Therapy, mainly. You also need to try to understand the position of your parents a bit, depending on your situation.
My dad was a quiet guy, worked a lot, didn't do much for father-son relationships. Largely absent in my life.
When I grew older, I realized he was beat as a kid all the time. His dad bought him a chick for easter, then made him slaughter it several months later and eat it. He doesn't eat chicken to this day.
His dad was an angry drunk man.
In his eyes, he probably gave me the childhood he always wanted. Not beating your kids and not getting angry and not getting drunk all the time...was probably a childhood dream of his.
To him, my childhood was probably paradise. To me, it was lacking compared to other dads I see out there.
Edit: It should also be noted that I am never having kids. I never had the drive and I realize how much it would take for me to raise a child well and it's just not worth it to me. I'm sure childhood may have something to do with this...maybe not.
I'd also recommend people read "Unequal Childhoods" if you're curious about your upbringing, especially if you were lower middle class (like I was) and end up in solid to upper middle class later in life.
A lot of it focuses on how people with less money view children as children and not as small people with the ability to reason and understand as an adult human, to some degree. It's really interesting.
A checking account is for paying your bills, that is it. You are correct 20K is way too much. IMHO the best place to put it is into a mutual fund of an IRA. Now that you no longer have an active 401K you want to talk to a retirement specialist about setting up such an account. You can roll your old 401K over into it as well.
You don't want your emergency fund in a vanilla savings account either. Put it in a money market account ( not the mutual fund kind ). You will only get a few shekels in interest, but the money will be liquid.
Read a copy of Get A Financial Life. It is written for people who aren't interested in reading about money, but it teaches you the basics of personal finance.
A very good reddit for advice on personal finance:
Since you are going to own a small business you might want to read up on money management for that too.
Read the book Get A Financial Life. It is written for people who don't like reading about money and who are just starting off with managing their personal finances.
It's definitely not a "millennial thing". If anything, I've seen the younger generations take it better than their GenX/Boomer counterparts. (And the sooner people stop using that excuse/blame, the better)
It's shitty human nature, especially in our society, and especially for people who are afraid for their jobs. Folks who have more to lose (can't feed their family) if they screw up too much and it gets pointed out.
Everyone in the modern workforce should read The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, and probably re-read it once a year.
This is survivor guilt, or survivor syndrome, and probably best addressed with a therapist. If that's not an option, there are books. (not a recommendation, just an example)
Get A Financial LIfe by Koblinger - teaches basic personal financial management up through setting up money market accounts. Written for people who do not enjoy reading about finance.
Your Money Or Your Life - "philosophy of money" that will help you think about money in new ways that will lead to more happiness, and early financial independence on a small income if that is your wish.
If you don't play sport, go to church or anything like that, it can be hard.
I found meetup.com which helps. I have met a lot of people but I still don't have any really close friends.
I just read the book "The Body Keeps the Score" by Bessel Van Der Kerk and found it immensely helpful. You mention an abusive childhood, the effects of which are covered extensively in the book and include anxiety and depression (particularly of a kind that simply trying to reframe your thoughts cannot help). Traumatic events leave their mark on our bodies as well as our minds and hearts. I highly recommend checking it out. It's even on sale on Amazon right now: The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma https://www.amazon.com/dp/0143127748/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_3HRqDbJ8YCPFA
(33F here. I have similar feelings)
So far, so good. Memory is like any skill, the more you practice the better you'll be. Highly recommend Harry Lorayne's Complete Guide to Memory Mastery.
Heart disease isn't the death sentence it used to be. A 4 way bypass is a new lease on life as long as he takes it seriously and focuses on his health, diet and exercise. Gave my dad an additional 20 years and he was unstoppable.
The Leukemia is the shitter, I am sorry. The best you can do for that situation is be very cognizant of her pain, and keep on top of her treatment. Make the time to spend the time. You will always be glad you did.
One of the things I have always done with my family members who were older and have since passed on, is make a video history with them. I kind of consider it my job.
Get this book
It gives you an outline.
I am sure to upload every video to the cloud and send it to every family member. I swear to you, I have been doing this for the last 50 years, and the increadable family stories, and history I have chronicled is amazing. Family members have even played some of the edited portions during important family events, and the children have been able to "meet" relatives who have passed.
I am doing this right now with my mother who was diagnosed with lung cancer. It is the best part of our day.
Good Luck to you.
Life happens and people are tired. People moving away is a thing. Not everyone grows up and stays in the same place all their lives. Hanging out with friends in your 30s, in my experience, requires persistence.
Look into meetup.com. NYC probably has loads of shit going on all the time.
Turn around and walk away in the opposite direction.
Put your money into a low-cost, broad market index fund instead, and forget all about it until you retire. You'll sleep much better at night. Crypto is a major bubble, and the space is just full of scammers and snake-oil salesmen.
You know it's a joke when an iced tea company (Long Island Iced Tea) can change its name to "Long Blockchain" and see their stock price jump 500% on that news alone. No actual product, just the word "blockchain" in their name. Yes, that actually happened:
I'm an introvert so I don't really have this problem, but it seems like a good starting place is accepting that you like being around other people. There's nothing wrong with it; there was a loneliness epidemic before COVID-19 and this whole situation has just turned things up to 11. If you derive meaning from sharing things with other people that's great, but when that isn't possible, how can you create meaning for yourself? You're the only one who can answer that question.
Haven't read it, but this book seems like it be useful: https://www.amazon.com/Art-Living-Alone-Loving-inspirational/dp/1760634581
I don’t really love advertising for certain things, but this has really helped me out with juggling life:
Basically, get it all out of your head and into some thing better at keeping information. Software, planner, calendar. I am building a house, have a stressful software engineer job, have 4 kids under 7, and a wife with medical problems. I still fail a lot...but now not as often!
I read this one, liked it: https://www.amazon.com/Expectant-Father-Ultimate-Dads-Be/dp/0789212137/ref=tmm_pap_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
The Expectant Father: The Ultimate Guide for Dads-to-Be by Armin A. Brott, Jennifer Ash
Have you heard of Negative Visualization?
Pause now and then to consider the state of your life. Think of the people you love and the things you value. If you love someone, consider how you’d fare without them. If you have a great ride, think how you’d do on a bicycle or bus pass. Think of how bored you’d be if you could no longer do whatever hobbies you enjoy. Ponder the changes that a sudden loss of health would bring. This can help prepare you for an unexpected loss or change, although nothing will ever really prevent grief. More importantly, it should help you appreciate your circumstances and the people around you more, and make you content with the life you already live.
You seem dismissive of meditation and books, which seems odd for a question like this, but the first I’d recommend would be A Guide to the Good Life.
Sounds like you have some negative biases in your thought patterns. Have you ever heard of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy? On the simplest level its about recognizing your thoughts evaluating them, and rationally deciding if they are accurate or being biased. My hands down all time favorite author, Jonathan Haidt, wrote a great book that is a great first look into the practice called "The happiness hypothesis" You might want to check it out.
But to the problem, if you have the emotional energy to reconnect you should. She may be feeling lonely and is reaching out to someone she remembered was a great person. There is a loneliness epidemic in the west, you could go a long way to help her, and yourself in the process.
Start small, build back up to a trusting conversation. After a few texts suggest a skype call or something, it's far easier to reconnect face to face, even if its on your couch.
I’m not a guy, sorry, but Mark Manson’s site PostMasculine always struck me as the least douchey of these types of things. His book Models seems to be well-received, too.
Social media is specifically designed by billion dollar companies to get you addicted, to feel left out, to condition you to look for headlines and not the story. Honestly, it's pretty toxic, the only people who use social media and aren't slaves to it are the elderly who have no idea how it works much less how it's "supposed to" work.
All the while they collect private information about you and sell it to the highest bidder. A lot of people think, what's the big deal? I don't mind if companies know I love my dog or what I eat for brunch, but you'd be surprised how much they really know about you: https://signal.org/blog/the-instagram-ads-you-will-never-see/
I've entered the phase in my life where I don't really have many friends. I've shed most of the people that were barely friends or just acquaintances and now have a lean 4-5 friends that I talk to regularly and I know I can count on them for anything from a birthday greeting without social media prompting them to all the way to if I need to bury a body. I'm honestly pretty happy with the friends I have and we don't need social media to keep in touch. We send each other photos, gifs, and funny stuff and have actual conversations about how their kids are doing, if they're thinking about buying a new car, etc. You know, stuff that actually matters.
When it comes to keeping up with news, scores, whatever else I'm interested in, Google does a much better job of figuring out what I like and giving me credible (after I changed a bunch of settings) articles/sources better than my cousin I never talk to could.
I will admit I do still have an Instagram account but I never post anything on it I don't really follow anyone I know. I just scroll mindlessly for a laugh if I have 10 minutes to kill while waiting for someone.
TL;DR social media is toxic and quitting it had no consequence to my life.
“How to Make Friends and Influence People” -Dale Carnegie
“The Art of War” - Sun Tzu
“Siddartha” - Hermann Hesse
“Against the Gods” - Peter L. Bernstein
The first is to gain a solid understanding of interpersonal relationship dynamics, the second is to learn to appreciate strategy and control in all aspects of life, the third is a good conduit for acquiring an appreciation for spiritual wealth, and the fourth is to sharpen your mind to identify and manipulate risk in the financial world as well as life in general.
I'm not going to put details on the internet, but buy this book, read it, and understand that there are genuinely evil people in the world who will use these tactics against you: 48 Laws of Power. You cannot defend yourself against those people if you don't understand their tactics yourself.
Here's a summary of the laws: https://www.tke.org/files/file/The_48_Laws_of_Power.pdf
I love my french press. As long as I can make water hot enough I can have coffee. And the only waste is coffee grounds which make great compost, especially for acid-loving plants like pines and azaleas.
In some ways you might be able to use this as a wakeup call. I was late to the game and graduated with a mechanical engineering degree at 33.
Some of the more senior engineers treated me like I'm some god of Excel. In reality I was writing a few simple macros in VBA. Relatively basic for loops, conditional statements, and relational operators. Something every engineer that's graduated in the last 20 years should be familiar with thanks to an intro computer science class most are required to take.
It's also something that is pretty easy to quickly learn nowadays thanks to places like YouTube and Udemy.com.
I guess I'm trying to say that if you feel left behind, it may not be nearly as hard to catch up as you think (obviously this is going to vary on a case by case basis).
I was just listening to the interview with Matthew Walker on Joe Rogan's podcast. He's a neuroscientist and sleep expert and the information he shared on the effects of sleep deficit were really shocking.
Link to the book - https://www.amazon.com/Why-We-Sleep-Unlocking-Dreams/dp/1501144316
> Don't say "ethnic". You can say International or just name the cuisines. The food I was raised with wasn't "ethnic food" it was just "food".
pertaining to or characteristic of a people, especially a group (ethnic group) sharing a common and distinctive culture, religion, language, or the like.
You're welcome to be offended or sensitive if you'd like, but I used the word correctly and with respect. The problem is yours, not mine.
From what I've seen of the science, once a day is probably more than needed to see the benefits. But regular ejaculation(a few times a week) has been observed to reduce the risk of prostate cancer.
I second the bluetooth headphones. I have two pair actually. I have the Amazon Echo buds (similar to Airpods) that I use at work and at the gym (back when gyms were open), and also the ones I recommend most, the Sony MDRXB950BT. I recommend these because they're comfortable and have a BEASTLY 20 hr. battery life. Also, there are controls on the headset itself that work well with audiobooks, podcasts, music, and calls (there's a microphone for phone calls too). I use these for all things. Yard work, chores, and those days when I was washing baby bottles by the ton.
I recommend these to new dads, but really just to any adult. They're awesome. I did not have the in-ear bluetooth headphones when my son was a newborn (they were just coming on the market then), but I wish I had, and I'd recommend. I like that you can use only one ear at a time if need be.
Also, on the Kindle recommendation, everyone should look into Amazon's Whispersync technology.. If you get both the audible and kindle version of a book, you can switch seamlessly between listening and reading, picking up right where you left off. This helps me read way more. I just wouldn't otherwise have time to sit and read for hours, but I can listen while I workout, mow, clean, etc.
Good question. I would start here. Learn to differentiate good and bad advice from starting at the beginning and going slow. You could also start here.
> But my job is essentially "hurry up and wait" (I'm a firefighter/EMT), so things get stupid.
I had a friend who was both an LCSW ( a shrink ) and a first responder.
Immature behavior is a way of dealing with things that are hard to deal with that few other human beings know how to handle.
A former professor of mine published a huge book on resilence for first responders. It is out of print and hence over priced on Amazon, but he made a scaled down workbook version ( I haven't read it ). It might save you some stress later on down the road
I was you, about two years ago. I had fully committed to being a great dad and a great husband, but had stopped developing as an individual. Figuring that out is an excellent first step to, as you said, getting your life back in balance.
Here are two books that helped me:
Man's Search for Meaning, by Viktor Frankl: It's a short book by a Holocaust survivor that deals with controlling your attitude at all times, and having perspective on where you are compared to where you want to be.
A Guide to the Good Life, by William Irvine: A good modern take on Stoicism, or the philosophy of taking life in stride. Contrary to common belief, it's not about eschewing all emotions and being joyless; it's about embracing joy in all things, acknowledging and preparing for grief but not letting them overwhelm you, and being mentally present in day-to-day life. Plan for the future, but don't forget to take joy in the small moments of the present.
Edited in links.
This goddamn thing.
I wanted it SO BAD back in the day for my Commodore 64 and then I got it and it was stupid expensive so a big part of my Christmas and it didn't work. You had to have the sensors lined up just right and if you lost the connection for a second you'd just die.
This starter set will get you off to a great start and will be the best discs for you long-term if you decide to stick with it.
The /r/discgolf community is great overall especially for new players wanting to ask questions.
There is also quality coverage on YouTube of professional disc golf tournaments. Check out any of the following channels: Jomez Pro, Central Coast Disc Golf (these are the two biggest channels), The Disc Golf Guy, Par Save Productions, or GK Pro.
For channels about how to get better once you get bitten by the disc golf bug, check out Danny Lindahl's channel or search Physics of Flight on YouTube.
I can't overstate how much youtube has helped with this. When I bought my home my grandfather gave me the American Electricians Handbook because he saw what I failed to see: A home with a lot of "homeowner's special" wiring down in the basement. I spent a lot of time on the phone with him or my father trying to diagnose electrical/heat/water issues & come up with solutions. I think this was the way most people that aren't in the trades had to learn about their own home in the past.
Within a few years of youtube's release in the mid 2000's, it suddenly became much easier to learn about everything. Youtube is a homeowner's dream. If someone has never owned a home without having youtube on your pocket computer, you don't know how much pain you're avoiding!
How To Win Friends and Influence People. It's not the end-all to self improvement, but it has some good insight on how to treat people in order to make them happy they met you. If you read it with a mindset of gaining the ability to satiate your own greed, you've got bigger problems. It just helps make meeting and talking with people easier.
Well, you have no interests. So you have to start somewhere. What seems like it might interest you? Fishing? Sports? Going shopping at vintage stores? Reading? Pick something, research it a little to see what it might cost to get started, and get started.
Socializing is like any other muscle. You need to use it. Find one of those things that interests you, and look it up on meetup.com Look for other people into the same thing.
I would give meditation a shot. I know it might sound crazy to squeeze in 30 minutes a day to sit and do nothing. But I'm telling you, the nervous system needs a good recharge and it will do wonders to relax you.
I love this app, which has guided mediations: https://www.headspace.com/
yep, meetup.com join some groups that interest you. Go on a few outings. The other people that attend are fairly normal and just looking to do stuff too. It's a social networking site that actually promotes social interaction.
I'm 38 and I'm in a place where I'm making progress but I should have been here 10-15 years ago. This is what's worked well for me:
Sobering up. No tobacco no booze no weed no drugs. It took me this long to figure out that I don't moderate well. In the end it's been far more difficult for me to moderate than to just stop. This was a hard and bitter pill to swallow. It helps to have sober hobbies to throw yourself into. It also helps to talk it out on r/stopdrinking and r/leaves.
I'm a fan of YouTuber CGP Grey. Two books he recommends are Getting Things Done and So Good They Can't Ignore You. Read each of those books three times. You can do them on audiobook as well. I would also add Your Money or Your Life for getting your financial life together. These three books will teach you how to adult.
If you can make peace with working on the things that truly matter you at 10pm on a Friday wile everyone else hits the bars and parties, then you can't not make progress.
I like the Loop habit tracker because it shows a rating that rises and falls slowly as you keep or fall off the habit. It works quite well as a visualizer of how well you're doing and you get an itch to check off every day.
You don't really have to spend much time on your habits. Just do a little bit every day, enough to scratch at it. The effect builds over time. Though it may be good to occasionally make a bigger push.
Decluttering and paring down makes an amazing difference. In the past few years a book called "The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up" has gotten a lot of cultural traction. I gave it a shot and rather surprisingly it's actually lived up to its name. Much easier to keep clean when you have way less stuff. Also, being surrounded only by things that make you happy (and not carrying the mental freight of all the stuff that doesn't) makes a huge day to day difference.
/r/konmari is where we talk about it on reddit.
There will always be people who have things better than you, and always be people who have things worse than you. You will never be satisfied by comparing yourself to others.
Two quotes come to mind. First, from Hemingway:
>There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self.
Life has set unequal obstacles for every individual. You cannot take credit, or blame, for being better or worse off than others. The best you can do is try to work and improve yourself. You can be proud of that. By improving yourself, you'll improve your life, and hopefully help to improve the lives of others too.
Second quote, is from Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance:
>When you reach the top of the mountain, the only zen you will find there is the zen you brought with you.
In other words, enlightenment comes from within you. Getting a new car, new promotion, more money, etc, that will not satisfy you. Not for more than a day anyway. Your true satisfaction must come from within. You don't attain enlightenment by climbing a mountain, but by finding it within yourself.
Things don't magically become better just because you grow older and in your case I'd imagine they're only going to become worse if you don't start fixing it now. Also, at your age females are not girls, they're women; much like you wouldn't want to be thought of or called a boy.
Have you asked your friends about why they think you can't land a date or a relationship? They know you the best so I'd start there. Do you have any female friends?
Another user said therapy and while therapy is always good regardless of mental or physical state it might not be time yet for that but if you can afford it or work will pay for it there's no reason not to.
How many women are you meeting on a daily, weekly or monthly basis? Out of those how many have you asked out? Do you talk to strangers on an daily basis? A 0.001% success rate means nothing if we have no knowledge about number of attempts.
Are you a virgin?
How do you think you indicate interest? You sound like you're probably socially awkward and don't have a lot, or any, experience escalating your interest in women that not only feels natural to you but to them as well and makes them feel comfortable around you. If you can make a woman, or a man, feel at ease and comfortable around you then you have it made.
Have you read Models by Mark Manson or how to win friends and influence people by Dale Carnegie? Have you read any books like these that give you exercises to work on? I.e. Starting conversation with 10 random people every day for 7 days in a row or approaching 10 women a day or smiling at 5 people on the street, etc...
I know that it's easier for me to meet and get together with women now that I'm in my 30s but I never really had an issue with that.
For evidence of this, go read the reviews on almost any item or service. People who get mad at something are ten times more likely to review it than people who like it. Most of it is just empty complaining and the stats show married couples are doing pretty well.
(Except for the marriage tax penalty, that one is 100% true!)
Get a book about babies. I put a lot of energy into learning about pregnancy with our first, so I could be a supportive husband. That went fine. But then we took the baby home and I realized I didn't know anything about babies-- had to rely on my wife to teach me. I got the Mayo Clinic book that first week and reading it helped a lot.
Beyond that, the first six months are a great opportunities to support your partner by just doing stuff so they don't have to. Be the one who changes diapers in the middle of the night. If you're working days and your partner is home with the baby at first, come home prepared to take over: handle the feeding, changing, bedtime, etc. Being one-on-one with an infant for 8-10+ hours a day is exhausting even if you're not recovering from pregnancy. If mom is breast feeding and up during the night, you should take all the other nighttime duties as well.
Our kids are in high school/college now, but I still remember those first months quite vividly. It's hard. But it's also incredibly rewarding.
Morality doesn't necessarily correlate with success but being consistently ethical let's people know that you can be counted on. It's also way less stressful because you don't have to worry about covering your tracks! But it's not more moral to put your employer before your family and your employer knows that. If market conditions change your boss will lay you off to save their own job.
Netflix has a famous slide show about their corporate culture that says it clearly: we are not a family. It's kind of harsh the first time through but they're being honest.
Any employer asking you to treat them like family is taking advantage of you.
I've been strapping McKenzie Lumbar Rolls to ordinary chairs for decades and it has always worked for preventing back pain from sitting. $22 USD
You can learn guitar! I picked it up in my early 30s.
Buy a Yamaha FG830 (can likely find it used somewhere). Not expensive and sounds very good. Make sure you get it "set up" at a guitar shop which makes it much, much easier to play.
Then hit up Justin Guitar and Marty Music on Youtube and start learning your chords, how to change between them, strumming patterns, then start playing basic songs like Free Fallin.
It doesn't take too long to be "decent" at the guitar. Intermediate and obviously expert guitarists ...that takes lots and lots of time and practice (and you can get there too). But just start with the basics and you can learn.
Female here and I agree with this. These types of suits are much more attractive than the kind that hangs down to your knees and looks like cargo shorts.
Read “The Millionaire Next Door.”
The majority of very wealthy people live very modestly, invest wisely (e.g, property) and are excellent savers. Very few of those living the lifestyle of the rich and famous are actually rich.
They encourage you to make small movements with your feet and provide some cushioning as well.
It sounds like a gimmick and was very skeptical when I bought it; but surprisingly it helped a ton with leg fatigue.
This is the one I bought (yeah, they're expensive):
I recently got my dad a wine aroma kit and a Coravin. Both were big hits.
Aroma Academy - Wine Aroma Kit - 24 Aroma Nose Training System https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01A5OOGIC/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_aJidGbPTNJ88J
classic cook book is "How to cook everything: the basics". I believe the first recipe is how to boil water (for later how to boil an egg). It grows in complexity to recipes such as pizza. It details what tools you need and how to wash vegetables
YouTube is your friend. Most cookbooks don't have enough pictures whereas, in the video, you can see all the in-between information (ie just how vigorously do you stir it) that the new cook will not know but is easily filled in by veteran cooks.
TIL that a lot of older guys have all their shit together, but are still afraid of women and rejection.
I am a shy guy and afraid too, but i get slow and little success because i still try. I suggest every man (and women, there's lots of women that likes this book too because it's not misogynist, it treats everybody like human beings) to read Models by Mark Manson. It's not pickup, it's advice that will help you become more attractive. It will help you stop dressing like a slob, it will help you learn how to talk with people (and women) without pre-programmed bullshit, will teach you about vulnerability being the best thing, help you deal with anxiety and help you spot girls who are interested.
It's a really down to earth book and he still tells you that for the average men, dating is a numbers game and you will get 1 women out of 10 that you asked out. This is just how the world works, you'll not be compatible with a lot of people and that is what rejection is: incompatibility. But you'll get worse results if you don't try at all.
You have a lot of free time that was previously occupied by a person. So the goal is to find meaningful things to fill that time with.
Do you have anywhere that you can hike? I live near the Smokys now and have been going there for hikes recently. Being in nature is cleansing. Plus the hiking part is good for you physically.
Do you have any hobbies? Perhaps there are ones you've wanted to dive into in the past, but haven't?
Look into meetup.com -- people organize activities and people show up. Good way to meet people and do fun things.
I will always suggest traveling during a time like this. Go to a new city nearby you've never been. Get out of the country. Give yourself something to look forward to.
I think the whole "show my ex I'm doing fine" is looking at this process from a different angle. Like, yeah, that's one way of looking at it. Tweak your perspective: you're doing things you've wanted to do and trying new things. Be grateful for the opportunity.
Do gratitude exercises. Think of 10 things every day you're grateful for. Your job, your family, good coffee in the morning, a good meal, friends. You'll run out of big things (like family, friends) and you'll need to focus on things that happen in your every day life. The goal of gratitude exercises is to change the internal dialogue in your head and make you more mindful of the little things. You have to commit to doing this every day.
There's nothing inherently wrong with playing computer games and smoking weed, but it seems like you want to do something else with your time, so you gotta figure out what. In general it sounds like you're kinda depressed and that's not something that's really your fault. Try to exercise; I never had much luck with the gym but riding a bike or running for an hour was something I grew to enjoy over time.
Since you say you eat like shit, another easy thing you could start with is eating better, and maybe you'll enjoy cooking as a hobby. I think most of us have go-to meals that we are comfortable making, and so shopping becomes kind of easy. I'm sure we can offer advice if this interests you.
As for friends... If you play any sports or have a desire to, find a league near you. Or if you're into tabletop gaming check facebook or meetup.com. Unfortunately not all cities are created equal. My town has a group that plays stuff like kickball, but I lived in a place for a few years where nobody did anything and it really beat me down.
Three kids here. Yes her body has changed, but I still think she looks great.
However, she's always had major body image issues, and those issues got worse after having three kids. That's where the challenge seems to lie. This contributes to her depression, and it's hard to help her back up.
In the US, there's also a ridiculous lack of education about pain during intercourse after having a baby, and therapy is rarely ever offered. Vaginismus and Dyspareunia are very common, can last for years, and interfere with the sex lives in many couples.
An article popped up for me just this morning about this.
Sorry about the link, I don't think it should require you to download anything.
Great insights. It took me until I was in my mid 30's to understand that being an introvert wasn't a bad thing. It wasn't something broken that needed to be fixed.
If you haven't read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, I highly recommend it. It completely changed the way I see myself and gave me important insights on what I need in order to be happy.
I only knew a bit about Feynman when I picked up The Pleasure of Finding Things Out. He has really head scratching essays and stories that are written in a very conversational tone. Ever since I had him on my list of people living or dead you would want to have dinner with.
Being an asshole to others won't make you feel better about yourself. It will just reinforce negative emotional energy.
Napoleon Hill wrote about this in his book Think and Grow Rich.
He goes on to explain the transference of emotional energy and the transmutation of emotional energy.
Oh, I have about 60 books, mostly about whatever was bothering me at the time. I would just go to Amazon and search and see what books had good reviews. If I was depressed, I would search for a motivational book. If I was broke, something about money (Dave Ramsey's Total Money Makeover was good). Other good reads were No More Mr. nice Guy by Dr. Glover, which I read after my divorce. When I was looking for a new job, I read about workplace and business tips.
So it really depends on what is bothering you ... but whatever it is, I am sure you can improve if you get some different perspective on it.
And FWIW, not all books are good, and some good books have bad advice. You really have to decide what works for you. And sometimes stuff that sounds like bad advice is really GOOD advice, just because you've been doing it wrong your whole life.
I think I was lucky in a way that my hobby was programming, which tends to lead to lucrative work instead of the difficulties facing aspiring musicians. However, for me, I found that turning my hobby into my profession took away much of what I had used to enjoy about it. But then, as I grew better at it, I started enjoying it more again.
A very good book about this is Cal Newport's So Good They Can't Ignore You. He argues that the advice of following your passion is unhelpful. Instead, focus on becoming very good at what you do, and you will find that your work becomes rewarding. In essence, there's a feedback loop between competence and passion. The book is short, but excellent.
■ Sign up to mint.com and start analyzing your spending.
■ Read the book "The Richest Man in Babylon."
■ Pay yourself first. Commit to saving a minimum.
■ Get a higher paying job. Sorry, it's a hard truth.
Yep. This is pretty much how I assume a lot of us got into the biz (web development for me.) But I didn't go to college, just studied on my own and built a portfolio with freelance work.
Edit: I'll add that I did that stuff with books: The C Programming Language, 2nd ed.; PHP and MySQL for Dynamic Websites. Those two were the real game-changers for me, and they are still relevant. Today, there are an immense amount of free resources on the Web like Code Academy.
Usually it's a little in between. Gitlab is a fully remote company and you can see what they pay people here. The local labor market is taken into account, but it's usually a bit better than people can get with a commute.
There's also huge cost savings that come from not commuting. I did the math and I'm saving $10,000-$20,000 per year by not having a commute, not counting the time I save.
Buck up mode on:
Listen, you're thinking about this all wrong. This is time for yourself. There's GOT to be some things you've wanted the time to do, but could never quite fit in.
A music lesson on some instrument you've always wanted to try?
Buy a cookbook that has foods you really love, and learn to cook a few complex dishes to wow your friends later. Perfect some baking.
Catch up/binge watch some movies/series you never had time to keep up on. You don't have to share the remote with anyone!
Finish a book...or better yet, a series of books that you always wanted to.
Go to the movies alone.
Go to a concert alone.
Look on Meetup.com for holiday orphan get togethers...they're common and fun!
Don't let yourself slide into the "poor pitiful me" zone.
GnuCash is my absolute favorite (free) program when it comes to basic accounting.
You'll have to input everything yourself, which is bad if you don't find bookkeeping at least semi-enjoyable, but it's great if you need a mechanism to force you to examine what money is coming in and where it's going.
Even if you don't specifically have a budget, you'll definitely recognize trends, and know when to sound the alarm bell and investigate further. (Such as if a utility bill suddenly spikes, or if your grocery/dining amounts continuously creeps up every month.)
If you can use your downtime at your current job to take online classes that work towards a skill, its the perfect setup. There are things like MOOC courses for free https://www.mooc-list.com/ . A lot of universities are now doing 15 week "camps" for non-degree seekers. I haven't shopped around, but one I looked into was very expensive.
This software is pretty powerful. However, I'll warn you that I got BADLY burned by them with one of their upgrades. Wiped an entire years of data out. I pleaded with them for some assistance and they were incredulous at best. Yes, I should have backed up before I did the upgrade. Shame on me.
Another that I'm playing with right now that's also EXTREMELY powerful is called DevonThink. It's worth watching their intro video.
Then there's good ol' Evernote....
Doesn't matter what you use, buy one of these. Salux Nylon Japanese exfoliating bath towel
Hey you're definitely not alone out there in realizing these feelings and at 32.5 plenty of time to make a change. You may want to check out the book No More Mr. Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover. (https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339) While much of the focus of the book is on dating and relationships there's also lots of general life advice about how to improve yourself and disengage from the "people pleaser" mentality that many men were unwittingly trained to be as children.
Get a Financial Life: Personal Finance in Your Twenties and Thirties
by Beth Kobliner -- personal fiance for beginners written for people who don't like reading about personal finance ( not dry ).
Use the reddit search bar, there are subreddits on this topic like
As part of his MBA program, my friend recently took the “Clifton Strength Assessment” and on a whim I did I too and found it helped me put into words some of the things I knew I was good at but couldn’t articulate.
You esssentially take an online test with the code in the book, and it will recomend your top 5 strengths. I’ve become a believer that the key to success in a career is not to focus on shoring weaknesses, but rather doubling down on what your good at. The material is a bit gimmicky, but for $20 its not much of a loss And may help.
I don't have any concrete advice on the bullying part, but I'll recommend this book by Jocko Willink. I've heard a lot of positive reviews on the approach it takes on bullying by storytelling.
Yeah, considering I currently sweep and mop, getting a vacuum again will really help.
Not sure if links are allowed, but was looking into something like this
I am kinda big on journaling. I have a regular journal where I write teenager stuff and poetry, and I video journal.
What you are talking about is built into my planner. I have a weekly panda planner, and I record "I am grateful for" and " I am excited about" and "today's priorities in the morning. In the afternoon, I can record "today's wins" and "how I'll improve". There is some other stuff too.
It also has reflection pages and weekly review pages. That may be a better fit to what you are trying to do.
Edit: here is the link https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01IIK698K/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_vum.Fb0VQN1YV
I'd recommend getting started with a double edged kit. I also own a straight edge razor, but I only break that out for special occasions. The single blade replaceables & fixed single blade just take me much longer to shave with (got to be alot more careful!). The difference is the quality of the shave for me isn't terribly noticeable between double edged or single bladed.
You basically need something like this: https://www.amazon.com/Mens-Double-Edge-Razor-Shaving/dp/B00UZ5DJEY/ref=sr_1_13?dchild=1&keywords=double+edge+razor+set&qid=1603992296&sr=8-13
You can pick up the individual components for cheaper. All you really need are:
Prorasa for instance sells the soap in a plastic bowl so you don't have to buy a bowl. Otherwise you can get the bowl and brush for 20$. The bowl allows you to buy soap for like 3$ a bar (that lasts me 4-6 months.
Optional, but I recommend:
After that you can just buy a 100 pack of blades for about 10$, and soap for 10-15$. I bought about 300 blades on sale a few years ago and I'm still working through them. The soap I got 3 bars for 10$ is also going strong. As Dingletron stated the cost per save goes down to seriously around cents per time and you will get a closer, better shave than with those commercial single use cartridges. You just have higher up front costs. I actually go a little further with the aftershave and higher market moisterizers - the quality of the shave at the end is so much higher. I used to get terrible ingrown hairs that basically went away when I switched over to exclusively wet shaving.
Sure thing! Here's the toner I use:
Be sure to pick up some cotton pads to squirt the toner onto and rub onto your face. It's a pure liquid, so you can't just rub it on like the moisturizers and other stuff.
And as for serum, you'll probably want to spot test it. For straight up Vitamin C, try Melano CC. It's imported, but you can pick it up on amazon; it's covered in asian script (I think it's japanese).
The Game Changers
The Brainwashing Of My Dad
I recently read The Unwritten Rules of Professional Etiquette: Building a Positive Reputation in Graduate School, and it has an entire chapter dedicated to imposter syndrome (which is common in grad school, apparently), including some cognitive behavioral therapy exercises designed specifically to address imposter syndrome. I'd recommend the book just for that section, even if you're not a grad student.
I think that being assertive gets confused with being an asshole. Not all the time, but I've been called an asshole more than my fair share when standing up for myself. But they are plenty of times I was just an asshole (ahh, the joys of youth)
I used to be a Mr. nice Guy, hurting myself to please everyone else. I don't know what the change was, but one day I got sick of people using me and just stopped it. Started saying no, and seeing them get mad that the doormat stopped volunteering to get walked on pissed them off.
After that I kind of swung to the other side and said no to most everything on general principle. Thankfully, I mellowed out with experience and age and I'm working to find my middle ground.
I think aging, more life experience, having kids, losing family all added up and started my change. I finally found some really good books and made some friends that have been good influences.
One golden rule is "you cannot change any one, only they can change themselves". However you can, and should lead by example, be a good person yourself and give positive encouragement. Don't necessarily criticize negative behavior, but don't reward it, at best give "sandwich statements", meaning a positive then the criticism, then a wrap up positive statement.
Some good books for masculine self improvement are:
No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert Glover
When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manual Smith
Ego Is The Enemy by Ryan Holiday
Meditations by Marcus Aurelius
The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida
I haven't read it but it's on my list, Zen And The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig
Not sure if all this helps, but if you have any questions shoot me a message.
You seem to have a lot of unhelpful mental stories about yourself and how dating or not dating reflects on a person. Those stories also seem to take up a lot of energy and prevent you from living according to your values.
The truth is that someone without any relationship experience will go about dating exactly the same as someone who has experience. It's not like dating is a highly transferable skill where people who have dated a hundred people will have a clear upper hand over someone who has dated four. We are all fumbling, to one degree or another.
If you woke up with selective amnesia and would be unable to remember the lack of a relationship history or your intrusive thoughts about them, how would your approach to dating change? That's a thought experiment worth considering.
I think you would benefit both from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy and straight up dating advice. Seeing a therapist is often helpful. For self-help books, I recommend The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris and Models by Mark Manson.
How about a different sport? Maybe it's time to try a new one and rediscover the joy and fire in being a beginner.
Travel outside of the country in unfamiliar territory. It'll break down your anxieties and build up your maturity and ability to handle yourself when shit hits the fan. That's real confidence that you yourself will believe in.
/r/stoicism if you haven't seen it before. Meditations by Marcus Aurelius helped me figure out how to be more grounded in life.
Regarding interest from women - they say your age is just a number, but it's funny how I got a sudden uptick in interest from women when I hit 27. It felt completely out of the blue and I found it hilarious. I get that it's likely because more women take older guys more seriously, but it's such a seismic shift from the shitty early twenties (you're at the bottom of the totem pole right now for serious relationship candidates, but it only gets better from here on out). This is a total anecdote, but I've gotten similar feedback from male friends.
It's cliché, but leaving the comfort zone is what I wish I did more of. Everything else will follow: confidence, maturity, etc.
The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr. Burns is FANTASTIC reading. I used to buy copies just to give out to friends.
I don't know about current editions, but the editions I had ... about 45% of the book was the actual book part ... the other 55% were all kinds of info about medications and drugs, and I don't think I read any of that. So you might be paying for more book than you want.
See if you can borrow a copy from your library.
Right now, working on "The Lean Startup", which talks about applying lean manufacturing methodology to software start-ups. It's made me rethink a lot of the ways in doing things at work.
On deck is Nick Offerman's "Paddle Your Own Canoe". I've heard him on The Nerdist podcast a few times and laughed hard every time, so I figured the book would be entertaining.
Leatherstocking Tales by James Fenimore Cooper
-Last of the Mohicans is a great movie so I want to get into the prequels/sequels.
The Brothers Karamazov by Fyodor Dostoevsky
-The Idiot was fantastically tragic and a lot of people say this is even better.
Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
-I know bits and pieces of the story and it has a reputation as this untouchable epic.
Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance by Robert Pirsig
-Comes highly recommended by some insightful and successful people.
-Everyone needs a little anarchy, right? Also, Days of War Nights of Love was pretty inspiring.
Calm - Google Play
Calm - App Store
I used to live in a very small town that was lacking a proper haberdashery and was trying to find something slightly dressy for my 10th anniversary party. Well I stumbled across this exact hat at a local shop. At first I laughed at the absurdity of the "look" but after a second glance I decided I'm enough of a goofball to pull it off.
I got a ton of laughed out compliments on it and after the wife rolled the shit outta her eyes she happily accepted it.
Not to mention you live in florida so there's that too... unbutton an extra button on yer shirt, toss on a couple gold chains and just start referring to yourself as "The Captain!"
My old roommate's dad did exactly this and he was a boss motherfucker, he was hilarious
Whoah, that looks like fun, thanks! It's nice to know they are coming back in, I'll have to start paying attention to games again. The last game I played through was, believe it or not, Callahan's Crosstime Saloon.
I've been doing this for years with zero issues. I would suggest the following:
Have a written lease. Make it month-to-month. Get a security deposit from her that is 110% of her monthly rent.
Include all utilities for her. So $800/mo and that's it. Adjust it if needed, but have this clause in the lease.
Have house rules. Here are the ones I have been using for 20 years: https://www.scribd.com/doc/274183567/rental-rules
Get a home that is large enough that everyone has their own space. I recommend a two-story with 4-5 bedrooms, and bathrooms on each floor.
If possible, find something with separate entrances and two kitchens.
Remember one thing - they are paying you to clean up after them! The rules may state otherwise, but expect to have to do their dishes, take out the trash, and so forth.
Find a tenant screening service and check her background and credit.
Do NOT rent to her if she has ANY hint of ANY financial issues. You should charge her the FULL first months rent AND deposit before she can move in. If she says ANYTHING about needing time, lowering rent, whatever ... DON'T RENT TO HER.
Let me know if you have any questions. I've been doing this for 20 years (47m here, US).
This sounds almost identical to what my fiance and I are planning, although since we're both guys, we'll save on the dress expense. Our plan is to shell out for a good photographer and honeymoon, then scrimp on everything else.
OP, just a heads-up, Groupon has a really good deal on wedding invitations right now. It expires in 2 days, though, so you'd better hurry!
I guess it started with doubts, and fear, and rejection, and being lost. With having to face not only my limitations, but my not so pleasant sides. And the things I mustn't let out. And facing the possibility of being lonely, and letting go of myself and what I though was important.
The seeds were always there. The water that set them alive was probably a book. Since then, there's been hundreds more, by Jung and Campbell, by Dostoyevsky and Knausgård. By stoics, and existensialists, and religious leaders, and psychologists, and self-help gurus, and anything I could stumble upone.
The nourishment was a friend I met, who understood what nobody else did, who listened to what nobody else would. Who nodded where nods where needed, and who asked "why?" and "how?" until I could no longer hide behind my desctructive but comfortable notions of reality.
It ended with divorce.
I'm really happy to have most of it behind me. But I wouldn't want any of it undone. Every hardship that I have survived, which so far is all of them, have made me a richer and better person. There is meaning in them, in the sense that they can be made meaningful. And a person can endure anything, as long as she sees meaning in it.
>The way my work schedule was, I would fly over to WC for an average of 3 weeks a month, make some decent amount money and come back home to EC. While I'm home I'm not getting paid.
>Since June of this year, I flew to WC
It's like right there.
And yeah, I understand, being from NYC better than most about how this pandemic has affected peoples' ability to go out and be social. There are tons of ways to engage with the community outside of going to bars though. nextdoor.com, virtual volunteering, even engaging with people online within your area so you have some bonds once this all blows over.
Let's not make this as if once you're trapped at home you have 0 ability to engage with other. We're _literally_ doing this very thing right now.
Hmmm. https://www.wireshark.org/tools/oui-lookup.html will tell you the manufacturer of the NIC from the MAC. A little google fu from there will help determine if they make NIC's for the Xbox. It would be circumstantial though unless it explicitly says Xbox.
look into this:
I don't know if its this sort of progrmaing that you are looking for, but I believe these guys run a non profit that helps people learn new skills, so maybe you can organize your time and take a couple of hours per day to learn with them online. just an idea. I hope you can talk to your wife and negotiate a solution. with a bit of cooperation anything can be achieved. If you are not happy she should understand that and help. the feeling of getting up everyday and going to work a place that does not bring any kind of fulfillment is very depressing. Not good!
try to make her understand that if she was on your shoes she would be feeling exactly the same. so negotiation is the key. Find those couple of hours and go into deep focus mode, and little by little you will progress.
I read a story somewhere of a guy who was homeless and made it this way. He was begging near a IT office somewhere in a big city in the US, and this IT engineer took interest in his life story and so he taught the guy to code everyday for 2 hours after his work, bought him a laptop and everything. In 1 or 2 years the guy was no longer a homeless person.
gonna search for the story ...
I think there is a book you should read. " No more Mr. Nice guy"https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B004C438CW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_DCKKF38BBJ62D5E5TM1K .
Sounds like defining relationship boundaries is causing you some stress. This book has some great advice.
That bit you mentioned about your girl sounds like a problem a lot of us have, "covert contracts". Read that part of the book if nothing else, it will help.
I know you said you don’t want product; if you decide to give various products a try, I use this: Got2b Glued Styling Spiking Hair Glue, 6 Ounce (Count of 3) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DRRBD87/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_EQ6EK18YHK0M9J0ZJF6J
It only take a tiny bit to keep your hair down.
> I know I'm being an asshole
It really saddens me to see a fellow introvert convinced that they're an asshole for not wanting to socialize. Enjoying your alone time doesn't make you an asshole, and don't let anyone tell you different.
If you haven't read Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking, I highly recommend it. It'll change the way you see yourself and help you understand what you really need in order to be happy.