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I think you know the answer, but don't allow yourself to act on it. You're afraid of committing to something you don't have control over. You're afraid of negative emotions, because you don't know how to deal with them. Your plan right now is to adjust your life to avoid negative events and emotions, instead of learning how to deal with them.

Thing is, whether it's in love or something else, like losing someone to sickness or death, or losing your job, you won't be able to escape having to deal with heartbreaks.

The only way to deal with heartbreak is by experiencing it. By knowing life will go on and achievable, even if the mountain in front of you seems insurmountable.

You could see a therapist like somebody else suggested. Some self-improvement books might help you. I suggest reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson.

Some advice I can give myself is to start putting things in perspective. How does something affect you in the long run? How does it affect you in a week, a year or a decade? Look at the bigger picture and things become relative. Get yourself to think everything is a moment to learn from, to shape you to be a better person.

Also, if your happiness depends on needing someone else, something is wrong. You should be happy in life regardless of being with someone. I know that's hard to achieve, but it's definitely not impossible if you keep working on it.

Edit: On top of all of this advice, stop thinking of yourself as a virgin and start thinking yourself as a person. The only person who really cares about your virginity is you. Be an attractive person and the virginity 'issue' with resolve itself.

Get your diet together

/r/keto /r/Paleo

Improve your body

/r/weightroom

/r/StartingStrength

See a professional for help.

/r/mentalhealth

As a person who lost nearly 200lbs and took on more of a bodybuilder physique from diet and lifting, it made NO difference when I didn't have my mental health in check. Once I became confident and carried myself with confidence, people, especially women, became attracted to me.

Learn how to talk to others:

read: https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

I went from a poor, obese, narcissistic, patronizing, asshole, to a popular, fit, and well-mannered person. It makes a HUGE difference in life. I'm a better person now. People see that and gravitate towards me.

It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single is also a great book for women who are in a low point while trying (or not trying) to date.

Every single time this topic pops up people just say the same shit.

>Get a hobby! Join Meetup.com! Just look around you 4Head!

I wish someone had experience that was off the beaten path, and was more personalized. Yeah sure you might find that special someone in that Yoga Studio that you pay $100 weekly, or you could run into that same person while walking down the street for free.

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"The only time i feel sparks is when it's not reciprocated"

Go and read up on attachment styles.

There's a Great book

I could have written your post. I'm in my 40's. I wish i'd figured this stuff out 20 years ago, it would have saved me a lot of heartache.

After reading the book and a bit of trial and error, i'm seeing a man who i have a great spark with sexually, but the rest of the relationship is calm and easy and comfortable.

Honestly, go to https://www.photofeeler.com/ and do a few tests on your photos. It lets you put a photo up and random people rate your photos based on the context you ask (dating, social and business). People can even leave stock comments (so there is no chance of bullying). It can cost money if you are lazy but if not you can earn credits (so your photo appears to others more) by voting on other people. I found that a lot of my photos that I thought were good were good social photos but not good dating photos which i found by putting the same photo up, once in dating context and the other in social. Changed the photos up a bit and I'm getting a pretty good match rate now. Just need to work on the next part.

No problem! To be fair, though, we don't really know if your recent relationships are falling apart because of this, or some other factor. But it's really something that will be important for you to work on.

There's definitely a certain aspect of "fake it til you make it" here. What I mean is, fixing your self-esteem won't happen overnight. But while you work on it, do your best not to SHOW it to your dates. Don't tell them you have low self-esteem. Don't tell them you're working on it. Try very hard to recognize when you're tempted to react to that inner voice and resist it.

For example, you're texting your date and he suddenly goes silent. If you have thoughts there of "what if he's losing interest?" "what if he's texting someone else?" etc. etc., a lot of times that sort of thing can lead you to making self-destructive decisions that really hurt you. Like, you demand to know if he's seeing anyone else, etc. Now even if he ISN'T seeing someone else, he's got it in his mind that you're THAT kind of woman, who is going to be all up in his business whether he's doing something or not. Now he's going to be on high alert looking for more, similar behaviors to confirm what he just saw. And people with that sort of self-esteem issue often deliver by doing the same sorts of things over and over. That sort of stuff can quickly cool the ardor of any guy...

I found this book pretty helpful: https://www.amazon.com/There-Nothing-Wrong-You-Self-Hate/dp/0971030901/ Quick and easy read, mainly about how to stop beating yourself up.

Good luck!

This may sound like cheap advice, but you shouldn't tell yourself that ship has sailed. I don't know what age you are, but I know two men in my circle that have gotten married for the first time in their 50s.

You sound nice and like you have something to offer. I think you should make a conscious effort to spend less time with your coupled-up friends and more time with people that are also looking to at least meet new friends (e.g. on meetup.com),

No experience required to at least make friends with some new people. You don't sound socially inept.

Throw on there that online dating is just... it's not a great game, unless you're willing to pay the service for the more quality profiles, and even then it's tough.

I paid for Tinder premium and the full Match.com profile, and at best, I get a bunch of matches from people who never respond to the thoughtful messages I send. It's not even a matter of not responding, they just aren't being read either.

Read Models by Mark Manson. If you're going to approach strangers and strike up a conversation, you will sometimes be seen as a creep. You just have to ask yourself if you give too many fucks to approach strangers. If not, great.

Buddy, you still have crippling self-esteem and carry a lot of shame about being a virgin. People have a sixth sense about these things and neediness kills relationships before they start.

I suggest you read: The Hot Guyde by Howie Reith (or Models by Mark Manson) and Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. These books are packed full of advice to unpick your problems and improve your social skills and mindset.

Best of luck for the future!

I bought some powder for my ass and balls and its amazing tbh.

Edit: Chassis Premium Body Powder for Men, Original Fresh Scent https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0167J6UVK/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_YwCPDbS03W72F

You should sign up on meetup.com they organize tons of different groups that you can join. You can meet people that interested in some of the same things you are. They have lots of groups on there ranging from sports groups all the way to workout groups.

Pick up something new!

1. Takes most of your immediate focus/attention to learn something new.
2. Fills free time with something productive/valuable.
3. You gain a skill/knowledge!

Hobbies I’ve recently picked up for ideas: guitar (I stole my dad’s old one), gardening, books (‘Think and Grow Rich’, ‘Ignorance: How It Drives Science’ by Stuart Firestein, ‘7 Habits of Highly Effective People’ by Stephen Covey, ‘Asset allocation for Dummies’), fitness/well being

Keep your head up! The dust will settle.

I don't typically comment on this type of situation, but I can relate.

I was the same until age 23, it wasn't nice, it was deeply depressing.

However, to focus on how bad things seem right now, isn't wise. Well done for sharing your story on here, that's a great first step.

The key is baby steps. You can't go from super-shy to super-confident overnight.

Here are some small steps to consider, that can get you on the path to confidence:

1. Value yourself much more than you do now.

Have a think about the positive areas of your life, spend time with people who you like and practice valuing yourself more, day by day. This is an essential part of success in any area, you must appreciate how valuable you are. This has nothing to do with money or girls, it's about you and the way you treat yourself.

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1. Practice being slightly more social than you are usually.

This can be anything from regularly asking the time or directions from strangers, to asking the girl serving you coffee how her day is going.

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1. Meet and spend time with more people than you do now.

The more people you meet in low pressure situations, the more confident you will become in yourself and the more opportunity to practice social skills and basic conversational flirting skills. I highly recommend you checkout Meetup.com and either create or join a few groups. Do it just to be social and you should meet some girls who have the same interests as you. This isn't about dating loads of girls, it's just simply socialising and then occasionally having a drink with a girl/few people from your group.

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If you do these 3 things, you will at least move closer to a happier more confident life. I'm not a life coach, I have been through this stuff myself. You can transform your life, just take small steps in the right direction.

Enjoy :)

There is nothing wrong with admitting you find someone attractive. You can ask him out, as long as you:

1) are prepared with, and okay with, rejection 2) are prepared that he may assume you want a sexual relationship 3) read the conclusions of this study and are fine with all of it: https://books.google.com/books?hl=en&lr=&id=RX_cAAAAQBAJ&oi=fnd&pg=PA51&dq=Who%27s+Wooing+Whom%3F+An+Investigation+of+Female+Initiated+Dating%27&ots=Do9-ffC8Ri&sig=IrXeBeqgfea6aZGaKIdYFczQDUc#v=onepage&q=Who's%20Woo...

Get someone to help you with your pictures and your profile. There are places on reddit for it.

You should practice just being friendly to everyone. Men, women, young, old. Put yourself in situation where you have to interact with someone. Say "Hi" to the cashier at the grocery store. Say "How is your day?" to the teller at the bank. Over time, you can just begin increasing a conversation to a few sentences. But this is where you'll have to get used to some people being receptive and some people not being receptive. It's all part of the process.

Also, join some stuff. Meetup.com is really good in many places, but using your own interests will help you find your own tribe, whether that is at comiccon conventions or the bitcoin embassy or swing dance or whatever. Go out. Know it isn't easy. Just practice saying "Hi. My name is X. What's yours?" I find telling people that I'm anxious meeting people always makes other people open up.

Being a virgin at 20 is absolutely not a big deal. I know it feels like it is and like you're missing out, but you're only 20. Relax.

Go read Models by Mark Manson. It's a book I wish I had when I was 20. It should help you to see dating, women, attraction and just life in a different perspective.

Edit: Also, start lifting. Now. This is non-negotiable.

Read the book Models by Mark Manson. The whole book is fucking gold, but there's a section in there that explains what the difference is between creepy touching and powerful sexual touching.

Seriously, read it. You can thank me when you're done.

You should start browsing r/seduction. It’s a sub fully dedicated to “picking up” women and basically getting dates and finding a girlfriend.

I’ll summarize what the sub will most likely tell you if you chose to ask the same question over there.

1) Read Models by Mark Manson. It’s sort of a non-bs approach to getting a girlfriend. It basically gets your mind straight and tells you how life really is in hard truth. You can probably find a pdf floating around the internet, if not just get it from amazon.

2) Work on yourself. How’s your mind, bad? Go to a psychiatrist. How’s your body, bad? Go to the gym. How’s your clothes, bad? Go the mall and get modern adult clothes. Work on yourself until you are confident.

3) Approach. Everyone on r/seduction will tell you it’s a numbers game. Approach as many girls as you can and eventually one will say yes and go on a date with you. The hard part is approaching. It’s nerve racking and everyone gets scared of doing it. That’s basically what the sub is for. It’s for you to have a support group to help our approaches improve and hopefully get better enough to land you a date. Go to college campuses, the mall, really anywhere and just start asking girls for their phone number.

Your weight, your athleticism, your age, that doesn’t matter man, you know why? How many men approach women? 5-10% ?

You are going to be in that 5-10%. You are going to be in that small group of confident outgoing men where looks don’t matter, you’ll realize after reading the book and browsing the sub that confidence matters.

Read Models by Mark Manson, that should point you towards a way to stop being desperate.

Fat.. Hit the gym. You don't need to have the body of a bodybuilder, but you should look like you take care of yourself.

Bald, it's not a problem at all. Own it. Be proud of it.

Aging, a lot of girls like older men. Or you can find someone your age.

Shave that mustache, it's awful. I like your hairstyle but why are you making this awkward side grin?

Sorry to break it to you but you are not ugly and your problems are all your fault. This is a good thing. It means that you can change. But you have to try and it's gonna be difficult. It's easy being miserable, it requires no effort.

Now, if you do want to change, you have to change your mindset AND apply what you learn in real life. I can give you a starting point but don't get caught up on theorizing, act on what you learn.

Helpful material:

1. Models by Mark Manson
2. The philosophy of zen (/r/zenhabits, /r/mindfulness, /r/meditation)
3. The power of now by Eckhart Tolle
4. Everything by Alan Watts, that man had everything figured out, although he doesn't give advice for specific situations.
5. Stoicism (/r/stoicism, Meditations by Marcus Aurelius)

On every subreddit, check the sidebar. There is generally a lot of more useful material there.

Finally, you NEED to have an open mind. Think critically about everything you read. No need to agree with everything but you can learn something from anything.

The general idea is to become a man with an attractive life, not to become physically attractive, but you do have to take care of your appearance. Zen/Buddhism/stoicism can help you do that and Models offers more practical advice.

Self improvement is a long and difficult journey. Here is one of my favorite poems that applies on what I said.

I truly wish you the best in life. Good luck!

Thank you very much for your comment! Bumble and match.com. I hate Tinder because it's mostly about ONS and hook ups. I've got a good profile, with real pics and some info. I have quite a lot of interest from guys on these apps but I don't really find them interesting or attractive for me, personally

You can do a lot with pictures. I recommend you keep on tweaking and testing on photofeeler.com. Dating apps are a marketing competition where good looks + good pictures wins the day. Even if you look average you can beat a lot of other guys by having better pictures than them

Sexy is different for each person. Putting your own value system on other people will keep you behind the 8 ball.

Here, read this, and then shut up with your “sexy is sexy is sexy” narrative: My Secret Garden https://www.amazon.com/dp/1416567011/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_RQMXCEQ6TYZ5PG2B08NY

Sign up for a gym and start lifting weights there. You will meet other guys there.

Go to meetup.com and search for something you like....video games, board games, tech........put yourself out there. You don't really have to put that much effort in....just act friendly and smile and eventually someone will come up to you and introduce themselves.

Those are a couple ways to meet people.

But right now you need to focus on yourself. Its much easier when you improve yourself. When you look good, feel good, exude friendliness and happiness, you will notice people will attract you and come up to you and talk to you.

I get the sense right now, obviously, that you are not confident. You are not positive. You keep talking about all your "problems"....."can't get matches on Bumble" or "I can't meet people" or "My coworkers are younger than me" or "no one finds me attractive"

Stop the pity party shit.

Fuck it. Go to a gym. Stop working out at home. And start smashing weights at an actual gym like I said. Build muscles. That's where my life changed.

THAT'S STEP ONE.

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I honestly prefer Discord over traditional texting, but asking a woman if they have a Discord usually ends with me having to explain what it is.

It's a sign of the times, I suppose. I know many people don't want to give out their phone number for privacy reasons; if that's the case, I'll usually suggest Apps like this so that texting can be done with less risk of privacy being breached.

First things first. Approach them from the front confidently

Try not to be too nervous or put them on a pedestal as something that has to be won. Women poop too, meaning she experiences nervousness, excitement, fear, anxiety, and lust the same way you do. If you remember that, then talking to a woman can be as easy as talking to an acquaintance.

Secondly, follow the flow of the conversation and try not to stress too much over things to talk about. You shouldn't come to a conversation with a queue card of things you need to say, just talk about the things that come up

Thirdly, try to give push/pull compliments(don't give them too much though, only when the situation warrants it) ex.) You're so funny, you remind me of my little sister. The general compliment is you thinking she's funny, but nobody wants to date their little sister. Ex. 2) Holy crap you're such a nerd, its adorable. Make sure you give these compliments with a playful smile and make sure you're not giving "backhanded" compliments. And example of a backhanded compliment would be: You have such a great smile, even with those dirty teeth you have.

Fourthly, Don't keep the conversation going on too long. After you've gotten to know a little about her, just casually ask her for her number before exiting. And if the conversation you're trying to have is too uninteresting, or the girl you're talking too doesn't seem to have a lot to say, then don't be afraid exit the conversarion, but make sure you do it politely. Ex.) Anyways it nice talking to you, but I gotta go bullshit excuse.

I hope that helped, and if you're still nervous about approaching somebody, here are some links: https://lifehacker.com/how-to-flirt-with-finesse-1781881776 https://youtu.be/Gsnwym2r408

https://www.webmd.com/balance/news/20180504/loneliness-rivals-obesity-smoking-as-health-risk

“There is robust evidence that social isolation and loneliness significantly increase risk for premature mortality, and the magnitude of the risk exceeds that of many leading health indicators,” Holt-Lunstad wrote. “With an increasing aging population, the effect on public health is only anticipated to increase.”

"Greater social connection is associated with 50\% lower odds of early death."

You were saying?

Definitely. The skin of a heavy smoker feels different. More leathery, saggy.

Found a source:

"There are more than 4,000 chemicals in tobacco smoke, and many of them trigger the destruction of collagen and elastin. These are the fibers that give your skin its strength and elasticity. Smoking or even being around secondhand smoke "degrades the building blocks of the skin," Keri says. The consequences include sagging skin and deeper wrinkles."

https://www.webmd.com/smoking-cessation/ss/slideshow-ways-smoking-affects-looks

IRL dating isn't what it used to be, and my best advice still has some internet parts to it. I think bars and churches can work if they work for you.

Other than that, common interest groups, but getting started your're still online, but you can find them on meetup.com and Facebook groups, socialize without the romantic context and then see if you find someone.

Yes, agreed. VERY normal to do this for opening night; not weird at all. It's a friendly gesture. According to wikianswers: http://wiki.answers.com/Q/Flowers_for_opening_night_of_a_theatre_performance Roses are the generally accepted flower to give.

Also, rather than holding them all night the common practice is to have a the theater manager deliver them backstage for you during or after the performance.

Ya honestly the sites with the most users right now are the apps Tinder/Bumble. And the free versions of both are pretty much all you need if you have good pics. So ya don't pay. Honestly I've tried paying on those apps and the features are usually a waste of money.

Match.com isn't free... But honestly these days even the big kahuna here is losing market share bigtime to apps. You can get away with avoiding it.

And as I'm sure somebody else mentioned... If you actually start dating somebody it's going to cost you a lot more than $20/m no matter how you slice it haha. Dating doens't have to be expensive... But if you're on a tight budget to the point where you don't have an extra hundo available you may want to put more dating on hold for a bit.

I would say in general, women are more particular then men when it comes to dating, by a long way.

There was a study I think performed through match.com a while back. They asked men to rate women on average. Their response created a hierarchy of women, that had a fairly equal distribution (1-10), with more women being towards the higher end of the scale than the lower one. Essentially, men thought that over 50% of the women were better than average.

However, when women were asked the same question, only 20% of the men online were considered attractive enough to date.

To me, that seems fairly spot on. Obviously every woman has her preferences, but in general, women are pickier about the men they date.

I'm not sure how these statistics are affected when looking at same sex dating, but I would reason that men still view male partners in the same way they do women.

I've logged out of all the online dating apps and hope to do so permanently. Follow the suggestions on here, and if you want to streamline the process, go to Meetup.com. I'm getting back into doing that and being around people that aren't focused on sexual attraction being the main thing definitely helps. I'm going back to the gym so that my offline options could be better and more rewarding in terms of live chemistry.

The way you describe it makes it sound like she's interested, but too nervous to do anything about it. Don't ask her questions like that, though. Take it as a sign of her interest in you and act on it. Worst case scenario, she rejects you -- but that's still better than sitting around with your thumb up your ass, wondering if she actually does share your feelings.

Man up. Actually act on your emotions and desires, instead of being afraid of their ramifications. Tell her to come to dinner with you and dress sexy. Escalate the physical side of things, so that she becomes more comforted by your intimate touch. If all goes well, get her back home, put on a movie, and start making out with her in the first five minutes. You don't have anything to lose.

Sometimes it feels like this is a dating support group rather than actual advice because any legitimate advice always gets downvoted. Do you want to be lied to and feel better or do you want the truth? You wouldn’t have asked this question if you didn’t think there was some truth to it.

As a man, height is not only absurdly important. In fact, in many cultures it is THE most important thing. kind of like how you can be extremely qualified for a job but if you have a felony on your record, you’re not even getting a look.

That being said, you can wear these shoe lifts that will make you look taller. Height Increase Insole, 4-Layer Orthotic Heel Shoe Lift kit with Air Cushion Elevator Shoe Insole Lifts Kits Inserts for Men & Women Taller Insoles 1.2" to 3.5” Variable Height https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07DMLMKBB/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_JK2DYGS66GW48GZP2H9T

Women wear bra pads and waist slimmers so this is completely fair game.

I really hope people don’t downvote me for this because it would be a shame to censor the truth.

Good luck.

Read this book https://www.amazon.com/Ethical-Slut-Practical-Relationships-Adventures/dp/1587613379

It goes into the logistics of healthy open relationships, gives lots of great tips on communication, boundaries, etc. Honestly, even a cliff notes version would be great

Big things you need to keep in mind to be successful:

1. Strong, safe, judgement-free communication
2. Safe sex practices
3. Well laid-out boundaries in place to eliminate the grey area
4. Make sure you still prioritize the loving relationship you two have and continue to work on it as needed

Does he have a gaming monitor or tv? If not, this monitor will drop to around $100 on Black Friday. Any gamer would love this cause it frees up the tv :)

Asus VG245H 24 inchFull HD 1080p 1ms Dual HDMI Eye Care Console Gaming Monitor with FreeSync/Adaptive Sync, Black, 24-inch https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01JGYM5H6/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_xgRUFbWJ8354V

No dude, it's the difference between whether the woman feels like she's being your date or your therapist. It's truly draining to talk to someone who doesn't like themselves because you spend the whole time assuring them that they're a good person. You ARE a good person. I CANNOT ever convince you that you are. That feeling of "being worthy" of love can only come from within, and if you don't work into that (loving yourself) then you're probably putting an emotional burden on the person you're talking to. Self-compassion takes work, but studies show that the difference between being happy and not being happy is believing that you DESERVE happiness. https://www.amazon.com/Self-Compassion-Proven-Power-Being-Yourself/dp/0061733520 It is SO MUCH work talking to someone who doesn't love themselves I wrote a screed here, but I've talked to a lot of men and women about this phenomenon

https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671027034

This book was written in the 1930s and there is a reason why it has 4.7 out of 5 stars on Amazon and is still printed and sold today: It has really good advice.

Buy a copy or take one out from the library (every library has a copy, if not multiple copies.)

It'll teach you how to talk to people.

It's best to read a book about it.

https://www.amazon.com/Science-Attraction-Flirting-Engineer-Chemistry/dp/1543149278/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_img_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=4BV3RRRK797ERRKWP1X0

It's free if you sign up for a trial of amazon audible.

along with Dr. Nerdlove I would also recommend reading Models by Mark Manson. He does a great job at not only dating but how to maneuver through life and become an authentic person. Own any weirdness about you and just enjoy yourself and be direct and honest about what you want. Eventually you'll find somebody who enjoys said weirdness and enjoys being with you.

I'm in the same situation as OP but attempted to date throughout college but never actually got that first date. I had to work through a lot of mental health problems and finally found a healthy balance of meds, meditation, and mindset and i've never been happier. like you OP i'm 23 M but since graduation i've somehow have been finding more girls that are of similar mindset as me. The places i'm meeting these girls is by doing things that i love and becoming more active in my community. I work in film and music, and the last couple of girls i've started talking to i've met through that. Film festivals, music festivals, etc... I just enjoy myself and meet new people.

Inexperience still gets to me tbh but i've realized that i've learned a lot watching others and have actually tried to figure out myself and my values which is more than a lot of people apparently. Once you get through that it's simply exposing yourself and going for it until it eventually works out and even then it's more work and constant growth.

Sounds like you're on a good path. Dressing well and getting in shape goes a long way. Yea, stay away from chatting about guns! ha There's a good book called Models by Mark Manson which I think you would find a great read.

I used to be too needy too.

Good luck.

This.

Something like How To Win Friends and Influence People will help you more in dating than a specific dating book.

Plus, it is useful in other areas of your life.

With that said, the book is free. Grab it and glance through it.

I'd recommend the following books:

How to Win Friends and Influence People

Models by Mark Manson

No More Mr Nice Guy

You've got a journey of self-discovery ahead. As others have pointed out, confidence is one of your main issues. It ties everything together in how you interact with others.

Don't be so hard on yourself though. Dating is a learning experience. Stay positive! You've recognized a need for change. Enact a plan of learning and continual improvement. Keep striving, don't give up, and you'll be on the path to where you want to be with enough work and reflection

Do you know if he is available?

If you want to take it any further, I think you need to make visual contact at some point. Better sooner than later.

But it would be much better for you to have a local relationship. I take it you are a game player. Any online gaming meetups in your area? I bet the guys would love to see a lady show up.

See meetup.com.

Well, if you're wanting to get her a bouquet (because she cant plant the bleeding heart flowers) then I would try a bouquet of orchids. They are a little pricey depending on where you live. But they are very unique and beautiful. If you are really intent on getting the bleeding hearts, you could try planting some in a pot for her. This of course could be an epic fail depending on what climate you live in and what not. I know a lot of people think flowers are overdone and cliche, but I think it's really sweet.

Edit: Potted Bleeding Heart Flowers

Since you aren't sure what you want yet, instead of dating, just start hanging out with a lot of people. Look up some group activities in your area (meetup.com and the like). You may also find some coworkers who you find share similar activities, or generally community colleges in the area will have cheap, fun classes like dance, as well as clubs and after school activities you can join in on.

Whatever way you do it, spend lots of time with lots of different types of people. Interact and observe how they interact with others. When couples show up, pay close attention to how they treat each other. You'll have some that are very jokey, perhaps aggressively so with each other. Others are very serious and more like a professional team, while other are more affectionate. Get an idea of the type of relationship you would like to be in, and pay attention to the type of people in the groups that attract you.

Now it might be difficult at times, but if you've taken until 31 to get your career established, I'm guessing you're a very smart person. You probably had to work very hard through a six to eight year program and you likely hold a job that requires you to solve hard problems on a daily basis. Don't be afraid to experiment and try out different activities, conversation styles, and dating techniques; you'll be able to identify what works for you and fix the holes that interfere.

I think I was trying to point out that it could be that people are consciously more possessive than they want you to think, and are complete hypocrites about it

OR

The language affects how people think about relationships, so when we learn the words and concepts of relationships from our friends/parents/peers it constructs how we view those relationships. IE your other comment >, men worked hard for what they wanted and it included winning over a woman

win over - look at the synonymous terms. Sway, convince, induce, argue into, persuade, get. It frames women as things to work hard for and be rewarded with or recalcitrant opponents that have to be convinced, which seems a bit weird, you know? I'm not saying we have to police our language or purge the relationship vocabulary. I'm saying we have to aware of how the words we use reinforce an us vs them zero sum game mindset.

See hiking is one that I would assume lots of women would be at (based off of tinder profiles/instagram pics)!

​

I'd be curious to know which meetup.com events have the most women. I'd imagine even the most female-centric activity on there is male-majority

man, I just keep suggesting meetup.com today - different events with different groups of people. I literally found a cool girl at a cooking event a few months ago, doing some of the hiking groups as well since the weather is getting better out here. How's Boston

It could be stress from work/school/life, depression, low T or a mixture of those. Hes clearly only doing "duty sex" right now because of those problems and doesnt want to let you down so hes doing what he thinks he needs to do as a boyfriend.

Talk with him and see what is going on with his life and/or whats going on chemically inside him. If I was a betting man, Id put my money on Low T (https://www.webmd.com/men/features/low-testosterone-explained-how-do-you-know-when-levels-are-too-low#1)

whats the rush?

get to know him first, before you start projecting your vision into the future

talk to each other, do things together, play skribbl.io. Why throw labels around so early like "settling"?

I was so ready to fight with you over this, but then I looked up the definition.

> wet: Covered or soaked with a liquid, such as water.

There is another definition that means water is wet, though.

> Characterized by the use or presence of water or liquid reagents.

My conclusion: depending on the definition of wet you are using, you could be correct. Different definitions will give you different answers, however.

Rumor has it that Match.com or eHarmony would be your best options, I've heard not so good things about OurTime, but in any case that is just another of the apps owned by the Match Holdings group along with Tinder, OKCupid, Hinge and about seven others.

Any dating apps I would say can work on finding a serious relationship beside Tinder. But if you're like in your late 20's or 30's ... match.com would be your best bet to try. I found my wife through Bumble but that was just my situation. Everyone situation is different and finding a serious relationship through online dating is very low in term of percentage.

I've had a very successful (thus far) relationship with someone that I met on match.com. All he did was ask me about something in my profile and then was able to keep me laughing or interested. Good conversation that doesn't jump right to, "What's your favorite sexual position? How much can you fit in your mouth? You have nice tits/ass/etc..." When it goes in that realm right away, I'll write someone off as a perv. Having something interesting or witty to say and finding someone you can banter with is not easy, but it's worth the effort. The amount of dudes I've met that think just because they are hot or they think they have a large peen and that's somehow going to make me want them is unnerving. If you struggle with the conversation game keep looking. You don't want to end up with someone hot that you can't talk to.

You should listen to my friend's podcast! She touches on this and WHY women don't put forth the effort. Starts off a bit slow but picks up after minute 3. https://player.fm/series/fries-with-guys/episode-8-valentines-day-sucks

It's also on iTunes.

Why are you saying "if you can't focus... because you are so sexually distracted..." when I clearly stated (in the 2nd paragraph of my 1st response) that that is not at all my issue? I agree with what you are saying wholeheartedly, but I don't see how it pertains to what I've said.

As for the word 'girl', the fact that you deemed it "infantilizing and patronizaing" demonstrates its subjectivity. It is a generally neutral word with multiple definitions, and you have not only assumed one of those definitions, but also attached some personal/cultural bias to it! Check the merriam-webster english definition (link below). In order to differentiate between 'girl' and 'woman' as you do, one must: (1) assume the first entry in the dictionary, (2) objectively define the word 'adulthood', which requires a unanimous single definition of the words 'adult', 'mature', and 'grown up'. I do not think criteria (2) can be achieved.

And you are wrong in saying "...you don't like being referred to as a boy when you are a grown ass adult...". My opinion depends on the context of the situation. If I am in a situation where identifying as a 'boy' and a 'man' is important, and the distinction is proper, then you are correct. If I'm being spoken of by an elderly man, I will take no issue at him calling me a 'boy'. Most of the time though, I won't really care.

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/girl

I have an idea for visualising your problem.

Let's assume for a moment we could objectively rate people on a 1-10 scale. Let's also assume this is your development.

You thought you'd constantly improve attractiveness-wise, but the road's always a little bumby. You also thought you'd get more confident if you improved "objectively". Alas, your confidence is where it used to be.

What I'm trying to get at: You're trying to get more attractive according to external factors. These factors (career, looks etc.) create the frame for your dating opportunities. But feeling comfortable in yourself and believing you are attractive doesn't come from these things. Cultivating a confident attitude towards yourself is important. Otherwise, you'll get better looking, more financially stable, well-dressed...and you'll be insecure.

Do you have any idea what in aprticular makes you believe you're not attractive?

Things I learned from Match.com:

• No man under 5'10" is allowed to date. Even if the woman is 4'1" she wants a guy that's at least 5'10".
• All women are athletic and toned. Every. Single. One.
• (This one is not stated ironically) a lot of women lie about there age so thet come up in searches. Then in their profile they tell you they are really four years older.

Guys probably do a lot of bad stuff too, but I'm not looking at their profiles so I'm not sure.

All of the above said, I gather that you are talking about Tinder which is kind of bottom feeding when it comes to online dating.

I have used Bumble right after my graduation in 2019.

After 2 and a half months, I found a guy but he ended the relationship real short afterward.

I'll recommend Bumble since it'll find you girls around where you live, but only thing is that you have to pay a membership to see other people who swiped right for you which is bogus.

I do not know if there is a free version to it I read somewhere.

​

The only catch is that guys would have to wait for women to message you first then you can start texting but not a lot of people are willing to text you back and ghost you which is the problem.

• Bumble
• Hinge is okay, but I rarely have gotten any notification or messages except my photos being liked.
• Coffee Meets Bagel, did really like the app because you needed coffee beans to gain access to some features I think? ( not sure 100%)
• Tinder really looks for other people in your area but it is known for being a "hookup app?" but people have found relationships which are another bonus. ( I stopped using it cause one of my family members' friends seen myself having a profile on there and I've been off it ever since but I guess boys will be more protective with their sisters/ daughters)
• Hily ( have not really used it but I guess try it?)
• OkCupid (haven't used)
• Clover Dating ( Haven't used)
• Curvy Singles ( have not used)

There have been advertisements online about

• <strong>Match.com</strong>
• <strong>eHarmony.com</strong>
• I'm not sure if these are great to use but maybe I'll try them out?

Happy date searching

Online dating in general is a nightmare, if you have any opportunity to find people in the real world, do that.

eHarmony and Match.com are ok, OkCupid can be alright if you have to have free. Look for ones you have to pay before you can even create a profile, that will cut out a lot garbage right there.

On the job interview point, I have actually been asked where do i see myself in 5 years a couple of times on match.com haha

Not sure about a guy dating 5 girls at once....online dating is heavily skewed at women, guys message tons of girls and most girls are flooded with messages and send very few back. If anything it would be more likely to be the other way around.

I focus on one girl at a time, even after one date with the first girl i found i stopped looking at the sites until it was over.

The sites you want are dependent on what kind of relationship you want. Tinder, Plenty of Fish, Match, OKCupid, E Harmony, Farmersonly.com . That last one you might want to avoid. But I have found that there are two kinds of sites, paid sites and free sites. Paid sites typically are better for more serious relationships because you are paying real money to try to meet someone. There is a level of sacrifice/commitment. All sites have good (and bad) people on it so there isn't one size that fits all.

I went on OKCupid to see the people in my area, but OKCupid is a subsidiary of Match.com and I ended up doing a 6 month (got 3 months free) subscription. Had a date within 4 weeks. And now we're celebrating our 2 year anniversary this year. So it worked for me.

That's reasonable. I do notice a lot of people have good outdoor photos:

https://www.zoosk.com/date-mix/online-dating-advice/online-dating-profile-tips/tinder-profile-examples-for-men/

But mine have never looked that "magazine quality" and outdoors are difficult to control so perhaps I can still do better. I will try.

How did you end up just standing around at a castle or art gallery taking pictures of yourself on a tripod over and over and not have people stare at you?

> The chance of getting a serious relationship from online dating is low

In 2017, 19% of brides said they met their spouses online.

An easy measure is to throw it up on https://www.photofeeler.com/ and let random people vote on it.

Low score = shit photo

High score = has potential for your portfolio

I'd try Meetup.com instead. It's not relationship-based, but you can find loads of people your age who enjoy the activities you like. That way, you'll be face to face with people you have things in common with, in a group setting.

It's not going to go away until you either act on it or replace her with a new crush -- and even then, your feelings for her might not fade if your replacement woman isn't up to snuff. Trust me on this one; I've been there a couple times.

You really need to reassess your fear of rejection. The longer you wait, the less likely she is to accept you. Think about it like this: she's already figured out if she would take an offer from you, and she isn't going to wait for you forever. Why not just find out if she shares those feelings right now? All you're doing is prolonging your suffering and reducing your chances. If she says no, then she was going to say it anyway.

So try this: escalate things physically the next time you two are hanging out. Start with little touches, then move up slowly to holding her hand. If you can get that far, you're fucking golden -- you'll be able to kiss her that night.

If she rejects your physical approaches, you're probably screwed. Stop hanging out with her. Find other interests and people you keep you entertained. It's not that you don't want to hang out with her, it's that you're too busy being awesome and fun to waste your time in a one-sided relationship like that. That might get her attention enough to want you, but if not, whatever: you've opened yourself up to new venues and new people, where you'll be able to find someone who reciprocates your feelings.

In the end, you're better off acting on your feelings -- no matter whether your succeed or fail.

I like these for when I have guests over for a party or something (RIP having parties)

Disposable Kleenex Hand Towels White - 60 count - Pack of 4 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B019J7M3MW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_6cBeGbR33ZWFM

But do not pay that price. Go to Walmart or something.

I know it might seem like you will never get over the heartbreak, but you absolutely will. I'll be honest it will take time and conscious effort, but if you stick with it you will overcome the pain! After going to a tough heartbreak myself and having put myself back together, I decided to write a book that outlined the process of my recovery in hopes that it helps others who are dealing with a similar situation. Many people have encountered or will encounter heartbreak in their lives, I know I certainly have and the method I outline in the book has changed my life after heartbreak and has truly helped heal from a deep wound. If you are in a toxic relationship and contemplating leaving but are afraid to feel lonely or heartbroken, or if you are currently broken up from a relationship I believe you can benefit tremendously from my book. You can find the book by clicking on this link : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MVB1VJL/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&amp;keywords=heartbreak&amp;s=digital-text&amp;sr=1-6. The book is available on kindle and it’s titled “How to heal when Heartbreak is real: 10 effective ways to heal and bounce back better than before”.

You will not stay alone forever. And obvously you dont have a problem meeting people, given that you are dating, etc. BUT maybe you shouldn't even try so hard right now and rather understand this period in your life as a great chanceto spend some time alone and grow as an individual.

Really, it so helps to re-frame being alone as a learning experience. When you learn to be okay with spending time alone you also learn about who you actually are as a person. This again will make for a solid foundation for forming meaningful relationships in due time. I speak from experience. Just trying to get into realtionships will only put you in relationships that are stressful or take resources away from actually living a happy life.

Always engaging in dating and social life just numbs you down and prevents you from discovering who you are deep down. How much more rewarding will it be, when you discover yourself deep down and then meet people (love interests or friends) that touch you on these really fundamental and defining domains that you would have never discovered had you not taken the time to spend time alone.

I don't mean to spam you or anything but I have written a little book about exactly this topic, so I will put the link here. Its free on Amazon (kindle unlimited): &quot;ALONE TIME: Why its important to spend more time alone and how to get started&quot;

I really hope it will help you learn how to leverage alone time to grow as a person and then form meaningful relationships.

https://www.amazon.com/dp/1492777862/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_btf_t1_ojJEFb5DK9ADT

Buy it. Read it. Pass it to a friend.

Thank me later.

Read this book

Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love

https://www.amazon.com/Attached-Science-Adult-Attachment-YouFind/dp/1585429139/ref=nodl_

OK. Your analysis is pretty good. First, do something within an easy reach. Get in shape. Bodyweight exercises with low carb diet will get you there. Later, when you get older, you may find that high intensity cardio much improves sex performance, but save this part until later.

Yes, vocational training is not that sexy, but it will be a $$ maker especially if you start up your own company after 10 years of experience or so. Girls are looking for stability, in the long run, including financial.

Then, read this. It will just make you an attractive communicator & you will be ahead of the crowds.

Lastly, don’t despair. Girls like older guys in general, so just wait it out while doing the above. You will get your girl! Don’t worry. It’s inevitable.

So surreal seeing this post right now.

I’m in the middle of reading The Gift of Fear and just read the domestic violence/dating chapters where he talks about how persistence is actually threatening and potentially dangerous when it comes to guys being the pursuer.

Idk if you like books OP, but I have to recommend this book as a must-read for you and anyone else really.

This happened to a lot of peoples as the algorithm used in different apps are are different. There are few, if any, decent free dating apps. Those that do cost money (most of them) are fairly expensive. Just a heads up.

In my experience Crazy krush is the most stable and decent app so far.

Better luck next time;)

An online dating application like Crazykrush is an online dating service presented through a mobile phone application, often taking advantage of a smartphone's GPS location capabilities, always on-hand presence, and easy access to digital photo galleries and mobile wallets to enhance the traditional nature of online dating.

In the real world, love, or just emotional attraction is not sufficient for a well rounded relationship to work long term. People do not have to date models but they have to date someone who at least they find pleasant to look at.

People can lie to each other all they want based on romantic Hollywood film ideas but the reality is that we are creatures who can’t just ignore someone’s physical shape. We are hardwired not to.

So, it makes sense that some dating apps would include this height as metric, just like many apps may include size as well. Both the type that you are and the type you are looking for. They are just being more detailed.

I mean, if looks were no factor, then why have photos in dating apps at all? We should all date based completely on our writing skills, right?

In the end, height is one of those things that only short people complain about, just like it is usually only larger women who complain about men mostly going for thinner women.

In the end, physical looks (even though they fade with age) are a factor. As such, for some people height is a thing, a preference, just like size, or even something like, ethnic background. However, for many however, it is not. Date those.

Read Models by Mark Manson. He writes that any guy will be a creep to some girls, given the right occasion. I don't see how this is different from fear of rejection. (NB: "Models" is not about how to date a photo model, it's how to model your behavior.)

For what I’ve read, you process everything rationally (a 2 sec google). So, maybe you could reason how you should behave with other people and how your actions affect them, but most importantly, why.

I recommend you to read Aristotle, Nicomachean Ethics. A very good book that touches the subject. It was written as if he is your teacher. This is one of the first writings (I believe) that takes teaching with a pedagogical view. Alexander the great grew in his adolescence with him as a mentor, so that speaks by himself.

Good luck.

I would say that you are being unnecessarily pessimistic. Of course you have a chance to be happy and find what you're looking for!

You should not compare yourself to others, I really think that's a negative and fruitless path to go down. Instead see each situation and every hardship that you're experiencing as a challenge and an opportunity for you to react to it in the best way that you can. That's my philosophy anyway. I would recommend a book called "Man's Search for Meaning" by Viktor Frankl to you. It's not long and it has certainly given me a different perspective on life (not to say things will change overnight).

It sounds like they can help a bit, but they seem stupidly overpriced to me. I've thought about it, and elected not to try them out. I think you're better off reading real books (Models by Mark Manson, and "Mate" by Tucker Max) then trying to bring girls into your life through more natural ways. If you've ever seen Kezia Noble, she's fucking gorgeous. And by that I mean she'll probably be really good at telling you when you messed up at your pickup skills, but might not necessarily be great at telling you how to improve. Great critic, maybe not so good as a coach. I would trust guy PUA's more than her at any rate.

Take it from a guy who just had his heart stomped on in June by an ex fiancé. Work on yourself and then you will find that no girls meet your requirements. I recommend some self help reading and youtube videos like Jim Rohn, and the book Models by Mark Manson. Stay away from pick up sites and the red pill subreddit

First I read it all...LOL.

Straight up, she's got you by the balls man and she knows it.

You need to proactively state that she lead you to believe one thing and another thing is occurring, and maybe to let you know when she figures it out.

Man I know your smitten and you definitely got her on a high pedestal, but if you don't stick up for yourself and be more authentic in your communication, she will eventually cut it off anyways because she will see through the nice guy act and get bored.

Id just state well, you seem busy, let me know when your free next time and maybe we can go out. Two things will happen.

1.She will respect your time more and not blow you off. 2.She will pass altogether.

But the important is, either way youll know.

Read two things:

Models by Mark Manson

And

No more Mr. Nice guy, I am not sure on the author.

Thank you so much for the book recommendation.

I listen to a lot of Alan Watts lectures, one of my favourite books is "Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind" by Shunryu Suzuki, and I am currently reading "Tao Te Ching" by Laozi.

With that said, I have a great deal of respect for Taoism, Buddhism, and a number of other eastern philosophies.

I just downloaded the audio book for the Tao of Pooh, I'm looking forward to listening to it.

As you mentioned, I am well-traveled, but in recent years, at least 70% of my travels have had a business component to them, and haven't been completely leisurely.

However, within many aspects of my career, the lines are blurred between work and leisure, especially as a photographer.

As far as what you said about my financial situation, I don't have money to spend.

I stated the following in my original post:

"Some other factors that contribute to my stress are the fact that I live at home with my parents, the fact that I feel trapped and enmeshed with my parents' issues, the fact that I don't feel like an adult living at home with my parents, the fact that I carry a lot of resentment towards my father and others that have hurt me throughout my life, the fact that I have about $20,000 in debt due to running my marketing and photography companies, the fact that I can't find a job, despite having a lengthy resume and a lot of accolades (like many millennials)."

With more self-acceptance, and with more balance in regards to my life, and my program of introspection, healing, and physical/psychological strengthening, things will turn around for me, sooner than later, and I will be able to go on more leisurely trips in the near future.

Go read Models by Mark Manson.

Stop making excuses, and go join groups/classes/sports where you will be forced to meet people of the opposite sex.

And as a baseline to attract women. Dress Better. Get a decent hair cut. Hit the gym.

I enjoyed the book Models by Mark Manson.

I would avoid most PUA books in general. I tried the audiobook of The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, and though its history lessons were interesting... it didn't offer much concrete actionable plans.

Well it wont happen if you dont move your ass, if there is a girl you like, try to seek ways to approach her its very rare for a women to be into you and do everything unless you're rich or extremely hot. If you dont know how then read Models by Mark Manson or something like that it will teach you the basics.

Remember, when you get rejected, it's because a woman has decided you're not right for her, not that there's something inherently wrong with you. I like to think of dating as practice for when I meet the right woman, and I try to keep my expectations at zero. It's almost better to date with the intention to fail than to have any expectations at all. When you take pressure off yourself to be successful, you will act natural, act like yourself, say whatever you want to say, will take chances, and this is all extremely attractive to women.

Also, you should be living your life in such a way that dating doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. If a woman rejects you, who cares, you've still got your own goals and your own life and other things that bring you happiness and fulfillment. You should NEVER think of dating and relationships to be an end-game happiness goal in your life. This is a road to misery, trust me!

I feel like a shill for recommending this book so much, but it changed my dating life and I think it will really help you out. Read Models by Mark Manson; it's absolute gold and will open your eyes like nothing else.

I would say the first thing you need to tackle is improving your social skills in general. Women are generally attracted to social men with friends, or at least someone that can carry on a decent conversation. It's really difficult to pick up women without these skills.

I would suggest you start with the book: Improve your social skills by Daniel Wendler. Daniel actually has aspergers as well and he wrote a fantastic book about how he improved his social skills with really great techniques and examples. I found it very helpful just as a general primer.

After that, check out Models by Mark Manson. This is a book that will help improve yourself to become more attractive to women. IMO, this is required reading for any young man, and a book I wish I had when I was your age.

You're new to this. Confidence doesn't just happen automatically. You need practice, you need to start trusting your gut, and you need to stop over-thinking things.

When you start over-thinking the things you say, you come off as fake and under confident. This is a big turn-off to women. On the other hand, if you peak confidently, looking women in the eyes, saying what you want, this is very attractive. It doesn't even matter what you're saying, as long as you're speaking confidently.

I suggest you pick up the book Models by Mark Manson. This is exactly what you need, and I would have given anything to have it when I was your age.

Read no more mr. nice guy if you feel you have nice guy syndrome, but if you just need dating advice, I HIGHLY recommended Models by Mark Manson. It talks about how to start meaningful relationships by focusing on yourself and your self confidence. Both are good reads.

Models by Mark Manson provided me with some good insights. Solid advice on becoming more comfortable more comfortable in your own skin an communicating more clearly with the opposite sex. None of the alpha/cocky mentality.

Sadly, without knowing the field or your level of knowledge, I can only really point you to wikipedia and hope you fall into the trap of reading article after article.

The astrophysicists (apart from the biologists) are the ones that have made names for themselves in writing for the public. Neil deGrasse Tyson is the new Carl Sagan. I am partial to Hawking's Brief History. Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman! is referred to as one of reddit's all time favourite books as is Cosmos by Sagan. For more applied info, I actually am subscribed to things like IEEE.

Well young lady, it's a thing that happens when you get older. I'm 29 and afraid I might never fall in love again. But there might be hope, next time you want to fall in love with a person, try a 36 questions app.

Everyone should read 'Single on Purpose' by John Kim

https://www.amazon.com/Single-Purpose-Redefine-Everything-Yourself/dp/0062980734

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Explains why this is happening and how to face the situation.

Well, for the very basics there is khan academy

I haven't gone through any of these newly revamped lessons on computer science. But historically, khan academy is a great source.

Once your feeling pretty good with those ideas, MITopencourseware, EdX, Coursera, and many other online education sources have quite comprehensive lessons on many branches of computer science. EdX, and coursera focus on individual classes at a time that are designed very much like a normal college course. Where MITopencourseware is the legacy program that has archives of courses taught at MIT. But yea, now I'm just rambling.

Really the first link is where to start.

Im also fairly certain if you find the right subreddit, there would be plenty of people willing to answer any questions you may have about programming.

That being said, if you PM me, if I find I have the extra second, I would be more then willing to answer any questions you may have, to the best of my ability.

Check out attachment theory. The best partners are ‘secure attachment’ and they show and accept vulnerability. Shittiest is when you have an anxious -avoidant pairing. In that one, the anxious person shows vulnerability and it turns the avoidant off. That makes the anxious more anxious, showing more vulnerability, which turns the avoidant off more…

In secure-secure, vulnerability leads to intimacy, which prompts vulnerability, which leads to more intimacy.

Short and great book on that: ‘Attached’

https://www.amazon.ca/Attached-Science-Attachment-Find-Keep/dp/1585429139/ref=mp_s_a_1_1?keywords=Attached&amp;qid=1668884145&amp;qu=eyJxc2MiOiIxLjEyIiwicXNhIjoiMC43MiIsInFzcCI6IjAuNzcifQ%3D%3D&amp;sr=8-1

Brene Brown has ton a ton of research looking at real people who LOVE THEIR LIVES. Ie, not just what ‘people’ do, but what ‘happy people’ do. And they are vulnerable and intimate.

Great Ted Talk on the science/research on it: https://youtu.be/iCvmsMzlF7o