What are /r/Marriage's favorite Products & Services?

From 3.5 billion Reddit comments

Get a pair of hard soled house shoes to wear indoors only. This isn’t a hill I would personally choose to die on if it is skeeving her out that bad.

Edit to add: I think your dig at how often she cleans the floors was unnecessary & telling.

This is emotionally cheating. And he’s gaslighting you by downplaying and disregarding your observations and feelings. None of this is healthy.

There’s a couple of things that I would consider reading in order to gain some focus and clarity:

1) https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

2) The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert https://www.amazon.com/dp/0553447718/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_xh0-FbKBRP400

I would explain to your husband that after reflecting over time that you’ve come to be hurt and confused by his treatment of you vs. other women. I would point out the double standard and how it would make him feel in reverse and I would let him know that his behavior is breeding resentment.

He has a choice to change and he might do it, but it will probably take couples counseling. The only way for counseling to work is if both people are willing participants.

If he doesn’t change then at least you’ll be well read and understand exactly what’s going on and exactly where your boundaries are and that will make life easier for you going forward if your marriage ends.

You should also read come as you are

Your statements seem more shaming her for having responsive sexual arousal when in fact75% of women do. So it sounds like your shaming her by saying her natural type is wrong because it’s not like the mostly male spontaneous type.

I purchased this massage table for my wife for her birthday. It didn't cost much and we have used it at least 20 times in the last year.

When ever I feel like she had a hard day I will set it up, turn down the lights and have alexa play "spa music" (who knew there was such a thing) then call her into the bedroom for a massage. Best $82.00 I have spent, she really loves it.

> I treat and spoil my kids so much. I show them so much love, I do the same to my wife. But I feel totally ignored in terms of any of my own needs.

​

Let me translate this for you:

​

>I put everyones wants and needs above my own, teaching them that my wants and needs are less important then theirs

​

This is a dynamic you have actively built day after day and now you seemed surprised by it. You repeatedly CHOOSE to ignore your own wants and needs and then wonder why they aren't being met. Make different choices and things will look a lot different.

You can see/make friends, you can go do things you want to do, but you choose not to because you value your wife's happiness above your own. Not surprisingly her and the kids have adopted the same mindset, where their happiness carries more value then your own.

Pick up a hobby/interest and get out and do something a few hours each week.

Plan activities and invite the family, go even if they choose not to join.

There are a million ways you can start putting yourself first without being disrespectful. Will your wife like it all the time? No. But using that as your primary decision making factor has gotten you to where you are now.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

read that book as a start

Curious if this has effected your sex life yet? Do you have the frequency and quality of sex you would like?

I recommend a great place for you to start is read His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley and do the Emotional Needs questionnaire.

Grandpa here, and I've been down this path. Like the time I bought her that white sweater.... it got returned. I also think back to my dad telling me how individualized cars are, and how it was a big epiphany to him when he realized that it was important for mom to have the car she wanted and not so much what he thought she needed. He and I were both engineers so our brain always wants to go to "let me calculate the solution you need" and people don't work that way.

Let me try to pass along some older guy wisdom, so walk with me here:

Your 'best efforts' as you phrase it were to give her gifts that were what you wanted her to have; not so much what she wanted to have. As an artist, your creations are always about you and your concept of whatever it is. Even if it's meant for someone else, dragon colors and everything. It's still very much your expression. To you, this is a very meaningful thing from you and I think that you want them to be a surprise.

But human psychology doesn't work that way. We all have very individualized ways of how we want to feel loved. That's the main point from the very popular book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. An issue is that lots of people lavish onto their spouse the treatment that they want, not realizing that it's not at all what the spouse wants and their attempts to make them feel love don't work at all. Unfortunately, it's super common.

Now this is where it seems like takes some real jedi mind reading skills and it ain't always easy. You're trying to completely remove the thinking of what you want and slide into their mind and think of what they want. With practice you can get really good at it over a lifetime. To be honest, it's a lot better to forget with the surprises and flat out ask what they want, gather the details and literally write it down. No joke.

I see a lot of folks in this thread met on okcupid. It's a curious thing because I'm still single, and have had a consistently abysmal experience with the site the past couple of years. I know some people on a few dating subs say that okc has gone down quite a bit in quality and usability in recent years. (I've since focused more on match.com and bumble)

But based on your experience and others, I imagine okc must but have been much better previously. But happy for you nonetheless!

In my opinion, talking to family about a fight between spouses is very inappropriate. Having a mentor that is not invested in the relationship would be ideal if she absolutely has to talk to someone. Have you read the book Boundaries together?

It's here: https://www.amazon.ca/gp/product/B07F35CGB1/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o05_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1

I hope this doesn't break the rules! I have no affiliation with this product at all. Also this is Canadian amazon, hope it helps!

This book will be super helpful! You’re right that your husband is 100% the priority now. Everyone else comes after that, including parents.

Change your mind.

You speak about the love languages, but do you truly understand all that there is about them? The entire point is that it's not about you, it's about how your partner wants to feel. Seriously go buy the book and read it cover to cover.

The way you describe it is kind of like she hates drinking milk and loves iced tea. But you like milk a lot so you cram milk down her throat because that's all you want in life. And you're pissed off that she has the gall to want iced tea. In fact, iced tea doesn't even enter your mind and if it's brought up, it MAKES YOU MAD BECAUSE I GAVE YOU PLENTY OF MILK. You don't even buy into the concept of iced tea at all. You'd never serve a glass for the rest of your life because you don't value the stuff. You gave milk so why the hell do you keep bringing up that damned iced tea? Enough is enough of that stupid tea!

So let's reframe this. Do you value your wife? Yes or no. Do you value her opinion? Yes or no. Does she deserve to hear that she's wanted, that she's done something well, that you're proud of her and that you love her? Yes or no. This is the foundation that needs to be there.

If all of these are yes, then it's time to make them a priority. "I didn't think about it" or "it didn't occur to me" are cop-outs. Is her happiness and fulfillment a priority to me or not? My take is that doing these things should be fun and make you feel good. I want life to be fun so I bring it--even as I had to be taught long ago, same as you.

I saw an app yesterday that might help. It's iOS only right now, but they're making the Android version. It sends reminders to do and be nice to your partner. It's called emi daily relationship reminder.

Intelabe Bug Zapper, Mosquito Killer USB Rechargeable Electric Fly Swatter for Home, Outdoor, Powerful 4000V Grid, Detachable Flashlight, LED Light, Safe to Touch with 3-Layer Safety Mesh https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0854HLBRF/ref=cm_sw_r_sm_apa_glt_fabc_5ZPYWXT2M9BZ1JTQY8PW

Either this bidet attachment or this one can be installed and de-installed with no damage done to the plumbing at all. If he still refuses, a quick shower after he takes a poo should handle it. More fiber in his diet would help him to have more cohesive movements as well. Metamucil before each meal, perhaps.

So, you typed this question 6 days ago.

2 girls I can't decide who to go out with. I have a really good friend who I've known for a year. We've become really good friends, gotten to know each others and I really like them. I don't want to cheat them if I choose one girl and go out another girl.. Because its not right. But I really like this both alot and I know she likes me as we'll. and she knows I like her because we've even talked about it. But because I have a both of them, we haven't taken it any farther than that. This is a very big moral. I have tryied to decide between two people that I feel very strongly for. But still it's both.

What do I doooo?! Oh and I don't have much time bcuse my work holidays newly over.

You don't need to worry about cheating; she/they do.

Have him talk to his doctor about it as it could be sleep apnea. I'm awaiting results from a sleep study for my own issues (it's taken a long time to get it done), but because I have complained about my sinuses closing up at night, we got these: https://www.amazon.com/Anti-Snoring-Nose-Vents-Breathing/dp/B07D38TJ61/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&keywords=snore+stopper+nose+vents&qid=1627429004&sr=8-13

My husband says I haven't snored since we got them. They are fairly comfortable, once you get the right size. Maybe those would help in the mean time?

I would start with this book:

Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship https://www.amazon.com/dp/0452275350/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_5yrQBbDGX7TAG

Hmm. He should be taking your side/protecting you because you are his closest family, at a higher priority than them. At a minimum, I'd be limiting contact considerably.

And this needs to be taken seriously because bad inlaws can and have destroyed marriages.

Maybe check out this book: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

Your spouse should be on your side 100% because you are his/her family now, at a higher priority than his/her birth family (mom). If you're religious, it's written several times that the husband and wife leave their parents and cleave together. If you're not, clinical science also comes down strongly in favor of the same truths.

If the spouse fails to stand up, you're in for a lifetime of pain and heartache by a family that can destroy the marriage.

We know of one good book about this: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward.

👍🏼understand where you’re coming from. Marriage may be our greatest test. Regardless of this marriage, The Four Agreements, is a very helpful book to read about life. It’s advice has always stuck with me and helped quite a bit over the years. https://www.amazon.com/dp/1878424319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_32SQ6P04G0E47W7CHAAG?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

Welp, there's a reason /r/JUSTNOMIL is almost 6 times the size of this sub. I never understand why some moms become so fiercely fixated on keeping their little boys close instead of sending good men out into the world.

The good news is he appears to be taking your side, which is exactly what he should be doing. And it may proceed to low or even no-contact to compartmentalize her and her antics. Once married, you two are your #1 priority and your birth families fall to #2.

You can't fix her, but both of you might find this book useful: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

Wow. We're hard core antismokers and they wouldn't be allowed to even enter our home if they're going to smoke in it. And our kids wouldn't be around them either. Light up just one time in the car with my kids and you won't see them ever again.

The problem is, your wife should be taking your side on all of this but she's not. You're supposed to place your family at a higher priority over the birth family. I suppose you could try this book with your wife for her to understand that this is serious: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

Check out this book, especially the chapter about "pursue and withdraw."

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B005ERIS2G/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

​

Ask yourself (and her) what you can be working on and doing better. Work hard at it. And give her the space she needs. It's really, really hard to back off and let her sort things out, but it will help more than smothering/looking for reassurance. But it's hard - no lie.

By making it a point to actively love her and I never stopped wooing and courting her. Love is a million small choices everyday, most of them aren’t even conscious, but you can consciously decide to love and put your spouse first. If you are lucky she’ll do the same back. Also I really like Gottman’s Seven Principles:

https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

It’s exactly right - communicate, turn toward one another, always view charitably, give the benefit of the doubt. Admire her, NEVER EVER go nuclear or fight dirty. Be generous, she’s your team, you win and lose together, her losses are yours, your wind are hers.

I suppose it’s easy for me, I’m an hopeless romantic. I tease her that I’m the chick in this relationship. I flirt with babies. I like rom coms, not action movies, I love kissing, snuggling, holding hands or just being in the same room reading.

Check out the John Gottman institute. https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0609805797/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_fm-uFbMJTCF6R

He has been studying marriage for many years. All of his books are science-based. He runs a marriage institute in Seattle.

My husband and I have taken a few courses (just weekend seminars) and found them refreshing and helpful.

I will add, while his books don't reflect any religious content, he does recognize that for many couples, faith plays an important role in their marriage. Take that however you want.

Good luck!

Edit: I couldn't see everyone's posts when I posted. Clearly John Gottman is popular in marriage circles!

Check out the following books:

1. The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman
2. Communication in Marriage by Marcus Kusi
3. Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud
4. Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs
5. Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey.

These are just off the top of my head. I have read all of these books and highly recommend them. I am sure others will share some more.

I've heard of studies done that suggests that if husbands help more around the house, it relaxes the wife more to be more available for intimacy.

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/why-wives-who-do-all-the-housework-dont-want-sex_n_8395378

I'm not saying this is the reason in your situation, but it might be able to help.

> You’re sick for trying to make me feel guilty about his actions.

He's plenty guilty for his actions. You're plenty guilty for yours.

> I’m 5’3, 119 lbs and he’s 6’5, 245 lbs... how could I possibly hurt him?

By putting your fists to his face.

Domestic violence against men: Know the signs

> But I’m not an addict, manipulative, compulsive liar!

You just have unreasonable expectations, and both of you are horrible judges of what makes a suitable partner.

Which metals? Could he do a carbon fiber ring? Ceramic, wood, and silicone have all been mentioned. I’ve heard there are coatings that can be applied to rings, that may prevent an allergic reaction.

Since a nickel allergy seems likely: What about copper or stainless steel that doesn’t have nickel in it? Or sterling silver? https://www.webmd.com/allergies/nickel-jewelry-allergy

Y'all need a budget, now. You Need A Budget works well for many people. /r/personalfinance also helps many people get their arms around their financial struggles.

I'm a white American girl who married an Indian-American (born and raised here) guy.

His parents had him signed up on matrimony sites when we met (he had himself signed up on Match.com). There's too much to get into here, but I have a few bullet points for you.

My husband has spent his whole life pleasing his parents. He chose the career path they wanted, and he's miserable every single day. From the outside, I see that this seems to be the norm in the Indian culture: please your parents at any cost, whether you're miserable or not. American culture is the exact opposite, which makes it SO HARD for first generation people like yourself and my husband. My husband generally submits to his parents, but SOMEHOW was able to tell them he wanted to choose his own wife. His mother stopped talking to him for three months when he told her he was going to propose to me. The silent treatment tore him apart.

This is sort of tongue in cheek, but my advice to you is to bring a white girl home to meet the parents. After that shock, I'd guess they'd let you choose anyone you want, as long as she was Indian.

You should know that American girls are not going to tolerate being second place to your mother. You're an American, and here, the WIFE'S needs and feelings take precedence over your mother's. Husband and I have argued about this over and over and over. It will never change for us.

This is all I can think of right now...on the up side, our children are gorgeous.

Feel free to ask me anything!

(Just to get it out of the way, I cheated on husband, but not because he's Indian.)

Ps, you need the book "No more Mr Nice Guy" and perhaps also the book on Boundary by Henry Cloud. The last one may have some Christian undertones but can be read by non religious people too....

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310351804/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_2F5ZT2VCRW6KX9A64442

My partner started having sinus congestion issues several months ago that caused him to start snoring nightly (he started using Flonase, and that's helped immensely). I ended up getting a pack of these foam earplugs, and they're the most comfortable earplugs I've found in my many years of having to use earplugs for sleep. They've got the flared base, so no worries about them sliding too far into the ear canal. I've been able to reuse them for up to a month before I have to switch them out for a new pair (they seem to get less good at buffering sound and modeling to the ear after several weeks of use).

I've always been a light sleeper, and even the slightest variation in the rotation if a fan is enough to wake me up. I've been sleeping great since getting these earplugs. (Also, the link is for Amazon, but I've been able to find earplugs like this at places like Walmart and Target).

It sounds like he had a loving family but was he perhaps also lacking a positive male role model growing up? Seems like the classic man-child syndrome.

Assuming you both still love each other, I recommend getting to 50/50. While it’s written for working couples with kids the lessons are the same even if you’re at an earlier stage in life. This book helped me immensely to being a better husband, partner and father. Note that actually achieving 50/50 is impossible in any relationship, but the goal is just to work towards that.

https://www.amazon.com/Getting-50-Working-Couples-Sharing/dp/0553806556

If he flat out refuses to take an active role in trying to improve the relationship (not including playing video games) then you may want to cut your losses.

You were dating an 18-year-old and humans change a great deal between then and age 25 when the brain finally stops growing and maturing. Whatever she was 3 years ago is out the window.

But all is not lost. These are things we can and should talk about. I'm with CompletelyChaotic in that we all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. This works best when both understand their partner and choose to give the way their partner likes it.

I have no advice but I have been married for 21 years so I chuckled a bit at your description. I completely get it!! I think the role is reversed in my marriage, where I am the slob and he does most of the cleaning.

I read a great book years ago. Maybe you will like it too.

Good luck!

We all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman.

To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained. And both of you should know that this road goes both ways. It's equally important for him to understand what he can do to make you feel loved and supported.

I was in your shoes just a few weeks ago. I get what you mean my poor husband has not had sex since we had our child more then once twice a month. What helped us and me change this is by me telling my husband my fantasy. I have told him how to turn me on. In return that has turned me into a sex freak again. I cannot get enough of him. Maybe it is just time for a conversation of how can I get you into the mood. What is your sexual fantasy. Also best self cards have changed it as well. Intimacy Deck by BestSelf — 150 Engaging Conversation Starters for Couples to Strengthen Their Relationship, Romance, Trust, Openness and Vulnerability — Best Couple Card Game and Romantic Gift https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07W1PVNFC/ref=cm_sw_r_fm_apa_fabc_J1AWA47E2F5ADNR3GVTN?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1 these cards have changed my sex life. Also be patient with her. She is not happy with her lack of sexual drive for you. It is very emotional for her to not want you asuch as she once did. It is just as hard for her to not want you as it is for you. Please do yourself a favor buy the cards and try to get into what emotionally you can do to help her. Also another thing is the five love languages book https://www.amazon.com/dp/080241270X/ref=cm_sw_r_fm_apa_fabc_RYEK8AC13427MN978FT0 both of you read this and then talk about how you two can get closer. It is possible to come back from this as long as you start to talk now and wait for it to get worse.

This is my husband I think. He likes when I come home with a bottle of mountain dew and some sour gummy worms.

Last night, on Amazon, I bought him this. He's super into Destiny lately.

(I WISH I could give him paperclips in a sexy/naked outfit, that would be hell of a lot easier for me. In our family, I'm the nude-paperclip-appreciator. ;) )

Don't engage with them directly, and support your husband in the background. Not everyone has a good family, so it's good that he gets your family welcoming him.

Some families quite toxic and frankly, it's better to limit, or even sever relations with the really bad ones.

Maybe take a look at this book: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

I don't have your answer but I have two resources: Because this problem occurs so much, there's a sub to commiserate with others at /r/JUSTNOMIL and second, there's a good book you and your wife might look in to:

Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

I haven't found a good video for this topic. But we do know that bad and narcissistic in-laws can and do destroy marriages.

If he was serious about seeing you eye to eye and understanding, then I strongly suggest you guys read/listen to the Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey or at least stick to a tough budget with set envelopes.

My husband is the spender and I am the ultra saver.

When the restaurant budget has $7 left in it he knows not to go crazy and decide on a fancy dinner. He know to eat at home until it replenishes or if he wants it badly he can use his allowance money. (We both get a set amount of money each month)

We have an envelope for everything and every single cent is accounted for and placed in an envelope. (Car maintenance, house maintenance, emergency fund, health fund, etc)

Everything is accounted for. He felt constricted at first, but after your car dies and you don't have to freak out or worry over something as manageable as $400 because you had already set up the fund for it.

It is honestly the best thing we have ever done for our shared finances. Mint.com and goodbudget.com are also amazing resources at keeping track of everything! Good luck!

Dude, you gotta have friends. Your wife can't be your life, or you'll smother her. Clearly you have other interests (hence, going to concerts), what about others? Have you looked on meetup.com for other places to make friends?

There is a book called His Needs Her Needs on Amazon... Here is the Amazon link to it. http://a.co/gJgcfvg

Also, try https://www.youneedabudget.com/ its good software. When I made $100k a year, I spent $100k a year. When I made $175k a year, I spent $175k a year, you get the idea....... so a budget software is great for savings.

If she is hot and attractive sometimes you just need to chill out and enjoy each other. I get it, I love to save, I worry about retirement, but my wife is younger and hotter and lives day to day. We combine our money and so I hide that money into retirement accounts, somehow about $40k each year since I pay all the bills.

Write up a budget together. When you can find the money for her to go to school, she may do so. Most of us have had to work and put money by to pursue further education later in life. She could also look for grants and scholarships. Just make it clear that the money for school has to come after money spent for basic cost of living.

edit as I got banned for linking from another website [1] without writing my own views.

IMO there is no clear cut winner in love vs arranged marriage. There are too many variables involved and plenty of successful and unsuccessful examples of each kind. If you want a more academic answer, look at divorce rates which I read are higher in love marriages than in arranged marriages.

[1] https://www.quora.com/Arranged-Marriages/Do-arranged-marriages-in-India-really-work

Great idea!.

The library is the perfect place for a frugal way to read new books. My wife would also recommend LibraryThing for a nice frugal place to get and donate great books.

It's hot in TX so this summer we have been drinking lots and lots of prosecco...gets the lips moving. You could start with a book like Vox and a couple bottles of prosecco. Combine sexytimes and reading and drinking.

Sitting him down was a very good thing to do, so don't fret over that. You did exactly the right thing.

So he has a dysfunctional relationship with his mom. He grew up with it so it feels "normal" to him while the rest of us see more red flags than a parade in China.

He made a big mistake telling her what you've said because for a dysfunctional person like her, she'll take it as a point of contention--which is exactly what she's done. She's now made you an enemy.

To be honest, he needs to have a second conversation with her that's very firm and strong, telling her to that she's continuing to be rude and disrespectful, proving it by attacking his wife. He probably won't or can't do that. But he needs to tell her to cut it out immediately and assuming she doesn't, move to low to no contact with her. Because here's the deal: his #1 family now is you, with the birth family falling to second place. Moms like this can't seem to accept that they are no longer the main priority to their children, replaced by a wife.

He needs to understand that overbearing in-laws like this can and have destroyed many marriages. Both of you might read this book: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward.

"Okay? Now, about this new listing..." stop engaging with him. Be a grey rock. Also, I suggest your husband read this. Therapy may also help your partner to deal with this abuse. Honestly, though, is the business worth all of this heartache? Wouldn't cutting this toxic man out of your life yield more profit?

Your wife grew up with this insanity so she feels it's a norm. I'm with you on going no-contact.

Maybe ask your wife to read this book: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward (that's a US Amazon link so you may need to find it in your country).

Neither one of them understands that at this point, you are at a higher priority than she when it comes to family.

Why he threw you under the bus is because he's weak and doesn't understand that, yes, mom is dead wrong and difficult. He's possibly afraid to tell her. He also doesn't realize that vindictive inlaws like this can destroy a marriage.

I don't know if it will help, but the two of you might benefit from reading this book: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

But he has GOT to start defending you and being on your side with his mom.

Please check out this book by Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That?

It will tell you everything you need to know about why he acts this way and what you can do. Please be safe. You are beautiful, important and worthy! 🥰

If she likes knitting you could get her a beautiful set of knitting needles, a gift card for her favorite yard shop, and a knitting basket like this one https://www.amazon.com/Ravel-Crochet-Knitting-Rosewood-Handcrafted/dp/B078R99WW2/ref=mp_s_a_1_14?dchild=1&keywords=Yarn+Basket&qid=1622051293&sr=8-14

He's doing the right thing by taking your side over mom. Your family should be at a higher priority over his and your birth families.

Difficult inlaws can torpedo a couple so don't let her get to you and if it helps, limit or even stop contact. Maybe consider picking up this book, too: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward

We can sometimes recreate in our marriages the same toxic attributes we grew up with. Please, look at this and consider your marriage. If you determine that it's otherwise healthy then tell your wife that you understand her resentment toward your parents and that you are working to transition to a healthier dynamic with them (this book may help you with that) and that you'd appreciate her support by treating you with respect during the process. Her immature and hurtful response is a legitimate thing to be upset about.

On top of the needing counseling, he needs to look into porn addiction. There is more than enough data out there that proves that porn addiction causes so many problems.

Here are a couple of books to look into: https://www.amazon.com/dp/1540900827/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_fabc_CDWPP9MVFA4P1GE13H6C

https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310334098/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glc_fabc_A9GYBBBZP20PKZVFF3BT

Congratulations!

Amazon sells a great little baby journal. It really comes in handy when you're busy. Trying to remember all that stuff when you're exhausted, is a pain in the rear.

https://www.amazon.com/Baby-Tracker-Newborns-Round-Clock/dp/9729375011

My suggestion for an accompanying name for a boy would be Victor or Vincent.

Good Luck!

This is the second similar appeal I’ve seen in two days. Here’s the recommendation I gave earlier: read this book, and encourage him to. https://www.amazon.com/You-Just-Dont-Understand-Conversation/dp/0060959622/ref=nodl_#

I was thinking about this yesterday and I think I've worn socks maybe 3 or 4 times since last March. I wear either flip flops or boat shoes with no socks and haven't been in the office, so no need for nicer shoes & socks. I'm barefoot at all times in the house.

Meanwhile, 2 or 3 years ago I gave her a 6-pack of these thick socks that have a rubber tread on them and she wears them all the time. They're warm to her and not what I'd call sexy. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Thank you! It's a bottle brush and stand that I found on Amazon. Here's the link! https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0771FFWQ2/ref=twister_B07RWNKYNY?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

I was like him when we started out, but I decided to change myself. I grew up in a good and supportive family, but we didn't hug or say I love you. Meanwhile over in her family, everyone's going to hug you and everyone says they love you daily at a minimum. My wife taught me to be a hugger and to express love and I made the change--and my life is so much richer. It was good for our kids too.

I wish I could have a chat with him. As another guy, I don't think highly of his answer that "he's never been that way" because your asks are so basic and normal. As another guy, I'd tell him he's selfishly playing with fire because the day might come when you decide to exit the marriage in order to live the remainder of feeling loved and wanted.

I wonder if he might be willing to learn something to improve the marriage? You can honestly tell him that this marriage has real problems. It doesn't matter what was then, this is now and you have changed. You two could learn from this book:

We all have different ways that make us feel loved. And you're not feeling loved right now. He can't talk that away, it's what you genuinely feel. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained.

I'm going to recommend that you head on over to /r/lowlibidocommunity and skip the poison pity party that is /r/deadbedrooms. If you want to complain and vent, go to DB. If you want education, perspective, and possible guidance, low Libido community will help. Check out the side bar and wiki guide. If you just so a medium level glance at what articles are there you will find some that are probably very relevant. Additionally, the M.U.L.L.s are a good read for perspective and understanding what a LL partner experiences. Because the short answer is, there's very likely nothing wrong with them. If there isn't extra stress, financial hardships, diet and exercise problems, or other physical health issues, then how they are is just how they are.

Additionally, I just found this book by someone who has gone through a DB themselves in the past and has gathered a lot of info on other people's success stories over the years from deadbedrooms and other places.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08M3WL3XJ/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_pSb0Fb743M452

All that being said, I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm an HL myself and I don't know what it'd be like to go without sex for 4 months with a partner I loved. But I do know that just because my partner isn't as passionate or sexual as I am by a long shot doesn't mean she's not as invested in me and this relationship. It's just who and how she is. Nothing will change that. And you have to accept that it's okay to live life like that, or decide that that it's not.

Just because they're older doesn't mean they're mature or even fair minded. There's a reason Reddit has the /r/JUSTNOMIL sub.

And there's a reason this book was written: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward.

I recommend buying and reading this book. https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797 John Gottman is a genius when it comes to what helps a marriage last. It’s realistic and truly science based. Has helped my marriage a lot and I’ve only read a 1/4 of the book so far.

Well let's disregard the laptop situation because at most, we can only upgrade the RAM inside of one unless he knows his way around computer electronics.

Since it'll be hard to gain information about the laptop, if you can, look at it (possibly on the bottom) and tell me the brand and model (There should be a model or serial number on the bottom) That should give me all the info I'd need.

Since I'm a fellow Skyrim player, posters/figures work wonders in terms of being awesome. I'm not sure if he likes the POP figures but if you REALLY want to surprise him while keeping the costs low:

https://funko.com/blogs/news/33485443-pop-games-fallout-skyrim-and-elder-scrolls-online

https://www.amazon.com/FunKo-FUN5242-Skyrim-Dovahkiin/dp/B00VF20BKG/ref=pd_bxgy_21_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B00VF20BKG&pd_rd_r=HK2MMG0TZP4JBDT7NCFF&pd_rd_w=j4Uei&pd_rd_wg=QaU03&psc=1&refRID=HK2MMG0TZP4JBDT7NCFF

If you scroll down, there's a 3-set (Alduin, Dovahkiin, Daedric Warrior) set that usually gets purchased together. There's also a Breton and a Nord POP figure too, it'd be awesome to decorate his desk or gaming area with. They're fun to collect and I'd be smitten by my wife if she surprised me with any of these!

Shop that Amazon area, there's tons of collectables :)

I think the book that is helping my wife and I the most with our communication issues is "12 Hours to a Great Marriage" Amazon Link. Full disclosure: My therapist is one of the authors.

Part of what's kept us "stuck" in one place for a long time is that we spent more time arguing about how we argued than in trying to understand each other. We're doing better on that front, and now we are starting to face the difficult issues and talk about them instead of getting angry about differences in how we face our issues. There are some very good strategies in it that are easy to implement, but both partners need to participate. It's not a self-help book. It's an us-help book.

There's no silver bullet, but unless you have a framework for communicating, it's impossible to address the other issues.

Text her pics of baby. Text her saying you are thinking about her or that you love her. Text her that you wish you could hold her in your arms. Text her hieroglyphics made of emojis. Text her about some naughty plans you have for her when she gets home. Ask her how her day is going? Ask her what she is thinking of.

This is such an easy lift and the early child years can be so dangerous to a marriage because this is usually when one or both spouse take their eyes off of the ball and start taking each other for granted. Over time this can kill your marriage. Instead invest in your marriage. Court and woo your wife everyday, remember how you treated her when you were trying to attract her? Do that. I bet without noticing she will likely respond in kind. That is how you start a virtuous circle that will feed your marriage and will build up an emergency fund that will help you weather the inevitable turbulence all marriages have.

For bonus points check out the Gottmans 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work: https://www.amazon.com/Seven-Principles-Making-Marriage-Work/dp/0609805797

It might be fun to read it together and to do the exercises. If you do, I’ll bet you will be her hero and will get incredible dividends for your efforts and very likely a much more resilient and fulfilling marriage.

Personally? No. I had an ex husband like this and he cheated on every one after me as well. It’s not really about you as much as it is about him. Most people who do this would do it to anyone.

Sex addiction uses the same neural pathways in the brain as drugs to chase that new relationship “high” he will always be seeking that feeling and there is a 0% chance you can continue to be his “drug” so to speak.

No matter how amazing, sexy and beautiful you are as a person you can’t be new for 50+ years. That’s why some of the most beautiful people still get cheated on.

Partners with healthy relationships and boundaries understand this and work together to overcome the issues that come up when the newness fades.

I was sexually abused and that has ZERO to do with his ability to be faithful.

It would be a BS excuse if he ever uses that as a reason and as someone who was also assaulted at a young age I would call him out on that as a shameful POS to say that’s the reason.

This book is really great for understanding how this cycle is working for him. Your Brain on Porn: Internet Pornography and the Emerging Science of Addiction https://www.amazon.com/dp/099316160X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_ypXkFbK063VN4

Not with in-laws, but my kids are hella loud. I got these cheap headphones off amazon and they are surprisingly pretty noise canceling. It helps me when I’m overwhelmed by everyone else’s noise.

https://www.amazon.com/Bluetooth-Headphones-WXY-Wireless-Lightweight/dp/B07SZ77ZDZ

I have faith that it’s there. I’m 29F and celebrating 2 years of marriage this month. Currently reading this book, “Owning Your Own Shadow” [https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062507540/ref=cm_sw_r_sms_awdo_t1_DwPGCbAR3Y0DV] and it’s legit helpful

Edit: more

I purchased this for my wife and when I know she needs some attention and care I pull it out, turn the lights down low, put on some soothing music and some candles. I spend about an hour massaging her which means I only spend maybe two hours out of my day and it makes my wife extremely happy. Thats a great trade off to me. Not only does her body feel better but she knows that I care and that I see her stress/struggles/tiredness which I think means the most to her.

On top of that, bringing home flowers for no reason what so ever is always a good thing.

Wrong sub for help, but you need to build up an emergency fund for life's hiccups (just wait till you throw kids into the mix). Are you both actually on a budget and tracking every dollar you spend? If not you need to do this. Invest a few bucks and get The Total Money Makeover by Dave Ramsey. It helped save a spender and a saver from killing each other....true story :)

I've downloaded a app on Google play store called cookpad, https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.mufumbo.android.recipe.search just search low carb, or high protein. My wife is doing the no/low carb thing, I'm also diabetic so it benefits me also. Good luck.

Haha, I feel you on the over analyzing. You want to drop the thoughts, but you just can't. To ruminate.

Anyway, I have never had a baby, but even the birth control pill made me extra crazy and reactive. Estrogen, progesterone and all that. What you describe, to me as a complete and total stranger, sounds like you love each other, and you fit together well. Try not to let this overwhelm you.

I was in a place where I told my husband not to initiate because it felt too overwhelming, even if he wasn't expecting sex. I realized pretty quickly that was super unrealistic. Doesn't really matter your gender, people rely on body language to tell us how others feel, and I need my husband to be relaxed around me. Intimacy is more than sex. Sex is really intense intimacy that floods your body with crazy hormones and makes you cry sometimes, or laugh...just random emotions while you are as close to another human as you can get.

One last thing before I have to shut up and go to work, the anxious mind will ruminate because it is engaging in things like -mind reading, mental filter, catastrophizing- which are unhelpful ways of thinking. Once you know these you can start challenging your thoughts. I have been recommending this app:

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.jacksontempra.apps.whatsup

What you’ve described is a classic codependent relationship. You’re the codependent, btw. We can call it over functioning or people pleasing if that helps. Your desire for no conflict feels like the right thing to you, that you’re being the good partner, but you’re also doing this to regulate your wife’s emotions. This is controlling behavior. She’s allowed to be mad or sad and to feel her feelings. And you’re allowed to be yourself without feeling the need to sacrifice everything as to not disrupt your marriage.

Right now, you’ve got that beach ball of resentment and anxiety pushed underwater but it’s going to come back up to the surface explosively. The key is to discuss conflict as it comes up instead of pushing it all aside. There’s a book, Non-violent Communication, that will help you both learn to communicate your needs with each other in a non-blaming way. It sounds like you take on the responsibility of all of her feelings when she complains but that isn’t your job.

You’ve been working really hard. Take a deep breath. Think about some things YOU need right now. What would make you enjoy doing that doesn’t revolve around taking care of your wife. Have you done that thing in a while?

When I was in high school bio lab we put fingernail grit on a petri dish and it grew some gross bacteria. That convinced me not to.

They sell gross tasting stuff for kids to stop biting or sucking their thumbs (example).

And beyond that is therapy to work on it.

Was this the end of the conversation? Neither of you are being clear or asking for what you need clearly, but there’s no conclusion to this. Left as is there’s no way of knowing what the husband actually intends to do whatever his preferences are. The bottom line is the husband is saying “I can bring the keys back if you want me to,” which the wife expresses a preference for, albeit also unclearly.

My husband and I have had miscommunications like this for years. Miscommunications about the dumbest most frustrating things that have ruined an otherwise perfect evening. We’ve been in therapy for about two years. I had lost hope that anything would change, until our therapist had us both read Nonviolent Communication. We haven’t finished yet and already our communication is changing. We had our best therapy session in a very long time.

We’d have miscommunications like this one often, and we realized that we are both intentionally vague when we don’t want to directly ask for what we need, when we’re avoiding conflict, or afraid of rejection. When you’re vague it’s easier to say “no, you misunderstood, I wanted to do the thing,” and “but no, I was waiting for you to do the thing, I thought that was obvious.” You have to make it a rule: there are no assumptions, no reading between the lines, no expectation they know what I mean. It’s on me to communicate clearly. If they misunderstood what I was saying, I wasn’t clear enough.

Your wife should have outright said “can you bring the key back, I don’t want to be stranded.” And you should have responded that you’d rather not as she’ll be coming home anyway, rather than saying that “I can” (if you want me to.) I’d prefer not to be stuck is also vague and could mean I want you to be aware or I want you to bring it back. Both of you need to be more direct.

Consider reading Nonviolent Communication to learn more constructive ways of talking to each other (but he’d have to be on board, too). It will help you in your next relationship, too. I can’t imagine being around someone who talked so disrespectfully to me regardless if my bills were paid and I had a place to live. That’s literally the basics of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs: food, water, shelter. What things ARE working for you in the relationship?

The Book

Is a link ok? The people who made it do a much better job of explaining the concept and the process than I ever could lol.

There’s also a book you can get separately. We only got the cards, but now that I’m looking at it again I may download the audiobook too!

https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Deck-Conversation-Prioritizing/dp/059323166X/ref=mp_s_a_1_2?crid=3QT58FSJUA1QE&keywords=fairplay+cards&qid=1669745502&sprefix=fairpla%2Caps%2C145&sr=8-2

You can get some on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/Aurohealth-E-Con-Morning-After/dp/B0897YYY17/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?crid=20GINSTUJHN1T&keywords=plan+b+emergency+contraceptive+pill&qid=1669681359&sprefix=plan+%2Caps%2C155&sr=8-3

https://www.amazon.com/Every-Womans-Battle-Discovering-Fulfillment/dp/0307457982/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=2AO10UEJ6BQ4U&keywords=shannon+ethridge+books&qid=1669409206&sprefix=shannon+eth%2Caps%2C70&sr=8-4

https://www.amazon.com/Every-Womans-Battle-Discovering-Fulfillment/dp/0307457982/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=2AO10UEJ6BQ4U&keywords=shannon+ethridge+books&qid=1669409206&sprefix=shannon+eth%2Caps%2C70&sr=8-4

https://www.amazon.com/Every-Womans-Battle-Discovering-Fulfillment/dp/0307457982/ref=mp_s_a_1_4?crid=2AO10UEJ6BQ4U&keywords=shannon+ethridge+books&qid=1669404610&sprefix=shannon+eth%2Caps%2C70&sr=8-4

My husband has never been this level of negligent in our marriage, but I still did 60/40 the majority of the time.

He read the book Fair Play over the summer and a lightbulb went on for him.

He promised to never say “Tell me what you need me to do” ever again.

Great question. We're of the same faith so we did it through church. We also independently did a pre-marriage counseling book. I highly encourage this if you can't find a counselor because the book guides you through important questions that require you to detail expectations. See the book link below on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Premarital-Workbook-Christians-Reflections-Faith-Based/dp/1638079315?ref=d6k_applink_bb_dls&dplnkId=fe191d2c-26f5-4dae-904f-3c6391170055

I don't encourage marrying someone who can't get through that book. For example, if they can't discuss their finances in fine tooth detail, they shouldn't be marrying. Period; no exceptions. This goes for the ENTIRE book. However, the components I mentioned in my first post are required to marry quickly, in my opinion.

Super happy for you. Don't allow naysayers to discourage you. I've NEVER believed in dating just to date or living together to learn about someone before marriage. My parents have been married for 35 years and are still learning new things everyday. You have my blessing. ❤️🙏🏼

There's a book titled Crucial Conversations and it's about how to raise uncomfortable discussions anywhere in life. Here's a short video explaining that.

I don't think you want to argue because arguments don't work, emotions heighten and we often say hurtful things that we shouldn't.

But you can be more assertive and speak up to address issues and your feelings. You can have expectations and state them.

There's a book titled Crucial Conversations and it's about how to raise uncomfortable discussions anywhere in life. Here's a short video explaining that.

A study published in the book "Making Marriage Work," (linking only bc there are a few books of the same title) said that for a man to have a beautiful wife was thougth to be a mark of his success whereas for a woman to land a hotter man isn't thought much-of in terms of her success.

I remember a couple that were regulars in my restaurant. She was obese and he was relatively attractive. Getting to know them, I found that he'd been an investment guy with a black belt in karate and she was from a wealthy family. My conclusion was that after they'd both been divorced, they'd known each other a long time. She knew he was trustworthy with her wealth, and he knew her to be a good person.

Also, he might have liked that maybe she wouldn't be as likely to cheat, and perhaps she liked that he didn't need her money or validation. They could like each other for who they were.

The fact that he's throwing you under the bus to his parents kind of tells us everything we need to know about how he's viewing the situation -- it seems you are an accessory to his life, not a priority in it. If you are an inconvenient accessory, you will be punished. OP, this is a massive neon blinking red flag.

Don't make kids with this man. Please, OP, consider moving back where you know people and people know you. It is absolutely bugfuck insane that he moved you away from everything you know - essentially isolating you - and now is expecting you to somehow bootstrap (?!) into some vague idea of growth (?!) shortly before he does it all again and moves you to fucking ALABAMA.

I have family in Alabama. I don't know what kind of like-minded people he's talking about, but you really have to consider if they're all going to treat you this way too because it's not looking good. It will likely only get worse from here. Please read SHOULD I STAY OR SHOULD I GO by Lundy Bancroft and do the workbook - it may help clarify your situation to you a lot more. https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Surviving-Narcissistic-Relationship/dp/1618688782

If he's in any way interested in changing, he would try. He could start by reading

https://www.amazon.com/Every-Mans-Battle-Winning-Temptation/dp/0307457974

That's a real shame to have such a crappy grandparent. Grandparents should be wonderful.

Your suggestion is more than I'd offer... I disassociate with people like that-permanently.

You and especially your husband might benefit from this book: Toxic In-Laws: Loving Strategies for Protecting Your Marriage by Susan Forward.

https://www.amazon.com/WF-113D-Wireless-Recording-Internet-Charging/dp/B07DY8K2PL/ref=sr\_1\_4?keywords=night+light+camera&qid=1666497081&qu=eyJxc2MiOiI0LjU2IiwicXNhIjoiNC4yOCIsInFzcCI6IjEuMDAifQ%3D%3D&sr=8-4

I would worry less about fixing this issues and more about investing in the joy of togetherness. The Gottmans are psychologists - probably the biggest names in couples therapy. They have an immense body of research around what makes a couple stay together and stay happy. They can predict divorce to a 90% accuracy just watching a couple for 15 minutes. If you want to get serious about your happiness together and like to either listen to podcasts or read, you should check out their work.

They just published a new book called the Love Prescription which is a 7 day couple challenge practicing their methods.

They focus both on how to have healthier conflict and how to feel more attached and joyful together.

https://www.amazon.com/Love-Prescription-Seven-Intimacy-Connection/dp/0143136631/ref=asc_df_0143136631/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=598278803644&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=522441737188439840&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=...

https://www.gottman.com/about/the-gottman-method/

I'm so sorry you're going through this, OP. He is an abuser, and abusers do not improve. In fact, it's the opposite. Abusers can be charming to get their needs met, and they make apologies and promises that they won't and can't keep. Abusers are broken people but this doesn't mean that his brokenness has to be your burden or part of your life's journey anymore.

Marriage will intensify any problems that are present; it will in no way make him become the partner who you need or want him to be. You can undoubtedly move on and be much safer and much more confident & self-assured than marriage to this man will ever make you feel.

When you feel the time is right, make a game plan to leave. Definitely reach out to others for support, including counseling if you can. You can still care about or even love him- but love and trust yourself enough to walk away. I would also recommend this book to you. It's a classic, and so insightful. Take care.

So, she's moving out to prevent you from giving the cat away?

If so, perhaps explore something like Soft Claws that will diminish the damage the cat can do without harming the cat. Also, a pheromone spray like Feliway might help calm the cat. If all that fails, consider consulting with an animal behaviorist.

Great time for a conversation!

What I see through this is a potential mis-match in love languages. We all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. And what we often do is feed our partner what we want to feel and not what they want to feel. And that can easily be both ways, so this is a skill that she could learn too.

To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained.

There’s a great book for this.

If it truly bothers you, install an exhaust, purchase cleaning supplies and maybe been a product like this. Leaving some supplies under the sink is a relatively easy and inexpensive solution. But in all honesty, this wears off. One day you’ll be exchanging bodily function stories like it’s the weather.

Very common. We all have different ways that make us feel loved. That is the premise of one of the most popular books in this sub: The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts by Gary Chapman. And what we often do is feed our partner what we want to feel and not what they want to feel.

To explain it, there's this video that does a decent job of introducing the topic: The 5 Love Languages Explained.

You're asking good questions, and this is a common problem with long-term partnerships. They're often close and congenial, but not always erotic or "spicy." Reading Mating in Captivity helped shine a light on this issue for me. The fact is, for most people, sexuality is fueled by an edge of play, the unexpected, that which is kept hidden, parts of ourselves that might even be a bit naughty or shameful. One way to unlock this energy is to try a novel and exciting activity together. Make sure it's an activity that you both find exciting to try, like swing dancing, rock climbing, writing erotica together, or exploring somewhere you've never been - it doesn't matter what.