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I see that you are a young man with an inquiring mind! I go into the five aspects of chaos in my book available for order here, as well as the 17 reasons why only tryhards choose Tau.

I think you're right. Your logic follows that masculinity is an illusion too.

Otherwise, you have to believe in some kind of biological essentialism, i.e. "That's just the way men are."

I would recommend "Testosterone Rex" as a good read on why biological gender really doesn't mean much for any of our innate characteristics.

We need parents to see this as important. Unfortunately, if all the parents saw these conversations as important, they'd be having them with their children themselves.

A lot of parents think to themselves, "I want to impart MY values about sex to my kids". And that's fine, except they usually don't. The fact that we're thinking about using the school system as a backstop for preventing sexual undereducation says a lot about American society.

A great book about this phenomenon is Red Families vs Blue Families.

The simple answer is that there is positive male media out there, just not Men As Men. Like, Batman is a dude. Groot is a dude. Ethan Hunt is a dude. All those are dudes doing cool dude shit as dudes.

The more complex answer is that, on a place like Medium, there's not a whole lot of value that's going to come out of broad "male defense". Like, what specifically are you looking for? "Congratulations on not catcalling women"? "Thanks, men, for generally existing without murdering people"?

Like it or not, humans tend to be negatively focused. It is probably an innate survival instinct. So you're going to get a dozen times as many "men, stop doing thing!" articles as you will "men, thanks for doing thing!" articles.

Just to add you might want to check out the book Wanting: The Power of Mimetic Desire in Everyday Life by Luke Burgis it comes out in a week and a bit. But I think you're absolutely correct, people's desires don't arise in a vacuum.

https://www.amazon.ca/Wanting-Power-Mimetic-Desire-Everyday/dp/1250262488

https://www.amazon.com/Daring-Greatly-Courage-Vulnerable-Transforms/dp/1592408419

this book does that. it's the long, in depth version of the very popualr ted talk.

I highly recommend it for ......everyone, really. but in particular people who think being vulnerable is showing weakness, and that they need to be "tough" instead.

This is a blessed article. I've wish-listed his books on Amazon.

• Man Alive: A True Story of Violence, Forgiveness and Becoming a Man
• Amateur: A True Story About What Makes a Man

When my daughter was about 12 I got her a copy of Vaginas: An Owner's Manual. The book was a great resource for her, and in fact she just gifted a copy to someone else (she's in her 20s now). You might want to pick up something like that.

For the birth process, I found Penny Simkin's The Birth Partner incredibly helpful. During the first year, I also got a lot out of Baby 411.

(Lady type here) Other folks have posted great resources for non exploitative sources of material, but I just wanted to pop in to say it’s awesome that you want to stop supporting that kind of thing. But don’t think you have to straight up quit porn or jerking off. Google for some sex-positive comics- one amazing compilation by some very talented artists is Smut Peddler.

Might I recommend Green Toys? They make a "mouse house" that my son loves. It's also made in America and out of recycled material if you're into that sort of thing. It's gender neutral down to the packaging.

I've personally spent a lot of time on Less Wrong, but... I do have to admit that it's kind of an insular place using their own made-up jargon to promote strange ideas. Overall I approve of it and don't put much stock in the usual criticisms, but I wouldn't direct people to it if I wanted to convince them of anything.

Instead, I'd direct them to the book Thinking, Fast and Slow. It's just as accessible as Less Wrong's better-written posts, it covers a lot of the same stuff, and it's written by someone with the credentials to back up their claims.

And best of all, it includes regular examples that demonstrate your own biases to you. Examples like this, where you can actually catch your own brain making a mistake, are more likely to get through to someone who doesn't believe in, say, racial or gender bias.

Boys and Sex.

https://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2020/01/the-miseducation-of-the-american-boy/603046/

I wasn't amazingly impressed with the book as a whole. As someone else pointed out, it's a rather limited demographic mix (largely upper-middle class guys in America. There's a lot of lacrosse and crew and...)

And the book didn't place much of any focus on the pressures men/boys face from women. I kind of felt that the author's own POV kind of swamped the boys' voices. Your mileage may vary.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07RFLTCD8/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_3YUbGbSGKGF3F

I'm poly so kind of "always on the market". This is something I and others consider, maybe not aloud. This is a great question. For me, it's about being my genuine self and displaying my passions. Whether it is kink, sport, gaming, camping, writing... people in general and women a lot like passion. THE relationship book I recommend to any and every one is: https://www.amazon.com/Missing-Piece-Meets-Big/dp/0060256575

My clothes, my language, my actions all reflect things I'm passionate about (soooo many nerdy shirts). Confidence is also usually a large factor. My nesting partner believes I'm a caring person, but also just enough of an asshole. A strong person doesn't have to flaunt strength or respond to every challenge, just be mindfully decisive. Take in information, examine it based on your past and what you know, and make a decision.

Or at least those are some of my ideas very early in the morning. Cheers! LOVE this question, hope it blows up.

I remember Michael Kimmel has written a bit about male sexuality. His Men's Lives (co-written with Michael Messner) has a chapter dedicated to Male Sexualities with essays ranging from sexuality to pornography, etc. The other would be The Gender of Desire: Essays on Masculinity, which also includes an essays on bisexuality from a sociological perspective. There are a lot of references in both books, so you can enter the rabbit hole from there.

Something a bit less about sexuality but about the sociological perspective on being gay would be the works of Didier Eribon. His Refléxions sur la question gay (or Insult and the Making of the Gay Self) is a highly fascinating read about how our social relationships and our class form who we are, not only in terms of sexual orientation but in general.

Agree! My family had the classic children's book <em>Where Did I Come From?</em> around the house when I was a kid, which I think was good.

But my parents were very late in talking to me about puberty stuff. When I was 12 or 13 in the 1990s, I clearly remember them sheepishly handing me some cringeworthy book with literal 70s teenagers in flares rollerskating on the cover. I already knew so much by then so the book was never opened.

Thanks for this book recommendation. This is actually quite helpful for a conversation I’ve been having with a friend lately, who also sometimes needs some assistance in our society.

They updated the book to be more relevant to the digital era we now live in. I just purchased it and hope it can help me to help my friend. Thanks again for the advice.

We received The Expectant Father as a gift when we were expecting our first. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember what was in the book, but I do remember the reassuring feeling I had when I read it.

So... it’s probably down the alley of what you’re looking for

I think a really important part of this (and something that was brought up in the article's comments) is how to figure out when to show each side. The obvious advice would be just to "be yourself", but even in relationships where there's a good degree of emotional openness and trust, it often feels (to me anyway) that there's one "right" answer -- there's a time to be open/vulnerable and a time to be tough. In other words, you still don't really have a choice at a given moment even if, sometimes, you are allowed to show the tender side. Not always this way, of course, but I've certainly had that experience before.

Another thing that comes to mind is that it's really, really hard to get to the point of trust where "tender" becomes OK, because there's a lot of risk: will my partner be supportive and still accept me, or will this drive them away? And even if one's partner consciously says "it's OK, you can be open with me!", their subconscious often isn't.

I'm reminded of this comment from Metafilter's "men's version of the emotional labor thread" back in August. I think it really captured the difficulty of trusting that one can really be open well.

I cannot recommend enough a book about Emotional Intelligence or EQ. Men when viewed thru the lens of toxic masculinity tend to be unable, to talk about their emotions and the only acceptable emotion is violence and anger. Even though I'm a woman, while I was going thru therapy post-divorce my therapist mention I had stunted EQ that reminded him a lot of the men he saw in his practice. He is the one who got me started on increasing my EQ.

This is the book I am currently reading about it.

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07N69F1W7/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_d_asin_title_o00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

It sounds like woowoo but practising tantric sex feels incredibly bonding, sensual and loving. Its supposed to have some good health benefits for men and help with premature ejaculation as well.

My SO and I aren't experts in it or anything but we tried incorporating some tantra in our foreplay and its been a success lol. Feels great, meditative, reduces anxiety and puts you in the moment. Might feel a little awkward to start but it was great for me.

Not sure what book to recommend because we mainly used online resources but there's this one Tantric Sex For Men by Michael and Diana Richardson that I've been thinking of buying.

Sorry if this isn't what you're looking for.

Edit: also wanted to link to another comment on this sub with some progressive sex positive resources

This comment

So in some parts I understand where you're coming from. Self confidence and being content in my own image are just two of the things that I've gone through as well.

With that said the first thing I would recommend is decide what kind of man you want to be. Be specific. Don't be paralyzed with the idea that "I want to be opposite of my father." I don't know him but while he may have had misogynist traits he may have also had good traits. You need to decide who you want to be. I personally like the values espoused in Brett McKay' book "The Art of Manliness." You can get a used copy for about $6

https://www.amazon.com/Art-Manliness-Classic-Skills-Manners/dp/1600614620/ref=mp_s_a_1_3?ie=UTF8&amp;qid=1544877546&amp;sr=8-3&amp;pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&amp;keywords=art+of+manliness&amp;dpPl=1&amp;dpID=51xTH7S40TL&amp;ref=plSrch

Second would be to surround yourself with men of that character. If you practice faith see of your local church has a men's group. If not find the man among your friends you believe embodies the character traits you want to emulate and spend time with him.

Third, set yourself goals once you determine who you want to be. Strive to improve your habits daily. Do some research on Ben Franklin's 13 virtues and his quest for moral perfection. (Bonus: if you get the book I linked theres a whole chapter dedicated to it).

As an aside and if you're open to it there is a faith based series that was transformational to how I viewed my role as a man. It's called "Men's 33" and it completely changed my definition of manliness. It has a LOT of very pertinent info in it even outside the lens of Christianity. I would encourage you to look into it as well.

If you want to discuss any of this feel free to send me a message. I'd be more than willing to help in any way I can!

Hmmm... I do get where you're coming from, but you have to remember that porn is by and large created for men. Big dicks are a spectacle for men to watch extreme sex acts. Porn does not reflect what women want.

Additionally, many women don't use massive dildos. This is the one my friends rave about: https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B07X9VSFYP/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_glt_fabc_60MD2VZPV0P7WQRAQ6F9

That being said, size does often matter. But so do MANY other things. You think women don't see 1000 things about themselves every day that they think men would prefer to be different? Realistically, you're not going to be the 100% ideal man for a woman. But women look at a man as a whole human being, not as a collection of individual parts.

John Ibson's book Picturing Men (2006) is a longer discussion on this photographic record, also bringing in work, class, race, changes during the world wars.

There is beard-specific shampoo and conditioner. Generally better because regular hair products can dry out a beard too much, which may be some of what you are experiencing.

I've bought two sets of this and its fantastic: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B07JL8QYPW/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o01_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

Caveat that it's the only brand I've bought so far, there may be better products I haven't tried yet.

Also beard butter is awesome at keeping the beard soft overall which seems to help with the skin care too. I use Fresh Beards brand.

>But I won't ban it

So do you agree with banning FGM types that are similar or less severe to male circumcision in the west?

>And personally I think once roughly 20 percent of circumcised men can't orgasm I think we can have the equivalency talk. Men do not suffer from the agony of painful sex like women do on average too. My sex life has not been affected. Some women have their vagina sealed shut until they are sold off to a man. It feels insulting to me.

You see what you did there? You are comparing effects of circumcision done in the west under very sterile condition to effects of FGM done in the wild in Africa. This is a disingenuous comparison.

Most FGM done in the west is similar or less severe than MGM(in west), so one is banned, then the other should be too. Do you have any idea of the number of botched circumcisions in Africa? You should compare FGM in africa with MGM in africa. ALso look here

Supposedly there are newer therapies/drugs that really do immediately help with depression. Maybe read about small ketamine injections [under physician supervision only!!]. That and various psychedelics/mushrooms? However those are not ready for professional use yet. https://www.webmd.com/depression/features/what-does-ketamine-do-your-brain#1

> misogynists using women's rights as their excuse for islamophobia

I said the same thing. And that's a really old trope. You can look back at lynchings after the Civil War and see how many were justified by the idea that black men were sexually assaulting white women. Ida B. Wells' Southern Horrors is really worth reading, because there are a lot of similarities to contemporary issues.

I find it interesting that you used the word "convince" here. Afaik, Soviet men never had a choice. They never had an opportunity to be convinced and join the army, they were just ordered to the front. The Soviet Union tried to build up its military as quickly as possible after the Molotov-Ribbentrop pact, and even then, they still did not have the weaponry to fight off the Germans. The army was also lacking in training. What they didn't have in weapons and training they had in numbers with the men that were drafted to the front. While the Germans still had the upper hand, they were short on men vis a vis the Soviets. German troops eventually were worn down, stuck in the Eastern front during the winter with faulty supply lines. The Soviets had the advantage that they could just send more and more bodies to the front regardless of the number of casualties.

It has been a while since I last read Stalingrad by Antony Beevor, but it is truly shocking the amount of men that the Soviet Union sent to the front to basically just die and wear down the Germans troops until they surrendered. So yeah, I think in the case of the Soviet Union and the Eastern front, they could only win due to the draft and to an absolute lack of concern for the lives of their own troops.

Ok, so what are you meaning when you say emotional. Because I know society thinks that men are more aggressive and angry.

If we're talking strictly in the broad spectrum of emotions (all emotions) then no men are no more emotional than women. Do I think men hide their overly expressive emotions except for anger? Yes. There are many studies talking about men's restrictive emotionality (https://www.academia.edu/2371633/Mens_restrictive_emotionality_An_investigation_of_associations_with_other_emotion-related_constructs_anxiety_and_underlying_dimensions)

I run a lot of men's therapy groups, and the common theme reoccurs time and time again is "how to be assertive and not aggressive." How do we say what we need to say, and get what we want, and have people understand what our needs are and respect them. That in relationships (all types of relationships) is huge. And that requires emotional acceptance/understanding (meaning understanding nuances of emotions, feelings of confliction), emotional negotiation (because even though emotions might tell you to do something, is that the something that we want. Ex. Emotions might say "drink more it'll make you feel better"), and once you have those skills, emotional trust and then emotional communication ("I feel like this right now, and I want to do this, how do you feel about that?"). That's some hard shit right there. Very vulnerable, but very rewarding once it becomes a standard for you. Unbinding what we have learned for years of our life as a man regarding emotions can take time and practice. Just like how to years of eating like crap can't be solved by one day of eating healthy and going to the gym. Time and practice.

Then after that it's all communication skills, understanding trauma, understanding privilege, etc etc. and that can take some time as well.

Understanding masculine gender norms, and breaking free of them take a lot of courage and strength and applaud you and support you on your journey.

Err, perhaps "heavy lifting" is a better descriptor. My point was simply that more mechanical tasks, and tasks requiring more strength, and by extension a lot of the labor outside the home, were relegated to men by traditional roles (which, to be clear: I reject) because men were valued for their skills in these areas -- but being valued for these skills tends to reduce men to a sort of conditional valuation (weak men are worth less, clumsy men are worth less, less intelligent men are worth less, a man's worth is determined by his providing for his family, etc.). This conditional valuation is problematic. That's all I'm saying.

I don't think I'm the only one to observe this, either -- there was a really insightful comment (edit: maybe also this one) in a Metafilter thread last year that captures this same issue, for example.

I recommend every single man on this planet to read it. It was one of the most eye opening books I've ever read and completely changed how I saw the world and myself. Sure, there's a few attributes that didn't quite fit for me, but on the few that did, I just paused and was absolutely shooketh.

If anyone here has even an inkling that they might have some Nice Guy tendencies, please please please buy it. You will not regret it. I wish I read this book when I was 18 or so, but what's done is done. I'm glad with where I'm at right now and that's partially due to this book. Read it.

Here, I even got the amazon link ready for you. https://www.amazon.com/No-More-Mr-Nice-Guy/dp/0762415339

Edit: Oh and make sure you actually do the exercises that he asks you to do. Just like with Dale Carnegie's How to Win Friends, it becomes pretty obvious when a reader actually follows the instructions as asked

Leadership was horrible at the pack and den level.

For example our den leader frequently showed up completely unprepared. I remember on the day we had to teach the kids to fold flag. I had to read the directions to the den leader. That was the day I discovered he couldn't read.

Our pack leaders were absolutely terrible. Their son was in Boy Scouts and from the beginning they made it obvious that would be there priority. They would never schedule anything, would frequently cancel meetings, the parents would try to get hikes and such together and they would get upset. When we went to fall camp (I forget what it is called now) the pack leaders abandoned the pack to stay in an RV. I ended up having to help the pack setup tents, make a fire, etc since I was the only person with experience.

The one hike we convinced leadership to do was Pinnacle Mountain here in Arkansas (https://www.alltrails.com/trail/us/arkansas/pinnacle-mountain-west-summit-trail). The parents warned everyone to bring plenty of water since it was late August and still hot. We had multiple kids show up without hydration. The pack leader made a big deal about his camel back but he only brought water for himself. I had brought several extra water bottles thankfully. It was 102 degrees when we started the hike and I had to help one first grader whose parents were too out of shape to come and he started vomiting on the way down.

Everything went this way, it was obvious the leadership was not invested. The final straw was at the end of the year the pack leaders announced they were leaving and named our terrible den leader as the pack leaders for the following year. I had tried to step up throughout the year but was firmly rebuffed.

The year after we left, the pack completely fell apart and is now defunct.

Sorry if it is a bit disorganized but I have a lot of frustration from the experience.

> No need to obsess over being "A man" if you are a person who happens to be a male, if you be yourself you will eventually be a man.

I would argue that this is a rather new and geographically limited perspective of a definition of manhood. I personally agree with your perspective (and think that this perspective is quite common in our community). I think it's also important to remember that across many cultures, there is often a pressure placed upon young boys to conform to whatever hegemonic masculinity their society ascribes, regardless of the type of masculinity they value.

Bruckner's own words, "The world over, there is a sense that manhood is precarious; that it is something that must be earned over time, yet can quickly be taken away," reminds me of C.J. Pascoe's ethnographic work on Fag Discourse in American public schools. Super interesting and relatable piece for me, having gone through all of my education in American public school settings. That piece can be found here: https://www.academia.edu/7066433/Guys_are_Just_Homophobic

Ok, so from what I can gather each IMD has a theme, and this years' is "Expanding Reproductive Options for Men".

http://internationalmensday.co/2015-theme/

A few things that spring to mind for me, although they are more the lobbying route of dealing with things:

• Lobbying the Obama administration to add provision of men's contraceptives to Obamacare, as currently the only contraceptive options provided for are women's ones.

https://www.healthcare.gov/coverage/birth-control-benefits/

Given that men will most often use a condom this isn't a massive issue until some kind of male pill or near-equivalent is on the market. But this still doesn't cover things like vasectomies, Vasagel (is that available & approved yet? Who would approve it? The FDA? Surgeon-General?). It is also rather interesting in my opinion that society will have quite low expectations of men providing their own contraception, but can you blame them when they aren't getting any help from the welfare system in the way that women are?

• Discussion of, and ways to support/fundraise/crowdfund for research going towards new contraceptive options (Vasagel, male hormonal contraception etc).
  

> But Adria Richards didn't, and that's an interesting contrast which can only be explored if you are willing to be a little more nuanced than he was.

Given this quote, it's pretty hard to feel sorry for her:

>“Somebody getting fired is pretty bad,” I said. “I know you didn’t call for him to be fired, but you must have felt pretty bad.”

>“Not too bad,” she said. She thought more and shook her head decisively. “He’s a white male. I’m a black Jewish female. He was saying things that could be inferred as offensive to me, sitting in front of him. I do have empathy for him, but it only goes so far. If he had Down’s syndrome and he accidently pushed someone off a subway, that would be different… I’ve seen things where people are like, ‘Adria didn’t know what she was doing by tweeting it.’ Yes, I did.”

https://www.theguardian.com/technology/2015/feb/21/internet-shaming-lindsey-stone-jon-ronson

I think Andrew Yarrow's book, Man Out: Men on the Sidelines of American Life, is fairly well received; and he's got pretty solid liberal/progressive credentials. He also published an article in the Washington Post a few years back that touched on the same subjects, entitled "Why progressives should stop avoiding men’s issues."

Granted, he's talking about why the issues should be addressed by progressives, so it's not quite the same as demonstrating that progressives, in fact, fail to address these issues. Nonetheless, he wouldn't have written the article (or the book) if progressives were actually addressing the issues "head on"; so the article does support the proposition that progressives aren't really "dealing with" men's issues.

Big Ups to you for doing the work on yourself. Most people just jump from relationship to relationship without healing completely and growing.

The book is called Running on Empty: Overcome Your Childhood Emotional Neglect by Jonice Webb. https://www.amazon.com/dp/161448242X/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_kNOxFb9F0ZD5S

One thing I see mentioned by sex educators is that there shouldn't be any singular The Talk. Rather, there should be a continual dialog that evolves as your kids mature and have new questions. There are age-appropriate resources for this if you look around... eg, the &quot;It's Not the Stork&quot; series has three books aimed at 4+, 8+, and 10+. The first one of this addressed a lot of questions my daughter had when she was in the 5-6 range when she started looking for actual answers about reproduction (having graduated from &quot;Who Has What&quot; for understanding the names / basics when she was younger).

Related, the book On Tyranny: twenty lessons from the Twentieth Century by Timothy Snyder is worth the $6 and a read through.

I like Tea with Alice

She's an ex-lawyer turned stand up who grew up Buddhist, and is very much into talking through issues fully. It's not strictly what you're looking for, but she always interviews someone interesting, and she's had very frank and open discussions in the past about mens issues, feminist, and consent. She rides the gambit from wacky fun to very serious topics.

I think parents can have a bigger influence on kids than you're giving credit for. It's clear you see things differently than some of your family does -- so if it comes up, be open with your kid about that! "Some people think only girls should do laundry, but in our home everyone helps out, because it's the nice thing to do!", etc.

One other thing, too, is that I think kids can be pretty perceptive about how their parents really feel about them, and sometimes beliefs about kids can turn into self-fulfilling prophecies -- if you set a high bar, a kid will rise to meet it, but if you expect a kid to be a bit of a jerk, or fail at something, then they'll follow suit (if you don't believe in them, why should they?). Some of the phrases you use like "so many men have these traits" and "bound to happen" and your concerns that he'll become sexist or whatever might create an environment where he grows up feeling like he's under suspicion, or always on probation, or something like that. He hasn't even been born yet and he's already possibly in trouble! (Edit: I'm sure you mean well, of course, but I just wanted to point out how it may be perceived.) I'm reminded of this comment about how boys are sent messages that they're "naughty". Probably one of the most important things you can do for your son is to not assume he'll be "bad". But anyway, from your original post it sounds like you're very aware of this framing/bias and working to shift it, so I'm sure it'll work out fine!

One of the things we do is have a variety of books on the subject available to both of our kids. This includes college anatomy books, my wife's pregnancy books, and more age appropriate books like Sex is a Funny Word and It's Perfectly Normal. If we notice the kids reading them we gently engage or ask if they have any questions, and when topics around sex or growth come up, we try to plainly and neutrally talk about them.

Advice forums always get clogged up with answer after answer after answer.

OP, I think the biggest answer is that you lack practice. Which is perfectly okay. By practice I simply mean talking to women and dating them. And I'll say it again, this is okay.

Just like every skill, you must practice conversation. You may be introverted or shy, but the only way to get better at conversation is to have conversations. Read books on conversation like Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People. And apply what you learn in your daily life.

Here are some of the books I recommend that deal specifically with Engaging men and boys and understanding masculinities:

• "Masculinities" or "the Men and Boys" by Raewyn Connell
• Models by Mark Manson (strictly a dating book, but gives you a good look at being vulnerable in dating)
• Exploring Masculinities by CJ Pascoe (expensive by i love CJ pascoe, also look at her paper called "Dude, You're a Fag" about how the word fag gets used to police men)
• "Breaking the Male Code" by Robert Garfield
• "Guyland" by Michael Kimmel
• "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" by bell hooks
• "Indigenous Men and Masculinity" - Cariou and Justice (more into Canadian Indegenous look, if you're into that)

In Fiction, I legit recommend anything by Junot Diaz. That guy has the notion of vulnerability and what hegemonic masculinities does to men down to poetry. "Drown" or "Oscar Wao" or "This is How You Lose Her" are just amazing.

Also if you just want to dive in to some research specifically on men and boys in relation to gender violence I recommend the list by Shift from the University of Calgary. I use these papers extensively. For instance this paper on the value and importance of fathers (http://www.preventdomesticviolence.ca/sites/default/files/research-files/Why%20fathers%20are%20just%20as%20important%20as%20mothers%20in%20prevention%20of%20domestic%20violence.pdf)

Check them all out here: http://www.preventdomesticviolence.ca/content/research-library

I really appreciate your thoughtful response.

From what I've seen, CTS2 addressed some of these concerns and yet studies using it still find parity or moderate asymmetry. Even in studies that investigated the context and initiator of IPV found symmetry or moderate asymmetry.

Even when looking at motivators like power and coercion over a partner, parity is found. This last bit is the entire premise of the Duluth Model, yet studies have shown that women exhibit no more, and no less, of this behaviour.

Here is a pretty interesting look at why some studies report parity while others report nearly trivial rates of female perpetrators.

The most reasonable assumption is one that IPV perpetration rates probably aren't too different than rates of general crime and violent offenses, which puts female perpetrators around 35%.

This makes sense if you consider common causes for violence like psychological and behavioural disorders and substance abuse, something the Duluth Model completely ignores.

> [citation needed]

I'm not familiar with any other applications of patriarchy theory, and the Duluth Model is pretty old, so I figure it's one of the first attempts.

> Also, I'm unsure what you mean by "patriarchy theory" as that's not a term that's really used a lot in my neck of the woods. I mean, I see it online sometimes, but rarely in any sort of formal academic setting.

I'm happy to take this as an admission that the Duluth Model was not founded on any academic research.

Does anyone here play Brogue? I've become a massive fanboy about it. It's one of the best designed games of any genre I've ever played. The mechanics are all fairly simple and easy enough to understand, but they interact in really interesting and fun ways. Also the interface is refreshingly clear for a roguelike. If any of y'all have never played roguelikes and are curious about them, Brogue is a great starting point. I recently introduced it to my girlfriend who never plays roguelikes, and now she's addicted to it too.

Yeah your mom's wasn't your partner but that's still abuse by an intimate isn't it?

I'd like to give you the same advice I give everyone when I find out their parents weren't awesome at parenting: check out Pete Walker's book on Complex PTSD.

Also here's a shorter article so you can kind of get the gist.

I'm as cis as they come, but even I found things to relate to in the article. The strategy I've adopted to deal with the scary situations the author describes is different from what he chose but they end up being the same result.

I do my best to appear as a low-value, high-risk target. I dress down, I often smell of sweat (thanks judo club without A/C) and I will meet the eyes of anyone who I feel might move on my space. It's sort of the "hiding in plain sight" stealth strategy, but it works.

I've never like shooter games. I always felt they were graceless.

>The way men behave in stealth games feels closer to what I hope my own masculinity is: thoughtful, adaptable, aware of myself and my effect on the world around me. Shooter masculinities close off possibilities, make an enemy out of the world; stealth masculinities place me firmly in the world and let me nurture it into something new.

This is closer to my own ideal as well. The Art of War says "If you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles... if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." If you strategy revolves around overwhelming every opponent you meet you will quickly be overcome.

There's a lot more to being a man than the super simple "HULK SMASH" mentality that some other games portray. Fortunately this sub seems friendly to those kinds of discussions.

I think it was Upton Sinclair.

On his writing of The Jungle, in American Outpost: A Book of Reminiscences (1932): > 'I used to say to our audiences: "It is difficult to get a man to understand something, when his salary depends upon his not understanding it!'"

I'm not sure how accurate this is, but a good friend just posted it to Facebook, and I found it really interesting: https://theintercept.com/2016/01/31/the-bernie-bros-narrative-a-cheap-false-campaign-tactic-masquerading-as-journalism-and-social-activism/

Perhaps this is what you were facing? In which case I'm afraid I'm not sure what the best way to respond would be.

I'd slip in that if you are that often stereotyped person (implied poor Black boy/teen/man). It is okay to live as you choose to live, acknowledge your experiences, talk how you talk, have whatever name you have and not feel embarrassed nor ashamed for it. Just as you (OP) should not feel ashamed for who you are, how you talk and your experiences. People who actively and continually take lengths to make you feel bad for being who you are, are clearly people you don't need in your life. Whether you are the only Black kid at your school or are a Black kid who's having Black-internal respectability politics shoved down your throat.

I'd also add in to your closing this. Growing up around mostly Black people. Any bullies I encountered where also Black so if they wanted to hurt someone's feelings or belittle them anything (what you liked, your skin tone, hair, family) was up for grabs. Or if they weren't bullies and just making off-hand comments and observations, as kids do. I tie it to those specific people and move on. If someone is feeling like that or feeling generalized about Black people in particular, yes even if you too are Black, consider how society influences these generalizations at large. Consider and question why you may feel this way and make generalizations (stereotypes) over tying it to those specific people you interacted with. Think about the reasons for this and material conditions around it, because these topics are well studied within Black Studies and how it interacts with our daily lives and yes, our identity. The Man-Not covers a great deal at length specifically with how society specifically interacts with, shapes stereotypes and thus the lived experiences of Black Men and Boys.

Muahahaha yesss the first step in my plan to TAKE OVER THE WOOOORLD

In all seriousness, thank you so much! I find that being genuinely interested in mutual benefit often gives you both the advantage and the moral high ground in a conversation. :P

>Adapting your style of speech can be crucial for people in certain circumstances. You can see this knowledge as just the right tools you need to accomplish that, but it's so difficult and exhausting at the same time.

It definitely can, especially when starting out. A couple of years ago I was in a class on negotiation and conflict management that introduced me to the excellent Getting to Yes, and I think I'm going to try a self-post on it sometime this week. A lot of the tools that therapy and soft skills training teach us are scoffed at, but they are often invaluable.

>If you feel it's appropriate to share, could you please expand on this? Especially if there are specifics regarding her language.

I'll ask her. We keep talking about breaking it down seriously but logistics are against us. She's been really busy lately with her new job and I live in a different country now so we have mainly just kept in touch through heart emojis on Facebook posts. :/

Many sources list him as 5’7” but you never really know. Let’s split the difference and call him 5’8” like this WebMD article does.

https://www.webmd.com/fitness-exercise/features/iron-man-workout

Poor dude had to bulk up for Iron Man and then immediately drop weight for Sherlock...

I think this this Dr Nerdlove article will be right up your alley. It is very considerate yet got me extremely excited about the dating world upon reading it and I think that is exactly what people want out of people like you. I am very happy to link you more exciting and considerate material if you like that. We all need confidence boosts with this stuff from time to time.

I also think part of this comment is pretty relevant.

>yes, you'll be read wrong sometimes. Yes you'll get rejected, yes it might be awkward. All these things are like XP in games - you take some hits but you gain experience along the way. > >Don't let this ongoing cultural conversation chase you off.

All people want is for you to be mindful while learning this stuff. Everyone has their fumbling awkward first steps in to dating. They're awesome, they're scary, they're fullfilling, they can be harmful but the more mindful you are the less likely that is. All people ask is that you pay attention as you lumber on through. Make apologies when necessary, don't hate yourself for making the mistakes we all made but don't let yourself off the hook either. You got this. You strike me as the kind of person who has the mindset to be mindful while navigating the amazing mess that is dating.

Just started listening to this audiobook; read the series years ago, looking forward to recalling the visualizations

https://www.audible.com/pd/The-Callahan-Chronicals-Audiobook/B002UZN5YG

Thanks for responding so positively!

Yeah, I get your reserve about it. At the low end, teaching about sex as something people do to express love, not just making babies, is a good thing I think. And appropriate education depends heavily on life stage.

There are also some great resources out there about age-appropriate inclusive sex education (often from LGBTQ organisations, unsurprisingly). Books aimed at LGBTQ teens are often pretty great (remember a lot of these kids can't count on family support or resources and rely entirely on non-school non-family third parties). Librarians are great for finding these kind of resources.

A decent random example of a book that's inclusive and directed at the right age level would be this one: https://amazon.co.uk/Lets-Talk-About-Teens-Relationships/dp/1984893149

Basically what it's best to avoid is the idea of 'well my son would only need the gay aspects of the talk if he turns out to be gay': there's no point in someone coming out at age 15 (or 17, or 19) and being ignorant up to that point. Or, worse, miseducated by their friends and the casual homophobia that's so common. For a lot of us growing up, the idea of sex between two men was a punchline or a topic of disgust.

Like, even if they're aware of the fact that people in any gender combination can be in love and have sex, and that sex isn't just for making babies (terrifying fact: a lot of kids are literally never taught that most people find sex enjoyable and have it for reasons other than procreation), then you've laid a good foundation.

One of the things I had to do was learn when I was really anger vs sad. Being sad wasn't acceptable but being angry was. I also had to learn I could be both at the same time. The emotional state isn't binary, and more than two emotions can be driving the car at the same time. The thing that really helped me was increasing my Emotional Intelligence. A key part of that is naming your emotions. I recommend it highly recommend working on your emotional intelligence. I have had fewer outbursts the more I have worked on my EQ.

This is the book I am really right now.

https://www.amazon.com/Permission-Feel-Unlocking-Emotions-Ourselves-ebook/dp/B07N69F1W7/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&amp;keywords=emotional+intelligence&amp;qid=1610220929&amp;sr=8-6

I (dad of a now 8 year old boy) found the book It’s a boy! quite interesting and useful.

Main thing I learned is that my son and I can have amazingly deep and emotionally connecting conversations, but that they need to happen during physical activities for him to really open up and let his guard down.

Hey dude, lots of great advice here. I sincerely don't mean this to sound condescending, but I'm gonna say it anyway: you're still young. Things are going to change, some for the better, some not. I know that you know this (from reading your comments), but it can be said again. At 18 (I'm 36) you don't need to have everything figured out, including who you "are." I though i did, and i was so wrong. Then when I was 28 i thought i had it figured out, and was wrong again. Now I'm pretty sure I don't, but I'm also pretty sure most people don't either, and the ones who say they do or act like they do are often full of shit.

I don't envy the social pressure that folks your age are under. I fully admit that I don't know what it's like to come of age during this era. I do know that you gotta be who you are. Don't like one-night-stands? Cool. Me neither. Don't have em. Sports are fine, I guess, but if you don't like them? Cool. Anyone who thinks you're less of a "man" because of who you are is an asshole, and isn't worth your energy (easy for me to say, i know).

I don't know if that's helpful. You're good, bro. Be good to yourself and be good to others. That's as manly as you need to be, in my opinion.

Last thing, check out Meditations by Marcus Aurelius. Some good advice from a strong dude.

Thought at first this was related to Dr Harper's "Unfuck your Intimacy". Haven't ready a ton of it yet but it wasn't just limited to men, although it does touch on the societal pressure for men not to express their feelings in ways other than humor and anger.

I think meetup.com is a great resource, though depending on what city you live in, you may get more or less mileage out of it. There are definitely meetups (where I live at least) that aren't so much centered on a specific hobby (I, like you, find that my hobbies change a lot, so I'm hesitant to form new friendships based on them). There are also many people using apps like Tinder just to find friends, because as an adult, it's honestly the easiest way to encounter a bunch of new people. I would try Meetup and Tinder, and just be honest. Say you're looking for friends to build a relationship not based on your hobbies exclusively.

The good news is that there are probably way more guys now who are open to what you're describing and who see the importance of these types of relationships than there were in years past. I love this sub so much and r/bropill because it's really talking about issues that affect men without trying to blame them on other groups of people or without trying to demonstrate that men have it "worse" than x group of people, etc. I think attitude is enormously important when it comes to dealing with whatever struggles you have in your life, so it's encouraging that more and more men are starting to be more intentional about taking charge of their life/mental health/relationships etc in a way that is genuinely empowering rather than in a way that simply "looks" super masculine.

>Trans-masc person here. How can I form male friendships that aren’t completely superficial?

Not sure if this is gonna help, but even us cis-het men struggle with this. So on the bright side you're getting part of the authentic modern masculine experience. yay!

On a more serious note, I feel like the strategy to find people your looking for is similar to advice I give people trying to find romantic partners: It is, in part, a numbers game. The more people you get exposed to, the more likely you are to find a good match (In this case, a guy open to having a platonic, vulnerable friendship). You also want to get people likely to fit those qualifications.

So, frustratingly, that means socialize as much as you can. Definitely find interests that are compatible with in-person social interaction. I think some people have good luck using meetup.com and other similar websites for this (I don't have personal experience so I can't vouch for any of them). Shared interests, though, can be really valuable for getting people to open up and will help to increase your chances of finding future close friends.

And, for what it's worth, your struggle and frustration are valid. What you're doing is hard, it can be challenging to find people you mesh with and can open up to. Socialize when you can, but don't hesitate to take time for self-care when you aren't up to socializing. Best of luck!

Agreed with everyone else here, you may find the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" helpful--my husband's father sounds a lot like yours and that book made him feel seen in a big way.

You mean a Hitachi/Vibratex Magic Wand Original like this one?

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B000K8ALI8/ref=ox_sc_act_title_1?smid=A3DNQM0U0UJJE&amp;psc=1

If you live anywhere with USA style 110/120v electrical outlets and you want to have sex with women you should get one.

On her back, you inside her, her knees over your elbows, the head of the Magic Wand on low against her clit while you are thrusting slowly, lean over and kiss her and you can control how hard the magic wand is pressing against her clit with your pelvis.

I have yet to meet a woman who didnt enjoy this, and you get to enjoy some very solidly enjoyable secondary vibrations as well.

If you want a different "form" of toy there are a variety of testicle-based toys that don't hurt (despite occasionally having potentially-scary names like ball-stretcher) that give a hands free "cupping the balls" feeling even during solo play

When I got fired this is the book I was given by a friend: https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-Dummies-Branch/dp/0470665416 It may seem kinda silly, but it was my intro.

Most everything after that was online material, though I did go to a therapists office seeking advice for how to do this on my own. I don't remember getting much out of the therapist that I didn't get out of the book. From what I understand now, the reason I didn't get much out of her is because a therapist can help normalize things for you, or see things you're not. The actual process of CBT is pretty rote.

Friends were another good resource; CBT forces you to try to manage situations with logic. The only way I could decompose something I'm emotionally invested in is to write it down. I'd ask friends whether they'd been in particular scenarios, had similar thoughts, or how they'd dealt with them.

There’s a lot, actually. This is a good one:

https://www.amazon.com/-/es/John-Holt/dp/0201484021/ref=pd_bxgy_img_sccl_1/139-4175613-2583816?pd_rd_w=iVYg5&amp;content-id=amzn1.sym.7757a8b5-874e-4a67-9d85-54ed32f01737&amp;pf_rd_p=7757a8b5-874e-4a67-9d85-54ed32f01737&amp;pf_rd_r=JTBC43QM26PP54W...

https://www.amazon.com/Stanley-47-400-Magnetic-Stud-Finder/dp/B0000BYD3K/ref=dp_fod_1?pd_rd_i=B0000BYD3K&amp;psc=1

This will pick up nails in a wood stud. Get two in the same stud, draw a vertical line.

100 year old building is probably plaster though.

I think this article is making a broader point on the invention of "normal" and "natural" as political or culturally hegemonic. You can see the same arguments in binary gender (non-western cultures with more than two genders exist in contrary to dominant binary narratives) or race as a relatively modern invention. Indeed, The Invention of Whiteness is a topic than tends to get people's hackles up instantly; that italians and Irish and Poles were only white past the 50s; that whiteness is something that ethnicities within the united states seek to become. And that prior to modern times, this "racism" we talk about as common -- people talking about tribalism as natural, therefore racism must be natural -- ignore multi-ethnic Roman empire or the simply evolutionary psychology supposition that a species largely evolved to usually dealing with nearby tribes-- cousins at best-- could have some in-born racism.... against people who look just like them.

Heterosexuality as default may very well be a projection of modern behavior and politics onto an actual sexual spectrum a lot looser in its definition.

Even more nuanced, apparently men and women engage in garden variety violence at roughly the same rate in intimate relationships. Where men are apparently more aggressive is in a form of violence known as coercive control. (Source below)

Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life (Interpersonal Violence) https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00VQVNCES/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_2QM1RHKMQ3WY0H534E0T

If you're comfortable talking about it with random strangers on the internet (lol), can you go into some more detail on what you mean by "didn't succeed" ?

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In the meantime, if you're interested, DM me your address and I'll have the internet send you a copy of https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-surprising-transform/dp/1925228010/

Social Science largely tests hypothesis by treating the reality around us as the experiment, and understanding the causative relationships between variables since it isn't practical (or ethical) to isolate them, then using multiple analysis to inform each other to draw comparisons between scenarios where variable X is present and where it isn't, and then drawing enough comparisons to effectively control for variables. Its a lot like looking at an experiment and say, identifying how uncontrolled variables distorted the results, and comparing it to experiments where those same variables, but differently set.

In other words, there are areas of study where the scientific method has to actively be adapted because we can't distill the questions into a form suitable for a lab, so you need to do your variable isolation on a different level. That's why sociologists have a pretty good handle on things like, gun violence in America, because we have plenty of examples to compare it to, and plenty of examples to compare each of those examples to to control for the effects of each of those factors.

To discuss the validity of it, it isn't enough to simply compare it to the hard sciences, you have to actually go back to epistemological basis for the scientific method, and work out whether these adaptions actually create meaningful invalidations. Largely, given enough accurate data to work with, the results of the social sciences should be sound (or as sound as the hard sciences anyway.)

But also, I recommend this book for anyone who needs to understand gender from a biologists perspective.

In the middle of <strong>Saladin</strong> by John Man, a biography of the titular figure and "great man of history" (I use that term half-jokingly).

I was intrigued by the historical figure after watching Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven. I noticed in the youtube comments of clips from the movie how many arabic people venerated Saladin, so I thought I'd get to know him more.

It's a light read. The author has a stereotypically British dryness to his tone and witty observations. I haven't found Saladin himself as intriguing as I thought I would -- he's turning out to be just another "well-educated conqueror" that unfortunately many historical figures get diluted down to, but the wealth of insight I've gained regarding the near east, such as the supposed origin of assassins, role of templars in the region, the Arab's surprisingly complex relationship with the Franks (or Farangi), fraught relationship between the Arabs and the Turks, and the Byzantine Empire has more than made up for the somewhat disappointing insights into Saladin himself.

So overall, enjoying it.

&gt; can't relax

Years ago, my cousin had a destination wedding in Cancun, at a small resort (we basically took up the whole place). I remember very distinctly complaining to my brother "these places aren't for me, I'm so bored, I need to be active."

My brother replied: "These places are exactly for you, because they force you to relax."

He was right; I "forced" myself to relax, and I did, and when I got home it lasted until I deliberately choose to un-relax myself (about 3 months).

I realize "go to a tropical resort!' isn't necessarily feasible; nowadays I DIY by taking one of these and sitting under a tree, usually with a book and some tea. All I really need is somewhere peaceful to sit, something relaxing to sit in, and to have decided that I want to relax; your mileage will vary, but 100% recommend giving it a go.

PS - Congrats on good SAT scores!

Exactly.

Bring me a sci-fi scenario with AI that acts exactly (or close enough) like humans and I'll argue that they are sentient and deserve rights and that humans themselves are nothing else than complex machines anyway, so there's no real distinction in the end.

But we're nowhere even near to that right now, and anybody looking at Companion AIs and making the argument they're close to that, are fucking delusional at best and have tricked themselves into Wilsoning these apps just because that's how much they need companionship at the moment.

> but it’s the act of having to deal with it that feels good, if that makes sense at all?

It does. The act of shaving your face is a chore that just feels masc. Especially when using a safety razor, the whole thing just feels a bit barber-like. It doesn't make anyone any less masculine if they don't shave, but the act itself feel a bit like masculine self care. I like shaving for me (that's why I call it my self care time).

To me, it's a bit of a ritual. I get out my set. I put a new blade in. I warm

I definitely understand about the razor vs gillette. That's why I use a straight razor. Done properly, it's just easier on my skin. If you are feeling adventurous, try one out. This is the one that I bought a few years ago and I still like it. I prefer the control because I can't maneuver a safety razor the same.

I hope that you find the info useful, ultimately I don't care much if you do or don't use this advice^(I'm happy just knowing you'll do what's best for you). But I care very deeply that the information is made available to you.

I think you should look into a therapist, a psychologist perhaps, who does CBT or DBT.

https://www.mayoclinic.org/tests-procedures/cognitive-behavioral-therapy/about/pac-20384610

I feel like you're saying there are thinking patterns you don't want to have, and you can't figure out how to break out of them. CBT is something many people have found effective for addressing that exact problem.

Yes, there was a power dynamic present. But he is not saying that the 19 year old did not know it at the time. He is instead having certain afterthoughts about not treating the relationship seriously, and about lying to himself at the time about the reasons.

He is also projecting the course of his own short term relationship onto his daughter who may be in a totally different situation, obviously being on the defensive about it as the worried father.

It’s not a good flashback for him, I’ll agree, but I also don’t see that the quotes in the article directly support your postulate of him “taking advantage of” someone else.

In general, presence of a power dynamic between two people is in itself not a problem. It only becomes one after abuse of that power dynamic through manipulation, lies and the like. If both parties are consenting and enjoying it, it’s not a problem.

Also, let’s not act like only one of these two people has an agency in the situation. Here is a study of about 20.000 Germans that shows that German women have an accepted partner age of up to approximately 10 years older than themselves, no matter their own age.

EDITED: For accuracy and spelling

You can use Cloudflare for free SSL (and additional security if you want). It's really easy to set up too: you just do the Cloudflare "setup wizard" with your domain, and then log onto your domain provider to change the nameservers to the ones provided by Cloudflare after the wizard.

NS changes can take a while to propagate, but everything works in the mean time so that's not really an issue.

bell hooks wrote this(among other amazing works) incredible book that I have seen referenced in here often, "The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love" link here: https://www.amazon.com/Will-Change-Men-Masculinity-Love/dp/0743456084/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=the+will+to+change+bell+hooks&amp;qid=1639589658&amp;sr=8-1 I'm really hit hard by this. I read so much bell hooks in undergrad. This is quite the loss.

We live in the culture we create for ourselves, nothing is set in stone, culture changes all the time.

I would question whether your friends and yourself are truly attracted to gender. Try opening https://thispersondoesnotexist.com/ and asking yourself if that person is attractive to you or not (refresh the page to see a new picture). All of the pictures on this site are AI generated, none are real people. None have gender.

Gender doesn't inform attraction, the presentation of a person and their biology does. I think that you have misattributed attraction to gender because it's easier, but gender is just a descriptive social construct, people still exist without it.

https://castbox.fm/vb/26510646

Here u are!

The entire series is excellent - they have a beautiful mix of male and female scholars giving their input and everyone is so polite and never deviate from the topic. Very impressed with the podcast. Excellent for when you're cleaning at home.

As terrible is may seem, we could begin by treating male victims of sexual trauma with a suspicion and caution. We can do it compassionately, obviously it wouldn't be fair to bully or stigmatize male victims, but we can encourage them to be introspective about their unconscious biases. At the end of the day, Men are afraid that women will laugh at them. Women are afraid that men will kill them.

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Victim-and-victimizer%3A-the-role-of-traumatic-as-for-Rasmussen/467dd7ffff9d15cbc37328051fed555e7307b2ea

Yeah, it sucks, I'm Spanish myself and the lack of Spanish-language commentators on these issues is honestly jarringly lacking. You would think being the second language of the Internet would mean there would be cool people out there, but apparently not.

In any case, have you considered simply giving him some LeftTube videos that have Spanish closed captions? He should be able to watch them that way (and practice English in the meantime!). I think most of the main videos of ContraPoints, PhilosophyTube, etc. are fully subtitled. You can also get articles in English and then have him translate them using DeepL, which is the current best in machine-learning translation.

Anyway, ¡buena suerte a ambos! :)

I used to write prolifically, and then that all changed as my confidence in myself began to fail. Unfortunately, I haven't had anyone to talk to about these feelings. I tried speaking to my girlfriend, But she is a scientist and pragmatist, and was always looking for a cure, rather than for ways to understand. I spoke opened up to her three times, and with each passing time I felt her frustration that I wasn't able to get better.

But, with three new structures in my life, I feel as though I have turned a corner. I stick rigorously to my new sleeping pattern, getting an easy 8 hours sleep a night. I do an awful lot of exercise (compared to almost zero before), and have cut a lot of crap foods from my diet, replacing them with high nutrient, fresh foods.

Its even got me writing again. Which I had officially given up on at my lowest moment. I'm quite proud of my first short story in four years: A Beer Called Regret, which takes it's themes and focus from my own experiences. One of the main themes is Modern Male Loneliness, as I still don't seem to have a friend that I can truly open up to about this. In a way it's great that I came out of this off the back of my own inner strength. But I feel there are a lot of people out there, suffering in silence.

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If you feel like it, feel free to check out my short story here: https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/378457/posts/2641054419

I'm in the position of having to make new friends in my late 30s in my hometown because I lost my friends in my divorce. Luckily, I'm in therapy so I'm getting some good mental health advice.

/u/Lollywater I would say maybe try a different avenue? Music gigs seem like an impossible place to strike up a friendship to me. Sports leagues or gaming nights or meetup.com meetups are kind of designed to host newcomers so you might find them more hospitable.

22 year old Alex Skeel recounts the experience of being in an abusive relationship with his then girlfriend, Jordan, who is the first woman to be jailed for coercive and controlling behaviour in the UK. Alex was also the subject of the documentary Abused by My Girlfriend and is looking to fight the stigma against male survivors of domestic violence.

Needless to say, the article and documentary are hard reading at times, so just be aware. The BBC also bring to light some relevant statistics. According to the Crime Survey of England and Wales estimates that about 1/3 of the 2 million adults who experienced domestic abuse last year were men, but that only 1% of refuge beds are allocated to them. In the last five years, the number of reports of domestic abuse against men has doubled, although I personally think this might be due to increased reporting.

In any case, I commend Alex's bravery for coming forward, wish him well, and hope that his story helps embolden other male survivors to come forward .

Oops, left out the bone bit in bone strength. For clarity, Black men and women generally have more bone strength than white men and women while men generally do have more bone strength than women.

https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s11999-015-4229-6.

https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/Bone-mass%2C-microarchitecture-and-strength-are-by-in-Popp-Hughes/a346f6f6072368e2c85ee3e7ebf5f21556169985

Yes, but I think I'm using it correctly.

A book about the demystifying factors surrounding men's sexual health and its parallel effect on men's mental health: Why men fake It by Dr. Morgentaller.

I reccomend it for anyone who needs a reexamination about what is inappropriate or appropriate to think about men's bodies and the what's and why's do we do things.

One such reexamination was how women in a relationship with one of his patients treated him when they found out he couldn't orgasm or ejaculate not because the patient had no sexual interest in his partners but rather that his body wasn't allowing such a reaction under normal circumstances and instead needed sensory stuffs to get off.

Link: https://www.amazon.com/Why-Men-Fake-Totally-Unexpected/dp/0805094245

To add to this, Robert Twigger wrote this book: (Real Men Eat Puffer Fish: And 93 Other Dangerous Things To Consider)[https://www.amazon.co.uk/372/dp/075382583X/]

Which is problematic in itself. He also seems to think that manliness is a commodity that the modern world is seeking to suppress for some reason. To me it seems like he represents the average British blue collar worker who’s fed up with technology and seeks to return to the 1800s to spite progress (including Brexit). Definitely a perspective that warrants being ignored.

Good Housekeeping The Complete Household Handbook: The Best Ways to Clean, Maintain & Organize Your Home

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1588164039/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_search\_asin\_title?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

I used to work at a library when I was a teenager. I remember being really offended by this book. I could not believe that something so prejudiced was allowed.

This is why I'm telling you it's okay to take breaks. It doesn't look like you believe me, and that's okay.

Have you heard about Internal Family Systems? It's a psychotherapy which I hear really good things about and personally am using at the moment. There's a book and a website (subscription based). Feel free to look into it some more or don't. Either way is OK.

I wish you the best skippyMETS!

e: removed a sentence

Since I was going to a water park I decided I'd get a smaller/tighter suit just because I wanted to be comfortable and did not want any accidents so I got this suit right here

https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08V1QCM8P/ref=ppx_yo_dt_b_asin_title_o00_s00?ie=UTF8&amp;psc=1

The wild thing is that when i went the the waterpark I can safely say out of all the men there, I was the ONLY one wearing swim ware that goes above the knee. Everyone was in loose fitting knee length trunks.

Sociology is the study of society and social relations. That means insstitutions and economic models. And if you read my other comments i know that socialism wont erase these issues. Thats childs play. Capitalism is not money. Its privat3 ownership of means of production(factories, and offices and farms). Private property. Property made to make money. So land lords and buisnesses are capitalism. Soviet socialism had actually alleviated some gender issues under Khrushchev. Did you know Soviet union is one of the countries that legalized abortion in 1920s. Also societ union haf free childcare, and paid maternal leave. Also womrn had better sex under socialism. https://www.amazon.com/Women-Have-Better-Under-Socialism/dp/1568588909

There are faults when it comes to gender under soviet union trust me. But there are socialist nations that did a lot for women like Burkina faso under thomas sankara and bolivia under evo morales.

Also the human nature argument. Many things are human nature. Including collectiveness, kindness and empathy. But rape and murder and greed are also human nature. But these dont exist in a vacuum. Peopke become what society rewards and tells them too. Its why men become promiscuous assholes who cant use their emotions. Are men naturally this? No. Society turned them into this.

Hey everyone! I'm Justin Baldoni, I’ve been told I need to include a short bio here since many of you probably don’t know me. So here it is: I’m a director/producer (Five Feet Apart, Clouds), actor (Jane The Virgin), the co-founder of Wayfarer Studios, and now author of Man Enough: Undefining My Masculinity (It’s still hard to believe this book is out there in ther world!) But honestly more than all that...I’m just a guy trying to figure out how I can not only be a good man, but a good human...little by little, day by day. I’m a work in progress, and can’t wait to chat with you today at 12pm PST where you can “Ask Me Anything”. I apologize in advance for the typos. Oh, and if you want to check out my book here is the link! (https://www.amazon.com/Man-Enough-Undefining-My-Masculinity/dp/0063055597 ). See you soon!

Thank you! Good job on talking to your siblings with respect and modeling that for them. We are big on discussing consent, and I agree its the place to start - knowing that your body + your boundaries are valued and respected. Our family therapist also suggested this book: Consent for Kids (my kids are bit older) https://www.amazon.com/Consent-Kids-Boundaries-Respect-Charge/dp/0316457736

I liked David Benatar's The Second Sexism: Discrimination Against Men and Boys. Benatar is a philosopher from the University of Cape Town and the book is published by an academic press (Wiley-Blackwell as I recall).