What are /r/raisedbynarcissists' favorite Products & Services?

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She knows what she's doing. I was just reading Healing from Hidden Abuse yesterday, and the author says that survivors need to get beyond that nagging doubt that abusers don't know or are "dumb" about their involvement. It's too easy to stay attached to them because there's that hope that they'll understand. When you think about how much effort it takes to be duplicitous, backstabbing, triangulating, etc... the author points out that this is not the work of someone dumb!

Even if she is just a flying monkey / golden child, her participation is necessary to keep the narcissist's work afloat. She won't understand. I'm saying this as someone who tried to get my siblings to see the light for three and half decades. It only got worse with time.

An example from my life... would be overhearing my narcissist father telling my sister on the phone that "we all know what she's like" (referring to me) and "she's been on a long decline and needs therapy" or apparently telling my brother behind my back that I "need therapy." Is it any wonder that my enabler brother and golden-child sister take his side?

That is a very fast and nasty escalation -- and one that could have put you in more danger of being attacked by someone else.

Please be sure to let your boss know about this right away. As you said, you can't prove it was her, but is is pretty likely that it was. It would be wise to change your schedule. Given that your boss has already had to report your Nmonster to the police, your boss will likely want to help you do that. It would also be good to get a picture of your Nmom to the appropriate security folks at work so that they know the miscreant when they see her.

Given this incident, you would be wise to consider getting more protections for yourself in place.

You may also find this book useful The Gift of Fear.

Please take this escalation seriously and get your protections in place. One of the things that happens with ACONs is that our "Normal Meters" get broken and / or seriously skewed by decades of mistreatment by our NParents. Your buddy is freaked out for a reason. The other posters here are scared for you for a reason. If your nmom has escalated this fast and this maliciously, things aren't likely to quiet down.

Sending hugs (if you want them).

Edit: word

Here's a lovely quote that has informed my thoughts on this:

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

What your parents are doing to you is wrong. This is medical neglect at the very least. But since I don't know the particulars about the law where you live, I will only offer advice for coping until you can move out.

Does anyone else change your bedding and do you have any cash of your own? If no one else messes with your bed and you have some cash, I suggest sneaking in an allergen-blocking mattress cover. Wear a dust mask, vacuum the mattress as much as possible, and put the cover on, it should help.

For the chair, try using a clean towel or throwing a large t-shirt over it to wick away the moisture.

Please give me and my husband a shot at editing it first, for FREE.

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We've published several books on Amazon (an example: https://www.amazon.com/How-Leave-Your-Family-Origin/dp/1463707290/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=how+to+leave+your+family+of+origin&qid=1550694070&s=books&sr=1-1-catcorr)

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We're on your side, because we've taken in several abused teenagers the SECOND they turned 18. We also understand the rules of written English.

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Good luck!

Omg. That’s hilarious. Ahh it would be so great if you could counter with another prominently displayed book with an accusatory title.

Something like this maybe? https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

Blenheim Ginger Ale Hot, 12 Ounce (12 Glass Bottles) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00TET0MYW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_aZF7BbPXGPYKP

There's a liquor store near me that carries it, but it looks like Amazon sells it too.

Something like this might be helpful to you, unless you think it'll cause her to escalate. Ripping the door open like that is sexually abusive, though. You have a right to your privacy.

You can bypass it easily by removing all permissions from the app after it's installed. No root required.

The app installs itself as a "Device Administrator" and you can simply remove it there too.

https://www.torproject.org/projects/torbrowser.html.en - Open away. The connection is routed through Tor, so you'll look like you're in the middle of Europe, or Kansas, or California, or Singapore. Wherever the exit node is.

You can easily find a cheap one at Walmart in the kitchen utensils aisle. Calibrate it before use by sticking it in a cup full of water and ice. If the dial doesn't say 32F/0C then adjust it (instructions to do this should be on/in the packaging).

Look at the stem of the thermometer. There will be a little dimple or something on it - that's where the sensor is. To use the thermometer properly, make sure to stick the stem into the thickest part of the meat, making sure the sensor is as close to halfway in as possible. This will ensure you have the most accurate reading.

Different meats require different cooking temperatures. There should be a list on the little cover that you store the thermometer in. And speaking of the cover, most have a little metal loop on the outside of them (depending on what type you get, mine looks like this: https://www.walmart.com/ip/Taylor-Instant-Read-Thermometer/16543483), that's so you can stick your thermometer stem into it and hold onto the cover as you check the meat temperature while keep your hands out of danger.

Source: I used to be a manager at a fast food place and was required to take product temperatures every day for quality/safety monitoring.

P.S. Best of luck at your new cooking adventures!

> I would probably be cut off financially

Assume you get no inheritance. You need to become financially independent.

> she mocked me

You parents are behaving like 5yos. There's an old form of therapy called "transactional analysis", and sometimes there is a role reversal where parents are uncontrollable and the kids make the sane decisions.

> within which my parents have removed me from his call list and tried to separate us as much as possible

"If you can't control the person, control the narrative". You must control the narrative. Talk to you brother and see if you can talk to the staff at the psych hospital.

> I can only help myself. I didn’t raise my voice once in therapy. I didn’t say anything mean or hurtful. I simply explained why I felt like I had needed to block my mom even though she knew why and I didn’t owe her an explanation. And she cried and denied everything the entire time.

Perfect response.

> I’m hurting her

> The doctor clearly had no intention of helping me since I wasn’t the one paying

What sort of quack is this doctor? Psychologist or psychiatrist?

Narcissists got to therapy for narcissistic supply, to control the therapist, and be called the victim. Its an opportunity to humiliate you then gloat about it.

> My family has so much money to support me and my brother

No, its a fund to support their perverted abuse addiction. They don't care about you or your brother, they get high from seeing you suffer. Here's how it works:

https://imgur.com/5p70qCf

> Wish me luck

Good luck!. You need it.

> I have tried to help him and get him away from them

The only person you can help is your brother and he seems brainwashed for the moment and deprogramming can take years. You need to get on your feet financially. See if you can offer your brother accommodation ASAP.

That's shady as hell. I was just reading new job paperwork yesterday, and it specified that if a customer asks for personal info about a coworker, get a manager. But remember, HR is not on your side, they're on the company's side.

At this point, between HR being screwy and your clear need for a protective order, you might want to get legal guidance. University law schools usually have free law clinics, or your area might also have a low-income legal access clinic. Try calling your county's court clerk office; since they have to handle lots of low-income divorces, they usually know about local legal aid options.

My bed can be put together and taken apart in less than 15 minutes. It's this one from amazon. My coffee table of sorts that I use as a desk can be carried out as it isn't heavy. My bookshelf on the other hand, might take a bit more time, so I'll probably take it apart the day before.

Other than that is my clothes, books, folder with my legal documents, and a fan. Don't really have much.

They have some probably not as good quality cane (but better than nothing at this point) for 13 on amazon if you can somehow get on there. Since she keeps breaking your canes I wouldn't get anything expensive if you can tolerate a cheaper cane. If you have a student email, you can get prime for free for 6 months and get it shipped to an amazon locker (usually at a local gas station) in 1-2 days for free. I'm so sorry for what you are going through, that is awful. I also found this site for a free white cane that might be worth a try that allows you to request one every six months.

I buy the plain white "commercial" grade towels and washcloths in multi-packs, that way I can use a new washcloth every day and a new body towel every 2-3 days. On laundry day, I take all the towels for the household and bleach the everlovin' shit out of them.(Hint: they're more absorbent if you don't use fabric softener)As someone whose mother treated towels as some sort of rare item that were hard to replace, I take great joy in having a full linen cupboard.

First thing: just basically do the opposite of what your parents did. :D

Seriously though, that's basically the gist of it. My parents were completely irresponsible. Mother was a total narcissist, and my father was not really qualified to be one. I only learned from them what not to do.

Also read as much as you can on the internet. There are tons of blogs and stuff about child-raising theories. Don't treat anything like the gospel, but it should give you ideas as to what is "normal".

I especially recommend this (hilarious) book you can get on Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Traumatize-Your-Children-Deliberately/dp/1601063091/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1487707694&sr=8-1&keywords=how+to+traumatize+your+children

Basically this is your opportunity to treat your kids the way you wish your parents had treated you. I had a truly horrible mother (with whom I am no-contact), and now have 3 young girls who appear to be growing up very well adjusted. As long as you are aware that it was your parents, not you, who were at fault then you are on the right path to avoid being like them.

I just wanted to recommend this book I recently read that helped me a lot. Might help you too, if your parents were abusive narcissists that made you feel like this article describes. Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self

“Genuine love is rarely an emotional space where needs are instantly gratified. To know love we have to invest time and commitment...'dreaming that love will save us, solve all our problems or provide a steady state of bliss or security only keeps us stuck in wishful fantasy, undermining the real power of the love -- which is to transform us.' Many people want love to function like a drug, giving them an immediate and sustained high. They want to do nothing, just passively receive the good feeling.” ― Bell Hooks

Brilliant idea!

EDIT: Not as good, but also good: http://rejectionline.com/ Rejection Online

Some funny ones here: http://www.makeuseof.com/tag/7-prank-phone-numbers-to-hand-a-bad-date-at-the-end-of-the-night/

"Quiet" is a great one, and I linked this one:

https://www.amazon.com/How-Be-Introvert-Extrovert-World/dp/1925786242/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=books+on+introverts&qid=1625096434&sr=8-6

That's truly awful- get one of those tourist doorstops that you can put on the inside of the door. Those can't be picked. Fuck 'not allowed'!

https://www.amazon.com/DoorJammer-Portable-Security-Personal-Protection/dp/B00N95IVSQ

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

:-)

Oh boy. If you were still in contact with her, it would be hilarious to get her a 23andMe packet as a gift. They sequence your genome enough to break your exact ancestry down. Really fascinating stuff for regular people, but potentially so entertaining in this situation.

My advice - report EVERYTHING. Write out a long description (like this one) detailing the things he's done, the abuse he's committed. All of this about him stalking you is very important, too. Go to the police, get that restraining order. Check out this website below ("Your testimony" is really the only evidence you need to file a restraining order; yours will DEFINITELY be sufficient). https://www.quora.com/What-proof-do-you-need-to-get-a-restraining-order-against-someone

I'm glad someone's bringing it up here. From what I've read about the situation (including her suicide note, TW of course on that) this girl didn't feel an ounce of love or acceptance from her parents. Then they misgender her and deny that they bullied her to death. If they're not Ns, they're something equally disgusting.

http://hackaday.com/2016/08/31/working-for-elon-musk/

I don't get the impression he expects any more from his employees than he expects from himself, but I don't get the impression he's got employees who want to work there for their whole career. It's not sustainable.

Being easily-pleased is, in my opinion, one of the more positive side-effects of being abused by an Nparent. Possibly the only positive side-effect. If that's possible.

In today's world, a lot of people might find it really strange that you become ecstatically happy at something like finding a yellow day planner, but you know what? Such joy in small things is something that is getting increasingly rare these days. A lot of people are very materialistic, and can't seem to articulate that sort of experience. A lot of people go to therapy, go to groups, go to subs like these, or spend large quantities of money trying to find the sort of happiness we feel when we find a yellow day planner, or see flowers growing, or when we sit down and have a slice of chocolate pie. We're just happy to be there. We don't need a big new something-or-other to be satisfied, and when we get the big new something-or-other when we want to treat ourselves, we're satisfied with it. We can experience extreme objective happiness. It's not a bad thing.

https://medium.com/the-nib/the-meaning-of-all-human-life-3d63ebea2b2d

We're excruciatingly happy with just one piece of candy. We don't need two. We know what it's like to go through life with none.

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1528297791&sr=8-1&keywords=adult+children+of+emotionally+immature+parents

Highly recommended.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

Last Thanksgiving & Christmas my SO and I played "Family Bingo". Mark off a square when family does something cliche or rudely expected.

I'm sure a narcissist bingo card could be made and played just to pass the time. Edit: I found the "Breeder Bingo" SO & I played.

Oh, the tales I could tell. There's a reason I don't like birthdays (which is why I'm also trying to work out what to say to https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/comments/2ansd3/please_i_dont_want_another_birthday_make_it_go/ ) because every time I asked for something I would end up with something that wasn't what I wanted but was close enough to it so that I couldn't get what I really wanted without it being a waste and if I complained I was being ungrateful.

I came across this book recently and wanted to share it with everyone: it’s called “your turn for care“ and is about dealing with aging narcissist parents.

https://www.amazon.com/Your-turn-care-Surviving-adults/dp/1478274182

I have read One of Laura Brown’s other books ( “not the price of admission“ ) and it was excellent and incredibly helpful for my ACON self.

So I did a post online a while back about how to hide stuff from parents, and here's some of the stuff I included. There are a variety of hidey objects on Amazon. This hair brush safe is a good example. Or this dictionary. You can also use air vents- remove the front plate of the air vent, and you can hide stuff. You can also use a cereal box. Eat half of the cereal, lift up the plastic bag of cereal, and put your wallet in the box. Then put the cereal back on top. You can do a similar thing with your trash bin in your room, as long as you remember to keep it partly full. (Not too full that the N may empty it, but also not so empty that you can see something in the bottom.) Just keep the trash in a bag in the bin, and have your wallet in the actual bin underneath the trash in the bag. You can also buy a cheap vase and flowers from the dollar store, put your wallet inside, then cover the top with easter grass so anyone looking inside can't tell what's in it. You'll want a vase that isn't see-through, but you can always paint it if you can't find one.

I wonder if I should make a post on this subreddit about this, but I'm not sure if people would find it helpful.

You'll be fine

They would have to specifically remove you from the plan.

Speaking as someone who has been in a similar situation? Moving out could wind up improving your health thanks to a lot of stress being taken off you. You're 23 and you can't move forward if they force you to stay still because of your illness and use it as an excuse to infantalize you.

Other comments have good suggestions about documenting what you can and seeing if you have a case for a restraining order. I would certainly do that if you can. But it sounds like you need a totally clean slate and a do-over.

This is a big wipe and you don't have to do all of it but considering how far she goes to go ruin you, I would seriously consider it. These steps are not necessarily in consecutive order.

1. Erase your current internet identity. https://www.wikihow.com/Delete-Yourself-from-the-Internet

2. Change your name. Since she's already wrecked your reputation under your given name/business name, you shouldn't take a hit from just legally changing your name entirely. HOWEVER, keep in mind that you typically have to publish your name change in a newspaper. You'll need to do some research to find out how to avoid that bit (may depend on your state and if you have already filed paperwork for a restraining order, that should help).

3. If possible, move to a new state. This may not happen for several years but jeez. Sleeping with your landlord? Be ready for eviction based on her previous behavior. I'm sorry to say.

4. If you can move to a new state very soon, change your name there.

5. Here are the steps to legally change your identity completely so she shouldn't be able to find you: https://www.wikihow.com/Change-Your-Identity

6. Unfortunately, the hardest part is that you will not be able to post any of your current artwork online again under a new name. Using reverse image search, she could find your old artwork under your new name, which defeats the purpose. However, you can still sell it at fairs or in person obviously, but you should be ultra careful to keep it offline.

I wish you all the best in shaking loose this boa constrictor.

I would strongly recommend this cookbook from Test Kitchen. I found it and am absolutely in love with it. Every recipe I have made from it has been restaurant quality and I had 0 knowledge about cooking prior. It's also made for "2" so the portion sizes are just right and even if you don't have a 2nd person, it can just be a 2nd portion for tomorrow's lunch or something, you know? What I love specifically about it too, is that it literally explains EVERYTHING. How to cut each vegetable properly, lots of pictures, explains what brands to look for and why. It also tells you which appliance is best and they test each recipe something like 200 different ways before deciding on the best one so they all taste delicious and are the best/easiest way to achieve that flavor. If they deviate from the norm, they explain why. It's really cool and easy to follow for a complete noob/beginner and has taught me so much about cooking that I am completely grateful. I implore you to try it or even hit the "look inside" button on this link because it shows you a preview and you'll see exactly what I mean. Good luck and have fun! :)

https://www.amazon.com/Complete-Cooking-Two-Cookbook-Gift/dp/1945256060/ref=sr_1_3?keywords=test+kitchen+cookbook&qid=1563026602&s=gateway&sr=8-3

I'm reading this great book Mothers who can't love by Susan Forward, I'm only a few chapters in but it has been very enlightening. Even though I know my mother is an N, and I've been NC for a few years now, it's just so helpful to fill in the other little gaps. Like what others who have moms like this feel, that the patterns I experienced throughout my life are typical.

This is one of those details. According to Forward, unlying, this N behaviour is a sense of profound emptiness they don't know how to meet their own needs. A lot of Nrents use their children to fulfill their needs which is why there are many ACONs who believe they had good parents until puberty, because their kids couldn't fulfill their needs anymore they naturally started to develop their own. The same thing is happening as Ns age they start to lose the tools used to hide their N-ness like looks or attraction or their careers.

At the end of the day, you can’t help people that don’t want to help themselves. I would suggest having a dedicated conversation regarding this. Lay out all of your concerns, and back it up with texts/resources. Some are available through this sub. I also highly recommend this book.

Talk with her about it calmly and respectfully. Let her know what is non-negotiable for you. Do you even want any interaction with her mother? Are you worried that she’ll attempt to financially abuse you too, via your gf?

Cover your ass. I would say that if gf does remotely anything to help/assist/enable her Nmom to abuse you too should be the bare minimum line that can’t be crossed.

Thank you for reaching out. I've started reading Parental Alienation Syndrome - breaking the ties that bind. (https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0393705196?ie=UTF8&tag=msccomputersy-20&linkCode=as2&camp=1789&creative=9325&creativeASIN=0393705196)

The bad mouthing and forcing you to reject the other parent, it's insidious damage.

I used to have no support system either. And that's tough. My heart is with you. Are you in therapy or counseling? I've seen therapists for 8+ years. Only the past two years, therapy with someone who knows their stuff when it comes to neglect and abuse, have been really helpful. What I'm saying is, keep looking. There are good therapists out there. But you gotta weed through the mediocre ones first.... :/

Just FYI - there are stealth toys.

eyebrow wriggle

Stay strong, grey rock like crazy, save on the down-low and enjoy your freedom when you can get out.

If you want to break the habit, find the trigger. If you find yourself slipping, figure out why, really sit down and analyze what creates your pattern for behavior and find a support group of parents or survivors of this kind of abuse. Groups of people work wonders for support, you've all been there, some of you might have ideas the others have never thought of. Gives you an outlet and sympathetic ear.

Most importantly, you can handle this. You have this. I believe in you, because I'm in the same boat. My son is 16 days old, my daughter 2 and a half. My child is so loved by strangers that it blows my mind. She's so filled with love and life. I have no doubt you feel similarly for your child. You just have to believe, to truly devote yourself to the highest good you can envision yourself being. If you make yourself healthy and remain mindful of your child, they'll pick up on your habits.

If you would like to better understand how to change your pattern of thinking, I highly recommend the book; "The Power of Habit."

Yep. I could even point to the year, month, day, hour, minute, and say "HERE - here lies the end, and here marks the beginning." Seriously. The line is that clear in my life.

The best analogy I've ever encountered came from the book Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, by Robert Pirsig. In it, he describes his true experiences of surviving electroshock therapy, and simply waking up after the fact with no real sense of who he was or how he got in the hospital, while his unconscious feverishly scrambled to put together a coherent memory backstory.. none of which actually happened. The rest of his story is about "his" (current narrator) relationship with "Phaedrus" (what he calls his original personality), who now he discovers bit by bit in the recollections of people who knew Phaedrus before and who don't understand that they're now dealing with an entirely different person. The narrator meanwhile does his best to play the role of a chastised and reformed Phaedrus, fearful that if he says the wrong thing or steps off the wrong line, he'll be reinstitutionalized.

The catch in the story is that the Phaedrus personality (the narrator's actual authentic self) is starting to reemerge, and that scares the hell out of the narrator, because the obsessions of Phaedrus got him into the ECT situation in the first place. He's been playing both sides against the middle, and now the middle is rapidly vanishing from under him.

I can relate there. No ECT in my life or anything like it, but I did experience an intense episode and things were very different after that. A year simply vanished from my life. Then I spent a long time working to reassemble what I could from "his" life, like an archaeological dig. One day I simply woke up as a different man, living in someone else's life, and had to get on with it.

I know it sounds weird. It was weird. But it happened, and so I do get it.

Oh, I just received a reply from you: “Several of you have asked to see the post I would like to use. Here is a link to the working document (pdf). https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B_jM1FPk53yFRmd4WE1MMlRsREU/edit?usp=sharing”

Unfortunately, this link only works if /u/gnomestories grants individual access to each person who wants to read it…via Google email. Which means /u/gnomestories will then also have your personal email address as well as your entire reddit history. No bueno. So I created a throwaway Gmail account in order to obtain access for those of us interested…unfortunately, /u/gnomestories hasn’t gotten back to me yet with a link that actually WORKS so that we can all see what she is planning to illegally use in her book. If someone can get screenshots or a link direct to the “working document” in Google Drive (her words), it would be great if you could post it here, so we can all ensure that she is not using our stories without our consent.

Furthermore, /u/gnomestories, you will need to remove my name AND all of my comments, threads, stories, words, etc from your files. I am currently on hold with my lawyer,* who will be advising me; based on the information you have provided already, and what is listed in your personal reddit history, you won’t be too difficult to locate in order to facilitate litigation.

And finally, my comment is 1,895 words long. Sorry, but I won’t be paying you your “$5-per-1,000-words fee” to read it for me.

This rather famous (is somewhat eccentric) electronic designer has built such a device.

the_bob_widlar_hassler_circuit

He installed it in his office at his high-tech company. If someone came into his office and started yelling, the circuit would squawk out a high-pitched distorted version of the yelling. Then after a moment the circuit would stop squawking and wait for the next yell. Bob Widlar said that after he installed this device, he successfully conditioned a number of people to stop yelling at him in his office.

He's only two, so not a ton of deep revelations but: He seems viscerally terrified of unexpected loud sounds. They shake him to the core. I remember experiencing loud sounds as a kid and feeling my stomach drop out and I guess a near panic attack.

He's standoffish and cuddly at the same time. Like me. I'm very physical and intimate with my boys and wife but in general I'm not what you'd call a "friendly" person.

> am I doing this because this just is who I turned out to be, or is this mostly due to abuse?

Basically, I've found cPTSD to cover all my maladaptions. This book is very helpful in identifying those maladaptions: https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=cptsd&qid=1573065436&sr=8-1

The Feeling Good Handbook has a similar philosophy, that you can learn to change your thoughts and actions to change how you feel about the things that happen to you. I'm on a real self-help drive at the moment!

I'm sorry to have to ask this, but what state are you in?

If you don't want to say, even over PM, try googling [your state] + low-cost medical coverage and see what comes up. You can also look for information at https://www.healthcare.gov/get-coverage/ ... but I honestly have no idea how useful the site is.

Unfortunately, your options will vary WILDLY by state. I tried to find insurance for a friend in FL, and was pretty horrified at her near-total lack of options--she's unemployed, and every plan I could easily find STILL wanted her to pay $225 a month. Guess I'm spoiled... I'm in CA, and Medi-Cal is surprisingly awesome. I pay nothing--not for my doctors' visits, not for my prescription psychiatric medication, or basically anything. (Although dentist co-pays are all of $1.)

Literal Translation: καὶ (and so) ποιήσας (making) φραγέλλιον (a flagellum) ἐκ (from out of) σχοινίων (cord) πάντας (all men) ἐξέβαλεν (he threw) ἐκ (from out of) τοῦ (the) ἱεροῦ (place of sacrafice) τά (with) τε (both) πρόβατα (cattle*) καὶ (and) τοὺς (the) βόας (oxen), καὶ (and) τῶν (the) κολλυβιστῶν (money-changers) ἐξέχεεν (poured out) τὰ (with) κέρματα (coins) καὶ (and) τὰς (the) τραπέζας (tables) ἀνέστρεψεν (were turned over).

To make it flow a bit better: "And so, making a flagellum out of cord, he threw all the men from out of the place of sacrifice with both cattle and the oxen. And the money-changers poured out with coins and the tables were turned over."

No the verse doesn't explicitly say he used the whip on the people. The verse also doesn't explicitly say he was wearing clothing at the time. The subject of the verse is the men and not the animals. The whip appears to be related to the action (throwing out) as an method phrase and the animals as an instrument phrase, both seem to be there to provide more detail to "he threw all the men from out of the place of sacrifice".

*Note in Ancient Greek "πρόβατα" can refer to any animal that is driven forward in a group.

I always thought of it more like chess. There are certain situations in chess where any attempt to improve your position will accomplish little more than giving your opponent more to work with, which can set off a chain reaction. So in the article series linked above, GM Serper suggest "the art of doing nothing".

"Try not to make your position worse, and more importantly not to make it better."

Or, in the words of Sun Tzu:

"If you wait by the river long enough, the bodies of your enemies will float by."

In this sense, I feel that OP's description of this as a victory is entirely appropriate. Of course, with Ns (especially emotional vampires) "the bodies of your enemies" will usually consist of them getting furious that you're not giving them their fix, which is a pretty bad result. But sometimes less so than the options, barring LC/NC.

Harassing phone calls are unnecesary.

If you have an android phone use this app

If you have an Iphone, follow this steps.

Keep focus and enjoy Freedom, NC and Healing... Welcome to the club.

Was your dad David Bradley? XD

http://www.geekwire.com/2013/rest-story-controlaltdelete-inventor-expect-command-widely/

*edit for clarity: I'm not trying to dig for actual identifying info. I'm just making the joke that the history of ctrl-alt-del is well known. It's also not an awesome thing to brag about because it's considered a goof because it's an inefficient keystroke command for such a commonly needed function.

Way to set some boundaries, both of you! I'm glad your sister realized how ridiculous it was, or felt more confident when you validated her initial feelings about it. Bravo.

Pretty sure it's talked about in this book, but yeah it's a thing. Young children naturally have no separation from their caregivers so they can and do fulfil the needs of the narc. When children start having their own needs they can't (and really never should have) fulfil the needs of the narc parent. But they can't be discarded so you get the weird good parent/bad parent flip.

Are you an only child? Because I am, and so I was both the Golden Child and the Scapegoat with my Nmom. I too have good memories of my mom doing things with me, but now I question if she did those things to make herself look good or because she wanted someone to tag along, not because she was doing anything nice for me. And despite what good memories I have, all of the bad outweighs it now, so I cut her out. I don’t hate my mom, but I really don’t like her and it’s much better for my well being to have her cut out of my life. It’s so hard reconciling good memories with how she really is, and I had a hard time coming to terms with the fact I don’t have a loving mom because everyone wants to have a loving, supportive mom, but my life is better without her in it. I recommend reading ‘Will I Ever be Good Enough?’, a book written by a psychologist about women with narcissistic moms. https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436

As someone who had to leave home at 17 as a result of my abusive NMom and had to speak to CPS (they didn't do anything because I was 2 months from turning 18 and the rep I spoke to waa super clear that they were just following protocol to interview me and that it would take longer than those two months to even get my case reviewed), I recommend you look up if your state is a "one-party consent" state. That means that you don't need the second party's (your mother's) consent to use a recording of her in a court of law. If you suspect your mom is about to say anything damning, I advise you turn the recording app on your phone (or download a free one if your phone doesn't have it) and put the phone in your pocket to capture what she's saying.

I'm not sure how much it will help, but if she says anything explicitly illegal or proving that she's a danger to your health, I'd like to think they'll be more inclined to take action. Be sure to email copies of those things to yourself and back them up multiple places like you are with your images. I'm not sure if it's also on iPhone, but you can use the ACR Phone Call Recording App to record your phone calls automatically. They're saved to the cloud and can be downloaded directly. Helped me so much in a recently legal case; People love to not think when they're speaking on the phone...

All in all, as someone who has been through it, it will be okay. I can already tell you're an extremely resourceful person seeking help online and making a plan. Please, please be safe and keep us updated.

Replying to Divergent2000's advice, here are a few VPNs you should use if you are planning on using them. They work for me, at a school that blocks everything, and all of them are free.

CyberGhost VPN, on the google chrome store

BetterNet, from App store or chrome store

PP vpn, at the google chrome store. Just a heads up, but it only gives you 30min access per day.

In the process of separating your life from his, one big thing to watch out for is shared assets. The big one is usually jointly owned bank accounts but phone plans, health insurance, and other things can all fall into this category and be weaponized against you by your Ndad. Investigate anything you have even slight reason to think might jointly be in your name and his and, if possible, end it and set up an independent version under your name alone. This is EXTRA critical with bank accounts and other financials because an N with access to them can use it to spy on you, track your movements based on spending, make fraudulent purchases, freeze your assets or straight-up steal from you. I'm speaking from experience here.

There will be a lot to figure out over the coming days, weeks, and months, but take it one step at a time. Treat it like a chess game and try to anticipate your Ndad's moves based on what you know of him. Do an ongoing mental survey of your life for assets and liabilities; know where you stand and where you're vulnerable to the fullest extent you reasonably can. And if you haven't already, consider giving Sun Tzu's The Art of War a read -- it's a very short book with a lot of depth that can help bigtime in figuring out how to N-proof your post-escape life.

Best of luck.

Congratulations, you are an ACON. You receive the golden acorn award.

You double-screwed her because $100 is the premium, "cash back" membership. Your spending made her money.

http://www.costco.com/join-costco.html

>Annual 2% Reward and More

>Executive Membership is our highest level of membership. All Executive Members enjoy a 2% Reward (up to $750 per year) on most Costco purchases, as well as additional benefits and greater discounts on our suite of services.

People know. You seem like you aren't paying attention and are looking for a sun-shiny quick-fix answer.

The book How to do the work goes over a ton of activities, but you have to actually do them. Over and over again.

"Polyvagal theory in therapy" by Deb Dana also goes over how to "do the work" on your nervous system.

Yoga is doing the work. Meditation is doing the work. Journaling is doing the work. Somatic modalities are doing the work. EMDR is doing the work. Internal family systems is doing the work. Infra slow fluctuation neurofeedback is doing the work. Genogram mapping is doing the work. Grieving is doing the work.

You have to do it every day. Every fucking day and it fucking sucks. The work fucking sucks because you have to do it all the fucking time. And it isn't fucking fair. And that's the shitty reality of healing from trauma.

I feel you! I have family a lot like this. I am not exactly sure if they are narcissists, but there is definitely a lot of emotional immaturity. The lack of just understanding emotions makes meaningful relationships and conversations really hard. Also, they just don't understand sarcasm whatsoever. I just ordered this book after reading about it in another post, maybe it sounds interesting to you, too https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Emotionally-Immature-Parents/dp/1626251703

Her name is Lindsay Gibson and she is awesome! Her son is a Redditor and sent my thanks to her and she wrote the sweetest response to me! I wish she was my (mom) therapist!

It once hit me that I wasn't at home and could come and go from my house at whatever time I pleased.

I'm currently reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl, a survivor of Auswich, and he spends a chapter describing the feeling that he and the prisoners had when they stepped outside the gates of their camp, liberated, for the first time. They didn't shout for joy. They were not pleased. They wondered if it was a dream, and waited a couple of days before they realized that the liberation was REAL. Each prisoner has a different story on how he realized that he was truly free-- but none of the prisoners realized it on the day of liberation.

When I read that I remembered the first month living by myself-- I didn't know if I was ALLOWED to go outside at 3 in the morning, if I was ALLOWED to just leave the apartment and not have to ask permission. It felt weird. But after a while it just turned amazing and I went on a run next to the beach at 3am.

It gets worse. Parents and exes everywhere are already installing apps that allow them to remotely record calls made, drop in on any calls in progress, and activate the video camera. Sure, it might be highly illegal in your state, but that'll be of little comfort to you once your parents, ex, or spouse decide to act on that information.

I'll actively counteract your title, though; whereas a kid in the 80s or 90s had to make plans to be able to get to call 911, cell phones are incredibly useful if you're at risk of physical harm; in the 90s, it was pure science fiction to have a camera, video camera, audio recorder, and wireless device just there.

But particularly if someone you live with is a risk to you, your cell phone should be protected - or it'll be turned against you.

Congratulations, you are an ACON. You receive the golden acorn award.

As far as keeping a private journal goes, I would have really benefited from having today's technology when I was growing up. I would install TAILS Linux on a USB flash drive so I could leave no trace of what I did on whatever computer I used. There would be nothing for my parents to scrutinize.

For anyone who still lives with their narc family, I recommend doing just that. Even as a minor, you deserve your privacy.

Hey, the same thing happened to me... at one point when I was about 14 almost 15 I realized that I was bigger and marginally stronger than my mom so I was able to brute force her out of my room. Soon after I purchased a Hotel Door Lock for like 15 bucks and was able to lock her out of my room. After months of pushback she finally let up. I am 16 now and I am having no issues with that particular problem, its very important to remember to lock your door every night though.

I love that podcast! It's my support group. ;) This is the amazon link to the book: https://www.amazon.com/Silently-Seduced-Parents-Children-Partners/dp/0757315879/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1522978196&sr=8-1&keywords=silently+seduced

It sounds like you had to live in constant torment, constant fear. That does a number on the body and mind, for sure. Your peacefulness in experiencing life has been robbed from you, no doubt. But it's your life to take back and ultimately experience and enjoy with vitality. You can get there... it isn't over! It can't be. Not on your watch.

You could read into mindfulness and living in the moment. It might sound cliche, but it could make a huge difference to give your energy only to the present. It does for me, but YRMV. I recommend "The Miracle of Mindfulness" by Thich Nhiit Hanh, a beautiful and succinct book, free pdf below.

http://terebess.hu/zen/mesterek/Thich%20Nhat%20Hanh%20-%20The%20Miracle%20of%20Mindfulness.pdf

You only have the moment. There is something terrifying yet freeing about that, IMO.

The energy you describe remind me of the Daoist Treasure of "Jing" , which I recently learned of and find interesting. If you are into that sort of thing, you might find it interesting to read about, too. Basically... nurture your energy that you have. Nurture yourself compassionately.

ETA an anecdote for B Complex vitamin use. Not a doctor.

I really really burnt myself out a couple year ago. Totally depleted to the point of not being able to have my office light on because it hurt my eyes and terrible angular chelitus developed in the corners of my mouth. I found that I may be lacking in a couple vitamins, namely the B vitamins which deal with the nervous system. Took them, felt better, cleared my mouth, felt a lot better, won't go without them.

There's a book you might be interested in that's kind of trendy/faddish now, but it's all about breaking the habit of keeping stuff because you "should": The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up by Marie Kondo. Her basic method is to get rid of everything that doesn't "spark joy," which sounds kooky but is actually pretty eye-opening and empowering. My wife and I have discarded five lawn bags of clothing, 200 books, and about 10 storage crates/bins of miscellaneous stuff in the past week. It feels amazing, and we're both really enjoying only seeing things we actually like or genuinely need in our house.

http://www.dictionary.com/browse/only

Definition 1, not 2.

I think it's pretty obvious from the content of the post that the OP is NOT trying to minimize emotional abuse. His whole point is in fact the exact opposite of that.

I don't know what email system you use but I would suggest setting up a rule in your email account that forwards all email from her to a new, separate, email account. Then you can look at her emails if and when you want to.

Check out IFTTT.com (If This Then That) a site that lets you build what they call applets to mix different functions from different apps on your phone. You can build your own or use one of the pre-built ones. I know that that have an applet to autotransfer gmail from one account to another.

https://ifttt.com/applets/111675p-when-i-receive-an-email-from-someone-forward-it-to-someone-else

http://www.bleepingcomputer.com/forums/t/354660/computer-comes-in-contact-with-water-while-unplugged-still-safe/

I would suggest turning it off and unplugging it when you're not actually sitting at your computer. Also, if you can put the CPU someplace harder to reach, like back under your desk, where it's harder to damage. That way she might get the monitor or keyboard but not the whole thing.

Good luck.

That'll be news to Mark Twain.

http://www.openculture.com/2013/03/mark_twain_wrote_the_first_book_ever_written_with_a_typewriter.html

http://circadianoesis.blogspot.com/2006/03/tom-sawyer-was-not-first-typewritten.html

Have you considered using something like Virtualbox? You could run a virtual machine and install some free Operating system on it like a linux distro (ubuntu maybe), where you could do your private web browsing, then you can shut the virtual machine down when your doing other stuff. Unless your mom knows all about computers she probably wouldn't be able to even access the operating system let alone snoop through your stuff.

See Alice Miller's For Your Own Good: Hidden Cruelty in Child-Rearing and the roots of violence and poisonous pedagogy

"I am sorry that you don't want to "interact" with me." "I am very sad that you have decided that I don't deserve your compassion and understanding."

Let me reword this―maybe this will help you not think so hard on it.

"I'm sorry for what YOU did. I'm very sad that YOU decided to ～oh so cruelly～ take me from your life. Like us on Facebook. The PayPal link is at the top of the page. You know, the big yellow button that's a thousand pixels in height and half that in width?"

I have a few issues communicating (I know that word problems were Satan's vibrator for me), so I always find it nice to try to boil the message down to its core. Don't forget―you must not apologize for your own well being.

The Narcissistic Family: Diagnosis and Treatment by Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman (Author) and Robert M. Pressman (Author) is excellent.

I found it recommended in this subreddit, here, (maybe it was also mentioned more recently.)

It has great reviews on Amazon, and I found it enlightening and useful.

Buy a cheap voice recorder (if they take your phone). They go for $20 at Amazon. Record what they are saying, make a safe copy in the cloud at school.

Then sit down with them and play that back. Sometimes people listening to their own voice realize the abuse.

If it does not work, bring it up at school. They will get police involved right away, I promise you.

There will be an investigation and they will have to go through the whole ordeal, which will take months. The case will likely be dismissed as it's the first time but it will be painful for them.

After that, I really doubt they will be willing to face the law again.

So you can prove a point to an N? I think you might be the only one! :)

Long story time so hold on.

A man named Eugene Sledge became a Marine during WWII and was sent to the Pacific. He saw combat continuously which means he saw his buddies die and he killed other other human beings. He became resentful and eventually hated the Japaneese for continuing to bring the fight despite them being slaughtered by the thousands. He wanted them to just stop coming so he wouldnt have to kill anymore. When he went home, his hatred continued and he spent decades filled with spiteful hate. Oddly, all that rage never did a thing to ease his pain. He finally realized that while he was home seething, his enemy was likely just going on a camp out or visiting friends or somehow otherwise just enjoying their lives while he was miserable. It became a turning point in his life. He chose to not engage his misery any longer. Obviously easier said then done as it took him decades but perhaps just knowing you have to power to make that choice at some point will help you get there sooner rather then later.

"With the Old Guard" by Eugene Sledge.

Also, consider reading "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl. It is the story of a concentration camp survivor and how his philosophy helped him survive his experience and find meaning in life after. The gist is, man must will meaning into their life regardless of circumstance. Again, easier said then then done but, it can be done.

tl:dr - read some books, they can help

I sometimes wonder if my abusers will ever find what I have shared here. I am anonymous here, but the details in my stories are enough to out me to them or anyone who knows those stories. My family of origin, if they found them, so what? Those things happened. And this identity is tied to nothing else. What are they going to do? Bring my account to someone's attention and out themselves and their abusive behavior? And if they tried to out me publicly, I can just deny these are my stories. Again, because this identity is not tied to anything relating back to my real identity, I have nothing to worry about. My abusers would have to acknowledge the truthfulness of what I wrote to be able to say that they know I wrote it. It all just circles around to them being the only ones at risk for this account being outted as mine.

If any of you reading this have not done something similar to protect yourselves, I recommend you do. Create a completely separate reddit account to post here. Don't put anything in the username which reveals your identity. Never cross pollinate your identities (don't post outside of RBN with your secret identity, basically). Change some details of your story (make a brother a sister, swap the roles of your mother and father, don't be specific about places or dates, etc. (a big tip to those of you with Nmums instead of Nmoms, just call them nmoms because nmum helps identify you as non-american, and decreases the pool of who you could be)). Be aware that anything you post on publicly on the Internet is out there forever. You can delete your account, but everything is archived. This shouldn't scare you. It should scare those who abused you.

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.” ― Anne Lamott, Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life

If the photog is getting paid, I think there is a way to get them to leave. Get a copy of http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/p/legal-guide-for-the-visual-artist-fifth-edition-tad-crawford/

Tell the photographer "This book has some great guidance , i hope you know about it. I refuse to sign a model release, nor do I give you permission to sell my image. We are in a private location so the court rulings about shooting in public do not apply. If you do proceed to shoot me, then my lawyer would be happy to talk to your lawyer, do you have his contact info on you now?".

You may want to add, " sorry you got dragged into a toxic situation, mom does crap like this all the time"

Unfortunately, I think that’s the only effective way to get mail forwarded, right? But I had that same issue too and had to contact each website asking them to remove my info. It’s a lengthy process but so worth it.

This post helped me navigate how to do it.

She won't accept govt assist, if you keep tossing $$ at her. AND you already have a second job, your kid!

No sibling, don't do it... https://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=admiral+ackbar+trap&&view=detail&mid=06152D7F6A4DD3B14D1306152D7F6A4DD3B14D13&rvsmid=F32264BA0B8574AE811DF32264BA0B8574AE811D&fsscr=0&FORM=VDQVAP

It's like a fly in a spider web, it's not gonna end well for the fly. Sibling's gonna be a dried out husk.

There are many similarities and many differences.

Thorough discussion of both in this LinkedIn article: https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/20140827144831-15342750-working-knowledge-how-to-tell-the-difference-between-a-narcissist-and-a-sociopath for example:

A narcissist will talk about himself, a sociopath will get you to talk about you.

A narcissist will introduce topics of interest or concern to himself, a sociopath will introduce topics of interest to you.

A narcissist wants to be perceived well, a sociopath wants to be perceived in whatever way will best suit his purpose.

Both ignore social rules, but a narcissist does it out of lack of awareness, while a sociopath does it to manipulate situations for his purpose.

A narcissist is somewhat hapless and unaware of his personality predicament his behavior and his effect on others; a sociopath is likely to be aware he is different from people who experience empathy and knowingly use this difference to get his way.

A sociopath is pre-occupied with winning, while a narcissist is preoccupied with being appreciated and admired.

Yes!! I'm super excited, here's a link if you're interested in pictures :)

IMHO, it doesn't do good to try to try to ruthlessly suppress the sort of spur-of-the-moment feelings, memories, and so on.

What I've learned, reading The Chimp Paradox by Steve Peters --which is a fascinating book on neuroscience, written accessibly but not dumbed down-- is that the brain is heavily compartmentalized. There are parts which are devoted to memorization, parts that give you split second emotions judgments and physical reacitons, and parts devoted to conscious thinking.

What Steve Peters points out is that the rote memorization part of the brain is about 20 times faster than your conscious thinking (and it functions even when your conscious mind is asleep --hence, dreaming). Your emotions are 5 times faster than your conscious thinking (hence quick activation of fight-flight-freeze response before you even know what the heck you're supposed to be scared of!)

Thus any attempt to just use conscious thinking to stop remembering things or to stop feeling things is useless; you'll be beaten to the punch every time.

Instead what Peters devotes the bulk of the book to are techniques to manage memories and emotions. Understand that memories and emotions will come up automatically, but given the right management they can be channeled toward positive ends or trigger useful responses.

But intrinsic to that management process is your conscious mind taking the time to consult with memories and emotions and ask "How do I feel? What comes up when I think of this?" then devising a decent plan of action and executing it.

TL;DR: The solution is not banishing your emotions and memories, but integrating them properly with your conscious mind.

Have you thought of using https://www.23andme.com/? It's only $99, and it's pretty awesome. I didn't learn anything about my recent ancestry I didn't already know (I am half Chinese and half Greek, and my results cam up pretty much bang-on 50% Asian and 50% Balkan), but I think it could be really useful if you are interested in whether you actually have mixed blood or not. You get to learn all kinds of cool stuff (I'm in the top 2% for neanderthal DNA) and also you can choose to find relatives, which has put me in touch with distant cousins whose families kept much better genealogy records.

You purchased it, with your money, as an adult. You're 22. You really are not required to tell him where you are at. But maybe you're living with him and he can kick you out as punishment for not doing as he says.

In any case, did you know you could spoof your iPhone/iPad's location? There are a lot of tools that let you "lie" to your electronics, and tell it that you are in lower Slobbovia instead of at your SO's house. Here's one such app, and there are others if you just Google "Location spoofing".

Asides from a burner phone, what would the fallout be if you stuck to your principals and continued to use a PIN code?

If it really isn't an option, and a burner phone also isn't an option, you could try something like an Android emulator. I've used http://www.andyroid.net/ in the past, though it's been a while, so I can't remember how well it goes. Basically it "runs" Android on your computer. It has access to the internet and tons of Android apps, but not things like phone calls, text messaging and so forth.

Hope this helps, and good luck.

There's this idea called morning pages – basically what it means is that every day you force yourself to write for 3 pages, no matter whether you feel like you have anything to write about or not. Just always fill 3 pages with literally whatever comes to mind, even if you have to repeat the same word over and over again. The idea is that this helps overcome your inner self-censor. Maybe this technique could be helpful to you? I used to do it at a site called 750words, which I'm pretty sure is still free, but obvs you could also use paper or files on your computer or whatever.

This is a really good book. Actually, it's the bible for ACONs and a very good place to start.

https://www.amazon.com/Body-Keeps-Score-Healing-Trauma/dp/0143127748/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=the+body+keeps+score&qid=1626024973&s=books&sr=1-1

>In the mean time I hide up in my room or go out to be generally, out of sight, out of mind.

Okay -- please put this on your neck and tell us how it went.

Pet chew bitter spray

A woman on reddit put it on her arm after telling her autistic sister to stop biting her on the arm. (The parents did nothing to stop the little sis). It worked!

This behavior is beyond creepy.

Please find a good therapist to work on these issues. If money is an issue, look for "pro bono" or "sliding scale" or just ask if they have a sliding scale. You can also find some online only therapists as well.

In the meantime, you can read an old version of "How to win friends an influence people" How to Win Friends and Influence People images.kw.com/docs/2/1/2/212345/1285134779158_htwfaip.pdf or you can find the new version that addresses social media on Amazon.

or this https://www.amazon.com/Charisma-Myth-Science-Personal-Magnetism/dp/1591845947

there are tons and tons of books to help you with relationships and talking to people. it just takes practice. you can do this.

You could set up the app IFTTT a phone automation app, so that it texts her daily that you're fine or whatever. Just the same exact message. You can even set it up to trigger on key phrases you receive in texts, so if she always texts you something like, "so was your day alright?", It replies automatically "I'm fine mom"

You could also set up things like, if you Mom calls you, it automatically sends a text to your SO to warn them instantly, or if you enter or leave a location then it can text someone that you left work, or got home, you're at the strip club, you're in jail, etc. You know, things that your mom might be interested in, that you should in no way use in an entertaining way to give her an aneurysm.

It's like click, but better! You've just automated your entire relationship with your mother!

Congrats! I wish you much happiness and peace in your new home.

Now, I'm going to offer unsolicited advice. Keep doing exactly what you did to save up to get out. Seriously. You do not want to have an unexpected illness or what not put you in a financial position where you have to move back. As much as I hate the religious tones and poor shaming, Dave Ramsey Total Money Makeover book has some good budgeting advice.

Exactly right, in my opinion, and very well stated!

You might enjoy reading Man's Search for Meaning, by Frankl. It's not a very long book, and is all about how even in the worst circumstances we still have the ability to choose, and that freedom is all that really matters.

There are coping mechanisms for dealing with Ns, such as the gray rock technique, but while these can make situations more bearable they by no means fix the underlying problem. To put it in military terms, gray rock and other such strategies are "siege tactics"... and if there's one thing you can take away plain and simple from Sun Tzu's The Art of War it's that sieges are bad, whether you're on the attack or defense end of one.

Having a healthy emotional outlet is important when dealing with Ns. Especially if you're utilizing gray rock you'll need a way to release all the frustration you've been holding inside. Any kind of healthy stress relief activity will do: some people work out or take up a sport where they can vent their frustrations, some turn to gaming or books as a temporary mental escape, heck, some people master chess or take to painting! It boils down to what works for you.

Ultimately the goal for any ACoN is always to create real, effective distance between themselves and their abusers. Narcissism does exist on a spectrum, true, but so does poison. It doesn't matter whether it's the most foul concoction imaginable and kills you quick or goes down like fine wine and kills you reeeeeeeeeaaaally slowly, it doesn't change the basic characteristic, the intent -- or the outcome.

Unless you can get your N into serious therapy and they actively confront their narcissism, there's no "fixing" them -- and that means the same destructive patterns will repeat over and over again.

>“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

I am like you. I am full of all these little buttons and switches, which, when pressed or flipped, make me want to behave just like my father or mother would have in that situation. For a long time, I often gave in and acted just like them. That's the power and damage FLEAS wreak in one's life. Only through a lot of self-reflection, therapy, reading, and time have I matured to the point where I can recognize these FLEAS for what they are, behaviors I do not wish to imitate in my own life. That's where the above quote (and the entire book from which it comes) has helped me quite a bit. I still have those countless triggers. I have learned to give myself time to consider my reaction.

It's not a simple matter of counting to ten. If I feel a certain way, I pause and question whether the response I want to give is a FLEA I picked up from my abusers or if I myself would truly wish to react in that way. This takes a lot of work. It is not easy. You can do it.