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A lot of kids on the spectrum have noise cancelling headphones. I'm kind of surprised actually that SD's therapist hasn't recommended them. At night you should probably have baby in your room since I doubt SD could sleep in them.
1) counseling is absolutely an option. Just because you guys don’t have a certificate doesn’t mean you’re not eligible
2) you need to talk with your partner about boundaries. I read the book “the single girls guide to marrying a guy, his kids and his ex-wife”. https://www.amazon.com/dp/0451214196/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_9dxVDb13R6NA4
You being an instant mom isn’t necessarily part of the package when you date or marry a guy with kids. The kids are HIS baggage, not yours. My fiancé would NEVER get upset with me for going out and getting drinks. In fact, he encourages it! He is a capable father and doesn’t need me to run his family.
If your man can’t be a father, it’s HIS job to figure out how to do it, not to rope a girlfriend in to do it for him.
3) it’s never too late to leave a relationship. If the only reason you’re staying with someone is because it’s easier than leaving, that’s a BIG red flag. You are still young and you deserve a life that you’re excited about living
Without addressing the other main issue here, buy a mattress pad! I have them on all the beds in my house because I pay good money for nice mattresses and don’t want coffee or pee or whatever getting on them! Amazon sells some that a great- terry cloth top and plastic bottom, doesn’t crinkle or anything and does a great job of protecting your investment.
Family counselor here, and step dad of 2. I am sorry to hear your family seems engaged onto a negative spiral right now. As you probably know already from your background in child development, the core of everything is about attachment. When the family members are securely attached, parenting becomes easier. From what I read though, it seems that your SS isn't in a secure attachment with your husband. This become even more difficult when you are a custodial parent because no matter what you do, you can only influence your half of the family dynamics.
So as a step-parent you are unfortunately in a situation where your influence is even less meaningful. But it's not meaningless nonetheless, quite the contrary. From what you wrote it seems you had a great positive influence at first, but things eventually moved into a negative dynamics.
If you still love your husband and want that relationship to work (and especially in the context of being pregnant also!) I am not sure disengaging is a viable option on the long term. It will only deepen the rift and make the attachment even less secure, which means that kid's behaviour isn't going to get easier. So IMHO I think you need to work on re-attaching: from you to your SS, from your SS to you, from SS to his father and from you to your husband.
This is especially important also because your SS is 12 which means he gets into puberty, a very difficult time for both the family and him. He needs you even more so! To help you with this, should you decide you want to give it another shot, here are some resources: Hold on to your kids from Dr. Neufeld, and perhaps investigate vulnerability as a way to reconnect to your step son. If you need more specific advice let me know. Good luck!
She is emotionally abusing her kids, your SO and you.
1/ Get a solicitor/lawyer now!
2/ Document EVERYTHING
3/ ONLY the BD should communicate with the BM
4/ All communication should be written - it’s evidence
5/ Send an email explaining the terms that were informally agreed and ask for it to be maintained
6/ Send an email stating that you ONLY want to hear about issues relating to the children, any other emails/texts/phone calls will be seen as harassment
7/ if the harassment continues, call the police. Communication about children is fine, comments and berating you/SO is not
8/ If she calls, voicemail it, no message, no response. The rules I use are email for all normal (not urgent comma), texts for important things that need a response quickly, phone call for absolute emergencies. Give examples in an email to her. Always respond to texts, if the voicemail isn’t urgent then respond with an email
9/ Set boundaries with her, you control the boundaries. She will learn them
10/ Read this book: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B014W0587S/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_kR4CDbGZ9H4K9_nodl
11/ In ALL communication, keep it business like and do NOT stoop to her level, regardless of what she’s saying
12/ If she’s not civil - no response
This approach is slowly working for me. I’ve been through exactly the same thing. It’s got so bad that I’ve filed for residence of my children due to her emotional abuse of the children.
Boom. Link here: http://www.toptenreviews.com/mobile/phones/best-emergency-cell-phones/
They are ugly as sin, and they do exactly what you need them to do, which is to call you guys if there's an emergency when he's away from home.
Or get him one of these, which only allows for a pre-programmed set of numbers. Then you don't even have to worry about his "friends" "borrowing" it: https://www.walmart.com/ip/KidsConnect-GPS-Tracker-Cell-Phone-Wearable-for-Kids-Children-All-in-One-Security-Solution-Black/123583694?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=784&adid=22222222227049301430&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=&wl1=...
Read and follow this book. If you are diligent, it will change everything. It takes work. Hubby needs to be on board.
Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_9o71BbPH5QVCB
Bottom line: you are in control, you just need to remember that, and find the method of behavior modification that works with your SS.
The legal action made me lol.
Anyway, I do agree with the others re: nevvver touching the hair in any permanent way. Cutting or coloring. But especially not with a 5 year old. I got around this by buying my SD clip-in hair extensions. They come out right away, and she can wear them when she wants. I got a set like this in different colors.
https://www.amazon.com/Colored-Extensions-Straight-Hairpieces-Highlights/dp/B071ZS79CG
First off, that 4-5 age range for kids? Assholes. I find it was the age where they started saying mean things to see if they got a reaction. What your SO (and BM, hopefully) should be doing is shutting things down the second she says anything like that. SD doesn't make decisions on who hangs out with them, that's up to your SO, and if she questions it, he can simply say "I asked dancingqueen to hang out with us, and that's that. Do not mention it again."
​
It sounds like SD needs to learn a bit of empathy, and how words hurt. This book is actually very good at talking about this. The thing is, SD is going to start going to school soon, and if she doesn't learn to not be rude, she will have a hard time making friends and keeping them. Nip that in the bud now, because when she gets older it will be so much harder.
Oh have I ever been here. My SS is days from 16 and 2.5 years ago we had the whole lying about stepmomstermash thing. Outrageous things that made no sense, akin to the you sleeping. I took a big step back and only enforced what my hubs set out and told SS I would be enforcing. Hubs had to do it all. I have since stepped back in, but only with hubs knowing and telling SS what was going on and that basically anything I do is a bonus and can easily stop again.
I listened to Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall: A Parent's Guide to the New Teenager, Revised and Updated and it has helped me a lot in how I am viewing things. It helped me see that I was being treated more like a parent and not as much evil stepmom as I thought. Maybe it will help you too.
I also sought counseling when the initial lie bomb hit and it helped me sort through the feelings.
So there’s about a half dozen red flags in your post. The funny thing about not feeling confident with red flags is that we know that they’re there but we think for some reason we are at fault. This happens when you are raised around someone who doesn’t respect boundaries. We learn early to sense ways that we can keep the peace, expending ourselves and our natural ability to protect ourselves for the “greater” good. The problem is that while oftentimes successful most of the time we are unsuccessful and have no control over much. We learn a dysfunctional way of analyzing situations and to keep the peace at the expense of others and last but not least we are fair game for narcissistic people.
I say this with as much compassion as humanly possible. You are in an emotionally dangerous relationship. There is not a healthy explanation for what your SO is asking of you. While it is realistic to wait a few months before a new girlfriend is introduced to a young child a few years is unacceptable to anyone. While it is ideal to have a congenital relationship with the mother of your child it is very destructive to garner such control to anyone other than your wife.
I would urge you to seek out counseling so that you can see how enmeshed your boundaries have become and to reassert your ability (or establish) to trust your instincts.
A very good book to read is women who love to much. Women Who Love Too Much: When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change https://www.amazon.com/dp/1416550216/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_02ANR0VFRW0CZPKEY8M9
Hugs
Umm right, this is total BS.
I suggest that just for the fun of it you send her 24 from Amazon.
[quote]I didn't mean to hurt anyone's feelings. I'm sorry if I did. I just meant the word "real" as it is in the dictionary. definition here
I didn't even mean that real parents are better or worse than steps. Just that they are actual. They might not be present, they might not be better. But they are the real parents.
The word biological mom feels sterile to me. Like I'm some kind of donor. Though I use it here because I realize I'm in the territory of people who prefer that term. [\quote]
I've really been trying to give you the benefit of the doubt but I feel like you're either deliberately obtuse or you like the attention; which makes you a troll.
Look, by calling yourself a real parent, you've just dismissed the majority of posters here who have been fighting to be heard as real parents because many of us are doing the hard work. In my case, BM hasn't stepped up for her kids. I have. I'm the one who goes to their school performances, I'm the one who looks over their homework and signs their tests and patches up scraped knees and does endless laundry and cooks and listens to their woes.
Where has their "real" mom been? Where has she been the last two vacations the boys have had off from school? Who left them without food? Newsflash: their dad and fake mom ordered food for them while the real mom was out doing whatever real moms do when they don't want to be moms.
Who the hell are you to tell us we're not real parents? Who are you to look down your nose at us and at SM, who probably is nowhere near as awful as you make her sound since you so clearly have a bias against stepparents?
You think the word bio-mother is too sterile. Well, it too is as technically correct as the word real. You are the bio-mom because you are biologically related to your child. I mean, is that also not as correct as the word real?
> Is this because she’s not over my husband ?
It sounds more like a cluster B personality disorder than some kind of unrequited love. Either way, you need to work with DH to lock down boundaries, make very specific rules and ensure she knows as little as possible about your household. You both need to grey rock her, do not fall into her manipulative traps for attention or stirring up trouble. People like this live for drama.
Unless there are some legalities to the contrary, she can’t dictate what takes place in your household, including what care she deems ‘appropriate’ for her child. She handed over that privilege when she divorced. Them’s the breaks.
Switch to email or text communication only. She’ll balk at that, but stick to your guns. If she blows up DH’s phone, you might consider blocking her there and force communication through you only (we did this - not so fun emailing the wife).
>I know I wouldn't have permission.
A grown woman doesn't need permission. And a good partner says to his SO, "Hey honey, you should go! Don't worry, I got the kid. Go have fun!" And they mean it when they say it.
>He doesn't ever hit me
Sweetheart, he doesn't get brownie points for basic human decency. But I get this. I remember this line of thought, "Well, he's a jerk sometimes, but he doesn't hit me." Until he did. Until I ended up in the ER with a busted rib and lying to the nurses that it was an accident, that we were just playing. He hasn't hit you yet, but chances are that he will. He is escalating, and you are in danger.
>he doesn't raise his voice unless I try to talk to him, but he will ignore me for days on end if I do something unfavorable to him.
I hate this man so much. He has you absolutely convinced this is your fault. It is NOT YOUR FAULT.
>I did it all wrong.
No, you didn't. He did. He does. And those wonderful moments that you live for are the bait that he uses to keep you there as his personal footrest.
I recommended some books for you last time you where here. Did you get a chance to read any of them? If not, please get Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men and read it. You can find it on Amazon that I've linked to, and your local public library might have it as well. Read it, it is your life. I know, I've lived your life.
Please look at this as well. You are being abused. Only you have the power break the cycle and save yourself and your son.
Because I'm an obsessive person (and having a slow day) I can report that the anecdote came from this metafilter thread: http://www.metafilter.com/149244/The-abusers-side-of-the-story.
A commenter with the name "robot-hugs" was talking about experience working in high conflict divorces:
"PAS was my big issue - Parental Alienation Syndrome is supposed to describe a situation in which one parent is deliberately pathologically poisons children against another. And it absolutely does happen. It's poorly researched and is not actually a diagnosis, even if it sounds like one, but there are criteria we would use.
However, PAS got massively co-opted by MRA father's rights movements, and has been used as a cudgel to allow abusive men to retain custody, or claim full custody of children, and to continue to engage with and abuse women.
While there is often some kind of biasing of children in high conflict divorces, the vast majority of people who claimed PAS were actually emotionally poisoning their own relationship with their children. Even when you pointed out areas where they were acting unreasonably or were emotionally harming their children, they would always be able to blame the other parent (i remember a guy who made his kids strip on the porch because he didn't want mom's clothes in his house - 'mom's fault').
The ability for these individuals to self-delusion was incredible, and it made it very difficult to come up with situational and institutional support for parents who were actually experiencing legitimate estrangement and PAS, because it became such a dogwhistle. For these people, PAS was another tool to offset responsibility and acknowledgement of their children as individuals instead of possessions to be fought over. It gave them another tool to use their children to punish the other parent."
I'm not feeling super proud these days, as I feel more often than not right now that I'm just making missteps. But one thing I'm very proud of is how encouraged SD8 has been about her reading. We have always read (almost) every night at bedtime at our house. It started as me reading to her, then alternating pages, and now she reads to me because she wants to. Her reading skills are definitely ahead of the curve. I've somehow gotten really lucky with my selections and found books she gets really into, and right now we're reading a book about a young girl who discovers she's a mermaid. We're only halfway through, and she's asked me multiple times if I've bought the rest of the series yet.
I can recommend buying, reading and implementing these
The New Strong-Willed Child https://www.amazon.com/dp/141439134X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_aetSBbWSF5FX1
Raising Your Spirited Child, Third Edition: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, and Energetic https://www.amazon.com/dp/0062403060/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_AftSBbMH5EADB
Kids behavior is a control mechanism to get what they want, and although every child is different, you can break down behaviors into one of four or five categories. These books help you understand their behavior better and give you effective, proven strategies to deal with it. All you have to do is not give up, not give in, and be consistent.
You’ve got to learn how to effectively discipline this little monster before it ruins all the kids childhoods.
Tina Swithin has written great books and blogs about HC spouses, and how to deal with divorce and child custody issues. Here's just 1 of her books that's free with an Amazon membership.
Divorcing a Narcissist: Advice from the Battlefield https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00IPKV3UI/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_d-rkBbM0C7CJA
I hope you check out all her work and her blog, they definitely help.
Here's a text to PDF converter for an iPhone. Sketchy looking website, but I downloaded it awhile back with no issues. If I recall correctly, there's some part of it requires a purchase, so the "free download" thing is kind of misleading.
I also found this app if you have an Android phone. I don't have any experience with this app, it just came up in my search results.
Hopefully these help!
I will try to find it. We use a ubiquity system in our home. I'll be honest though.. I'm not terribly familiar with it and leave most of that to FH. Ours is unifi ap ac lite and I believe it has built in stuff to limit time online.
There's also this.. as I'm guessing with an 18 year old you're not exactly going to be able to go into his gaming accounts and start setting up parental controls.
https://www.ianswerguy.com/limit-internet-access-using-router-settings/
Also found: https://lifehacker.com/circle-is-the-parental-control-for-the-internet-ive-alw-1747520805
Edit- SO.. apparently you can set up an access point (Our ubiquity system can act as one). Then set that to change randomly. You might want to look into that quite a bit more if that's something you wanted to deal with. It really just sounds like an option that ONLY impacts the kids instead of everyone.
You do it, and just be SO EXTREMELY NONCHALANT about it that it's not a big deal.
Just get her pads and panty liners at first. "Hey, by the way, I got you some of these to keep in the bathroom just in case your period starts or you begin having discharge. How much do you know about periods?" and see what she says, and start from there. If she says she knows, then just nod like you expected her to know and say "well here you go, and I'm always here if you need me to answer any questions about it. And if you'd rather write something down in a note to ask me instead of talking about it, you can do that, too."
If she doesn't know anything about periods you can give her a basic shpeal about how as girls turn into teenagers they'll start their period, which means they bleed from their vagina for 3-5 days every month or so. Wearing pads will keep her clothes safe from the blood. You change your pads during your period often so they don't get overfilled with blood, and you fold them and wrap them in toilet paper when throwing them away in the garbage can to keep others from seeing the blood. And do the same "if you need to ask me questions I'm here, and you can write me a note if that's more comfortable for you."
Supplementing both talks with a book like https://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Older-Girls/dp/1609580427 is also advisable.
UPDATE: last week I complained about BM turning into Goldilocks and the three shoelaces.
So I found these rubber laces on amazon that dont tie and stay clean because...rubber..
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B06VY8GSZF/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o06_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
SS was super stoked about the colors and they fit perfectly and everything was sunshine.
Pick him up the next time, and he has his OLD sneakers on and tells us BM is demanding we return the shoe laces I replaced with the Amazon ones. Excuse me? The shoelaces I purchased for the shoes I purchased. No Satan, you do not get to have my shoelaces. And give me my damn shoes.
I picked up the book The Explosive Child and am still in the middle of reading it, but it sounds like SD7's behavior fits right in to what this book talks about.
Kids with troublesome behavior lack skills that come to other kids naturally. The ability to adapt, be flexible, to change gears or to deal with even a minor amount of frustration. If a kid has these skills, they use them! Because obviously it's easier for them to live life with less conflict than it is to incite conflict at every opportunity.
But if a kid doesn't have those skills, they go haywire. It's not that they can handle the situation and they're choosing not to use these skills. No, they simply don't have the skills to handle whatever frustrating situation they're being faced with, even if it doesn't make sense to our adult brains as to why they're having a problem.
They might go nonverbal, they might start repeating themselves mindlessly, they might say "no" to any suggestion to help them, and when threatened with punishment, they go even MORE haywire and blow up.
I'm still reading to discover what kinds of tactics work with these kinds of kids; the main tactic seems to be to problem solve WITH the kid, and head off outbursts before they start.
I have learned through this book that kids who lack these adaptive skills don't have the capacity for manipulation. They might have maladaptive behaviors that look like manipulation, but manipulating requires a LOT more social skills than kids with troublesome behavior tend to have.
Hopefully this book reco helps you the way it's been helping me! https://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Child-Understanding-Frustrated-Chronically/dp/0062270451/
I will always and forever recommend the book "Building Love Together In Blended Families" for families who are having trouble with the expectations of how much love you should have for each other, or how love should be expressed between one another. https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054
An SO who expects you to love their kids like your own is one who is trying to make THEIR lives easier. They are currently stuck between loving you and loving their kids, and you likely enjoy time without kids more than with their kids around, so it's a hard place for SO's to be in: loving their kids while also loving their SO's who love time without their kids around while the SO's love time with their kids more.
I have 3 stepsons, and I love them dearly, but not the same way I will love my own child, or even my nieces and nephew. They are a different flavor of love. I love my stepsons of slight obligation rather than of natural origins. But that doesn't make it any less real. I still love them and cherish when they tell me they love me too.
It's all about decluttering and living a minimalist lifestyle. Everything has a home and therefore gets out away each time. When you are finished with an item, such as clothes that are too small or outdated, you thank them for their service/for bringing you joy and then you let them go (trash or donation). To start with you go through all your belongings via categories. It takes a while to do but I loved it. We cleared out 3 huge bookshelves of stuff and are actually fairly well organized.
I'm reading a really interesting book on how our culture has shifted from parent orientation to peer orientation since WWII and how it is playing out poorly for youth, even when we were the youth. I've paralleled what they've said to the struggles I had as a teen and it does appear to be spot on.
This is the book: Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers
And here is from Amazon:
International authority on child development Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., joins forces with bestselling author Gabor Maté, M.D., to tackle one of the most disturbing trends of our time: Children today looking to their peers for direction—their values, identity, and codes of behavior. This “peer orientation” undermines family cohesion, interferes with healthy development, and fosters a hostile and sexualized youth culture. Children end up becoming overly conformist, desensitized, and alienated, and being “cool” matters more to them than anything else.
Hold On to Your Kids explains the causes of this crucial breakdown of parental influence—and demonstrates ways to “reattach” to sons and daughters, establish the proper hierarchy in the home, make kids feel safe and understood, and earn back your children’s loyalty and love. This updated edition also specifically addresses the unprecedented parenting challenges posed by the rise of digital devices and social media. By helping to reawaken instincts innate to us all, Neufeld and Maté will empower parents to be what nature intended: a true source of contact, security, and warmth for their children.
Edit formatting
I may not be the best help from a psychological standpoint in how to teach your daughter about emotion manipulation, but I am a kind of a tech geek and I have some pointers for you that you may find useful:
Look into parental control apps for your kid's phone. I use Kiddoware's Kids Place for my SD's tablet and will be using it for her phone once she gets one. It's great! It has a whole bunch of functions ranging from timed device locks to setting whether a singular app can use mobile data or not. Most of the really nifty functions only come with a full license, but it only costs a couple of bucks and well worth it, imho. Another one of these functions is a "background mode" which basically allows users to use the phone's normal interface instead of the app's small-kid friendly GUI. Ideal for older children that want to avoid the stigma of having a glaring visual reminder that their phone is under parental control. AFAIK it's only available on the Google Play Store, so you may have to look for something else if your daughter doesn't want an android phone. I'd personally recommend one though, simply because it gives the end user more power over how the device is used.
Apart from that you can also use the SIM card's FDN function to limit which numbers can be contacted using that particular SIM card. You'll need the card's PIN2 for that but there should be a menu to activate it included in all phones.
Have you looked into ODD, oppositional defiant disorder? It is often associated with ADHD.
And if he does have that, I can relate very strongly.
Your SD does have a disorder, more than likely it is ODD, oppositional defiant disorder. She needs diagnosis and therapy to help her get it under control. Your SO needs to get on board with looking for ways to help his SD and you before it costs him his marriage. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/oppositional-defiant-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20375831
Evernote. You can journal to your heart's content with it, but you can also use it for so, so much more. It also allows you to integrate with Moleskine journals, if you are a pen and paper nerd like me. It has a handwriting component, too, if you need to scribble something down quickly while you're on the run.
You can share specific entries, notebooks, or nothing if you prefer.
I use it for everything from Journaling to keeping my car's service records up to date. Pretty spiffy, handy little app.
She was granted a hearing but then they got it canceled.
I'm pretty sure to start it all out she must have told her lawyer "pretend guns! shooting at SD7! they're thugs!" without actually saying it was literal squirt guns/water guns and her lawyer ran with it to get the emergency hearing. This lawyer was brand new for her (she had just fired her previous one).
So then they scheduled the hearing and when OUR lawyer got wind of it, he came to us saying "what the hell guys, guns?" and we had zero idea what he was talking about. It wasn't until I was laying in bed at 2AM frustrated over this that I remembered the squirt guns.
Our lawyer then had a chat with her lawyer. He said that her lawyer didn't know it was squirt guns and apologized for wasting his time (note a month later she again had a new lawyer so I'm guessing this soured things). I kind wish the hearing had happened just for the judge to hear it, but DH's dad was having heart surgery that day.
Edit: The squirt guns were this style:
So in other words no one who has ever seen a gun would think this looks like a good gun.
It’s actually kinda cool which makes it less of an evil step monster move 😉
I would encourage you to get your SS some counseling. There is also a good book called conscious discipline. The premise is that all behavior is a form of communication and it will help you communicate what exactly he is communicating by his behavior. Understanding what he needs by his behavior will help you teach him how to meet that need and communicate in an appropriate way. Conscious Discipline Building Resilient Classrooms Expanded & Updated Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UB5UWUW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_QFBGFNSJ0TCQRXYVVC1Z
Those glass screen protectors work great for their intended purpose. I've cracked a couple of them, just rattling it around in my purse or knocking it off the counter, but the actual screen on my iPhone 6 is still pristine. They're super cheap on Amazon. Coupled with a decent case and breaking it should become significantly less possible.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B013EN1QY8/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 paired with https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B016DUPT5G/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o03_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 is my current setup and it works great.
> Thinking of getting her a copy of our bodies our selves to keep here. Or is that too outdated? Is there a better more modern text?
My mom gave me that as a 12 or 13 year old and it definitely answered a lot of questions I never would've asked her! I recently went on Amazon to find something similar but more updated and found a couple based on age that seem to get good reviews and have more modern issues like dealing with friend groups and technology. I got the 8 - 10 version, but there's one for 10 and up that might give you what you're looking for!
https://www.amazon.com/Care-Keeping-You-Older-Girls/dp/1609580427/
Saddle Style Reusable Waterproof Bed Pad - Made in America (34" X 36")- 2 Pack https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078KVNNGD/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_xOmZAbD2T9K30
Try this style bed pad to help protect your mattress .
Also, there’s a product called bio-kleen that works well to eliminate urine smell. You can buy it on amazon but I’ve also seen it at Whole Foods in the laundry section
Amazon has a few and I know office depot/max carries them I have used them for years!
I started reading an awesome new book on how to quiet toxic thoughts within your relationships. It works with all relationships, even though the book is targeted towards couples. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1569244758/ref=oh_aui_detailpage_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
Not sure if this is the one OP is reading, but I have several friends who rave about this:
Yeah I think it can be easy to overlook things that you’re leaving to someone else to manage.
As for the cards, here’s a link to them ;) https://www.amazon.com/Fair-Play-Deck-Conversation-Prioritizing/dp/059323166X
I would definitely recommend it! My kiddo did really enjoy working through the book and it's great as a parent to see some of his answers to the questions.
It has a lot of engaging activities and its very helpful when kids are learning about their feelings.
The kiddos will absolutely love it.
No need to apologize, no one expects you to have an interest in the US and we don't have any desire for you to visit us. I was asking what media your child has been consuming that may have contributed to their accent. But it sounds like you don't really have a concept of what your child sounds like other than not like you. 🤷🏽♀️
Still not clear on what advice you're looking for here, are you looking for reassurance that her speech will change? Because if there's an actual problem with how she speaks, a speech pathologist can definitely help with that.
But if it's just your aesthetic preference, you can rest assured that as this child ages and travels and is around different people, it's likely that how she speaks will also develop because of the human tendency toward "mirroring".
You can Google mirroring, unconscious mimicry, the Chameleon Effect, or the Perception Behavior Link if you're interested in how that works, or how to influence the kiddo toward different accents.
I would suggest reading https://www.amazon.com/Love-Factually-Single-Parents-Dating/dp/0986333212
This book gives good advice on how to deal with Exs as well as having good boundries when it comes to dating single parents.
As a heads-up up be aware being uncomfortable is a pretty normal occurrence in step parenting. It's important you learn to express yourself honestly especially when it comes to topics that make you feel uncomfortable. How he reacts to your honesty gives you a good idea how he will deal with step family/blended family topic/issues.
That's a good way to teach it. I just ordered a book https://smile.amazon.com/gp/product/094399022X/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_image_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1 that will hopefully help.
I agree with other commenters that it doesn't matter if they won't step on the grass. Sure it's annoying, but try to ignore it. They're getting too much attention for this, and likely from each other too, but there probably isn't too much to do about that.
One thing you can try is to give them a bug scavenger hunt with a little observation tank. If they find and show you 5 on the list take them for ice cream. If they're truly just attention seeking they'll either get desensitized to them or even become interested. You can do more things like teach them about the sun and vitamin D, get into plant identification, etc.
It can also help to call their outside time something else because they're getting triggered. Maybe just fresh air or exploration.
Maybe not what you are looking for, but we have the family book by Todd parr.
https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0316070408/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_i_8SVPTBNQRY4JF0S7W238
It's a simple kids book, but the SKs here have absolutely loved it. It was a good introduction to different families in a simple and colourful pictures.
I don't have any recommendations for chapter books as we aren't at that stage in reading yet.
I recommend you read The Explosive Child. Using the techniques in this book can help diffuse situations and also help stop them before there is an issue. Also, stay far away from ABA. It's abusive.
This sucks, I’m sorry. You’ll have to have her evaluated by pediatric specialist
Some options:
Have her eval asap. She can then get IEP. EndeavorRx is an app that pediatricians have to prescribe.
There are meds that aren’t stimulants (clonidine is most widely used). Nonpharmalogical: omega 3s (out the assss; CorOmega makes these fire packets sold on Amazon), magnesium.
TIMERS.
EmotionalHealth: kids need a ton of emotional regulation training. (Me tooo). Routines are legit everything. Like—-everything. Which is fucking impossible when switched between houses BUT a good chat between bioparents will need to be had.
I’ll have to PM you a few links I have saved elsewhere.
Deep breaths though.
There’s a book https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B09D77554C/ref=dbs_a_def_awm_bibl_vppi_i0 that I’ve read for my boys, has been helpful.
You should buy your boyfriend this book... Oh Crap! Potty Training: Everything Modern Parents Need to Know to Do It Once and Do It Right (Oh Crap Parenting Book 1) https://www.amazon.com.au/dp/B00V3L8YSU/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_MDGWK1MQ6CRNEQJ6CNSX
Potty training doesn't just happen. It requires about 3 - 7 days of full attention and then lighter prompting/help for about 6 months to a year
Source: potty trained my 2 1/2 year old 1 year ago.
With regard to the bottles, little one should be encouraged to use a cup/sippy cup/water bottle during the day but if she "needs" a bottle to go to bed I wouldn't have that fight yet and risk interrupting her bedtime routine. Also, don't try to change multiple things at the same time. Tackle one thing at a time and give kiddo time to adjust to new normal. She's already got a lot to deal with emotionally having Mum & Dad in seperate households.
Happy cake day! I really enjoyed The Single Girl's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife: Becoming A Stepmother With Humor And Grace https://www.amazon.com/dp/0451214196/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_N617AK9WMJW4FYR0PVVD And
The Stepmoms' Club: How to Be a Stepmom without Losing Your Money, Your Mind, and Your Marriage (A Parenting Self-Help Book to Create Happy Blended Families) https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492635413/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_NRMVSDF114BAMFY543QD
Both were enjoyable to read and have a lot of perspectives. They were very comforting for me!
Here's a handy-dandy list from the sidebar: Resources. I personally recommend Stepmonster, but if there's something specific you're looking for, let us know!
Hi, I've included a link below for free resources for you. Glad to know he was open at least to spending part of your birthday with you. Take care of yourself.🤗
https://lifehacker.com/top-10-free-and-affordable-mental-health-and-counseling-1788814933
Put a monitor on SO’s side of the bed and a lock on SKs door. SO needs to get up and put her back in her crib and be consistent about it. Otherwise a toddler bed that he can lay in with her. Keeping her in her room is important if you don’t want to share a bed with her (yuck)
DOOR MONKEY Child Proof Door Lock & Pinch Guard - For Door Knobs & Lever Handles - Easy to Install - No Tools or Tape Required - Baby Safety Door Lock For Kids - Very Portable - Great for Dogs & Cats https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004ECJWK4/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_S2HE6003VMXBQBCJC9P1
Oy OP, I’d suggest reading some books about normal development for a 2 year old. It’s clear from your post that you have no idea what appropriate expectations for a child that age are. That child is being a normal two year old.
No Bad Kids: Toddler Discipline Without Shame https://www.amazon.com/dp/1499351119/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_7DDM2CM6GS9J467XPPJP
Infant and Toddler Development and Responsive Program Planning: A Relationship-Based Approach https://www.amazon.com/dp/0134450094/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_YNKT2XCMT5ZE0F3DXVCK
I don't think masturbation needs a 'talk' unless it's happening outside of a private area (his bedroom/the bathroom). This is a great book book for that age that covers sex basics, including masturbation.
This has absolutely nothing to do with your SK, and absolutely everything to do with your SO.
This is manipulative, controlling, and abusive behavior, and men like this do NOT change for the better. It only gets worse, and the longer you stay, the more difficult it will be to leave due to trauma bonding.
OP, please check out this book. It helped me understand what was going through my ex's head, and find the strength to leave a 10-year abusive relationship. These men seem perfect at first, but there are always subtle red flags, and learning how to recognize them will save you a world of pain.
Book recommendation about consent and boundaries: Let's Talk About Body Boundaries, Consent and Respect: Teach children about body ownership, respect, feelings, choices and recognizing bullying behaviors.
Please reconsider meds. I have ADHD and medication changed my life. I wish I had been diagnosed before I became an adult; it would have changed a lot of things for me. I also worked with a therapist to figure out ways to manage my symptoms, like establishing routines, habits, etc. I have a list on my kitchen cabinet with my morning and evening routines.
I’ve known children with ADHD who behaved like your stepdaughter, and after finding the right med/dosage, they were completely different children (in a good way!). Their parents also got help from a therapist to figure out the best way to help their child.
If we break it down there are a few things going on that are causing the problems and that’s why I think you might need more than one solution. The biggest problem sounds like it will be getting her to stay in bed. I don’t know if I have any real ideas for that. It sounds like a problem that might take some time to solve and she may just need to out grow it. That being said but as far as the slamming doors, bright lights and you getting woken up when she does leave her room; there are cloth door latch covers that you can put on doors so that they can shut but can’t be slammed. Between that and some ear plugs and a night eye mask you should at least sleep through her getting up. Again I know that it doesn’t solve the bigger problem but maybe it can offer relief in the meantime.
Baby Door Latch Covers Closer - Nursery Door Closer Silencer with Strong Elastic Straps for Good Sleep Thick Solid Door Cushion for Jammer Noise Reducing, 3 Pieces, W 4 x L 2 inches, Grey https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07BTRVMK6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_596WR0V5KM9NHQFN8Y1R
Before you make a decision, please take a moment to read this book: "Why Does He Do That?"
The author spent 20 years working directly with abusive men and has far more insights into their brains than most people. I believe you'll find the answers you need in there.
That literal, physical relief you felt was your body telling you that leaving him was the right decision. Trust yourself. Trust your body.
You have a brilliant beautiful life ahead of you. Don't waste another moment of it!!!
There is a book on Amazon called, “Where do my brother and sister go: A story for the youngest children in blended families and stepfamilies” by Marian Camden. Maybe that would help them process it? I’ve read it to my son, but we are about to read it again tomorrow now that he’s a bit older.
Good luck!
Link to book: Where Do My Brother and Sister Go?: A story for the youngest children in blended famlies and stepfamilies https://www.amazon.com/dp/1518766005/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_ABS6GE3GXZGH8K694FJH
The Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom — https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060846836
When you’re a successful, independent woman dating a dad, this book is legit. Read it, do the journaling exercises and the discussions with your partner. Being in love isn’t enough to solve the ridiculously tough problems that come with being a stepparent. You need a guide and this one is a good one.
Hell fucking no. I have a half brother who im very close to, i have no need or desire to know anything about his mom. She tried to come into my life and my brother and i quickly shut that down.
SO needs to get his head on straight. He's in lala land. This "trendy trendy" style of coparenting isn't it.
Order this asap
It's a great idea to meet her before she meets your son! I would give her the option of meeting you one on one, or with your ex there too. Purely because she may feel uncomfortable if it's just the two of you. Or even with another third party such as a friend of hers, or even a neutral family member of your exes who is still friendly with you, and is welcoming to his new partner.
I met BM with my now husband in tow and don't think I could've worked up the courage to meet her alone. That said, the meet up ended up with just me and her doing the majority of the talking and in hindsight would've been totally fine if she had wanted to meet one on one. We acknowledged that the situation was slightly weird and awkward and it was a good icebreaker.
To add regarding the book, wait and see what type of role she slots in to. She could well choose to sit back and be nice and welcoming to your son, but leave all parenting to your ex. Or she could just right in and play the SM role. Or even find herself in a middle ground of loving him like she would a young family member. If she does start to fill the SM role and your relationship with her stays positive, I've heard great things about this book. But obviously it depends on what role she decides she wants to play before gifting such a type of book.
Thank you for wanting to have a positive relationship with her though, it really is the best situation to be in when all parties can get along and co-parent positively. It really helps the kiddos involved. Disclaimer: Obviously there are cases where this absolutely can't happen. I'm not trying to crap on anybody who is in a difficult situation because every situation is different.
I would recommend the book “A Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom.” It’s particularly good for someone like you who is childless and independent and considering entering this life. It was one of the first stepparenting books I read and it was eye-opening and made me do some soul-searching. It has great journaling prompts that really dig into the feelings and assumptions that come with stepparenting and dating a guy with kids.
The Career Girl’s Guide to Becoming a Stepmom — https://www.amazon.com/dp/0060846836
It also hits on the financial parts of being a stepparent who makes more money than her partner because of their child support responsibilities. This is a place where you need to tread VERY carefully because you don’t want to enter into a situation where you are the financial caretakers of your stepkids. They need to be supported by your partner, not by you.
You are right to really stop and think about yourself and your needs before committing to this relationship. It needs to be something you ENTHUSIASTICALLY know will work because of how good of a parent your partner is, and how good of a team you are. Being a stepparent is choosing to live life in hard-mode.
I'm a staunchly CF 35F whose SO has 5 kids. And trust me, the ONLY reason I'm still here is because he's a great parent and a wonderful partner with a low-conflict BM. If those things were not in place, I would probably not be with him. I'm not saying that people with mental health and emotional regulation struggles can't be good partners (hello, it me), but given the clues you've given about your ex and his lack of parenting and boundaries with his ex, it's possible that he's not really as wonderful as you might have seen him. I'm not trying to talk shit about him - I don't know you or him - but it could be that there is someone better suited to you out there, and now you're free to find them.
It sounds like you've done the right thing. I know it hurts, I know it super sucks. It's going to be for a minute before things start to feel better, but you will get through it. Are you familiar with attachment theory? It has helped me so much in learning who I am and why I have historically so deeply loved people who weren't right for me. This is the book I recommend to people: https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139
Take good care of yourself, as best you can. It's a rough road ahead, but you can do this.
I've posted this before re snacks. This is what I do:
In my freezer, there is a bin for frozen veggies and I am the only one who eats veggies. So I buy a couple of boxes of frozen spinach or whatever. Save the boxes and store ice cream sandwiches in them. Voila, ice cream for when the kids piss me the hell off. Snickers, cookies, etc also go into various empty veg containers. I do not share.
Packaged snacks go into oatmeal tubs.
Other packaged snacks go into my tampon box. I put a few tampons on top so anyone getting curious will only find tampons.
If you crochet or knit, keep some snacks in your yarn stash.
Decorative woven baskets that have lids contain still more snacks.
All of the above requires that you sneak around and that's not always possible with kids underfoot. Plus, you shouldn't HAVE to hide food because one kid can't regulate himself. So you need a food cage: https://www.amazon.com/Lockabox-Compact-hygienic-lockable-medicines/dp/B01KVKMGBE
Or if you want to assign snack lockers to everyone, you could get an actual locker cabinet and everyone gets their own snacks, so once their locker is empty, they don't get another infusion until you feel like filling it back up. You provide the locks so you can have all the combination codes. Snack lockers are extreme but why should you hide the fact that they're necessary because SS can't share?
I was wondering if he lives in an apartment and can't change inside doors to locks. How about this instead?
My ex-wife did the same thing and my current wife got me this book and it helped.
It definitely gets easier once you can hang out during his custody time, but the feelings of jealousy are feelings you absolutely have to work through and dig into. I would recommend this book to help prepare you for the MANY complicated feelings that come with dating a father: https://www.amazon.com/Career-Girls-Guide-Becoming-Stepmom/dp/0060846836
If you stick with this guy, this girl is going to be the center of BOTH your lives. Sure you aren’t going to be responsible for her, but her existence has a lot of impact on your life, and that’s something you need to be prepared for. It’s not something you can think “I’ll just wing it and hope things work out!”
Have you ever read about conscience discipline? It could really help you with your SD’s behavior. Check out the book Conscious Discipline by Dr Bailey: Conscious Discipline Building Resilient Classrooms Expanded & Updated Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00UB5UWUW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_0MYY8NM3QNH4TYHS2DG4
It’s theory is that all behavior is a form of communication. It works well once you understand the mindset of discerning what a child needs based upon its inappropriate behavior. Take lying for an example. Most kids lie to meet a need. Usually the need is self actualization or to avoid punishment or embarrassment. Understanding this need can help you teach a child to communicate his needs in a more productive way.
I taught my kids to be honest by always providing an opportunity to be truthful. Usually 10 year olds are pretty straight forward. Rather than asking a question that would be easy to lie to Why didn’t you do your homework? Reword it to something that can easily be honest about “what is it you need to do to get your homework turned in?” While this is an Elementry example usually parents know the truth before they ask the question so don’t give the child the opportunity to be dishonest give them the opportunity to be honest and reward them for their honesty. Research shows that the best way to teach a child to lie is to punish them for lying.
It sounds like he may be gifted and it’s quite possible he’s n the spectrum as well. This is a great read: https://www.amazon.com/Misdiagnosis-Diagnoses-Gifted-Children-Adults/dp/0910707642
It does run in families, but you will both have more tolerance and more tools to deal with your own child. Plus every kid has a different personality.
I would look into attachment issues. When kids are young and have attachment loss or trauma (such as parents splitting up) they sometimes have a frantic type attachment where they feel insecure in their ability to have their needs met if they become more independent. There are a couple books on this topic but I would highly suggest the book "Attachments: Why you feel loved and Act the way you do." It is actually a very good book for anyone to read but may have some things your husband could look at objectively. Therapy for kiddo can also be helpful. As a bonus parent it can be hard to "influence" this kind of situation. A therapist who is impartial and outside the situation can sometimes confront this kind of stuff in a way that actually achieves change.
I have a two young stepkids that don’t have access to their BM. I’ve tried to be there for them, and I guess I’ve done a good job... They keep picking up my mannerisms and speech and I have had a wonderful experience growing close to them. They openly adore me, and I adore them back and then some 💚
However, I can’t stop myself from thinking about the kid I always wanted. It gets complicated... The more I love my stepkids and SO, the more time I give my SO to decide if he can make room in our family and in his heart for one more child... the more I feel that child slipping away from me, and it hurts so bad. I’m definitely not ready to let go, and I know I never will be.
I don’t have much else I can give you, but here is a podcast on childless stepmoms that considers our situation from multiple view points. Be advised that is does have a religious slant to it. Maybe you’ll have better luck than me and can even get your SO to listen with you. Childless Stepmom Podcast
If you like reading, I also found learning nonviolent communication through Marshall Rosenberg’s book a huge asset. I got into it to hoping to shed some hatred that was eating me up, but ended up learning that I have an even larger problem of lacking compassion for myself.
We’re all still learning, so be kind to yourself and Godspeed.
How about getting the boy his own special chair/couch that he can sit on and change in and whatever to his little heart’s content? Like this: MallBest Children's Flip Open Sofa Bed Kids Upholstered Foam Chair Toddler Recliner (Red/Fire Truck) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B06XCLNXKT/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_AMR269X5JE7YG0V254PV?psc=1
"my SO would express his wish that I would grow to love my SKs as my own"
Well yeah. That would make HIS life a lot easier. But no, that's not an expectation he gets to push on you. You are in this relationship because you love HIM not because you love his kids. His kids are not yours, and you can't manufacture relationships. I WISH I was closer with my brother, but it just hasn't happened the same way as it did with my sister. That doesn't mean that anyone did anything wrong, our personalities just didn't mesh the same way and it didn't happen. Same thing with blended families; sometimes stepparents really bond with their stepkids and it's a very special relationship, and sometimes it just doesn't happen. Again, nobody is doing anything wrong, it just doesn't always happen.
It sounds like SO has a really hard time putting himself in other peoples' shoes, and has wildly unrealistic expectations about how a stepparent should act or feel.
It would be really good for both of you to read the book Building Love Together in Blended Families. https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054 It talks a lot about how we express love to each other, and how we often push our expectations of how relationships should be onto each other in a blended-family scenario.
The Happy Sleeper: The Science-Backed Guide to Helping Your Baby Get a Good Night's Sleep-Newborn to School Age https://www.amazon.ca/dp/0399166025/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_6aXcGbW7JG0H5
This book saved my life and sanity. It’ll help you with the 4yo, and it will help you with the new baby too
I remembered seeing this coloring book on Amazon and thought it might help. Nobody should think they aren't beautiful ❤️
For some reason pooping is harder then peeing So says my grandmother after raising 14 kids
Boys are also harder to train then girls.
Stay consistent,reward as necessary
Get the book-Everybody Poops
It’ll help
ETA-link for Book
You did great. All you can do is love her and take steps to keep her safe.
Dad needs therapy too. Family therapy with all of you could be helpful after she starts therapy.
If they don't already do this, Dad and SD need to spend alone time together doing something fun that SHE likes. No matter what it is, he needs to participate in focusing on her and letting her feel seen and heard. They don't need to talk about hard things, they just need to connect. It will do wonders for her. COVID be damned.
He should apologize and let her have the goddamn echo to keep it in her room. Get her some Alexa integrated things. They make plugs and light bulbs. I like these.
He needs to giver some space to have fun at home.
There’s a book you may get a whole lot out of- Treating Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents, Second Edition: How to Foster Resilience through Attachment, Self-Regulation, and Competency https://www.amazon.com/dp/1462537049/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glc_fabc_ocS4FbYZ8ZMB1
There is an older edition that may be cheaper. It’s made for clinicians but parents can get a lot out of it too. Much of the language is for foster care kids but it works very well with kids with birth mother trauma. Hang in there- this is tough work but it can be turned around.
Thorough the lens of trauma, this behavior makes sense. She’s young enough to turn it around with the right help. But be sure to take time and space for yourself, too.
You're definitely not alone with having an SO who is very out of touch about what a blended family is "supposed" to look like. My DH is, thankfully, not that way, but I've read enough stories on this subreddit to know that it's a really common issue, and one you and your SO should get on the same page about sooner rather than later.
Whenever there are partners who have unrealistic expectations about relationships between their kids and the step-parent, I point to this book: https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054
It's got a slightly religious slant to it, but the majority of it is really good info about how nuanced the relationships are between steps and kids in a blended family. It could help you and your partner understand how she's in a difficult spot of feeling a very different type of love for her kids than you. Her having high expectations of the developing relationships between you and her kids (as well as your parents and her kids) is a recipe for conflict
In addition the nursery needs to be close to the master bedroom and if both kids are downstairs there is less chance of the baby waking them up and vice versa. Your home office will also be much quieter without kids running up and down the stairs. I would put both kids downstairs because that is a really nice and easy boundary to maintain. Kids stay downstairs when you need some peace and quiet or privacy.
Get some of these and you can have an intercom system in every bedroom if the 4 year old might be scared downstairs:
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07PDHSLM6/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_search_asin_title?ie=UTF8&psc=1
There are some good books about this subject, perhaps ask her therapist for recommendations? It won’t change her behavior to read one, but the insight you gain might help you cope and respond to her. Here is an example:
https://www.amazon.com/Someone-Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Control/dp/1593856075/ref=nodl_
My step daughter also has “cluster B” personality traits suggestive of BPD, but she can’t be diagnosed until she’s 18. We dealt with the suicidal statements to get attention, but that part has resolved over time. Of note, we did always act on suicidal statements (once we took her to a mental health crisis center, another time to the ED). We did get her into DBT at one point as that is, as far as I’m aware, the best evidence based BPD treatment. Unfortunately, she wouldn’t engage and therefore didn’t benefit.
Conair makes this amazing flat brush that is practically painless when you brush it through wet or dry hair! My SIL used mine on her 4yo who won't let her hair be messed with either and it worked out so well they ended up buying the same brush!
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B001OHQWTG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabc_49.RFbP18HXGP
That would be a deal breaker for me. The fact he doesn't parent but lets his kid do whatever he wishes, the fact he won't even attempt to listen or have healthy communication, and the fact that he has no respect for your personal boundaries and tries to gaslight you into thinking you're overreacting. Plus the sulking like a child giving the silent treatment.
You deserve better. But if you are dead set on this Disney dad, get some self closing hinges for your door so it stops being an issue because he's clearly indicated that he doesn't care and isn't planning on changing.
https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B07GDS15KG/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_fabt1_ZgSRFb2NEN18F
Also, he could benefit from reading this. It's a perspective on how it might seem like nothing to him but how it feels to you to be blown off: https://mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/
There are voice recorders that look like thumb drives. I got one for my job when they hired someone who was known for sexual harassment (never had to use it in regards to him and he didn't work here for long, fortunately). It works as an actual drive, too. It's really inconspicuous and works well, even recording from inside a pocket.
I would encourage you to both read the book "Building Love Together in Blended Families" https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054
I know you're not married, but if you're thinking about committing to this relationship, both you and your partner need to have realistic expectations about what your relationship will be like with her kid. It can be hard building a relationship with a child who isn't yours and attempting to forge a bond with them, while ALSO curating a healthy relationship with the parent of that child who has a VERY strong bond with the child and who wants you to bond with the child, too.
It sounds like she is trying to orchestrate a specific relationship for you to have with her kid. She may have some expectation of what you should be like with him, and honestly she might need to reset those expectations. You also might have unrealistic expectations for her. Like, you may have noticed that she acts different when she's with her kid than when she's just with you, and you don't like the "mom" version of her as much as you like the "single" version of her. That's completely normal, and you can't expect her to be her "single" self when she's responsible for a little human.
Like I said, it's all very complicated, but it sounds like you all just need time, need to lower your expectations of each other, and just feel out what life is like with each other with and without the kiddo around without putting pressure on yourself to act a certain way or be a certain way.
You don't have to have the love, and you don't have to have the guilt!!
Your two jobs as SD's stepparent are 1. love SD's dad and support him and be a good partner and life teammate with him, and 2. be a positive person in SD's life. Your job isn't to love her as if she was your own child. She has a mom, so you don't have to worry about filling that role!
Let go of that expectation of needing to love her. Love is different when you're in a blended family, and that's okay! You can't force yourself to feel ways that you simply don't feel. Some stepparents feel that love, and others don't.
I would encourage you and your partner to both read the book Building Love Together in Blended Families. https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054 It has some great advice for stepparents looking to bond with stepkids, and also for biological parents to have the appropriate expectations for their partners' relationship with their kids. AKA, not expecting their partner to love their kid the same way they do.
I hope this helps. Remember, as long as you're striving to be a good partner to SO, and a positive person for SD, then you're doing a fantastic job!
there's one on Amazon. I generally like the ones on etsy because they're a little more glitsy.
Isn’t A the smallest cup? So if they’re too big for her, then she probably doesn’t need a bra with a cup, more just sports bras that are T-shirt sized?
Wow.
I always say... it is hard to be a parent, it's REALLY hard to be a stepparent, but it is almost impossible to be a stepparent with an unsupportive partner. It sounds like he really doesn't know what the dynamics of a blended family are supposed to be, and is treating life like you are a nuclear family, and you're not. He is the father, you are the stepmom, and the kids are his.
You would BOTH find it helpful to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Building-Love-Together-Blended-Families/dp/0802419054
A blended family has special circumstances, and the things that you say he says to you (particularly about loving his kids) don't add up to him understanding those circumstances. You didn't enter into this relationship to love his kids, you did it because you love HIM, and he happened to come with kids. You are not the one with baggage here. He is. So he shouldn't be critical of you as you try to figure out what your role should be in their lives.
I am curious to know and please don't be offended... are you much younger than he is? I only ask because sometimes when younger women are in a relationship with an older man with kids, there is an uneven balance. Younger women tend to not stand up for themselves and their needs as much as older women do, and find themselves being used because they don't want to stir things up.
In any case, please PLEASE feel empowered to do what you need to do to find sanity, even if it means reassessing your relationship with him. You will never have as much experience as him, so he should NEVER be critical of you trying to better yourself as a wife and stepmom by reading books. Don't do things just to make him happy. Conflict is hard, but through conflict we experience growth. I do wish for you the best of luck as you navigate these hard issues.
In addition to showing her videos, I’d recommend getting her books about puberty she can look through on her own. I recommend this book as a classic option. If you can only get one book though, I really recommend this book. Neither delve into sex but they go over everything related to female puberty and explain anatomy.
I would get pads and tampons geared toward teens (color wise and stuff) and let her know where they are.
You also could get a journal and keep it somewhere that your SO wouldn’t regularly come across it and tell her if she ever has a question she’s embarrassed to ask out loud, she can write it in there and you’ll write back.
Of course! I can't recall if it goes into sleep aids, but to truly reset yourself, you need to go off them and suffer through for a couple weeks. :p
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1572246359/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_GQUwFbVDCEATW
Just because her dad agrees doesn't mean it's right. Do yourself and your family a favor and watch this lecture about ADHD and how it affects people who have it. Barkley has a good book for parents with evidence-based strategies for managing ADHD. You, her dad, and her mom all need to cooperate on implementing these and maintain continuity between homes to help your stepdaughter keep things straight.
> You’re free to disagree but just because you have a different experience doesn’t make mine invalid.
As people with ADHD, yeah, it kinda does. We have a better understanding of what's going on in her head than you seem to.