Reposting due to twitchy autobots:
I wish I could upvote this a billion times. This is an epidemic in western (and Aussie) courts.
The Worst Interest of the Child: The Trafficking of Children and Parents Through US family Courts by Keith Harmon Snow (https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981611486/). is a shattering deep dive into the process and corruption among family courts.
You can also google Kelly Rutherford’s custody story. The dad almost let his daughter drown in his pool while in his custody; Rutherford was admonished by the judge for not coparenting because she took a family photo including the dad (who she was divorcing at the time) off the wall of her living room.
The court system in the west doesn’t exist for women. It doesn’t punish r@~e. It doesn’t protect our children. It doesn’t work for any of the crimes that women face. You can also google the sentence lengths for men who |{!|| women (usually wives / girlfriends) and women who |{!|| abusers (usually partners or pimps).
Women can be creeps too, though typically they act as proxy creeps (aka, Pickme) for male agendas and certain defineably twisted beliefs are necessary to play that role. For example, "Rape myth acceptance" is clinically associated with "dark tetrad" personality traits (narcissism, Machiavellianiam, psychopathy and sadism): https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/The-Dark-Tetrad-and-Rape-Myth-Acceptance-Boland/e8f48e3e75da64b8eb28c11a69625e0cf42d4b16
Rape myth acceptance is also associated with infidelity tolerance via narcissism and psychopathy. https://www.researchgate.net/publication/318093878_Are_infidelity_tolerance_and_rape_myth_acceptance_related_constructs_An_association_moderated_by_psychopathy_and_narcissism
...Aaaaand this is why we don't use OLD apps.
I couldn't believe how many men on OLD would do things like:
Please, stop using these apps. You will get the trash men, with the occasional gem thrown in, and waste a lot of time and mental energy swiping, swiping, and answering inane messages from men who can't be arsed to actually have a conversation with you.
Fact you need to know: These apps -- all of them -- are being abandoned by women. As recently as March 2021, Match.com active users were 81.6% male. This is not "easy pickings" for the women. Women are abandoning OLD sites. It's because we're sick of being sexually harassed by LVM who have nothing to offer but the audacity.
Boycott dating apps, restore your sanity.
This is called Covert Incest, also known as Emotional Incest.
It's probably been happening your whole life, and this is not an isolated incident. It is not your place to be involved in the hear marriage, that's bringing you into their romantic relationship and asking/assuming that you will play a role in it (incest).
Commonly, females experience covert incest from both fathers and mothers, whereas male children as usually just incested by the mother with an absent/uninvolved father, so females have it much worse and need to be aware of this extremely damaging (and sadly, common) issue.
Some good resources are out there, if this speaks to you and you desire to learn more.
match.com. My thought is that it's a paid app so maybe dudes are more serious? Not sure about that yet. I got it before I found FDS and have it paid through Nov, decided to experiment and see what will happen after applying my new FDS skill set.
Obligatory link to the pdf because it's important enough to read that it should be freely accessible.
I got the Ordinary 1% off Amazon for 13.95. The actual website sells it for $6 but I'm sure the shipping is insane. I was skeptical because people said it either burned or did nothing, but I have sensitive skin on the dry side, definitely got rough retinol burn the first time (lasted a week) and relied on sunscreen and aloe vera.
When it healed there was a noticeable difference with the smile lines (unfortunately genetic but they were a lot milder after the first use). Decided to use it again after 2 weeks of waiting (working up to once a week use atm). The retinol burn was like a tingle and my fine lines are almost completely gone. Highly recommend.
The one on Amazon -- it's 14.80 now but you don't need much. Mine will probably last a year
Not surprised but jumping in on this PURELY to say:
MEN ARE NOT VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY DRINK. THEY ARE VIOLENT BECAUSE THEY ARE VIOLENT.
They may use the booze as an excuse (and it's almost a guarantee that they will, since that's an external habit that can be stopped and they'd rather blame that than actually change), but when it comes down to it, if alcohol never existed? He'd still hit you.
Mandatory reading for every single woman on the planet: Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It explains why abuse really happens and all the bullshit excuses that men use to try to make it seem like it's everyone's fault but theirs.
I totally agree. This whole thing was dreamed up because the inventor of Alcoholics Anonymous was an abusive cheating piece of shit and they had to invent a syndrome for his wife Lois they used to be called 'co-addicts' then the terminology changed. It's all a bunch of victim blaming bullshit. Also going to link this book as I do when this topic comes up for anyone stuck in this trap that wants to get out: Codependency Conspiracy: How to Break the Recovery Habit and Take Charge of Your Life. Going to CODA and other such meetings is actually the worst thing anyone can do because they all act 'codependent' with each other and make the dynamics worse you think it helps in the beginning but it really doesn't it's only in having a social outlet that it's helpful anyone who really starts to get better leaves...
Men have always disliked hearing the hard facts about their sex but, now, thanks to the raging popularity of misogynistic cults, it has become fashionable and edgy to downvote and nasty comment anything that reminds them how fucked up male sexuality in general can be.
Guys "be like that" until they father their own baby girl. Then they suddenly wake up to the hard realities of what's waiting for her out there, hence all the funny-not-so-funny t-shirts called "Top Ten Rules for Dating my Daughter". (Note Rule number 1, HA.)
Sorry that you finally have your own space and have to be worried about some dirty old man. I saw this advertised in a travel group once, and think it may help you feel more safe while you're inside your apartment.
I’ll add Flexjobs.com for a job listing site.
Also the best book I’ve found for getting into the right headspace for a job interview:
Best Answers to the 201 Most Frequently Asked Interview Questions, Second Edition https://www.amazon.com/dp/0071741453/
Excellent post, OP!!
Thanks for sharing. I was reminded of a lot of Jia Tolentino’s work, she’s written a lot about the pressures of female “optimization” — from her essay “always be optimizing”:
“…women attribute implicit moral value to the day-to-day efforts of improving their looks, and failing to meet the beauty standard is framed as ‘not a local or partial failure, but a failure of the self.’” Essay starts on page 65 here: https://www.docdroid.net/fa4NkPR/mirrortrick-pdf#page=65
And this line from her new yorker piece about “Instagram Face”:
“(I thought about a line from the book ‘Perfect Me,’ by the philosopher Heather Widdows: ‘Choice cannot make an unjust or exploitative practice or act somehow, magically, just or non-exploitative.’)”
Well, every man thinks his sexual preferences are every man’s sexual preferences. That’s where the confidence of tone originates for a pedo.
The rest is this bizarre idea that masculinity is external, that’s it’s created by your environment and what your environment holds. And the fragile fragile self-image that creates leads them to seek the least powerful, least challenging option for their own fragile delicate sexuality.
I haven’t seen any stats for this one, but the fashion industry is a huge promoter of very young teen girls as the ideal female body. I’ve heard speculation that it’s largely gay men making the casting choices for those shows (and straight men seeking to avoid their “mistake” of creating powerful supermodels out of adult women the first time around), so the market there for a fleshed out, developed adult female body that has lived a standard adult female life (easier weight gain, pregnancy, child birth, birth control, menopause) is going to be minuscule. With typical male ego, again, they are going to assume that everyone wants to see what they want to see.
I’d also point out that if you have a child with a pedophile in the US or Australia and try to divorce the man, you are highly likely to either have to periodically give him the child for visitation indefinitely or to lose all custody permanently for “alienation” if you tell the court what he’s doing. So that tendency is something to vet every date for - watch him around children of both genders and multiple age groups. Read “Predators” by Anna Salter so you’ll have a sense of what to look for in his behavior.
And here’s an account of what a woman leaving a pedophile that she’s had a child with can expect: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0981611486/. (TW: the book itself contains some graphic descriptions of CSA.)
This is why men push liberal feminism so hard. They're aware that the traditional tools of oppression, to include rape culture, are weakening and becoming more and more socially unacceptable. Men have responded by subverting a feminist movement to benefit men and their agenda, corrupting originally positive ideas like sex positivity into just one more depravity against women.
And that's only when they don't resort to blatant misogyny and violence.
>“therapeutical industrial complex”
Wow this is a great phrase. I feel like I have been posting this book a lot along with the other codependency conspiracy one but it really seems to be coming up on this sub frequently so linking again! One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture Is Eroding Self-Reliance
I really think there are a lot of women waking up to the reality and the lies we were fed. It reminds me of this meme I saw where it says something like you work in a cubicle 40 hours a week no money no friends no outdoors hobbies then you get labeled as being 'depressed' and given meds for not being happy in that 'lifestyle' like seriously wtf has our society turned into?! In my personal spirituality I believe in the power of feminine healing modalities that have been demonized by colonialism/patriarchy.
This can even be a danger later on, after you've met them and established a relationship.
Suddenly you might find yourself seeing them less and less, even though they live close by "because you are both sooo busy", while they are still texting you round the clock as if you were their girlfriend.
As Lue wrote:
>In this modern age of texts, email, Facebook, online dating, and casual relationships, it's never been so easy to find yourself in a crumb filled fantasy relationship.
>
>An increasing number of people are satisfied with sprinklings of attention and interaction which they use to give themselves the illusion of being loved, cared for and in control because they get to avoid commitment, intimacy, and 'full-on' rejection.
I dated a guy who had this book on his shelf: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (Kerner) https://www.amazon.com/She-Comes-First-Thinking-Pleasuring/dp/0060538260
He was crap at sex but very good at oral. It was his only saving grace with sex. Maybe we should start passing it out.
for those dealing with covert narcs or the aftermath, she is a polish psychologist who is an absolute authority . Work is a little dense but really helped me to understand full spectrum. https://wordpress.com/read/feeds/107035335
Well they just came in the mail today I haven’t started reading them but I got:
Coercive Control Breaking after From Psychological Abuse
and
He was abusive for sure. The problem with abuse like this, is it is very covert and hard to spot if you are not trained/educated in psychology. Lucky for us, we have so much literature available to us these days. He wanted to financially control you, and why he wanted you to be SAHM. It is quite sinister once you wake up to these things, I am glad you know better now.
Also therapy with these abusive people, as you said, is just big NO. It just gives them extra tools to abuse.
I always recommend this book as well: https://www.amazon.com/Covert-Passive-Aggressive-Narcissist-Psychological-ebook/dp/B078KXGS98/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=covert+over+narc&qid=1616056438&sr=8-1
it is not as widely known as "why does he do that?" but it has a lot of really excellent points.
Vomit Factor 100
​
If you are into good trashy reads. "You'll Never Make Love In This Town Again" was written by former escorts in the 80s early 90s.
It is an expose on the male depravity of celebrities of the day - as these women serviced these rich/famous degenerates.
In this book it details Sylvesters specific kink. He likes women to SHIT on him.
​
Enjoy the read ladies. It's difficult to put down
https://www.amazon.com/Youll-Never-Make-Love-Again/dp/1597775428
Maglite style torches are large and heavy.
I highly recommend blackout curtains, because they eliminate any possibility of someone peeking through any gaps in the blinds. I use them for day sleeping, and love the extra privacy. No one can see if my lights are on, or shadows moving in my place. Love.
Could you get some stick on paper that lets you see outside but blocks the view from outside? You don’t need to live in a cave because of this pervert.
KESPEN One Way Mirror Window Film Daytime Privacy, Non-Adhesive Anti UV Heat Control Reflective Window Tint for Home Office Static Cling Vinyl, Black-Silver, 35.4 Inch X 8.2 Feet https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07QNQFY51/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_i_JJF57NM2DTZ0S71APRRR?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
You are totally valid in the way you feel. I’m so upset for you for how your mom spoke to you—you opened up to her and she used it against you. Take a breather from your mom and clear your head a bit.
For my safety, I have a stun gun that looks like a flashlight that I keep with me. It’s easy to use and will absolutely fuck someone up if they come at me. Just make sure you know how to use it and be careful with it so you don’t accidentally shock yourself. Here is the link to it on Amazon. You can also purchase it directly from the Guard Dog website (they will have more options).
Stay safe!
I use Match.com because it requires close to zero effort on my end. Only go in to see who messaged me. No time spent on swiping.
I've used the free apps in the past. My take is that the paid apps give you the worst of the worst and the best the best. Worst: they get no matches on the free apps and think paying for it will do the trick. Best: they're new to online dating and just stumbled in.
I am glad and appalled that this book exists: I Said No! A Kid-to-kid Guide to Keeping Private Parts Private
Yes I relate a lot to this. I tried to figure things out for a long time. I spent my 20s doing the whole codependent thing too. In a way coda/al anon etc can be helpful but they can also be problematic because they teach you how to tolerate and put up with bullshit even though they say otherwise ("you can be happy if the alcoholic is still drinking") like yes to a certain extent but that is more for survival you need to get tf out of there! Plus I've found that behavior is contagious you see people in the rooms doing certain things and you end up getting influenced by them as well.
I would try to get away from those type of programs because being reminded that you're powerless constantly is the exact opposite of what women need to hear. 12 step was made for privileged white men and they adapted it to a bunch of other stuff that doesn't really apply. Having a group is the scientifically helpful thing not the program itself. Anyway I am pretty passionate about this subject so if you want sources to this or alternatives let me know. I actually think I could have gotten better if I had stopped all that stuff sooner. Even tho I felt like it saved me at the time it kept me stuck. Here is a book if you are interested Codependency Conspiracy: How to Break the Recovery Habit and Take Charge of Your Life
Just be glad you found us now. You're still young and have a lot of life ahead of you. I think of all the women I used to see in meetings who were in their 60s and beyond who were with alcoholics their whole life and were never going to leave. I would never want that to be my life. Or worse when I went to partners of sex addict meetings and see women say 'x relapsed [aka fucking cheated] again...' or just be constantly in fear of it. Nah.
This worries me that it might escalate to him trying to get into your house! All of you ladies living alone should invest in something like this Add-A-Lock portable lock, so someone cannot enter your home even if they have the key! I’ve heard of women who have had to use it because they had landlords with boundary issues.
Wanted to post a book that seems to cover how a HVM approaches relationships. It does trend a bit religious (if that’s not your thing), but otherwise really healthy and encouraging, lots of examples of equality and prioritizing your wife or girlfriend for who she is, rather than how she looks.
“The Love You Deserve: A Spiritual Guide to Genuine Love” by Scott and Shannon Peck: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0965997677/
It actually looks nice. The bedding could use an upgrade.
I'm a total bedding snob (I have some Anthropologie stuff and some silk), and I recommend this duvet cover set: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B088HGYQ41/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IfgxFbDBHMSRY
And these sheets: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01N9L2O9P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_UhgxFbX37JJVM
Both very affordable.
I agree! I'm obsessed with my plants and they add so much to my life! I'd take my plants over a man any day!
Also I want this shirt: who needs a boyfriend when you have plants
I'd suggest making a fake profile - grab something off thispersondoesnotexist.com - and check out both other women's profiles on your app of choice, as well as the men (gay and straight).
I think seeing that there are other very real, completely imperfect, but still rather interesting humans out there giving life a shot will give you the courage to do the same. To be open, I did this when I was getting back into the dating pool years ago, and made a male profile (clearly fake, one photo that was horrible, zero prompts filled out - I'm not tryin' to catfish anyone) and checked out what other men and women were posting. Plenty of people are clearly imperfect, but still seemed like fun, interesting individuals that would be a blast to hang out with, and it gave me the courage to stick my neck out (and I did meet my now-husband through a friend of a guy who I did meet on OLD, so ... you never know). Reality is usually less scary than our anxious imaginations.
According to this site Facebook never really deletes your information which I find creepy
Don’t sign up to new apps with a Facebook login....they’re creating a huge network of data on you that we have no idea what they’re doing with
There are Ring doorbells with mounts for apartments- I'm getting my best friend one and adding her to my account. This is nice because you don't need to drill.
Doorbell Boa Anti-Theft Video Doorbell Door Mount https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GG9NVSM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_P4T1JSVEYVJEJXWW0CEW?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
There's a really good book for people like us called Stop Caretaking the Narcissist or Borderline
Also check out the Narcissistic Abuse sub
Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? should be mandatory reading for high school girls. It would have sped up my disillusionment with men and I’d be better off for it.
I found the pdf on this website : https://z-lib.org/
Beware some of the links don't work right so you might have to find the books on a computer (sometimes they don't work there either it's hit or miss on there). If I can find a better site I'll let you know! As for audio books I'm not sure . I checked on YouTube and none of his stuff was there
So this isn’t exactly on the mark but I highly recommend because she is a great writer and I like her journalistic style:
https://www.amazon.com/Children-Cain-Violence-Violent-America/dp/0140172548
I read it over 10 years ago and it was a profoundly formative read for me as far as understanding US foreign policy and its interventions in Latin America.
Can someone start an FDS book club?🤗
Technically a good lawyer could view any video and counter that their rule is to prevent prosecution for the kinds of inhumane behavior they illegally allow their managers to exhibit.
Camera no WiFi Needed - Mini Body Camera Video Recorder - Camera Motion Activated - Nanny Small Cam - Tiny Camera - Small Security Camera for Home and Office (with 32G high-Speed Memory Card) https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08GP7Z45R/
This one isn’t the cheapest (there’s a $25 USD pen 🖊 camera with less solid reviews), but it’s well reviewed. Or you could simply carry a small mic-Ed object.
Have you read Why Women are Blamed for Everything?
It's one of those books that is hard to read because you keep wanting to throw it at the wall, but it's basically your (excellent, thank-you) post with peer-reviewed stats to back it up.
You can get a bar which fits under your lock and prevents the door being opened. You just put it in place, no DIY skills needed. Very useful when you are home alone and at night.
It’s also a good device if you are worried someone has your key. They are available on Amazon and Lowe’s also sells them.
Master Lock 265D Door Security Bar, Pack of 1, White https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_yJ3JFbT7KYF91
I use a biotin shampoo that's so amazing I'll never switch to another product. It makes hair so shiny, manageable, and never leaves a buildup.
My hair is very dense and wavy, so it's hard to find a shampoo that doesn't make it frizzy without leaving a waxy buildup. You only need a tiny bit and it lasts forever. https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B01ENCBOA0/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_v5JEFbBHG1VAF
For conditioner, I use Live Clean Fresh Water Hydrating formula. It's the perfect amount of moisture for my hair, without weighing it down. Here's a link: https://smile.amazon.com/dp/B00BIWYW9O/ref=cm_sw_r_apa_i_R3JEFbA0AAYVY
Both of them are affordable and aren't laden with toxic chemicals, which I try to avoid.
I hope this helps!
I'm reading the novel VOX https://www.amazon.com/dp/B079WQK537/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1 about this happening in the near future. Handmaid's Tale-coming soon to a country near you.
> Let me put it this way: imagine you are looking at a labor strike between a group of factory workers and the factory owner. On one side, you have the workers saying "we want to be fairly compensated! No more unpaid overtime! We want better working conditions!" etc. and on the other side, you have the factory owners complaining "unbelievable! Why aren't my slaves employees working!? Get back to work! We're not going to meet our production deadline if you keep sitting around waving signs! What about me!?? If you don't get back to work I'm not going to make as much money!!"
> In this scenario, the factory workers are obviously the oppressed group. Although the concerns of the factory owner might feel totally valid and justified to him, being unable to make money off the backs of his overworked, underpaid employees is not oppression. Any perceived harm being done to him is the result of a loss of relative power, not victimization.
Also, Woman have better sex under Socialism
Lmaoooo at the edits, men proving the point that they're the problem. To any guy reading this that like sliding into women's DM's for a "debate" - Just admit, you like harassing women. You get something from it. You're pathetic.
That’s a great question! Unfortunately I don’t know of any resources specific to this particular subject, but a lot of books written by WOC touch on these subjects among others. One that I love a lot is Infidel by Ayaan Hirsi Ali
Infidel https://www.amazon.com/dp/0743289692/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_h4eqFb45BSRZ4
He is punishing you for asserting a boundary you have set. Ignoring you (the silent treatment/stonewalling) is punishment. Hanging up on you is punishment. That is abusive behaviour. The boundary pushing will increase with time. He will turn it back on you and make you feel crazy. You should be allowed to express your emotions and a loving partner would not keep doing something that hurts you. He is trying to control your sleeping habits now and he will try to control more later. They usually start with "reasonable" demands for plausible deniability if others find out.
I think this DARVO (Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender) behaviour he is doing is part of gaslighting. Telling you he will listen if you speak calmly then not listening is definitely gaslighting. Trying desperately to phrase yourself just right with the right tone to get through to him is a sure sign that he is an abuser. He should listen the first time. You having more emotion in your voice should be more reason to listen and care. He knows he's hurting you.
Please read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft to understand what he's doing. You can download a free pdf by googling "why does he do that pdf'" or by this link https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf.
Why did you need to tell him about this post? Were you worried he'd punish you if you confide in someone about his behaviour without telling him first? That's a way of isolating you. He will read these posts and either try to invalidate us or he will convincingly apologise for "not realising" (a lie - he knew he was hurting you). He will say he'll change but the act won't last long and his crazy-making controlling behaviour will get worse in the long run.
this is probably not the book you are looking for, but from these topics you may want to peruse the book sex and destiny by Germaine Greer. I skipped the sciencey chapters because it's old book and we know more about the human body now, but her commentary on children / child rearing / why people got married and had kids in the 1980s is so enlightening. Wouldn't include any keywords about generational trauma, but it does paint that picture if your parents / grandparents were waspy in the 80s. This book changed my whole life now that I think about it.
https://www.amazon.com/Sex-Destiny-Politics-Human-Fertility/dp/0060151404
>The author of "The Female Eunuch" examines parent-child relationships in the West, Middle East, India, and Africa and explores the possibility that Western culture hates its children and takes little pleasure from family life
If your cat is already litterbox trained it's fairly easy. Some cats just won't take to it though. They are too stubborn, but I am pretty stubborn too! My cat was 11 years old at the time, but I have heard the younger they are the easier it is to train them.
I bought this kit and then used it per the instructions with a flushable pine litter. DO NOT FLUSH CLAY OR SAND LITTER. It will clog your pipes and you'll be calling a plumber. I made sure that there were no bath mats/rugs, boxes, or covered house style beds within range, so there were no litterbox-like places for him to use other than the toilet. The house I was living in at the time had a massive master bath, so I moved his litterbox into it for a few days before I started using the kits, along with his hammock bed and food & water, and he lived there when I was not home to monitor him until the training took.
I've only ever had issues when I moved around several times in a few months and did not close him in the bathroom for the first couple days at each place so he could learn where the toilet was. But again, some cats are too stubborn and 'fuck you' to take to the training, so judge the personality of your pet. It's always worth a try lol. It is one of the best things I have ever trained a creature to do!
hey op i know i already responded to your post but i replied to the poster above with this link and just realized you may be interested in this book too. i don't think you're in the us but the principles should still apply. you are right to want independence! One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture Is Eroding Self-Reliance
>Also we are conditioned by society to perpetually be in therapy. When I analyze it, it’s actually pretty obscene. We pay to share our innermost traumas with a complete stranger who may not understand or validate our experiences. Most therapists are not even well versed in personality disorders nor are they trauma informed. The field of psychiatry is also historically racist and patriarchal. Some fail to understand how deeply entrenched misogyny is and others don’t understand things like racial microaggressions or power dynamics. Some go into the therapy field for prestige rather than to authentically help others. And some are even wolves in sheep’s clothing themselves.
100%. You may be interested in this book One Nation Under Therapy: How the Helping Culture Is Eroding Self-Reliance
pssst guess what? I'd be willing to bet money your ex did the same sort of stuff to your kids that he did to you when you weren't around.
Source: my experience as a kiddo
Suggestion (has helped me with my family of origin stuff): https://www.amazon.com/Facing-Codependence-Where-Comes-Sabotages/dp/0062505890
I'm sorry this person did not respect your boundaries. I feel that the book, The Nice Girl Syndrome by Beverly Engel might be of use to you.
Please please please go by this book “psychopath free”. It’s what enabled me to leave my narc abuser.
You are not the problem here. He is. That’s the definition of gaslighting. The narcissist makes you feel like you were crazy and everything is your fault.
This relationship will only get worse. That is a 100% GUARANTEE. For your sake and your baby you have to get out.
Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425279995/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_BSGzFb7HR0XCV
there's a great book for unrequited love and friendships by Samara O'Shea called "loves me not" -i re-read it all the time. it's like a friend talking to me, with plenty of illuminating anecdotes to illustrate her points. honestly one of my favorite books of all time.
I actually wash my hair twice with the sulfate free shampoo. It lathers much better the second time for some reason. I also have stopped using a blow dryer completely and just air dry my hair.
I would recommend ceremonial grade matcha as it has slightly fresh taste and is for drinking the matcha tea. Ghis is the one I order from amazon. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Matcha-Powder-PureChimp-Ceremonial-Pesticide-Free/dp/B00HNDSOCI?ref_=fsclp_pl_dp_1
You use half a teaspoon each time and the water should be 80 celsius. You can shake it up in a flask with a whisk inside.
I think a great book for you would be The Game of Desire by Shan Boodram because most of the advice is practical.
When you do the exercises in the book (you can get a new notebook to use as your workbook if you like), you will get a better sense of what you want out of life and relationships.
another great tip from the book is how to write a job description for a man (sounds words but it's pretty genius) and how to craft an online dating profile for a better match.
Amazon link:
The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance--and Getting What You Want https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/0062952544/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_FucfEb2X7CY57
You can get certifications but getting a degree is the easiest way to go about it. If you're interested in being a software engineer, I would suggest trying to learn a bit on your own before switching majors. Maybe try a course at your school or online first centered around programming. It can require a lot of self motivation and you're expected to be able to adapt to new frameworks and keep your skills up to date so if you don't like it, you'll be able to weed that path out quickly. There are several other jobs in tech that don't focus as much on programming that you would be qualified for with a CS degree. Costs for bootcamps can be steep and unless you have the drive to delve deeper into cs concepts in your free time, I wouldn't recommend it especially if you have the opportunity to get a degree.
Check out the learnprogramming subreddit and the cscareerquestions subreddit. Also, free code camp is a good site to try out.
I've always craved masturbation and sex separately because I associate first with clitoral stimulation and the second with penetration. After about six months celibate, I started craving penetration really bad. Sex dreams like never before. If anyone else is like me, I suggest getting something like this. I've named mine Nigel and he's wonderful. And the best part is, I've finally had an orgasm while being penetrated. It was lovely and I even had a second, which is rare for me. I was always afraid to ask men to use a vibratory during sex, but not with my Nigel! :P
If anyone wants to read more about how this structure was created so that poor white men could have the same leisure time as rich men and how wives were used to replace actual slave labor, please read Brigid Schulte’s book called “Overwhelm” https://www.amazon.com/Overwhelmed-Work-Love-Play-When/dp/1250062381
The title makes you think it’s some self help book but once you crack it open, you see how it’s more research and social science based. She looks at historical models and discuss what works and doesn’t. And of course, us post colonial groups get stuck with this model too even though we have a closer connection to communal culture.
>What programming language do you recommend to begin with?
As a Software Engineer I suggest you start with one of the paths on https://www.freecodecamp.org/learn. They are good, self-paced and free.
DARVO Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Feeling like an abuser when you are in fact the victim of abuse is such a well documented part of abuse that it's in an acronym.
Here is a PDF of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. It is essential reading and will give you insight into abusers.
And here is a reddit thread with more reading recommendations and some perspective from others who have been where you are now. It also has a really good point about what to do when you start gaining knowledge about abuse, namely do not waste your time and risk your safety by telling your abuser that he is abusive or that you are gaining this knowledge put that energy into planning your escape.
I hope you find safety soon.
I’ve got a book recommendation for you:
I enjoyed it. This author has written a lot of material about neurosexism that has challenged many assumptions and pissed off a lot of scrotes!
28 Days by Gabrielle Lichterman. Understanding women's hormonal fluctuations turns "bizzare mood fluctuations" into something you can work with, manage and pre-empt.
https://www.amazon.com.au/28-Days-Reveals-Potential-Updated-Expanded-ebook/dp/B07R9XGPKX
And for a more recent example(TRIGGER WARNING): https://www.ecosia.org/images?q=french%20soldiers%20raping%20algerian%20women
french soldiers raping algerian women during(and before) the independance war that ended in the early 60's. It's never talked about internationally but it's fairly recent and so is the violence that came after. Slavery didn't end there till the 60's.
Hi! You can try Alice Miller's Drama of The Gifted Child. It is not exactly what you asked, but I find it more widely applicable (ymmv, I might be biased coming from a western background..) . Alice Miller was a pioneer in advocating that a child is worthy of Respect. She draws her examples from history and has analyses of the lives of famous people in her other book here:https://www.amazon.com/Your-Own-Good-Child-Rearing-Violence/dp/0374522693
I could write a book about this, but thankfully someone already has. It's not specific to BDSM, but I think you'll find it resonates with your situation. Worth a look...🤷
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0002YUX8I/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_navT_g_RT0QKMSYX3ZKSQKR7K33
If you can't have locks a door jammer will at least give you peace of mind. You can't save your sister but you can protect yourself
> First of all, there is a rise is pychopathy / narc traits in both men and women. That is probaly why there is a rise in women abusing young male willingness to sleep with anything.
There actually hasn't been a rise in anything, the media just overreports womem who abuse young boys: https://www.semanticscholar.org/paper/THE-"ILLUSIVE"-FEMALE-SEX-OFFENDER%3A-A-QUANTITATIVE-Chiotti/cd8be3a9679e9367d8926868e03169ad6c7a25d2
As u/throwaway23004345 said, older men tend to be even more entitled and disrespect their younger partners.
Not to mention that big age discrepancies can mean a higher risk of getting murdered. The older or younger he is the more likely it is he'll kill you.
This article popped up in my email today! Thanks FBI Agent! https://getpocket.com/explore/item/8-questions-to-ask-someone-other-than-what-do-you-do
Great vetting questions in there: "What are you looking forward to? / Where did you grow up? / Is there a charitable cause you support? / What’s the most important thing I should know about you?"
I wouldn't even mind being asked these questions in return since they deter Pick Me responses. And moving away from "What do you do" means I don't have to prove my financial worth to a possible scrote.
It's approaching that now. According to an online statistic I read, as of March 2021, 81.4% of the active profiles on Match.com are man; 18.6% are women.
They want and need us so much more than we need them.
I had NO IDEA that Tinder, OKCupid, Hinge, Plenty of Fish and Match.com were all owned by the same conglomerate! Can you imagine the sorts of data they have been mining?
Creeps!
Tinder and Grindr (gay version) are totally hook up apps, but Bumble, Coffee Meets Bagel, plenty of fish, farmers only, are supposed to be a bit more serious dating/relationship site, while match.com, and harmony, etc are supposed to be even more serious, marriage-minded sites.
And a (dense, scholarly) book that is also good reading as a fourth option:
Coercive Control: How Men Entrap Women in Personal Life - Evan Stark (he goes into legal analysis about how coercive control in the home is a constitutional violation in the US, as it deprives women of our constitutional rights):
https://www.amazon.com/Coercive-Control-Personal-Interpersonal-Violence-ebook/dp/B00VQVNCES
A necessary third is this book for professionals who work with abuser-abused couples:
"The Mind of the Intimate Male Abus@r - How He Gets Into her Head" -
https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME
It has a brilliant breakdown of what to watch for *in yourself* as you interact with these men, as signs that you yourself are being groomed by him.
I'm a big big big fan of the headline.
Unfortunately, the book also gets into how they need to be alert to "violence perpetrated against men by women." Which historically means that women's responsive violence (often scratching his arms while he str@ngles her) is going to be noted and penalized far more frequently and harshly than that of the actual abuser.
Only an approach that takes them into the power imbalances in the relationship - what are they? Who controls the money? Who does all the childcare? Who's social contacts have withered away? - will truly identify the abuser and allow services to adequately support the victim.
I wish we would pass a law requiring everyone working with abusers to read this book: https://www.amazon.com/Mind-Intimate-Male-Abuser-Gets-ebook/dp/B009ZW08ME It's written for professionals *outside* of the abusive relationship, looking in, and gives a clear checklist of what to look for as you interact with the couple, both in them and in yourself / your reactions to each of them.
Go to Goodwill or a resale store and buy a pair of the biggest men's workboots you can find (they won't cost much). If you have reason to be particularly worried, grab a men's jacket too. (The point of buying them used is they should show a bit of wear. You want something that isn't fresh off the rack.)
If you live in an area that allows fire arms, try to get a used g\/n cover and just leave it unzipped open and folded on a table off the the side. https://www.amazon.com/Allen-Daytona-Case-shotguns-Rifles/dp/B007ND0QQ0 Just the cover - any guy will do the math fast.
You can sign up for mailing lists under a male name / same surname. Leave those fliers lying around. Most maintenance people aren't going to look that closely, but it's an option.
I strongly recommend buying multiple cheap wedding ring/engagement-ring type rings and storing them where you might need them - a set in your car, a set by your front door, a set in your bag. If you're wearing them at work, you'll need something higher quality (someone sitting next to you in a meeting can pick up on the fact that a $22 ring has plastic prongs) and something you throw on to open the door can be cheap and unconvincing up close.
You can also buy pheremones that seem to make you almost invisible to men. Androstenol seems to work well, especially if you're a taller woman. It's almost like men don't even clock you as female.
There are venting sites with well-meaning people. I know they're not friends but they can certainly help you if you need to vent.
This will help you in low moments while you start making friends. :)
I think if I use apps when I'm ready, I'd like to use Hinge or maybe Match.com. I have heard good things about both. I know several people married to guys from Match.com.
I plan to attend Meetup groups and community classes that relate to my interests too so I can increase the chance of meeting someone in person. I'd rather do that if I can.
I think about this every time I see it brought up (and you are right - it comes up a lot on reddit). The major thing everyone glosses over: it wasn't even a study. It was a casual survey of OkCupid users. So right off the bat there was a major sampling bias. This survey was done around 2011. During that time, Match.com was seen as the main website for serious relationships and for people over 30 (This was also when online dating still had a stigma and most marriage-minded people would try things like speed dating) . OkCupid was the hipper , funner website mainly used by 20 year olds. It is what people used before Tinder. PUAs were everywhere. It could be used for all types of relationships but it was more on the "casual dating" side vs. Match which was geared toward marriage. So you can see the major sampling bias of surveying middle-aged men who chose to be on a casual dating site filled with mostly 20 year olds. That is a very specific group of people who do not represent all men. It's no surprise, when you lay out all the facts, that they got those results.
There are also other flaws that make this survey useless. For example, the participants rated user profile pictures not just a face against a white background. A 35 year old woman in 2011 grew up in the 80's and 90's before selfies even existed. A 20 year old in 2011 grew up in the 2000's and learned to perfect her best angles on myspace and facebook. Were they truly rating the person or the quality of the angles/lighting/composition/clothing choices etc?
I'm not saying that younger women are or aren't more attractive than older. I'm just saying that this survey is far too flawed to give any answer. If it was submitted to a scientific journal, it would be immediately rejected.
I could go on but you get the idea.
Log into your account and go to https://contacts.google.com , type contact name or address, click contact record, click the dots and then choose delete from the drop down menu. You can block him before you do this so it's well and truly taken care of.
You're welcome! If you are interested, I SERIOUSLY recommend Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving, by Pete Walker. That completely depends on your history, BUT I have worn mine out!
Also, I haven't read it yet, so I don't know if it's good, but I do have it, and its in my pile of "to read" books. But there is "Women, Sex, and Addiction: the Search for Love and Power", and its written by a woman, so that bodes well.
>“Being the narcissists nightmare”
Is this the book?
Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself -
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https://www.amazon.com.au/Becoming-Narcissists-Nightmare-Narcissist-Supplying-ebook/dp/B01B01O3PA
Here’s a link to the blurb
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Living-limerence-guide-smitten-Dr-ebook/dp/B085QM94QW
I find it interesting that it points out how uncertainty is key to limerence (romantic obsession/ addiction to the thrill)
That’s why male sociopaths will shower you in love then take it away….then act kind again. To destabilise you.
They deliberately play hot and cold once they’ve got you ‘hooked’ so that you fixate on the what ifs and keep rocking back and forth about leaving.
The key to breaking free from this is recognising you’re being manipulated- if you feel unsure or anxious that is a glaring red flag you’re not convinced & so you must convert that into an automatic bye.
Agreed. Every person I've ever known who was (keyword) into BDSM had horrible child abuse in their past. When I helped them see the connection, the revulsion was fierce.
Message for lurkers of any type: consider reading Body Keeps the Score, especially part 3
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It helped me understand my narc/ sociopath father and notice red flags in other men. He is "one of the good ones" anti porn and calls out other men even when they try and gather sympathy by pulling the "bad parenting" card.
My sister bought a portable door lock on Amazon for $15 and she feels way safer with it.
Portable Door Lock Home Security Door Locker Travel Lockdown Locks for Additional Safety and Privacy Perfect for Traveling Hotel Home Apartment College … https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08L7DNXT9/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_5ZP2X0RV4GTXMHAPCW3H
The book Fierce Conversations should be on every woman’s booklist.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/Fierce-Conversations-Achieving-success-conversation/dp/0749923970
This skill is vital for weeding out LVP quickly and dealing with them.
A HVP will engage with you to resolve conflict in this way. LVP will either be unmasked or refuse to engage/use verbal abuse tactics, at which point you know they are LVP and you can leave quickly and easily before you’ve put your life/emotions/body on the line.
These are all spot on! Gaslighting is so toxic! My ex was a covert narc and master gaslighter. I'm in the process of building up my self confidence and working on some trust issues and other emotional issues he left me with.
This Gaslight Recovery Workbook has been a great resource in my healing journey!!!! ❤
Sorry to hear that. I hope you find something that works for you. The one that I feel like is in between more modern day therapy and the woo stuff is somatic experiencing, it's science based but it's all about getting back into your body. There are therapists who do somatic therapy but you can also be a somatic experiencing practitioner and not be a therapist. The main difference between the patriarchal stuff and traditional feminine healing modalities is patriarchal is all about being in your head feminine is about being in the body. The book The Body Keeps The Score talks about this a lot including somatic experiencing as well as things like yoga and even dance to help get back into your body. Trauma disassociates you from it. On the more woo side things like energy work (there is a sub r / energy_work) and astrology as a tool for understanding myself more and life purpose etc.
I have been working through this Gaslighting Recovery Workbook
It's been AMAZING!!!!! it covers gaslighting in all areas: romantic, work, family... I've learned so much and have been able to start my healing process.
I've also enjoyed listening to Dr. Ramani on YouTube. She has so pretty great videos on narcissists and gaslighting. And finally, I follow Sarah Speaks Up on FB. She posts some pretty great inspirational messages about healing from this kind of emotional abuse.
Buy an adalock. That way no one can come in without you opening your door. Its like $15 on Amazon.
you can buy things like this online, they’re called a door brace or security bar/brace
fyi they are definitely a hazard in a fire, not just for those trying to get in but for you trying to get out, so you’ll have to weight the pros and cons
There are cheap (~$5) door/window alarms you can get on amazon. They are two magnets basically that you stick on the wall and window/door. When the door or window opens and the magnets are more than a few centimeters away from each other the alarm sounds.
I bought them when I lived on a first floor apartment and they definitely gave me some piece of mind.
https://www.amazon.com/His-Majestys-Dragon-Temeraire-Book/dp/0345481283
Basically it's the Napoleonic wars, but with sentient dragons. The main character is a dragon and his (male) handler. But the handler is definitely not low-value. Sex/relationships are minor footnotes in the story and only alluded to. And there are some awesome kickass women warriors of the human and draconic variety who are major characters as well.
It's not something that I miss in the way that some others do but I find that sleeping with a body pillow helps with the cuddling thing. I also find myself touching myself gently in non-sexual ways (rubbing my own neck, rubbing my own feet). Before the pandemic, my best friend and I always made sure to hug each other when we saw each other.
I have heard these are really good. I love the sensation of someone brushing my hair or petting me and I've heard these simulate it.
https://www.amazon.com/Massager-Body-Back-Company-Stress/dp/B001IHXFQK