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Two years out and almost all of the ptsd symptoms have subsided. I still have occasional nightmares and emotional flooding. I still sometimes get anxiety when she works late.

There is an actual condition called “Post Infidelity Stress Disorder” and a book that purports to help:

PISD: The Six Stages

I found that self-reflection, self-awareness, and self-improvement all helped. Becoming the best version of myself has given me the courage. I lost weight, started lifting weights, went from couch to marathon in a year. I serve on the regular (shelters, food pantry, volunteer at my kids school, etc).

We ended up reconciling and I’m grateful for that, but before this happened she was my world. I was naive. I realize now that I am strong enough to be alone if that becomes necessary. There is incredible freedom in that.

I wish you peace.

If this is your third instance where someone cheated on you, you should read the book - the human magnet syndrome.

Might help you understand so stuff.

He's gas-lighting you...bad. And you likely do have a form of PTSD!

-Year one is like being in ICU.

-Year 2 is like being in the hospital

-Year 3 is painful PT.

You're still in ICU! You should feel this way.

Tip: He needs to read "How to Help your Spouse Heal from Your Affair." It lays out a 15 point recovery plan. He needs to commit to those 15 points or your relationship might not ever heal.

I just realized you're not married. Oh friend, treat this as a godsend. Break it off. At a minimum downgrade him to bf. But the engagement is off!

I've seen no evidence that is true. It very well might be, but I would want to see the facts like from Shirley P Glass. Author.

On this sub, it seems 50/50.

Btw, I lean to trying to save marriages...if at all possible. Ask her to read this book right away (because of expiring lease). It's designed for the cheater. It explains the work she will need to commit to. She can even buy the audio version today and you both listen to it tonight.

Do you want it to work? If so, may I suggest going one more month without signing a lease. Having you both have to decide in a week is a lot of pressure.

I'd like to help. PM me if you want. I'm a guy in my 50s.

It’s available as a Kindle download for $7.99 on Amazon, and you don’t actually need a Kindle as you can read it online in the Kindle Cloud Reader or you can install the free Kindle app.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful https://www.amazon.com/dp/145055332X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_2z.GBbTP2JAKC

First do not move out! That can hurt you lot in case of divorce!

I'm a guy that is biased to saving the marriage...especially with kids. But I'm not stupid about it. Unless she comes around (clearly she hasn't) there isn't anything you can do. Keep going to counseling even if she doesn't show up.

But if she doesn't come around ask her to move out to figure out her life. Is the AP married? Because that might help you if he is.

There's a decent chance you will file for divorce. Filing is sometimes the only thing that gets their attention! It doesn't mean you have to go through with it.

Odds are high they had car sex. If unprotected be sure to get tested. (that even hurts to type).

If she 100% is dedicated to making the marriage work, this book is about the only way to begin the long, long healing process.

Pls keep us posted with updates.

​

It sounds like you need to do some more work on your trust issues, but it also sounds like there are some issues between you two. Have you had a very honest, open convo with him about how you feel when he's texting other women? Is he fully aware of your past relationship and issues and how these triggers make you feel yet still continues to contact other women? I'm not saying he needs quit talking to others cold turkey, but he should be willing to work with you. Be open about letting you see the msgs to put your mind at ease. Maybe have convos with them in front of you, make sure you've met the women he is particularly close with so you can feel more assured that it is innocent. I think there are definitely ways for you guys to work through it but you need to be willing to have the conversations with him. Stay calm. Write things down, journal, whatever to get it out then have the discussion when you are calm.

I've read Living and Loving After Betrayl by Steven Stosny

It helped a lot with how you can only control yourself, ways to move forward with trust, etc.

Also, give yourself a break. People need different amounts of time to heal. You might need a little more time to work on yourself. Have you tried therapy? I have been working with talkspace and love my therapist.
Good luck!!! ❤❤❤

OP, this kind of comment gets down-voted a lot. But that doesn't mean it's bad advice. Please remember 95% of people who follow this sub are people who dumped their SO, so they are inclined that most everyone should. And I'll get down-voted too.

Of course, you need to do what's right for you. But one good option is continue counseling either just you or marriage or both...until you know for sure.

Let me be really clear. If you dumped his sorry ass I would not blame you! But, divorce really is hell. I'd feel better if you continued counseling and decided to decide sometime next year. You can always divorce him later.

And have him listen to this audio book.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/How-to-Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-from-Your-Affair-Audiobook/B00AWEL238?source_code=GPAGBSH0508140001&cvosrc=ppc%20cse.google%20shopping.192854940&cvo_crid=167186479893&cvo_pid=43266138452&gclid=CNHr54qt0NwCFcOoZQodw_ULGw&gclsrc=ds

Get the book "Not 'Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass Ph.D.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=not+just+friends+by+shirley+glass&qid=1608494931&s=books&sprefix=not+ju&sr=1-1

Things I do which help:

Take a walk outside with headphones and an audiobook like once a week. Go somewhere you like for the only reason that you like it.

Went to the doc and got antidepressants. On my second try now bc the first ones didn't work.

Therapy. Most difficult one to start bc it meant telling my pain to a stranger. Also extremely helpful. I opened my mouth and said what my hopes and goals were. Realistic ones. When looking for a therapist, I give it one meeting. If we don't click, I'm out.

CBT Workbook for Depression. It's on amazon here

I did all these at approximately the same time, at my low and they all played a big role in kicking me in the ass out of the black haze and into some semblance of order and life.

Then I downloaded 12 Rules for Life: An Antidote to Chaos and listened to that on car rides bc I love taking car rides, and it made me excited to live again.

The other day for my audiobook walk I wanted to go to this one trail I like, but it is half hour drive away. So realistic me was like, "Just use the trail up the road, it's 2 min away and more practical. Don't waste gas driving to the other trail, its all woods." Then I thought about it and you know what? It isn't a waste of gas. I WANT to go to the trail I like better, that's perfectly reasonable. I don't have to sacrifice every little tiny thing to practicality and convenience for others.

I started doing little creative things just because. Coloring with my kids, playing my musical instruments, bought a couple house plants that weren't in the budget JUST because I wanted them and they make me happy. I've wanted plants for a long time. I did it! And you know what? Grocery budget was tighter because of the $50 but my home is happier and I'm happier.

You’re in denial. It is understandable. He has broken a covenant with his affair. You’re denying how the physical affair hurt you and focusing on the pictures. IMHO, masturbation is normal. Your husband Masturbating to pictures of your family members is batshit crazy.

He wants to alienate you from them by seeing them as rivals for his affection. By doing this he is saying you “aren’t good enough” and he needs sexual stimulation from sources external to the marriage who aren’t you. You didn’t sign up for this. It’s totally creepy on a variety of levels. I’d speak with a lawyer about your options, there are two good books at Amazon:

https://www.amazon.com/Detach-Survive-Self-Care-Midlife-Crisis-ebook/dp/B007XUDJVW

https://www.chumplady.com/book/ Leave a cheater, again a Life

Good luck and I’m sorry.

Other people gave good advice re therapy for all. But some important points:

-Ex needs to understand this is your home. You need ground rules. She's a welcome guest until she can get back on her feet. For example, one of your rules to stay might be therapy. Maker a written list (even where she needs to park her car) and have a sit down ASAP.

-Great book idea might be "Boundaries" as it teaches you how to nicely draw the lines to protect yourself. And you need to stay safe in order to help. So read it so you can help them more.

-While you can forgive her & I hope you do, that does not mean you need fully trust her. They are not the same.

You can do this friend.

​

Buddy, You did well!

Strength is the way to go!

I would advice you to contact a lawyer now!Get the papers ready and file, it will take a long time (You can stop it any time even the last day at court!) It will set a time frame for her to fix things, and shows her consequences!

Tell her she has up until the final court date to prove she is a safe partner!
Trust me, this works!
It will show her you mean business, it will also cover your ass.

Without she seeing any consequences she won't do the work properly, or take it underground (they do that a lot so watch out)
Consequences will truly snap her out of the affair fog!

And yes you should contact the AP’s wife if he has any, that's the standers action in affairs, you help the betrayed spouses!

I would still advice you to read this: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life by Tracy Schorn

Have you guys been to counseling, individually or as a couple, since finding out about the first time he cheated?

It wasn't the case for my husband, but for some WS, one fuck up is enough to set them back on the path to total monogamy. If you feel confident that your SO is being loyal, there's a fair enough chance that they are.

Here is a cute app that might reassure and help you feel more comfortable if you and your SO both install it on your phones.

"Just a friend" can be hella scary and triggering after being cheated on with someone who is "Just a friend," for sure. Hang in there, try to have faith.

Dude. Stop rationalizing. Stop talking. Take control. This job, alcohol, and all these people need to be out of her life. And you need to file for and and expose her behaviors to family and friends. Stop playing this weak. It’s not ok for her to have a one on one relationship with another man at all... she should be texting them. And you should be included in nights out. Those should be your boundaries. And don’t allow the distance to be an excuse. What did she do about it besides give access to another man? It was all on you to fix? That’s bullshit.

https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503

For a free copy online just google “not just friends pdf.”

No more me nice guy is a good book to read too.

I think that's what's so concerning and so abusive about those willing to betray, the complete lack of remorse, the smug smarmy thought that they'll get away with it...until they don't. I believe strongly in acceptance, but I do think there are very rare cases where those who show genuine remorse deserve forgiveness if they improve. It's very hard to see the person the same way again.

https://www.amazon.com/How-Can-Forgive-You-Courage/dp/0060009314

https://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Nutshell-What-Infidelity-Victim-ebook/dp/B07XJRCM6D

This book may help you understand why you feel the way you do, and that may help you overcome it.

I suggest you take a look at the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr. Robert A Glover. As a fellow guy with self esteem and self respect issues this book helped me immensely. I'm not sure what country you live in but it is currently on sale on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

do yourself a favor- spend the $10 on Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life on amazon. I'm about 3/4 of the way through it and it explains these mind games far better than I could.

​

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B017QL8X7M/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1

Bob's Burgers Damn Dirty Lies Loise Belcher Coffee Mug https://www.amazon.com/dp/B013ERLMC0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_0TzICb2253KKW

Since you asked. :) I would update the original post but i cant find the option :p

You are looking at this through a lens of there's clues all over but since no proof more than kissing was involved, it didn't happen.

The BS notices she was acting odd, spending a lot more time after work with some guy co-workers, hiding her phone that now has a password, on her phone a lot more in private, more distant, having to work on some Saturdays, more into personal grooming, works out a lot more, she buys fancy underwear for work.

A combo of those things then the bomb drops about "It was just a kiss. I had a few too many. She's just a friend. You're being paranoid."

Tip: Do not ignore the lessons of these sub readers. They are the ones to say "Trust your gut" early on. Don't ignore odd behavior. They did and got burned.

Which dating apps does he use and I can tell you why he does it.

If it's Tinder, he's looking for someone to have sex with.

If it's Match.com, he's looking for someone lonely to connect with and get very close to and potentially start a relationship with. Same with some like eHarmony.

Hookup sites would be different, as they would basically be to potentially hookup, as their name implies. If it's Tinder, there's only one reason to be on there, as there is no casual chit-chat online, just a "meet me here." Several of them are like that now.

But things like Match, eHarmony, and Zoosk, usually it's to get close with someone and try to actually get to know the person. Very few are for "just sex talk," and the ones that are usually have a "meet me here" swipe action that shows they want to meet in person right then.

You both should read

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

I wonder if you are being paranoid or just reacted from being cheated on like everyone does.

Come as You Are is a great book. Pls read Amazon reviews. It's of the premiere books on women's sexuality.

Of course, both pls see your MD first.

Also, Mojo Upgrade is a great couples sex quiz to find mutual sexual interests.

Good decision. We've been married 30 years and I'm just now having open talks with my wife. Unfortunately, her response has been poor. Right now, I'd take a mini-win as she see her MD and read a well respected book. The Mojo upgrade would be a big win. That's right, just taking a 10 minutes quiz is even off limits.

Ideas?

​

> of which I love more than the world

You are showing to much emotions, that's is not healthy, women hate it and it's unattractive to them!

> was like a dream come true for me

This is where you disaster starts!

You showed her that she is the best you can do!

That you are always available.

That she is your only option!

> I also find myself comparing myself to those 4 mouth-breathers that are nothing compared to the man I am.

Buddy, women want to chase love, and work for it, or else it will be a boring relationship for them, unattractive to them, you are just too available, those 4 mouth-breathers knew how to push her buttons and be attractive to her!

But you can maybe solve that problem!

You answer is in this Amazon top rated book (Read it, and don't let her see you reading it):

The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011 - By Athol Kay

Work on the MAP (When you read this book you will know what it is!)

Good luck buddy and update us after you read the book!

Here is the book info

Mistakes Were Made (but Not by Me): Why We Justify Foolish Beliefs, Bad Decisions, and Hurtful Acts
by Amazon.com
Learn more: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0544574788/ref=cm\_sw\_em\_r\_mt\_dp\_U\_gNkfFbCBRYMEA

I used a keystroke recorder that would send the daily logs to an email address. It covered sites viewed, messages, etc. I also used something like this from Amazon

https://www.amazon.com/Mini-Camera-1080P-Recording-Memory/dp/B07YDZJSW1

where I was able to get a front row seat to the shows when I was at work. Made the case pretty easy.

There are a few experts that have been doing this for decades. One has a book for the cheater but you want to read it too. Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair. He needs to agree to these 15 steps or he's not legit in his dedication to recovery.

Another one is for both of you: Not Just Friends. It's longer and covers pre-affair, affair, Post affair, healing. Very useful.

I highly recommend not winging it. Let these books guide. I'm afraid you will hit an unforeseen wall and not know what to do but divorce.

Read the reviews. You'll see.

I should say my bias is trying to make marriages work. I found a great book for the wayward spouse. It's a super easy, short book. It lists 15 things the wayward must do in order to help the marriage recover.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair:

I'd suggest you read it too! There will be some things in there where you will say "That's exactly how I feel...I just couldn't find those words."

Another book you want is Five Love Languages. Also a short read and not expensive. Sounds corny but it's not. It's super helpful for both men and women.

If you like those two, I can give you other ideas. I get bored easy so books really need to grab me before I recommend them. PM me if you want.

​

I am so sorry. But it's time to snip the cord. Go no contact. See an attorney. Tell the AP's husband if you want. Show him the FB post.

When he comes back and asks for another chance you just have to say no. Try this book.

Living and Loving after Betrayal: How to Heal from Emotional Abuse, Deceit, Infidelity, and Chronic Resentment

It will be better in a year. It's a long recovery. Hopefully 7 months of the hell is over with.

It's really good that you recognize that the alcohol is lending to a cycle of bad feeling.

There's a book on cognitive behavioral therapy called, "The Feeling Good Handbook". It's a pretty easy read, and the first 100 pages really help dealing with bad feelings. While some of the feelings you're having are healthy (even though they feel terrible), the rest of the feelings of despair, depression, and pain are unwarranted and brought on by negative thoughts. The mood-logging exercises really help to identify those distorted thoughts and put them into a realistic perspective. One this happens, you really alleviate a lot of the bad feelings you're having so that they're not paralyzing on a day-to-day basis.

Are you seeing a therapist? What about your SO?

https://www.amazon.com/Gaslighting-Recognize-Manipulative-Emotionally-People-ebook/dp/B079L4KFQR/

The understandings & competence in that book need to be more normal.

Also, Montminy's "21 Days to Resilience", as well.

https://www.amazon.com/21-Days-Resilience-Transcend-Strongest-ebook/dp/B013PKGTE2/

IF a civilization deems trashing parenting, through economically-enforced inability to be with one's children when their mind-forming requires that parents be with them, THEN the competences required to deal-with Attachment Disorder, & the narcissism produced by pervasive attachment disorder, become requirements.

"penny wise, but pound foolish", or "a little prevention costs much less than the cure's cost to undo the damage", however that last one should go, can't remember..

Salut, Namaste, & Kaizen, eh?

( :

If she wants to end your marriage, that will have to be the result. You cannot and should not force her to stay. However, if you want her to stay and/or want to consider a future relationship with her, I might recommend:
http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/love-respect-emerson-eggerichs/1102583183

What you CAN ask is that you do marital counseling regardless of whether she wants to stay or go, because you have children together and will therefore always be connected and need to work through the split that she wants in a productive way so that you can have an effective relationship for raising the kids.

You can also simply not move out. If she wants to go, she will have to go. Do your best to live your life the way you want to be as a human being, a dad, and a husband. Be kind.

You get to choose whether you want to work on it or not. She cannot control that you are choosing to be kind and loving (emotionally). You can 'keep trying' as long as you want to.

Don't expect her to be loving, physical, thankful, or even to be pulling her weight with the family needs. She is (mostly) checked out. You cannot make her answer to your efforts. You cannot make her be truthful. You cannot make her not attempt to see the other man. You cannot make her stay or be a good mom or love you or anything. When you realize that, it makes it all a little easier, because you don't have to chew her out for any of the other stuff. You can call her on her behaviors, but will it do anything?

Obviously, you don't want to be a sap. Feel free to tell her how it makes you feel. Or to point out that you aren't fooled by some of her more obvious lies, but know that it won't make a difference until she is ready to change.

BTW, I wouldn't try to pursue her (woo her) either, because you don't want to play the 'pick me' game.

The counseling might help. Or it might simply make the transition easier.

Get this book now. I've been through this before, with a girl who I was with for six years. I wish I had this book from the beginning, not like several months after. I made many mistakes in that time. Stay strong and don't look back.

I know this will be hard to hear, but you are better off. You have an idealized view of a person that does not exist. Once you start to focus on his actions that caused you pain, it gets better. We’re defined by our actions alone, so that’s who he is. I’m still on my journey, but seeing it from this perspective has been immensely helpful. All relationships are built on trust, and you will never be able to trust this person. They’ll only cause more pain down the road. I’m reading a book that I hope you’ll find helpful. Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The Chump Lady's Survival Guide

I’m really sorry that you and you’re mom are going through this. Please try your best to take care of yourself. You are in shock, which dehydrates you, so drink a lot of water and encourage your mom as well. Both of you try to eat, drink nutritional shakes until your appetite comes back. And see a doctor for sleep aids. Recommend both you and your mother immediately enroll in therapy, specifically for betrayal trauma. People minimize how traumatizing infidelity is for children, but you have been betrayed as well. Cheating in a Nutshell is a highly recommended book. As well as the Chump Lady Website. Keep in mind you can’t control the outcome or force either of your parents to do anything. Focus on your physical and mental health. You have your own healing. Be a support for your mother, encouraging her to eat, drink, exercise, consider going on walks with her to release both your endorphins, but do NOT become a substitute therapist. Refer your mom to survivinginfidelity.com. Wishing you all the best.

If you really want to give him a chance there is a book I’ve been recommended: Help your spouse heal from your affair.

https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=gp_aw_ybh_a_sccl_7/146-9362481-3547062?pd_rd_w=3PQZK&content-id=amzn1.sym.fa2c8d6c-6d1f-4243-8e6c-83275f13a382&pf_rd_p=fa2c8d6c-6d1f-4243-8e6c-83275f13a382&pf_rd_r=Q...

I too purchased this from Amazon:

Wireless Charger with Spy Hidden Camera, LIZVIE 1080P HD Mini Smart Nanny Security Cam WiFi Remote Viewing/Night Vision/Motion Detection https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07R5HG49T/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_84F98N1QT6W2Q3V436TA?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1

I’m having trouble getting it to connect to my wi-fi and won’t get another chance to hook it up until tomorrow night when my husband is gone to work.

Like OP, my husband is being unfaithful but only in the kitchen (long story). I thought that would be the most inconspicuous thing to set up but I’m not liking the “errors” to jump through when you need to do it quickly.

This book is even more important. The book is mis titled, it is not a manual but a relationship guide for men. I guess the publisher thought the title might increase sales. LOL https://www.amazon.com/Married-Man-Life-Primer-2011-ebook/dp/B004W0IRQ8/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=38J85GEU41G33&keywords=Married+man+sex+life+primer&qid=1645883685&s=books&sprefix=married+man+sex+life+primer%2Cstripbooks%2C325&sr=1-1

Phone GPS is on all the time and constantly updates your location for a variety of apps (weather apps etc) so for it to have gone grey for 10 hours is very suspicious and likely deliberate because he surely must have left the basement for a while ? It would certainly update once he was out of the basement.

It is very easy to turn off your phones GPS https://lifehacker.com/psa-your-phone-logs-everywhere-you-go-heres-how-to-t-1486085759

I would say he has deliberately turned off his phones GPS hoping you would not notice because otherwise his location would update once he got any sort of signal.

Of course this is not 100% as nothing in life is, he could blame glitches or dead battery and all sorts but yea I think your suspicion is correct for whatever reason he has. If it doesnt update once he has left work he definitely switched it off because GPS is an essential part of any smartphone and it's normal functioning and your phone screams to share it's location constantly with the network

Famous Elie Wiesel quote: "The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference." (https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Elie_Wiesel). I don't know if I would / will ever be capable of feeling the kind of hate I have for her towards someone I never cared about. I try to be indifferent but find it almost impossible.

Your gf cheated on you with your friend and came running back w/her tail between her legs b/c he rejected her. You’re her Plan B. Don’t ever be someone’s Plan B. Plus she’s just going to bail on you w/the next guy who doesn’t turn her down. Trust that she sucks. Reclaim your self respect, ghost her. No contact is imperative for your recovery & healing.

i’m so terribly sorry this has happened to you. I’m gonna paraphrase my own past post, you *will* move past this. By 24 I had met two loves of my lives and was engaged to a third (not love of my life) and looking back, I cringe at how heartbroken I was over these bums lol. And yes I went back *multiple* times w/one of them even tho he’d shown me who he was. B/c I had a warped idea of love. I thought sometimes it’s s’posed to be painful if i’s *twu wuv* and that his constantly coming back to me was b/c I was so amazing, which I was (and am), but it was mainly b/c he knew I was a damn fool & exploited my naïveté & love for him 🥴 I can also laugh at myself now. I know how it feels to cry yourself to sleep to the point your pillow is freezing from being wet w/your tears. Migraines from dehydration & hunger due to no appetite or thirst. Be gracious to yourself, this was a double betrayal, the person you would turn to from being betrayed by your bf, and the person you would turn to from being betrayed by yor bf, those ppl worked in concert to hurt you. You can’t imagine the pain will lessen. But it does. With time. And you’ll make new bffs. All relationships come to an end, we just assume it’ll be due to death, but your relationship w/these two bottom feeders has met its end now. Chapter is done. Move onto the next in your life. NO Contact w/either of them is essential for your healing & recovery. Consider therapy, we all need it, and your needs are acute at the moment. Best of luck to you.

OP, this is a heartbreaking read. I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. Loneliness is very, very hard to deal with. We are social creatures, even the ones who are introverts.

What interests do you have? Are there groups you could join in the hopes of connecting and making friends? Check meetup.com for you area to see what is available in your area. It worked quite well for me.

My thoughts:

Getting friends is up to you. It takes a little work, but you're going to school. It can be an "intentional thing" and you should make time for it. Meetup.com is a good place if you want to roll the dice with other people looking for the same thing.

​

This is "adult stuff" and although I appreciate a 2-year old comforting you, that's not a 2-year olds job. Try to filter it.

​

Infidelity is, unfortunately, common. Marriages survive if two partners want them to. You'll never go back to "native state" - but you can go ahead to a more mature, more experienced state and shake all this stuff off. It does take time.

​

I'll caution you with divorce. I hear "don't stay for the kids" - I moderate that with "maybe stay for the kids and to avoid a new shit show". Divorce with kids is really messy. Divorce with kids when you want to move somewhere else and you're probably not the primary child-care provider - frankly, it's probably going to mean that you're not seeing your child nearly as much. Last, all the shitty relationship problems that you're having with your wife right now, well, they still exist after you get divorced and now you have to co-parent. Plus, your ex has full rights to another "new relationship" - one that involves the child. It's just not a good situation all the way around. And I want you to at least be aware of these realities.

1. No contact - Cut all contact with ex-gf. Block her phone number and on social media.

2. Let it all out. Go through all the emotions .

3. Read this and follow [this](chumplady.com) blog.

4. Keep yourself busy. It’s a good to revisit an old hobby (or pick up a new one). An Idle mind is going to places it doesn’t need to.

5. Exercise/ hit the gym regularly.

6. Talk it out with a therapist (and/or friends and family).

7. Maintain a daily journal. Make sure to put down what you are grateful for every day.

8. Rinse and repeat all the above, till you reach the point where you enter “grateful that ex-gf is not in my life. Life truly is better without her”, in your journal.

Forgiving What You Can't Forget: Discover How to Move On, Make Peace with Painful Memories, and Create a Life That’s Beautiful Again https://www.amazon.com/dp/0718039874/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_glt_fabc_QJRE3WA9PZ7NF5TWG50D

How is that possible if they work together?

He needs to read this book.

Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743225503/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_HH6J2Z00N8TGNH2XT8CY

OP,

"She did ask the next time they talked if he had any more dreams, he said still waiting for pictures" Not necessarily putting on the stops more like stocking the coals.

"I asked why she never mentioned him and she said she thought it would have bothered me. " Is that all the respect she has remaining for you?

"I asked her how she would feel if this was me and the shoe was on the
other foot and she said she would hurt (she knows she's cheated), but also says I am making
something out of nothing. )gaslighting and trying to brush it under the rug"

To answer your question on the title "Yes", she was having or in the makings of an emotional affair, No you are no making a mountain out of a mole. Her ex is/was quickly gaining making ground - you might want to let her know IC might be good for her and maybe reading too. This needs to go at 100% No Contact, and if it happens again or someone reaches out from the past and she doesn't feel it's important to be transparent then there's more work to be done.

https://www.amazon.com/Herpes-Blitz-Protocol-Destroying-Powerful/dp/1982967919/ref=sr\_1\_1?crid=W2VO4S81DFM5&keywords=herpes+blitz+diet&qid=1639977821&sprefix=herpes+blit%2Caps%2C208&sr=8-1 There is a cure for herpes! I cured myself of herpes in 2018. I have been off medication ever since and have had no out breaks.

Your reactions are normal, and even healthy.

What kind of relationship has no foundation of trust? Sure, you snooped, as many of us did. But we did so to find answers to growing suspicions. And you found out.

I advise you to do the following, sequentially:

1. talk to a lawyer. It doesn't commit you to divorce.
2. Serve him divorce papers. It still doesn't commit you to divorce, but it shows him you mean fucking business.
3. When he asks you what the heck is going on, tell him you know about his affair and why he is withholding intimacy from you.
4. He will demand to know what you know. Do no tell him. Just tell him you know he's cheating.
5. See how he reacts. If it's truly remorseful and he says he wants to fix everything, have him order this book: https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X/ref=sr_1_1 It's a tough love book that will tell him just how badly he has screwed everything up and what enormous work he has ahead of him, should you decide to give him another chance.

Have him really try for three. Tell the counselor he needs his "homework" for when he leaves. Have him listen to this.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/How-to-Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-from-Your-Affair-Audiobook/B00AWEL238?source_code=GPAGBSH0508140001&cvosrc=ppc%20cse.google%20shopping.192854940&cvo_crid=167186479893&cvo_pid=43266138452&gclid=CNHr54qt0NwCFcOoZQodw_ULGw&gclsrc=ds

Read! Audio books are great. (I'm a 54 year old guy married 30 years. PM me if you want to chat).

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair

https://www.audible.com/pd/Self-Development/How-to-Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-from-Your-Affair-Audiobook/B00AWEL238?source_code=GPAGBSH0508140001&cvosrc=ppc%20cse.google%20shopping.192854940&cvo_crid=167186479893&cvo_pid=43266138452&gclid=CNHr54qt0NwCFcOoZQodw_ULGw&gclsrc=ds

First, congratulations. You did the hardest part.

You're at the bottom. It's time to pull yourself up.

You need to go and do when you don't want to go and do... At least for a while. MAKE yourself go do 1-2 events.

Meetup.com is great.

Contemplate what it is that gives you a feeling of satisfaction. For me, it's building things. And the "things" can be anything from learning a new song (I play guitar), building stuff for the house, writing software, etc.

Do you like to be outdoors? Plan some walks around where you live. Do you like to socialize? Check out meetup.com, take a class in something that you find interesting, etc.

​

One thing to do that I would make mandatory is some form of exercise - running, lifting, martial arts, etc., especially since you are doing intense training for work. I find that doing something intensely physical really helps after pouring a lot of mental energy into something.

​

You've been dealt with a s#it sandwich my friend. I would say the first three steps if there is any chance of reconciliation would be.

1- She should tell his wife as proof of her commitment to Reconciliation, if not you should definitely do it.

2- Quit here job.

3- You should have open access to all her txts, etc. Installing a secret key-logger should do the trick https://xnspy.com

Remember kids are no reason to stay together, and moving forward you should take care of yourself, stop drinking and go for a run instead.

Good luck.

Install a keylogger to her phone. https://ikeymonitor.com should do the trick moving forward. Once installed and set the icon/app becomes invisible in her phone screen. You'll be able to check any activity from all apps including images, gps, etc from your personal computer. Once you install the app on her phone, you login via your computer to your account and can check all the activity on her phone. Can't remember if it recuperates deleted messages. I believe DrPhone will do that for text messages not sure it will work for other apps.

As far as confronting your wife. WAIT! You need to first do your homework. Lawyer up (quietly) so to understand your options and understand the potential battleground you'll be getting into. Things like changing passwords to EVERYTHING! Email accounts, bank accounts, money market, retirement, phone bill, etc, etc must be done together with moving 50% if not all the money from your savings to a new personal account and have your paycheck transferred.

I have no idea what sort of relationship you have, but having all your conversations recorded is a good idea. Last thing you want to deal with is her accusing you of being abusive, etc, etc.

Get all your ducks in a row first.

Good luck.

​

I'm so sorry you're in that position. Unfortunately you can expect a long time of intense rollercoaster emotions as you process & get through this. Please listen to these podcasts, I think you'll find them validating.

And whether you decide in the end to stay with him or not, please read this book. It's an excellent read for you right now and she tells you exactly what to look for in a truly remorseful spouse who is reconciliation material.

Sorry, brother. I'm afraid that you are about to have your nuts handed to you in a sack once she gets a lawyer and files on you after she and he figure out what they are going to do. You need to read this - https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Hell, DM me your address and I'll pay for it. Not being mean. But your way too nice and your not thinking about how she ever thought that this wouldn't destroy your kid's life. I don't think she's as nice as you think. I think like most of us here (and that's why we're here) you put your SO on a pedestal and overlooked all the flaws. Good luck.

This looks promising: https://www.amazon.com/Borderline-Personality-Disorder-Relationship-Codependency-ebook/dp/B016HALED8/ref=nodl_

This is very succinct: https://www.borderlinepersonalitytreatment.com/bpd-dating-moving-on.html

Talk to the post office. You can also just write return to sender on all of the mail of hers since she no longer lives there. Here is a stamp to help you out. All of the important mail will have - return service requested.

Once you get through the bulk, (you can bring it back to the Post Office) you can just leave the one or two at a time in your mailbox to be picked up by the carrier.

Just block her on the phone. Change locks and the garage door remote code.

Do come back and let us know how the EMDR went and if you think it was helpful.

The only advice I offer is that acceptance and forgiveness is a very complicated matter to navigate. Much more so than people imagine. Many self help books are too spiritual, religious, wishy-washy and lacking in actionable information. This book is none of those things. It lays out and dissects your choices, what conditions must be in place and what needs to be done to successfully put this behind you.

At least then you’ll have a roadmap to your destination. Not everyone can get there together, but it’s better than no map at all.

u/a-million-dreams
1) You are not a fool. You trusted her and she betrayed that trust. That makes her a cheater, not you a fool.
2) Tell her you love the person she pretended to be. The person who swore to love and honor you. The person who swore to be only with you and no other man. Tell her that you do not even know who she really is, a woman who would betray not only her husband but the father of her child, she also betrayed your child by sacrificing the marriage for her selfish wants.
3) IF there is to be successful reconciliation it will require that SHE do the work. The marriage did not fail, she failed the marriage and it is on her to rebuild it. DSaive is 100% correct. You may also consider having her read https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair-ebook/dp/B004ZG6UF4/

4) You as a couple do not need marriage counseling. MC would have been appropriate when she was considering cheating but it is too late for that. She needs individual counseling.

You are not crazy.

If he wants a relationship with you he needs to be taking major steps to prove himself to you including discussing his actions whenever you ask.

He should start by reading https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

It’s most important for you to focus on getting support for yourself and creating a safe and soothing environment. By safe, I mean that you need to be aware of what kinds of boundaries are important for you to have to help protect you from additional pain and strategies to implement for soothing when you have those moments where you are experiencing triggers. There is a lot of helpful information available in my book The Trust Solution, which is available for free on Amazon unlimited. You can search for the book on Amazon using this convenient link. Take good care!

There is helpful advice to dealing with the confusing emotions you are experiencing during this very painful situation in my book, The Trust Solution, which is available for free on Amazon unlimited. This resource will help you to formulate a clear plan for moving forward and for getting your needs for soothing, safety and support met over the coming days. Here is a convenient link.

Cheating in a Nutshell

Can't say I read that book but I am friends with someone online who went through a particularly painful cheating experience and he always recommends it. I trust his wisdom.

Purchase this book. Both of you read it.
https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

You do not have to decide to reconcile or divorce now. You have a lot to process and that takes time. It would be best if you physically separated for at least 30 days. It will help you heal, become emotionally calm and better able to make decisions on your future.

Has she suffered any consequences for her actions? Do you passwords to all her electronic devices, phone computer, pads etc..?

What has she actively done to help you with the pain of betrayal? What has she done to restore trust? What has she done to prove she won't do it again?
Find a book like this and both of you read it. https://www.amazon.com/Help-Your-Spouse-Heal-Affair/dp/145055332X

Call a family lawyer, get a temporary custody agreement, contact the school and inform them of the situation ask for the school counselor and ask them for recommendations for a family therapist. You can do this right now since most teachers and counselors are in and getting the schools ready.

Do not leave the martial home until your lawyer gives you the all clear. If she wants things done so badly, she will need to legally get the documents to get you out of the house.

This book and many others exist out there to help kids with the transition. Try to keep it age appropriate. Kindle has free trials so definitely read them ahead of time to make sure you're comfortable with the information given.

https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?adgrpid=56358543579&dchild=1&gclid=EAIaIQobChMItoqR-PH88AIVAh-tBh2R7weMEAAYAiAAEgKnOfD_BwE&hvadid=274731011974&hvdev=m&hvlocphy=9027668&hvnetw...

There isn't a way but to go through it.

For me journaling helped, it's not so much a journal but a novella of pain and depression that lasted 13 years. It helped me make connections and see things I ignored before.

Getting it down on paper helped me get it out of my head.

I also burned a fair bit of the memories of the relationship. Watching photos burn was rather cathartic.

Also, I'd recommend a book.

Leave a Cheater, Gain a life. - https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

I especially recommend the audio book as the narrator is perfect.

https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?adgrpid=55689229603&dchild=1&gclid=CjwKCAjw7J6EBhBDEiwA5UUM2iHLyqXBPWoFXDpzkmI1rZdSWsvsKwVF4RLeBS2RODNOlPk3Lh3i0xoCNYMQAvD_BwE&hvadi...

Read this book. Seriously it is an eye opener.

Yes. They do these things on purpose to encourage that behavior so they can turn it back around on you. I've been working through this Gaslight Recovery Workbook It's been great in helping me identify what my ex did and my reactions and how I can move forward.

I am glad you are going to get help. There are also a lot of online resources in the meantime. Dr Ramani on YouTube and FB is wonderful. She has several videos on Gaslighting and narcissists. Sarah Speaks Up on FB is a great page for inspirational messages about healing from mental and emotional abuse including gaslighting.

Ultimately you have to decide if you want to try and reconcile.

First, Is he remorseful? From your story, it doesn't really sound like he is.

Second, what would it take for you to trust him again?

We trust people to different degrees. We trust that the Post office will deliver our mail. We trust that restaurant workers aren't spitting in our food. We trust family friends to water our plants or care for our dogs when we go on vacation.

We trust our partners with a lot more, our hearts, and a chunk of our lives.

Trust is easily broken and hard to repair. So what would it take? Knowing each other's phone passcodes Looking at the screen time usage regularly? Turning on location sharing so you know where he is at all times? A voice-activated recorder in his car?

These are all things people have done to "rebuild" trust. To me, they sound like the trust is gone and they are policing the life of the WS.

Third, there are 7.9 Billion people in the world. Do you want to be with the one that you have to watch like a hawk so he doesn't go to massage parlors? And have to police his phone for Apps?

Fourth, Can you forgive him? Can you look at what he did and let that anger, disgust, suspicion, and trauma go?

I recommend checking out this website: https://www.chumplady.com/

And consider getting her book, especially the audiobook version, the author is a straight shooter so you may cringe at parts but it has a lot of truths that will help you process and give context to the whole situation.

https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

> Alas, I opted to stay for a while to ensure it was really over. The spare bedroom sucks; I'm looking forward to getting a decent bed again.

All the extra room isn't bad either.

Another book I'd recommend is "Cheating in a Nutshell" it's a good follow-up book to LACGAL. It takes a more scientific approach to explain cheating with lots of examples. Sadly there is no audiobook though.

https://www.amazon.com/Cheating-Nutshell-What-Infidelity-Victim-ebook/dp/B07XJRCM6D

It's normal. It sucks. Each day gets a bit better.

You're mourning the death of the life you built with that person.

So be angry if your angry, Cry if you're sad. But take care of yourself.

Remember to eat. Remember to exercise. Take a sleep aid if you need it. And keep putting one foot in front of another. Eventually, the wound will scar over and just be your asshole ex-wife.

I recommend this book, especially the audiobook version, the author is a straight shooter so you may cringe at parts but it really helped me.

https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

I'm sorry you're going through all of this. It hits everyone and it always sucks. You're not weak for this hitting you hard, it shows how capable you are of loving someone. Something your spouse will never be capable of.

Make yourself eat. Make yourself Exercise. Take supplements to sleep if you need to. Get a good therapist, it might take time because most are nitwits.

And get this book, it will help you put things in perspective - https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

If you're into audio books, I recommend that version, the narrator is perfect.

> I am a complete fool. It's so obvious in hindsight. He was in love with her the entire time.

I know those feelings, I know all about my STBX's ex, their first AP, their work spouses, the drug reps they had a crush on, the professor they had a crush on when they were going back to school, their brother's friends they had crushes on, their final AP.

They had the gall to tell me that they didn't respect me, They had the gall to tell me they didn't love me for the last 11 years and they fancied themselves in a "modern" relationship without love. They agreed to be in a committed relationship. They agreed to go to marriage counseling but never put in the time.

They are selfish and having two people compete over them is more of an ego boost than having a life with one person.

Their empathy is broken, They are narcissistic - everything is about them.

It's a game only they can win because they'll never play by the rules. The only way we can win is by walking away.

> I am done mourning. It is done, it is over. I am moving forward.

If you find yourself thinking of reconciling at 2 am, or just want to put thins in perspective I recommend this book - https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968

I'm sorry you went through all of that, but at least you know who she is now.

It seems like you need to put some structure to all of that and answer the question "Why?" I recommend the book "Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life" - https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968 it'll help with that

LOL - Kellogg’s Coco pops

Its laughable now but back then it was my first small step back to being the real me again after years of hell

Here you go, buy on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Kelloggs-Coco-Pops-550g/dp/B00MWVLLTO

You've probably already been pointed here https://www.amazon.com/Leave-Cheater-Gain-Life-Survival/dp/0762458968 if not you should read it. It will clarify that what you're going through and what you feel aren't new and that how you saw your relationship was probably not the reality. Give up on the why - you'll never get an answer that truly makes you feel any better.

The truth is she was never who you thought she was and the sooner you recognize that you'll see her for what she truly is - not someone you could have loved and trusted to have a long-term relationship with. If you look at the stats - you'll find that she'll probably cheat on him at some point. Or he'll do it to her. Regardless they deserve each other.

You also have to stop pain shopping. Block her on SM, and lose her number. The longer you hold on to this the further you are from finding happiness elsewhere and with someone else. You need to get a hold of yourself and move on. If your looking for revenge then realize that the best revenge is to move past her and live an exceptional life.

Focus on work, making new friends, or reconnecting with the old ones. Move somewhere you always wanted to visit. See if there are positions in your current line of work that you could transfer to. You've spent almost a 1/4 of the time that you two were together grieving. If she tries to come back or reconnect - DON"T. It will just be worst the next time she lets you down.

Go find yourself. You won't find "you" - grieving for her. And remember that "ideal" image of what you thought she never existed. You met the real her when you found out that she cheated on you. Do you want to spend any more of your precious time on this planet wasting it on a persona that never really existed? NO! Good luck and godspeed my friend.

Hi Biggysmalls

Obviously I do not know if you have been cheated on or understand how PTSD can develop from being cheated on. I suggest you read a very short book (title below). It will give you a better idea of what is needed to heal from an affair. Two to five years, if things are done correctly and with some good professional affair counseling for at least your SIL. SIL needs to understand why she would betray her husband on a deep level. She needs to "get it" in order to have remorse (feeling your brothers pain).

I assume she cheated cleaning houses and she still cleans houses! WOW massive trigger for your brother. Poor man, be a good sister and show him empathy, if there are no children get him out of the ish he is living in. I think you may be taking the wrong side in this struggle.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful

by Linda J. MacDonald, Tamara Marston, et al.

I found out that in my 13 year marriage, he had one 3 year affair, one 1.5 year affair and another 1.5 year affair. After I found out I kicked him out. We had been separated for about 4 months and then started working on our relationship again. With individual counseling, marriage counseling, and him getting diagnosed with a mental illness and treatment of his mental illness has helped us substantially. We are about a year into working through our “new” marriage. I still don’t trust him. And my being “in love” with him is being built from scratch. But he has done everything right to fix this marriage.

What he has done: 1. All his friends that knew about the affairs, high fived him for it, are no longer his friends. Your wife cannot have the same friends who were complicit in these affairs. 2. His tracking is always on his phone. I can see where he is at all times. 3. His phone is always available to me to look through. I don’t. But I can if I want to. 4. He has to continue with therapy and with his medication. 5. He now participates in all household activities and chores. He does every kid event. 6. I take ownership of things that I’ve done. Yes, he’s the one that precipitated our marriage’s destruction. But although I didn’t “cause him to stray” he had a lot of pent up animosity of things that I had done. We had to work through them. 7. He read this book like once a week. For a month. I read it too. It was a great guide to move through this. It wasn’t until he read it that he realized how much damage he had done to myself and our kids. It didn’t sink in until he read it.

Here is a book where they specifically address having to deal with betrayal and forgiveness when the perpetrator is deceased.

Amazon link

I hope it will be as helpful and enlightening to you as it was for me.

> You would think that would provide some relief... It doesn't.

Before being cheated on I would have been surprised. But not now.

Your situation makes me think of a specific book: Amazon link
There's a significant section in it about dealing with betrayers who die before the betrayal issues are settled.

It's the best book I've read by a very wide margin. I tend to be analytical, so finding grounded insightful books hasn't been easy.

Amazon seems to have a bunch of useful looking devices.

This one looks really nice: https://www.amazon.com/LandAirSea-Waterproof-Magnetic-Personal-Location/dp/B06XVZ6Y4T/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?dchild=1&keywords=Hidden+Gps+Tracking+Devices&qid=1610436885&sr=8-5

All of them seem to require a subscription. Good luck OP.

This is why you never trust your SO's friendships with members of the opposite sex, ever.

Read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley P. Glass Ph.D https://www.amazon.com/Not-Just-Friends-Rebuilding-Recovering/dp/0743225503/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=not+just+friends+by+shirley+glass&qid=1608494931&s=books&sprefix=not+ju&sr=1-1

This book was practically written for you:

How Can I Forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To

Amazon book link

It specifically addresses how to handle unresolved issues with the deceased.

hello, I have CPTSD from trauma throughout my life and have intrusive thoughts and images. I recommend this book. It really helped me. Sorry for what you are going through.

Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts: A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts A CBT-Based Guide to Getting Over Frightening, Obsessive, or Disturbing Thoughts

Winston PsyD, Sally M., Seif PhD, Martin N., New Harbinger Publications

Heres a link to a voice activated recorder:

https://www.amazon.com/Recorder-Activated-Recording-Capacity-Recordings/dp/B07ZRMHGWH

Buy it on a new account and have it delivered to a friend/family or, Amazon Locker.

Put it under his car seat, on voice activate mode.

Cheaters protect their phone but not their car keys. Or you can place it under his passenger seat when you two drive somewhere together. Just drop it down the side.

If you still dont have anything with the car recorder after a few weeks, you can also do what someone else said and simply demand to be given their phone but they may be deleting everything.

Have you ever heard of attachment theory? I found it to be incredibly helpful for me. This book really helped me learn about myself. I have an anxious attachment style, and it's why I feel the need to cling onto my significant other. It might be helpful for you to learn what your attachment style is as well as your partner's, and maybe learn more about some of the patterns within your relationship.

Maa Man!
Happy to hear it started working for you!

If I may ask: What did you try that worked? (You don't have to answer that if you don't)

So now remember, work on yourself to be the best version of yourself, and every thing will fall into place!

Athol's book will talk about women testing and shit testing, One book that will focus on women testing and will help you a great deal to understand women behavior and how to deal with it is this:

What Women Want When They Test Men - By Bruce Bryans

This book will be a huge eye opener for you, and shocking!

You will understand female behaviors, and why they act out on you, and how to handle it like a boss and be in control of the situation (knowledge is power and with women it's really exciting and fun), again don't let your wife know you reading this one too! You will thank me later ;)

After constant practice, and understanding the relationship dynamics between men and women, you will have a happy fulfilling life with your wife, the wife you love so much!
You need to show your emotions in a manly masculine way to be extremely attractive to your wife (it's not what you see in the movies - it's all lies), when you do she will need you like a drug (talking from experience)!

Remember: understanding relationship dynamics between men and women is the key!

If you do it right (and you can, it's not very hard), and understand what Athols and Bryans talk about you will have an exciting fun life with your wife until both of you get old walking with sticks ;)

She had an emotional affair, maybe you can overcome this by a lot of work, but Your main problem is that the guy is a 20 min drive, so was it just emotional ?!

The big problem is the fact that All emotional affairs (EA) with physical proximity become physical affairs (PA), so was it only emotional?!

You have no idea unless you maybe do a Polygraph exam (Polygraphs are not %100 accurate)!

These are the facts we know (be it emotional or physical):

• She doesn't love you enough to be faithful to you.
• She doesn't respect you enough to be faithful to you.
• You were not man enough for her to be faithful to you.
• She doesn't value you enough to be faithful to you.
• The sacred marriage vows mean nothing to her to be faithful to you.
• She doesn't have enough moral values to be faithful to you.

Now I ask you these questions:

• Is she a safe partner?
• Is she the best you can do? Can you do better?!
• Do you know your value and deserve better than her?
• Did she face any consequences for what she did (her family and yours and her friends know about it)?
• Is she doing the work to make you feel safe with her?
• Is she worth reconciling that will takes an average of 2-5 years and the outcome is not guaranteed?

Now you know what she is capable of, sit and think, is she worth it? Is wasting years reconciling with her worth it?

Or maybe the years spent reconciling is better invested in building something new?!

Only you know the answer!

You are in a very dark place now, so start with this: Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life - By Tracy Schorn

It will help you clear you mind and see things more clearly!

Brother, I wish you the best, you deserve to loved and respected, at the end don't deny you self true happens!

Yup. I get that.

Honestly, the best way to get over that is volunteering. When you do good for others, you feel better about yourself.

I even read that in a book about homeless outreach. I mean, we aren't homeless, but even without a roof, the best thing given to the homeless was the sense that they still have something to give. Lemme see if I can find the book... someone gave it to me.

Yup, it's on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Drink-Perishing-Transformative-Outreach/dp/0692837302/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1531505696&sr=8-1&keywords=bergstresser

I think that making it less about us and more about doing seems to help a lot.

She sounds very trustworthy. I suggest reading a book on regaining trust...even though she did nothing wrong. Or therapy. Really. I think there is something else going on in your mind. It sounds like you were cheated on before.

While Amazon has several books on regaining trust, I can't personally recommend one. This one looks good and an easy read or listen.

Bob's Burgers Damn Dirty Lies Loise Belcher Coffee Mug https://www.amazon.com/dp/B013ERLMC0/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_0TzICb2253KKW

I just searched amazon for "louise mug"

I think her level of snark might be just right for an angry SO lol :)

People could send this one after they lawyer up too: Bob's Burgers Louise Glass Mug with Removable Ears https://www.amazon.com/dp/B075FG2C74/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_5XzICb34KN0AT lol

>I resent him a bit for not leaving her ass and using me as an excuse to stay.

As someone in a similar situation, you might want to cut him a break. Whenever there's conflict, I believe it's important to never lose sight of who the asshole is. There can usually only be one, and while you disagree with how you dad handled it, he's probably not the asshole here. Reserve your vitriol for those who truly deserve it.

There may well be other factors that coerced him into staying. Depending on the jurisdiction, ruin from divorce can range from a risk to an almost certainty. Some fathers get put in jail because they cannot meet an impossible support payment schedule mandated by a crooked court system.

But let's suppose he really was simply a coward who was too scared to act. If he was otherwise loving to you and tried to do right by you, this seems forgivable and not bitterness that should warrant permanent condemnation. There's an amazing book on forgiveness you should consider reading. It will apply to your dad and it applies to infidelity. I cannot think of many books that are life changing, but this is one.

The book Mending the Soul helped me to understand why I felt so bad about myself when it was my wife who cheated. It's written from a very religious point of view so it might not work for everyone but it helped me quite a bit. https://www.amazon.com/Mending-Soul-Understanding-Healing-Abuse/dp/0310285291/ref=sr_1_7?dchild=1&keywords=healing+the+soul&qid=1600408568&sr=8-7

https://www.amazon.com/Influence-Psychology-Persuasion-Robert-Cialdini/dp/006124189X/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=influence&qid=1599009193&sr=8-2

also

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/NXIVM