I looked it up on amazon and so many said it was the only book concerning grief that anyone needs. (just ordered it last night) It is called It's OK That You're Not OK: Meeting Grief and Loss in a Culture That Doesn't Understand
I am widower who has found someone special. After our third or fourth date I gave her this book: Dating a Widower: Starting a Relationship with a Man Who's Starting Over
It's geared toward dating a widower but the advise applies to widows as well. I read it first, of course, and much of it rings true. My girlfriend has said it was helpful and we're still together after 2.5 months, FWIW.
I've found this book to be very helpful for me, as a younger widower (25): https://smile.amazon.com/Im-Grieving-Fast-Can-Widowers/dp/0882820958/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487126030&sr=8-1&keywords=im+grieving+as+fast+as+i+can
First of all, this book has been my crutch.
I read from it when I'm stuck.
What it says about holidays:
>Sundays are the worst.
>No doubt about it.
>Holidays are the second-worst.
>Saturday nights aren't much fun either.
>The feelings of separation may feel greater three days, three weeks, 6 months and a year after the loss.
>Schedule particularly comforting activities into these periods of time.
Something else you may find useful from this book that I found useful:
> Be with the pain.
>If you're hurting, admit it.
>To feel pain after loss is:
normal
natural
proof that you are alive
a sign that you are able to respond to life's experiences
> Although you may be frightened by it, be with your pain. Feel it. Lean into it. You will not find it bottomless.
>It is an important part of the healing process that you be with the pain, experience the desolation, feel the hurt.
>Don't deny it or cover it or run away from it. Be with it. Hurt for a while.
>See the pain as not hurting, but as healing.
❤❤❤
I hadn't heard of this book before. Ordering it now. Thanks for suggesting.
Edit: Under suggested I found these two books I'll be picking up too:
I strongly recommend Grieving: A Beginner's Guide https://www.amazon.com/Grieving-Beginners-Jerusha-Hull-McCormack/dp/1557254931
It has helped more than anything else. Full disclosure: the author is a friend, but I hadn't read the book until my partner (and also her friend) died.
Thanks for the recommendation and the other ones in this thread. Will be looking into these.
The only book I've read thus far, which has helped me a lot, is "On Grief and Grieving".
Amazon link: On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief Through the Five Stages of Loss https://www.amazon.com/dp/1476775559/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_UOe.xbXFRZFPB
It didn't tell me what to do. Didn't tell me how to feel. But it helped me to understand my feelings and to embrace those feelings, even the painful ones.
Lots of good reading. I highly recommend as well.
Peace be with you, friend.
My first wife and I never officially married even though we were together for 9 years. She passed away suddenly and unexpectedly when she was 30 and I was 34... this was about 5 years ago. Like you and your husband, we were also both from very dysfunctional families, and so I felt very alone after she had passed.
For the first few weeks I lived hour-by-hour... my main goal in any given hour was to continue being alive for the next hour, that's all I could think about. Eventually I started living day-to-day, and in a few months things returned to normalcy.
Right around the anniversary of her passing last year, I became very obsessed with death. Obsessed, depressed, terrified. Then I ran across this book:
I got that book and read it all in one sitting. I actually read it completely three times in a weekend. It gave me a lot of peace seeing the hard evidence in that book that there is indeed something beyond what we have here on Earth.
I wish you peace.
I am not a Buddhist, but I added Zen practice to my spiritual repertoire many years ago. [Edit: Both authors present their healing advice in a way that is compatible with almost any reader's strong religious beliefs.] Two books have been of great help to me in finding peace after the death of my wife...
Along with other titles, these books have helped me to replace my grief and anger with gratitude for the time we had and to see my that beloved wife, although she has died, has not be obliterated.
I hope everyone in need of this kind of healing can find it.