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Good for you for finally opening up about a decade-old painful memory! That's not easy to do, but it will help immensely. I recently read Self Parenting: The Complete Guide to Your Inner Conversations by John K. Pollard. Your exercise above reminded me of the exercises I completed as part of that book. The book is very easy to read, and short. Basically it refers to your "Past Me" as your "Inner Child" who never received enough love and support, and your Current Me is the "Inner Parent" whose job it is now to parent and soothe your Inner Child. I recommend this book, especially if you found the exercise above helpful. It's been really helping me lately.
The Memory Palace: A Memoir by Mira Bartok.
The author's mother was schizophrenic, not BPD. But her parents were abusive Cluster Bs who terrorized the author and her sister, so there's that.
And /u/Princessspaceship, they actually compare this book to The Glass Castle in the Amazon summary!
>"but when I meet her she's so sweet."
She's a monster. You don't owe these two crazy women anything, not after what they've already done to you.
Do you have anywhere else you can stay for the summer? Working at a camp for kids as a volunteer might help you on your CV if you'd like to go into teaching.
I don't know if this is a legitimate site, but it was the first thing that came up on google, hope there are some summer jobs in there: http://www.indeed.com/q-Geologist-l-Alaska-jobs.html
Don't stay, don't walk, run.
I forgot to mention a book that really helped me and my husband with boundaries (and my husband isn't much of a reader of self-help literature). We each grew up with a PD parent, so we need help!
When to Say Yes, How to Say No To Take Control of Your Life https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=dp_ob_title_bk
It is Christian-based, which would automatically have made me reject the book (because I don't like Bible-thumping), but actually it totally changed my mind about the morals and ethics of setting boundaries. We must, say the authors, in order to grow personally and spiritually ourselves, and to make sure others are free to do the same. They say boundary-stompers must be stopped, and we must stop them.
It is great, I promise! I re-read it every time I feel guilty about my mother, which is a lot, and get a boost of confidence every time. I've had it on my bookshelf for at least a decade. The guilt and manipulation of a PD parent is fierce. This book's concepts is like garlic for that.
My husband and I liked their other book, "Safe People" just as much, but I don't find it on Amazon. It is here: https://www.barnesandnoble.com/p/safe-people-henry-cloud/1101957885/2679450583166?st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Catch-All,+Low_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP79700&gclid=EAIaIQobChMI16vy1rGc2gIVnkoNCh1REQo1EAQYAyABEgL5uPD_BwE
My husband read Safe People in one sitting and announced his mother wasn't a safe person, and immediately totally changed the way he relates to her--which saved our marriage and family. He LOVED the Biblical stuff because his mother used to use Christian values as a bludgeon whenever she wanted her way over everyone else's. This stopped that.
I have a great little workbook Surviving a Borderline Parent that I found on Amazon when I was looking at Understanding the Borderline Parent. That book was way too intense for where I'm at now, but the workbook is just about perfect. It walks through several areas discussing what many people experience growing up raised by a BPD parent, offering both explanation and suggested activities to explore your own experiences.
Yeah, BPD dad was never happy with gifts. And he always held gifts over our heads. But what bothers me the most is that Emom always used food and gifts as substitutes for providing a loving home. Dad would abuse us then mom would buy us some cheap made in China consumer crap that we didn't even want or need to make up for it. Stuff never made me happy. I actually try to go through my stuff every so often and donate what I don't use. If it isn't doing anything to make me happy, then there's no use in keeping it. Less clutter also means less to clean and store ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
If someone ever absolutely insists on getting you a Christmas gift, you can always buck tradition, say that you're not big on material things, and ask for a donation to your favorite charity. Username relevant, it just occurred to me that I could ask people to donate to the House Rabbit Society or the Humane Society in my name. And then they get a nifty receipt that lets them write it off on their taxes, so you don't "owe" them anything for it. I don't get excess junk I don't want, they get to give me a gift that makes me happy, money goes towards spaying and neutering abandoned bunnies.... win-win.
Edit: Prevent Child Abuse America got good ratings from Consumer Reports and other watchdogs. That sounds like something non-political that most people could get behind.
You sound like you're setting an excellent example for everyone in this thread. You admit your shortcomings and what your journey has been like, and still press forward in trying to better yourself while encouraging others to do the same. You're good people, I like you. If more people lived like you, the world would be a better place. I'm not surprised you're a fellow cat person cat on my chest right meow
There are many valid reasons to have children and many valid reasons to not have children. It's not a decision to be made lightly, or to be made without being fully committed or as a way to get something else. But I don't think fear should be the strongest deciding factor.
My favorite way of explaining parenthood is this article: https://www.huffpost.com/entry/dont-carpe-diem_n_1206346 specifically:
>I think parenting young children (and old ones, I've heard) is a little like climbing Mount Everest. Brave, adventurous souls try it because they've heard there's magic in the climb. They try because they believe that finishing, or even attempting the climb are impressive accomplishments. They try because during the climb, if they allow themselves to pause and lift their eyes and minds from the pain and drudgery, the views are breathtaking. They try because even though it hurts and it's hard, there are moments that make it worth the hard. These moments are so intense and unique that many people who reach the top start planning, almost immediately, to climb again. Even though any climber will tell you that most of the climb is treacherous, exhausting, killer. That they literally cried most of the way up.
>And so I think that if there were people stationed, say, every thirty feet along Mount Everest yelling to the climbers -- "ARE YOU ENJOYING YOURSELF!? IF NOT, YOU SHOULD BE! ONE DAY YOU'LL BE SORRY YOU DIDN'T!" TRUST US!! IT'LL BE OVER TOO SOON! CARPE DIEM!" -- those well-meaning, nostalgic cheerleaders might be physically thrown from the mountain.
Not everybody needs to climb Mount Everest. Not everybody needs to have children. But there's magic in the experience, if you look for it.
A synonym describing the behavior of a typical person with BPD/ sarcasm intended
adjective: Refusing to moderate a position, especially an extreme position; uncompromising.
adjective: Refusing to agree or come to an understanding; uncompromising; irreconcilable: used especially of some extreme political party.
adjective: Refusing compromise; uncompromising; inflexible; irreconcilable.
adjective: Unwilling to compromise or moderate a position; unreasonable; irreconcilable; stubborn.
adjective impervious to pleas, persuasion, requests, reason
It gets easier!
Therapy helps.
Books help. (Conquering shame and codependency, healing your aloneness are two I've liked a lot)
Podcasts are my favorite. I use an app called castbox. Anytime I'm feeling I need support around a particular struggle I key it into the search. Like "healing from emotional abuse". If you can think it, someone is talking about it, and it helps so much to hear just how unalone you are and hear different perspectives.
Yessssss! It's a family joke that, "Mom never says 'sorry'." I started to hear her say it to our son if she bumped him by mistake or something like that. But for the big deal stuff? No way!
>I was raised to say sorry all the time, although there were a couple years where she would yell at me for saying it insincerely, and mock me in a whiny voice saying “I’m soooorry”. So that was confusing and difficult to navigate.
I'm sorry that happened to you. That is really confusing!
I say 'sorry' a fair amount, especially when it's appropriate to my husband and kid, but I've also been working on not apologizing for existing. I read an article similar to this and it was an aha moment for me! 💜
I use and like Habitica because of the game vibe and because it's versatile for different types of habits. It's definitely helped me keep up with dishes and laundry better, my nemeses. Or could you two make a schedule/checklist/bingo card of maintenance tasks to keep in a shared area, or designate days?
I'm more like Husband than you; we had a Cinderella-esque household with uBPD mom starring as the evil mother and I can be either really avoidant or really neurotic with chores. She would rage after white-glove tests and I have those perfectionist fears too. I'm trying to change those behaviors as well. It's been beneficial to me to generally assign tasks to days and not be too strict with the timing or outcome, just aiming to be done and keep up. Ie, I try to get one room clean on Tuesday, do groceries and the kitchen on Thursday, do laundry Sunday...spreading it out to just 1-2 small things that I just need to fit in somewhere over the course of a day, and not penalizing myself for slipups or imperfect cleaning is helping me a lot. Especially because the standard of perfection is unreasonable-even my mother couldn't maintain a house at that level while working full time, she had two children to scream at for it and still hired someone from time to time! lol
> My favourite was about this brother and sister who ran away to live in a museum. I can't remember what it was called, but I loved it so much, the idea of just being away somewhere else.
From the Mixed-Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler.
I loved that one too! 😹
Having a recording is really important, congratulations! I secretly recorded my boundary setting conversation with my mom. I don’t know if the fact that I’m LC makes it easier or harder but it’s a “tea party” relationship; holidays, birthdays etc. My SO keeps me in line whenever my mom tries to get too close or tries to push boundaries. To the extent that I was doing the “...well I guess” routine at a family function and he jumped in and said emphatically, “No.” The important part is that he is on my side not my mothers. My younger sister, despite being a really close friend is not impartial and I have to live with the fact that she thinks I’m heartless and paranoid. It’s not her fault, she was raised in the same fucked up environment. My best advice would be to tell someone close to you what’s going on so they can reenforce your resolve. (I reviewed my audio recording with my SO) Abuse happens in the shadows and it can be embarrassing to admit to someone that you are a survivor. It’s totally normal to forget how bad it was as time passes but having someone to talk things over with who will remind you of the bad times when you get too sentimental.
You’re on your journey of healing. Continue working on yourself, read books, get a therapist, look out for #1. I like, Mother’s who can’t love: a healing guide for daughters. (Though I’m kind of assuming your gender here 😳)
Not a dude, but thought I'd pop in with a suggestion. Look up attachment theory - a good layman book is Attachment Amazon link
This taught me SO much about why I do certain things in relationships.
As an adult, I’ve read a LOT of books (autobiographies) about victims of child abuse, and this book was probably one of the more twisted and fascinating ones I read. As someone who works in healthcare, it’s something I (probably unnecessarily) consistently worry about.
I do. I use it to keep pots from boiling over. 👍🏻
I don't cook with it, though; those things harbor bacteria like crazy! 🙀
A few meta analyses found that there is a genetic component, I saw it referred to in one study as a "genetic vulnerability," but that means a potential correlation not a guaranteed connection. Nurture still plays a role.
>There have been a few twin studies of BPD, which have shown that 42 to 69 percent of the variance in BPD is caused by genetics. This means that 58 to 31 percent of the variance in BPD is caused by other factors, such as the environment.
This website looks meh, but I linked it because they were the only site that is unbiased, easy to read and mentions the environmental factors. Other sites like the Mayo clinic mention this, but skim over it, they're not as clear as this site is. 😉
Look, most mental issues have some genetic component. A simple example is two siblings in the same house, where one baby is easy going, relaxed, non-reactive, less anxious with strangers; but their sibling, maybe even a twin, was just the opposite of all this, you know? So I mean this in the sense that some people's genetic factors can be a component in their resiliency and capability to deal with stress. But it's one piece of the whole picture and just because there is a correlation, it doesn't mean it's the only cause or that it is guaranteed to happen.
Some pwBPD had perfectly stable, kind homes, so it's not just environmental. But this sub is proof that it's not just genetic either.
/u/oddbroad, if I misrepresented anything please do correct me!
Couldn't figure out why your mom made you feel so awful: MY GOD DONT I KNOW THIS FEELING. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0765703319/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_7L1aGbMTC2S80 Is this the book you mentioned above? Kinda pricey as paperback but I'd love to read it. Maybe the library has it.
I've been really enjoying this book, called "Running On Empty" and I'm very excited to go to the next book. I'm only about half way in, I've just had all the parenting types described to me and I'm pretty sure I've identified mine :).
You should read The Housekeeper's Diary by Wendy Berry. IIRC, the author even talks about that particular episode in the book!
And the behavior she writes about is textbook BPD.
Ah, I haven't read that book in ages.
If you like that, you'll love Tailchaser's Song by Tad Williams! It's like Watership Down, but with cats! 👍🏻
Maybe not exactly what you're looking for, but there absolutely is a book that can help you deal with BPDs. > Stop Walking on Eggshells has already helped nearly half a million people with friends and family members suffering from BPD understand this destructive disorder, set boundaries, and help their loved ones stop relying on dangerous BPD behaviors. This fully revised edition has been updated with the very latest BPD research and includes coping and communication skills you can use to stabilize your relationship with the BPD sufferer in your life. This compassionate guide will enable you to:
Make sense out of the chaos Stand up for yourself and assert your needs Defuse arguments and conflicts Protect yourself and others from violent behavior
In my experience with my mother, there was just no way to ever "hold them accountable", I.E. prove they did something wrong or harmful. She would either shut down, or more often fly off the handle in rage. But this book promises ways to de-escalate the situation, and I think that's the best you can hope for. My dad's read the book and said it helped him deal with the trauma, and I'm about to start reading it myself.
>Does anyone’s else’s BPD parent refuse to accept that their memory isn’t the actual version of events?
Absolutely. Yes, it's relatable; yes, it's noteworthy; yes, it's gaslighting; yes, most of us have been through it, and sorry you have to endure it.
>She’s also so stubborn in that her beliefs on other people can’t change. I said things when I was a 13 year old kid, and if I say something now that’s different to that (as a grown ass woman), she’ll always say ‘well you didn’t used to say/think that’
It's not that she doesn't understand that people can't change.
It's that she can't grasp that people are not equivalent to her mental model of them, which are, in any case, just slightly modified copies of her self.
When she see a mistmatch, she feels uneasy.
>"well you didn’t used to say/think that"
If I had a dollar for every time my uBPD mom said that, I'd be able to pay for her therapy with that. Often it is said to me a form of control whenever I try to establish boundaries.
Well, duh! I can't jump to your whims now as eagerly as when I was 16, didn't have to work a job, didn't have a partner, and was living with you, mom.
>She just frustrates me SO much that I dread talking to her.
Been there! Here's a trick that helps.
Read the book Stop walking on eggshells, and see how much what you frustrates you is literally just BPD.
Journal every, and I mean every conversation. If it's a phone call, type/write as you speak -- and document the BPD symptoms like the ones you just wrote about.
Instead of feeling attacked, I now feel like I'm playing a game of bingo - literally, check out the bingo sheet someone made.
Thanks for sharing. Everything you said is relatable.
If you would be open to it, I’d like to recommend that you read some of Pema Chodron’ books - she’s fantastic for helping people acknowledge and work through anger and fear.
Her book called When Things Fall Apart might resonate with you (not that things are falling apart for you). Or here’s a quick video on Getting Unstuck.
I’m not Buddhist, but I find that she has a great way of explaining techniques for dealing with difficult emotions really well.
Reading will help you understand that there are lots of different ways of dealing with life and the people you encounter. You are in control. You choose how to respond.
Good luck!!
Edited: forgot the book link. https://www.amazon.com/Rewire-Your-Anxious-Brain-Neuroscience-ebook/dp/B00QG5SW58/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1537210835&sr=8-1&keywords=rewiring+your+anxious+brain This book has some great exercises, it's helped me a lot and I highly recommend. Also just plain meditating. Research has shown it can shrink the amygdala by up to 30%! I use this app to help me meditate: https://www.headspace.com/headspace-meditation-app?__hstc=249974297.341d0a87cecde931187b544fed73e3bf.1536192003170.1536192003171.1536192003172.1&__hssc=249974297.2.1536192003173&__hsfp=2025384311
Think about it as self-compassion. It’s a muscle. Yours is weak but you can build it. Mindfulness meditation and books like Wherever You Go, There You Are helped me despite their cheesiness and how it feels impossible at the beginning. Don’t worry about results, just practice mindfulness. It teaches you how to find your own reality and trust yourself, exactly as you are, no judgment, no pressure.
Loving yourself starts with just accepting yourself and setting aside the negative self-thoughts each time they come up. Not repressing them, just noticing them and letting them go. Don’t try to force yourself to love who you are.
YMMV and all that, but it helped me when I needed it. Therapy too, of course.
> So I'm not allowing her any form of control over my car.
I think you are very wise! OMG! 😬
We have one of these. I'd suggest that you get her one, but she'd probably manage to ruin someone's/her own battery with it and then it would be all your fault.
So yeah.
I read another book based on Kristin's work.
https://www.amazon.com.br/Wasnt-Your-Fault-Childhood-Self-Compassion/dp/1626250995
This one is about shame and self compassion for trauma survivors. I found it very useful.
ACT is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy.
One of the biggest lessons is understanding that discomfort/uncomfortable feelings aren’t “bad” and that part of living a whole hearted life is allowing ourselves to experience those feelings. Accepting them.
It’s been helpful in a lot of ways.
As I’m NC, I was just trying to decide if the second book would be worth bumping up in my TBR pile. I’m not interested in trying to navigate a relationship with them (at the moment — they know what they need to do to have a relationship with me and refuse) so if the book is more focused on that, having a healthy relationship with emotionally immature people, I’m not at a point in my life where I’m entertaining that.
Hello! Everything you say makes perfect sense to me. I could have written it myself. I found recovery in Overeaters Anonymous, an self-help group based on Alcoholics Anonymous’ Twelve Step program. If you are a compulsive overeater, willpower, nutrition knowledge and self knowledge won’t work to stop the cravings, binging and other disordered behavior. Below is a link to a book I recommend to learn more. When I first read it, I felt like someone must have been following me around! I thought I was the only one who ate like I ate and felt like I felt. If you are in the US, you might find the book in your local library. Or, to investigate OA further, you could go to OA.org to read more and find a meeting. I attend an OA meeting based on the AA Big Book at 10 pm every night US EST. Reply to me here if you want the number. I’ve been in OA for almost twenty years and maintained a seventy pound weight loss for most of that time. Currently I’m clawing my way back from a twenty pound weight gain caused by a two-year slo-mo relapse exacerbated by the pandemic.
Don’t be concerned when you read that the 12 Steps are a spiritual program. The goal of the program is the repair “the hole in the soul” that we try to fill with our addictive substances and behaviors. Attending meetings will help you do this with our without any belief system. Nobody needs to believe in God to participate. Atheists are welcome.
Read The Housekeeper's Diary: Charles and Diana Before the Breakup by Wendy Berry. The rages and splitting she describes are textbook BPD.
And oh boy did she ever parentify William. 😒
Setting boundaries is all about taking care of your needs.
For example, you decide you don't want to be yelled at.
You can't change anyone else . You can change how you react to poor behavior.
So you then decide in advance what behaviors you will do if someone yells at you or is likely to yell. You might decide to give them one warning and then leave / hang up, or you might just leave without any warnings with the thinnest of excuses (I have to go walk my neighbors goldfish).
It's like an emergency plan for snow in a place where it snows a lot. You know it's likely to snow, so you prepare for that.
Setting good boundaries is about reclaiming your own power and taking care of yourself.
There's a really great book, Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab. She explains it much better. I initially borrowed it from my town library but chose to buy it.
Amazon link: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08LMSS439/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_XMBGJAJXD5W79BF82SMK
Not a website, but this podcast on borderline relatives and partners nails it, especially the specific effects of having a borderline parent. Hope it helps.
I actually asked the IT guys if there were cameras in that section and there werent. You will hop again. With ALOT of trepidation also... I lost alot of muscle on my through and THAT freaked me out. It's muscle. I don't lift weights. How the heck. But it did with just regular walking. Just stick to your PT and do stuff at home not just at PT.
This thing was amazing! I kept a rotation with 12 water bottles. I could fit 6 frozen solid water bottles.
Ossur Cold Rush Compact Therapy Machine System with Knee Pad- Ergonomic, Adjustable Wrap Pad Included- Quiet, Lightweight and Strong Cryotherapy Freeze Kit Pump
What a horrible thing to do to you! I think you’re right on when it comes to at least some connection between trauma and physical/health issues. There is this book called “The Body Keeps the Score” about just that and it’s really interesting!
https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748
FEEL YOU.
The fucking WORST.
Every word they speak to each other is mildly antagonistic or provocative. Every. Word.
It’s like being surrounded by a toxic cloud 24/6/365. In the winter months it was super hard to get any space.
My Dad is a collapsed narcissist, meaning he has zero mask anymore and is just outwardly petulant and shameless.
He sits on the couch with his gut out playing computer games 14 hours a day and his new habit is to chew with his MOUTH OPEN, smacking his lips like a fucking zombie cow.
It’s a free white noise generator with tons of free sounds. You can customize the different frequencies and sounds to drown out any bullshit sound in your environment. It’s made by one dude who travels the world recording sounds. ❤️
Sorry if my vent stole your thunder. 😂 My intention was to validate what you’re experiencing by sharing my own experiences in vivid detail.
I hope you’re able to get through this isolation period with your sanity intact. 🙏🏻
By recollection it was rather tame. Lots of longing looks and heaving bosoms.
Haha, I’ve just found it on Amazon!
https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0758202547/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_HDJ0XDZAN2W0XY16BCPY
> I wish the book wasn’t so expensive so that more people could access it.
Your experiences are very relatable. I have found CBT techniques very helpful. (I use the audible version of this 3-4 times per week) https://www.thegreatcourses.com/courses/cognitive-behavioral-therapy-techniques-for-retraining-your-brain.html
I also have found the Enneagram very helpful, my uBPD mum is a 1, and I am a 9.
Might I recommend encrypting your therapy journals, and storing them on something life a flash drive?
https://www.veracrypt.fr/en/Home.html
You can create something called deniable encryption where you have two passwords on a drive. The dummy password and the real one which both will open the drive, but to different contents.
If you're ever forced to unlock it, just unlock it with the dummy password, and it will show harmless contents.
Mathematically guaranteed privacy.
Absolutely! It's called From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker and it's a staple in the CPTSD community from my understanding. It was a little triggering, but it was my first exposure to CPTSD apart from a couple high-level articles I had read prior. I actually figured out my mom had BPD because he mentions several times "narcissistic and borderline parents" and I finally Googled "borderline parents." Didn't take me long to figure out that my step-father mostly likely has NPD and my mother absolutely has BPD.
It's taken me a number of weeks to get through it (still have about 3 chapters left) and I had to put it down for a couple weeks because grieving my childhood rocked me for a number of weeks. If anything the book was extremely validating. I also identify with the OCD spectrum. My therapist mentioned that in our second or third session, "obsessive compulsive tendencies" which originally seemed linked to my biological father being an alcoholic along with my mother and step-father being functioning alcoholics most of my life. But I think the OCD tendencies are linked to CPTSD as it's what I do when I'm anxious. I mainly obsessively clean my apartment or tinker with things until it's perfect, everything has a spot and must be in its spot, I have to fold laundry a very specific way, etc*.* I also pick at my cuticles until their bloody stumps which is an OCD habit from what I've read.
You can buy the audiobook for $26 or the Kindle edition for $50.
Link to the book on Amazon if anyone is interested. I’m still at the beginning where it just lays out explanations of all the symptoms and traits, but I highly recommend it.
Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Ann Lawson was a big breakthrough resource to help me understand BPD and my mother's specific [undiagnosed] personality "type". Here's a quick breakdown of those types.
I don't know why the book is so expensive in print now, but the Amazon link also has a link to Audible and you should be able to get a free trial to listen to it.
Hope this helps and things get better!
If you're on Android, your file manager should let you unzip the file. Most Android phones have a file manager built in, if you search through your apps for "files" or "my files" or something like that.
If you don't have one built in, you can use download "Files by Google":
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.google.android.apps.nbu.files
Saving is good! And saving and planning will help you feel less trapped/cornered.
Do you still feel OK with Christianity? If yes, I have a book to recommend that changed my life and that of my husband (he was religiously abused growing up, just like you): Boundaries, by Cloud and Townsend. I like all their books, but this is the best one to get started. Don’t leave it where your mother can find it. It quotes the Bible back at abusers and so she would HATE it.
Edit: it’s a very short book. You could read it in a few hours. https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-When-Take-Control-Your/dp/0310247454
>It’s like all BPD parents rely on the same “mess your child up” textbook
I bought several copies of this book. It is so accurate.
So am I!
Not quite the same thing, but have you read The Catswold Portal?
>One thing I never understood is getting mad when I didn't like same food than her. For example I asked that I could cut slice of bread for myself because I like thicker slices than she, and then it's suddenly few hours fight over me having different taste than her.
It's both about control and you differentiating yourself from her idea of herself. There are some really good examples of this in this book
OMG my son does this! I've always told him he's allowed to do things alone when he wants, but the requirement is that he must tell at least one adult before he goes. He asked me how would people that he didn't tell, know that it was his private time, if he didn't tell them? We came up with the idea of getting him one of these to put on his doorknob (he and I found it on Amazon). So whenever he wants alone time now, he tells someone that he's going to whichever room he'd prefer (his bedroom, his playroom, the bathroom, whatever), and he takes his little doorknob sign with him and puts it on the door behind him. The rules are that he's not allowed to turn on water, or climb on anything, and he must answer verbally if he's called or if someone knocks.
I also taught him pretty early on that while his penis isn't anything to be embarrassed about, he should only play with it whenever he is in private as well. I'm not sure if you've got male children, but they really like playing with their little penises - and from a very early age (this is my second son, but both sons started playing with their penis by about 8mos). They really get those things going, too! My youngest is still five, and has been pulling it straight out from his body so far that I thought he was going to rip it straight off! So we've worked out that he's not allowed to stick his hands down his pants unless he's having alone time (or in the shower/whatever where there aren't people possibly watching him because it's good own personal thing and he doesn't share it unless it's with me or Daddy or the doctor), and we don't struggle with him taking his diaper off to play with it, or sticking his hands down his pants while I'm grocery shopping since he was 2!
Welcome! I'm so glad you found us! And thanks for that sweet haiku! 💗
> A lot of times I feel like I was happier in just about every conceivable way before we made this decision. At the same time I love the baby so much that I feel like I’m going to explode because I don’t have room in my body for so much love. Feeling both of those things more or less at the same time is so confusing and I feel like a terrible person for thinking so often that I wish I hadn’t agreed to this.
You might be interested in All Joy and No Fun: The Paradox of Modern Parenthood by Jennifer Senior.
I wish I had better advice, but all of my kids have four feet and purr!
Welcome home!
hugs
> Another poster suggested putting an additional cover over your window— I second that, even if it’s draping a sheet over the window. If you don’t have a lock on your door, then see if you can order a door stopper from Amazon and use it to wedge your door shut.
OP could get some one way mirror film from Amazon for cheap. It lets light in, but it won’t let anyone see into the room from outside when it’s daytime. It’s marketed as a way to keep the heat down in your house so maybe they could spin it that way.
For the lock, they have a ton of portable door locks for traveling on Amazon as well. Doorstops can work, but if you have a cheap interior door and mom has a habit of Kramer-ing into OP’s room it may not work very well. Interior doors have enough flex that sometimes a doorstop just stops the bottom and they can still open the top half of the door like 3 inches or so. I used a doorstop to mess with my boyfriend and he was still able to get the door open enough to “Here’s Johnny!” me at the top, haha.
Welcome! I'm so glad you found us!
My mother also spend lots of time in bed/sleeping. And she loved her Valium. ��
> I still am not 100% which categories I'd put her in (waif ,witch, queen), but I still don't know a whole lot, so if you guys have any good books/articles/anything that you would recommend to help me learn more about this disorder, I would greatly appreciate it!
The book that really did it for me was Understanding The Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson. As I was reading it, I was thinking, "OMG, this woman wrote a whole book about my mother!".
> The little I know so far is really helping me to peice together my childhood, so I'm excited to learn as much as I can.
I definitely know that feeling; a total lightbulb moment! ��
Welcome home!
hugs
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Thanks! ����
Just wanted to add. You are wonderful just the way you are. You deserve to be around someone as a friend or partner that makes you see more of the value in you, not cause you to question yourself! If you have a parent with BPD you have spent too much life familiar with a false you that is wrapped up in shame and self-criticism. You deserve to get to know the real you (alive, free, full of love for yourself and the right others) that is just waiting to get out once it is safe enough. You deserve to surround yourself by safe people who make this possible. This is a great book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/Healing-Child-Within-Discovery-Dysfunctional/dp/0932194400
This is very common for those with toxic childhoods.
I'm going to suggest a book that helped me a great deal. Attached. It details the three main attachment styles, and what attachment is, and why's it's important. The only flaw in the book is that it ignores the fourth style - disorganized, which is common among abused kids (where the caregiver we're wired to go to when scared is the one scaring us). Disorganized basically means you bounce between the various styles as needed. I've not found a good layman's book for that, as this is getting into heavy-duty psychology territory. A decent therapist is usually required to heal that.
If you're wanting to check if this is relevant to you - they have a quiz to get you started. quiz link
There's a really good book out there for relationships, called The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. Even if you aren't married, it's basically relationships 101. For those of us raised in toxic families, we had no model for healthy relationships. I know I made some rotten mistakes over the years, because of it. But I found this book very helpful, and it's written in very approachable language. You can get right into immediately.
Of course I don't mind! I just finished Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem. I highly recommend that one. It has exercises throughout the book that I'm finding extremely helpful . I just started Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship. This one is pricey but it seems to be a favorite for a lot of people. I'm only at the beginning, but I think it's going to be really good.
You might find this book helpful. It definitely was for me in coming to accept and begin to process my mother's disorder.
> I'm sorry... it happens to us all now and then. Treat yourself to something... we all deserve a little of that now and then, too.
I just got an air fryer yesterday, and I was looking forward to making fried chicken and Jo Jo Potatoes (it's an Ohio thing). I've never made either of those things before, and I was so excited.
Now I'm so bummed out that I don't even want to bother. And it's so fucking stupid, because it's an online quiz about a fictional universe! I guess it just triggered all of my feelings of worthlessness, inadequacy, and incompetence. ��
Yes, this is a very common occurrence when you begin therapy. You're digging into the places that hurt, like a wound long closed but not healed. You need to open the wound to get the festering parts out, and that is painful and anxiety making.
Maybe you can ask your therapist to help you find another therapist who is in-network? When I started my therapy journey, I had two or sometimes three sessions a week. That only lasted for two or three months, but that initial work was very intensive and necessary.
Also, you may want to ask your therapist if some medication might help. It doesn't have to be forever. I took an SRSI when I was initially diagnosed with what we thought was OCD, but turned out to be C-PTSD and an anxiety disorder. I took it for a year and it did help during that initial period. After that, I didn't need it any longer. Today I take an anxiety medication only as needed.
Also, have you ever tried meditation? I've recently been reading Radical Acceptance, which is written by a woman who is a PHD therapist and a Buddhist meditation teacher. She has some great guided meditations in the book that might help until you can find more resources.
https://www.amazon.com/Radical-Acceptance-Embracing-Heart-Buddha/dp/0553380990
But overall, your fears are reasonable. Your body is reacting as its been programmed. But you can reprogram it to respond in a more healthy way. Listen to your body and try to be as gentle with yourself as you can. Hang in there, and keep us updated!
Sorry that youve been through all that. This book was given to me by a therapist earlier this year. It explains the different types of BPD mothers, how they effect children differently.
http://www.amazon.com/Understanding-Borderline-Mother-Unpredictable-Relationship/dp/0765703319