What are /r/NarcissisticAbuse's favorite Products & Services?

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>I really don't know what I am doing wrong. She makes me out to be a sex-crazed monster when all I want is to have an intimate moment with my partner.

You probably arent doing anything "wrong". Abusers know what you want and withhold that from you to gain a position of power and control over you. To make you change and behave how they want you to behave in order to get to the goal post, then they move the posts. Its part of how the cycle of abuse works. And why its more like brainwashing and conditioning.

You cant change her. You cant make her trauma better. The only person that can do that is her. She has to take responsibility and accountability for her actions. I would recommend that you read Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist. It can help you to understand the way she is treating you is because of her not because of your actions or choices. That you are being used as a punching bag for how she feels. And you cant make that stop. You cant control that. You cant fix her. Love does not fix people. They have to take responsibility for themselves. Its the only way that works. And it takes time. I know thats now what we want. And its not fair, really, that a victim has to go through this part too, but trauma has to be treated like any other condition.

So at the very least you can know he has a "Personality Disorder." Probably in the cluster B group. You or I are not experts in this so reading as much as we can is only meant to inform us of how serious this is.

I can see you care about his well being and are dealing with a lot of anxiety about it. Am I correct is assessing that he is much older then you? You say you are 18 and he reports being "nothing like this years ago." Being 18 means you are at higher risk of being manipulated by someone who is more self absorbed then someone like yourself. A lot of us on this sub report being sensitive people who care about others and feel their reported and displayed suffering strongly. Would that describe you?

My point is people go through years of training so they can learn how to help someone with a personality disorder and not get caught up in their intensity. I think that's about all you can do for him right now, is encourage him to get therapeutic help from a trained professional.

I would really like to hear that you are also getting some help and support in dealing with this. I encourage you to take good care of yourself. I heard something years ago and it really made a difference. It is never advised that a person jump in to help someone who is drowning because they will, in their panic, stand on your shoulders to catch a breath of air, drowning you in the process. This applies to this sort of situation. He might just take you down with him and you would be of no help to him then and you deserve to be nurtured and cared for. That's your job, to take care of and nurture yourself.

Of course he won’t! EVER the fact you’re on here now means you really know who he is and how toxic and sick he is in his head. We all fantasise that they will one day suddenly turn into the loving wonderful person we knew at the beginning (which was an absolute lie and we were being manipulated like crazy) ... it won’t happen.

Please read https://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Love-Lie-Narcissistic-Pathological-ebook/dp/B00D17093M/ref=nodl_

It will help.

I’m so sorry and stay strong. It’s taken me years to get over my nex but it’s cos I didn’t realise what was happening to me. Looks like you do so that will help so much! We are here for you. Big hugs ❤️xx

I noticed that every time I was away from the house for >24 hrs I was happier. I then realized that I dreaded coming home and whatnot and things fell in place in my mind. Got fed up and said I want a divorce.. shit hit the fan. Suicide threats, cops at my house a bunch of times, children's aid society involvement, hospitalization in the psych ward, she assaulted me at my workplace and ended up with a no contact order but she breached her conditions, ..

Then it clicked over time. All the little episodes that had happened in the previous 19 years. Tantrums here and there. I read that book and it opened my eyes even more: https://www.amazon.ca/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321 I was just a caretaker and was being abused by someone with BPD/NPD. I should have clued in when she told me "Watch out if you ever leave me, it will be like a tornado".

Sorry to hear about your situation with your NEX. It does take a long time to recover from being in a narcissistic relationship. For me personally, it took me over a year to fully heal and to regain my self-worth and self-confidence back. So don't worry about how much time it takes to heal.

For me personally, the best way I healed was having a strong no contact regime against my narcissist. Meaning I blocked the narcissist on phone & social media, changed my number, deleted all photos & memories of narcissist, did not speak with narcissist, and I no longer checked her social media. Your situation might be trickier in case you all have children and since you both were married. But try to avoid interacting with him as much as possible. The more you stay away from narcissist, the quicker you'll heal. Also try spending more time w/ people who genuinely care about you.

Remember the new supply won't be treated any better than you. They may get a temporary golden period, but they will be eventually subjected to the narcissist's controlling and abusive behavior. A narcissist has a lack of empathy for people and that include everyone.

With regards to dating, my personal advice would be to start dating when you've fully healed. That way you have a clear mind going into dates, etc. Here's a good book on red flags. https://www.amazon.com/Red-Flag-Warning-Narcissistic-Seduction-ebook/dp/B01DR1IINO.

Anyways, I hope this helps. I know it's hard, but you can get through it. Best of luck to you!

Read "Co-Dependent no more"by Melody Beattie while you look for a therapist. I suggest being nice to yourself. Sign up for a yoga class or a gym membership, go to the nail salon, visit your local library. Do the things you didn't have time to do before when you were wasting it all running around trying to prop up your sig other. Enjoy your alone time by getting to know you.

Doing these things really helped me. I have learned that I like me. In fact, it's really working out. I think I'm the one I've been looking for.

Welcome to the wonderful world of the narcissist then, I wish I could say the same about never being bullied. It took me decades to learn to disengage or stand up to my own mother (who was the worst bully in my life). Consider yourself lucky instead of challenged.

Now you need to be informed before choosing to engaged. Fortunately for you, a lot of people have struggled with this issue and a ton has been written about it. Go hit Amazon and search narcissist or borderline for more information.

This book is a good one for beginners and will let you understand BN's mindset: https://www.amazon.com/NARCISSISTS-SECRETS-Know-things-they-ebook/dp/B01ITFG65U/ref=cm_cr_arp_d_product_top?ie=UTF8#navbar

Good luck OP

Here is an interesting article about "mosting". I can see how someone who likes to most comes off as having narcissistic tendencies but it's not enough to classify them as a narc. I think watching for people who use a lot of flattery to manipulate people should always be a huge red flag. Thinking back both of my clinically diagnosed narcs used a ton of flattery when we first met. Sorry this happened to you! https://www.huffpost.com/entry/this-new-dating-trend-is-even-worse-than-ghosting_n_5aabfcf6e4b05b2217fe8495

Choose a handle and head to Wordpress.com. You can get a free blog with them. Good luck.

Make sure you post without your IP and in incognitio mode, so he can't track you on your computer.

Word of warning, they HATE being exposed. I know from experience. But FUCK HIM! I'll keep exposing him on here, changing my handles when I have to and sharing about him on my private FB account so my real life friends KNOW what is happening to me and can keep track of my safety.

ig = instagram

the is narcissist_recovery_podcast, there will be people going live tom night at 9p on the ig group where we ask each other questions and help each other etc.

i put the link below for the actual podcast for you to listen.

https://anchor.fm/everythingcassi

i also have plenty of other yt = youtube channels i have watched.

Get on Meetup.com and see if you can find a group in your area for loved ones of Ns - people like you who are in recovery from N abuse, and also people who are still stuck in N relationships and trying to find a way out. This has BY FAR been the most helpful to me in my own recovery - kind of like Alcoholics Anonymous but for Narc Abuse Survivors. The sense of community is wonderful, and the validation and support from people who really truly get what you've been through, is powerful.

You can find such groups by doing a search on Meetup for "narcissist" or "sociopath" or "borderline personality" or "BPD" or "psychopath." If a group doesn't already exist, start one yourself! Then you can control when it meets and where it meets. You mentioned not having a car, but it would be worth it to Uber to these Meetups. The one in my city meets usually every 2 or 3 weeks.

Letting yourself get too isolated is the absolute worst thing you can do when in recovery from a N relationship. Usually isolation is what makes you an easy target for them in the first place. I was in an isolated, unhappy, bored place in my life when I reconnected with my first N ex, who I dated many years ago in college.

You have to make it your first priority to get out of the house and mingle with people and feel connected with life. Staying stuck at home is a bad idea. Do whatever you have to do to get out of there. Move. Get a job. Lease a car. Whatever it takes. If your existing group of friends & family isn't coming to you, and isn't aware of what you're dealing with, then the next step is to to go out and meet new supportive people, and my best recommendation is Meetup.

I can't, I bought the Audio book by Dr. Ramani

Chapter 3 is where the test is at, it's long. it goes in describing what each of the items means, examples ect...

It's just a test, not a clinical one, some of the items are higher priority than others, mine took all the important traits and more (aka that's how she gets 26/30).

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Also use the test on myself... I'm definitely not the Narc in the relationship. If anything I'm a codependent (which in itself is really bad as well, and I need to work on it).

https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Surviving-Relationship-Narcissist/dp/168261333X/ref=pd_bxgy_2/144-3049262-7990440?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=168261333X&pd_rd_r=bc6b8cca-6c28-4f7b-83fb-46e243bcd01f&pd_rd_w=LRLhb&pd_rd_wg=luyTy&pf_rd_p=fd3ebcd0-c1a2-44cf-aba2-bbf4810b3732&pf_rd_r=9F9C8XP9ZSSZ6QZ04SND&psc=1&refRID=9F9C8XP9ZSSZ6QZ04SND

Yup. Positive coping tools. Exercise, rest well, eat well and sleep well. And enjoy the HELL outta sleeping in the middle of the bed. It rocks! I know you may think that 15 years is wasted, but its not. And not being in a relationship doesnt suck. You get to do what you want, when you want it, how you choose to do it. You dont have to worry about any of that. And you get to decide what path your life takes from this point forward. What did you miss out on? What would you really love that maybe you didnt know about before? What new is there to learn out there? Where can you take a painting class that you can drink girly drinks while painting? And just in case you were wondering, you can buy THESE for only $14.99 on amazon! Treat yo'self!

I have an android phone, so I record every call with Call Recorder Pro. I've set it up to save everything for 15 days, and automatically save every call from my Nex's number.

iPhone does not has as good an option because of the app structure

This book has lots of good advice about divorce from a sociopath/NPD: https://www.amazon.com/Conquering-Sociopath-Next-Door-Conscienceless/dp/0307589072

Tread carefully and good luck!

I want to add another point to social media:

*If your social media is being monitored by your narc, create a new email with an anonymous service like mail.com or protonmail.com with a new name and use that to create a new social media profile also under a new name. Tell your select friends (no flying monkeys) what that social profile name is so they know to read messages from you if you need to use it. Best would be to use your secret burner phone to do all of this with. Go to McDonald's or Starbucks and use their wifi, not at home, if possible.

Personally, I can tell you that trying to do things like this in the middle of the night while sobbing your eyes out in some parking lot somewhere is much, much harder. Prepping it now can be a great thing. And if you don't need to use it, even better.

It sounds like I'm being paranoid but knowing these things is part of my job and you never know what you learn might be the one thing you need.

Here you go. It can be a pretty intense and triggering read depending on your experience so use your discretion. This book was like discovering fire for me though.

He is extremely abusive. Someone who feels entitled to this level of controlling behavior and sadism is psychotic and dangerous.

Please read Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It might save your life. Also consider calling the National Domestic Violence Hotline.

I definitely recommend reading “The Gift of Fear: Survival Signs that Protect Us From Violence” by Gavin De Becker (free pdf online). Someone posted it in some comment here on Reddit and I read it in two days after a blow up with my ex best friend (narc) made me decide “never again”

I also found it important to notice how someone makes me feel. I feel like I’m in the first non-narc relationship I’ve had, and I know it’s good because he makes me feel better, not worse like my parents or ex best friend. Also, don’t trust people who can’t have an adult conversation about a problem without manipulating the argument and guilt tripping you.

You live with an abuser. And his abusive behaviour will increase. It's just the beginning. I hardly recommend you to read the book "Why does he does that? In the mind of angry controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft

You can read it online, here: https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf

It will be really enlightning, comforting, and empowering, but don't let him know that you are reading this book.

And please, trust the other advices, and don't ever have a child with that men.

There is nothing worse than have a child with an abusive men.

I was in the EXACT same position in March. What I did was start going to yoga classes and workshops - events where I was around people, but there was no pressure to socialize. Then I joined Meetup.com and started going to get togethers. It's tough! But if you put yourself out there, you'll meet people who will help you realize that you have power and worth.

The world is not fair, but you do have control over yourself and your own life.

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Are you getting any counseling for your depression? Making your own life better is the key thing right now, and for a lot of people it starts with counseling.

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Part of the challenge of ending a long relationship is that not only do you miss the person -- the whole structure of your life is changed because now you're a single person and not part of a couple. I found this rather disorienting when I first separated from my husband. Just simple routines like deciding what to do on the weekend are now different because you don't have someone else to make that decision with -- or maybe you never really got to make that decision before. It takes a little time to adapt to this change. But when you do get used to it, it is quite a nice feeling :)

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It helps to get out in the world a little more -- it doesn't have to be dating, of course, but volunteer for something in your community, or use meetup.com to make some new friends that you share an interest with. Depression makes us want to withdraw from social interaction but being around people actually helps.

Consider this book.

Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_em_api_glt_fabc_V746FNP4QX1P86973G0Y?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

YES! My domestic abuse counsellor literally just loaned me a book as homework haha. (I declined the loan and ordered it as I am a notorious book ruiner thanks to ADHD. I've already folded so many pages and made so many notes in the margins) Sorry, rambling.

It's called the Covert passive aggressive narcissist by Debbie Mirza. Link

I'm really getting on with it. I would also recommend Jackson MacKenzie in general as an author. Psychopath Free and also Whole Again.

Hope that's helpful.

Hey u/zattyzatty, I really recommend this webiste. Here you can find people trained for active listening that can help you cope with your problems. It has helped me, and I have volunteered a couple times there too. Also, feel free to DM! I am going to sleep in a while but I will be glad to listen to you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your kids.
I've heard of other people in similar situations have a court ordered intermediary (during custody proceedings)/parenting coordinator. Those are kind of UK-focused, I'm unsure of what they would be called in the US, etc, so I'm not sure what steps you have to take to have that done where you are. You should reach out to your lawyer or a legal support group and see if this is a possibility that could help you.
I hope you are able to work out explicit terms to communication regarding your children, no matter the custody outcome. Given your history with this person, you have your legal team advocate for you in regards to what is acceptable frequency of communication in the final custody arrangement. It should boil down to a sort of 'no communication if it isn't directly about the children and immediate medical needs' or similar. So he shouldn't be contacting you to switch days without notice, or mentioning anything that doesn't directly relate to the kids.
I wish I had more insight on this, but I've only been through it as the child, and this is the best I can recall.
I hope some weight is taken off your shoulders soon.

I completely agree with this. My ex NARC went to extremes. I had finally broken away from his grasp and got away from the him in November, in March, one of my parents died unexpectedly. He started calling with his condolences and well wishes. He wanted to attend the funeral. When I said no, the spotlight on himself was turned off. He proceeded to make up a story that an old friend of his from the Air Force has his wife t-boned in a car accident and may be paralyzed. He told anyone who would listen. He was actually jealous of the attention I was getting FOR LOSING A PARENT! How sick can you get? I called his bluff and contacted his Air Force buddy. The man had no idea what I was talking about. I figured my ex made it up. When you are a NARC, you can’t stand not being the victim and not being the center of attention. He started sending me text after text demonstrating his madness. He lost most of his friends that day for the lies and deceit. See the rant for yourself.SRantTBoneWife

I believe it was this one: https://castbox.fm/vb/131087302

Inner Integration Podcast, episode 19 or 20. I think. I listen to a lot of podcasts on this topic so hey them confused. Episode 20 is where she interviews Jackson Mackenzie (the author of Psychopath Free) about his new book Whole Again, which focuses more on the recovery than the narcissist themselves. He also did an awesome AMA in r/BPDlovedones in January. Either way the podcast is pretty good, the host also has a YouTube channel.

This is a great sub, it helps me to not feel so alone! These type of people are so convincing and manipulative. I fell for so much and at times have felt pretty "dumb" for it but realize why things played out the way they did. He got me good! He informed me today he is joining Match.com... good luck with that! I feel bad for the poor soul he preys on next. I want to warn them like his exes tried to do for me but I remember not listening so I hope they have the strength to figure it out on their own.

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The way this reads to me you've survived your situation and I give you huge praise! It's NOT easy! I totally get it! Thank you for your kind words <3

14 years. While in the midst of a very high conflict divorce, the divorce sub suggested Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and there are some tests where he aced with flying colors! It was so, so obvious in hindsight.

I don’t know about the PDF version. I have the physical version. I’ll drop the Amazon link here In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1935166301/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_3CZTZT6HFD0QJKKJKKA2

That’s the Amazon Canada. I’m sure it should also be in amazon us or other Amazon’s

Lol, no, not licensed yet. Still gotta crush the Bar Exam. But read this too

https://www.amazon.com/Gaslight-Effect-Survive-Manipulation-Control/dp/0767924460/

i really like it! it also has cute quotes on each page and you rate “how lovable” you’re feeling that day. this is the link to it on amazon. only $10! it’s called the Knock Knock I'm Lovable Mini Inner-Truth Journal https://www.amazon.com/dp/1601069928/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_2XFMYW6Y539ERYMFWWV5

And definitely read this https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

That book saved me, and many others.

>Now I am seeing this is how he gets his way, by talking and talking at me for hours on end. Yes.. the circular discussions that end up being about him, and him saying that if you were less controlling and had some empathy he wouldn't be like this..

I got into his car after 7 months no contact and a Country station was on. That was my lightbulb moment.
I had come to find out about Narcissism because about 3 months prior, we were in the middle of a VERY High conflict divorce and someone on the divorce sub mentioned Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder and based on the quiz and examples I realized he was a malignant narcissist. So by the time I had broken NC (huge mistake BTW) I knew about the mirroring and when I heard that music I realized he was mirroring his new supplies and when he was with me listened to my music, but nothing is ever truly him because he is an empty shell. It was a true lightbulb moment.

Dude . Check your Gmail and change password. She may have enabled filters, email forwards, ..

You also seek to justify her actions quite a bit... We've all been there but be careful. I highly recommend this book: https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama/dp/1442238321

Gut instincts are important to listen to. They are subconscious cues you pick up that have a visceral reaction in the form of 'gut instincts'.

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker is an important resource to have, and helps shed light on that gut feeling and why it is important. It has floated around in other forum posts, with much better breakdowns but I'll keep it bland.

• Amazon Link
• Online PDF for Free

She doesn’t sound like a true narcissist but somebody that has an avoidant attachment style. Also sounds like you have an anxious attachment style ( I also have this). I recommend reading the book Attached to learn more about yourself and it’ll help you for falling into relationships with women like her. The book explains how people with avoidant attachment style are hot and cold, push you away, and talk about their ex’s. Narcissists normally lack empathy and exploit people for their own gain. They see you as an object in their reality and not like a real person.

Also, you might want to consider a VPN so that he can't "see" what you're doing on the internet through your router. I use IVPN and really like it.

Do you use a password manager? I use 1Password and love it. It manages all my passwords and all of my 2FA TOTP codes. It's amazing. Highly recommend.

He used my/our NordVPN account to block the IP address. So he definitely knew what he was doing was not okay. I paid for the subscription, but idk if they’ll be able to help me with anything besides changing the password so he can’t use it anymore with signing up for his own account. Ugh. So freaking irritating. And the cops were so nonchalant about it. “Well he’ll deny it of course. So I mean I guess we could get a search warrant” —- AND the judge only put the PPO prohibiting him from posting shit online, but still allows him to be on the property and near me. Like okay... thanks for that. I’m really going to serve him when I have no protection from him coming over to the house to retaliate/confront me. I’m livid.

THIS would probably be a better way to link that monster link. But it is a good book.

My therapist recommended this Boundaries book (can get it on amazon pretty cheap) and it has been a really good read. They have expansions such as Boundaries in marriage, family and kids. I needed this after I was discarded and still would let my nex and his flying monkeys push my boundaries. boundaries book

Read “Attached. The New Science of Adult Attachment.” It addresses exactly what you experience. Practically in your exact words. I’m listening to the audiobook right now.

Amazon linkypoo: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep-Love-ebook/dp/B0049H9AVU/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1525026130&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=attached+the+new+science+of+adult+attachment

I really loved this book. Based on your post I think it could help a great deal: https://www.amazon.com/POWER-Surviving-Narcissistic-Collection-Narcissism/dp/1945796324/ref=nodl_ I like Shahida because she references a lot of books and most are based in real psychological abuse research. She talks about healing tactics as well and how trauma bonding works from a chemical standpoint. Give it a shot!

Yah, NC is the only way to go.

And I think you are close with the analogy to addiction. This book has been of great help to me, and it discussed how the neurological effects of a breakup are similar to drug withdrawal.

https://www.amazon.com/Exaholics-Breaking-Your-Addiction-Love/dp/145491825X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1478700917&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=exaholics

Yeah, the dreams are probably the worst part of what I'm going through right now. Not necessarily because of the images themselves, but because of the loneliness and the way I feel for the first few hours of the morning.

From what I've read the "withdrawal" analogy is very accurate. I've found that the book Exaholics that goes through some of the neurology of what we're going through.

https://www.amazon.com/Exaholics-Breaking-Your-Addiction-Love/dp/145491825X/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1477834905&amp;sr=8-1&amp;keywords=exaholics+breaking+your+addiction+to+an+ex+love

I recommend reading "A General Theory of Love" https://www.amazon.com/General-Theory-Love-Thomas-Lewis/dp/0375709223

One way to try to stop dating men is to try to figure out the dynamic and learn how to ID it early, and avoid those types of situations. But that doesn't change the fact that your status quo is to crave those situations that are unhealthy, but what you are most used to.

Another approach is to learn healthier attachment, to the point that what you want has fundamentally changed, and that the unhealthy patterns just don't do it for you any more.

The book I recommended is really great for getting an overview sense of how attachment works.

Then, trying to apply it to create situations where safe attachment can take place, and the other person(s) have a healthier, calmer limbic system than you. Therapy, healing friendships, healthy social situations--whatever situations can help "bring you up" to a more connected approach to the world.

Hi - Hope I'm not too late to the party:

"The Object of My Affection Is in My Reflection: Coping with Narcissists" - Rokelle Lerner

This covers:

• Explaining what narcissism is
• Dealing with it at home and in the workplace
• How narcissistic women tend to differ from narcissistic men
• How to deal with a narcissist in therapy
• Some strategies for surviving a narcissistic relationship

HTH.

This is an awesome book you should read. I personally think everyone should read it, because it covers every day life skills relating to personal safety.

I did a 1 year university course, and all the essay writing & going to class just caused the depression to lift quite a bit. It could be neuroplasticity,

Exercise, mindfulness training, positive psychology, behavioural therapy works. This book helped. You need to recognise the behaviour patterns.

Honestly any personality disorder is a road to disaster. They are very hard to treat.