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Read this book "Why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft. It really explains the abusive dynamic, and educates people on the tools and tactics abusers use. But please don't let him know you're reading it, don't call him an abuser to his face because it's dangerous, it might put you in danger. I'm sorry he's treating you like this, you deserve peace, kindness, safety, and the freedom to sleep. You deserve your life back. Dream a better life tonight, work towards it tommorow. You can get out, you can go to sleep every night safe and respected, just not with him. You deserve better. You can contact the national abuse hotline talk to them and make a safety plan, and get some local resources, shelters, outreach programs, advocacy organizations, and support groups. You don't have to live like this, it's so much better once you get out, I promise. I wake up every day beside a man who loves me now, who respects me, who would never hurt me even if I tried to piss him off. If I can get out, heal, rebuild my life, and find real love, you definitely can too. You are worth real love. You are worth kindness.
I'm going to link a book I'd like you to read, "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft it's pretty much THE word on abusive relationships and includes a chapter dedicated to your question. The best thing you can do is love her, and understand that leaving is the single most dangerous time in an abusive relationship, she's probably terrified. Don't tell her to leave, she's gotta come to that on her own. Make sure she knows that you support her, that she can come to you for help. Make sure your home is open to the kids, they need a place to go away from the abuse and drug use. She's being controlled with drugs, too. She's guaranteed to be ashamed and afraid of that, it happened to me. I know getting clean is vital, but one thing at a time, working on one helps with the other. I'm sorry this is happening, I've been in her position. I had 2 abusive relationships, back to back over a decade of my life, the second one got me addicted to meth and heroin. I'm out and clean now, in a wonderful relationship. The difference? Therapy, DV support groups, and sobriety. I didn't do any of those after the first one, and jumped into another abusive relationship almost immediately. It's possible to heal, she's just gotta work for it, and she may not feel like she's worth saving, I didn't. Read the book, point out his abnormal behavior, keep your heart and home open to her and the kids. Help her realize she deserves real love, and real love doesn't have to manipulate, hurt, or control.
You can contact the national abuse hotline and get some local resources to help you. You can make a safety plan, get information on shelters, advocacy organizations, and support groups. This is not your fault, you deserve so much better than how he's treating you. You can also read this book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft it really helps explain the abusive dynamic. Please don't show it to him, abusers tend to hate being called out for abuse, they often escalate their abuse dramatically to prove that their previous actions weren't "really" abusive, sometimes with deadly results. This isn't your fault, nothing you could say to him, no room you can enter justified his actions. This is 100% his fault, you deserve so much better. I'm sorry you're going through this, it's not fair.
I'm sorry that he did that to you honey you deserve so much better. I'd really recommend Why does he do That? By Lundy bancroft it can really help you make sense of why he does these things.
The silent treatment is one of the most damaging types of psychological abuse. It messes with your brain. I did a good amount of research on this a few years ago when it was happening to me. It is so so bad for you.
I've also read of it being called passive psychological violence. Seriously. It messes with your brain, big time. It should not be taken lightly at all.
Here's a book I read. You can download the kindle sample and get an idea of what its about. This man is abusing the living shit out of you, and the consequences to you, both mentally and physically are very real and potentially dangerous.
No, you are not overreacting. The woman you described definitely has abusive tendencies. She was putting you in a defensive posture on purpose in order to get attention. There are lots of commonalities among people like this, but one commonality among nearly all abusers is that they are never at fault. One of their most common tactics when confronted is called "DARVO". It stands for "Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender". This was my ex's favorite tactic.
As far as dating in the future, learn what to look out for and be ready to leave if you see several of these in the woman you are dating.... especially if she's rushing you to move in with her, or move to another city. This is why dating for a fair amount of time is a good thing. The red flags will come out over time.
This is perfectly said. If a man is always mean, a woman would walk. But during the good times, he hooks you back in. Seriously, read Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" Link to free pdf here: Why does he do that
I know his book's been shared ok this site before, but this needs to keep going.
Here you go: https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf. Please read it. Rerad it again. And then once more. Let it permate through the nedenial courtain he has built around you. And then you will se.
I'm sorry that she's been through so much, she deserves so much better. She's so strong navigating through this she's a real warrior and an inspiration to other women. I'm so glad that she has you to support her!
My main tips are... 1) Get a domestic abuse outreach worker or similar to help her navigate the system. Get someone who is used to dealing with the police
2) Dealing with the police is hit and miss. You might get someone amazing, you might not. Be nice and polite but firm with them (this is where an advocate helps)
3) When it comes to giving evidence people often destroy their own case because they well meaningly lie to protect someone or cos they're ashamed. Classics are "no I didn't do any cocaine" "no she doesnt know anything about it". If she lies and she's caught in a lie she's fucked.
4) Consider getting a civil restraining order, it's easier to get than a criminal conviction
5) Even if the case is too weak to get to court she has still done a fantastic thing, it's all on file and it can protect others in the future. She may not hear about the results but they can still happen
6) Has she read Lundy Bancrofts book Why does he do that. If not buy it for her! He's a leading expert in domestic abuse and there's no better book on DV.
Not for a single second once I learned that true change takes abusers years of dedicated hard work in a reputable abusers treatment program, and that the most abusers are way too selfish to actually dedicate years to fixing their issues. This book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft really helped me understand that they weren't going to change any time soon, that the promises to change and get help were empty and being used to reel me back in, and that the whole relationship was a calculated part of the abusive cycle, that the abuse wasn't just limited to the worst of times.
You did the exact right thing by getting out, I'm so proud of you for it. The longer you stay away from him, the longer you go without talking to him, the better you will feel. You can contact the national abuse hotline to find additional resources in your area, therapy and DV support groups are especially helpful. The more avenues of support you can use, the better. You can also read this book " Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft to gain a clearer perspective of what, why, and how this happened. It really helped me reframe my own trauma, understand it wasn't my fault, and that in turn helped me to completely turn my life around. I hope it can do the same for you. I'm so sorry he put you through all that, and I'm very impressed that you managed to escape in spite of him. What he did wasn't fair, and it wasn't your fault. I wish you well on your road to recovery, and hope that the benefits will be myriad, you deserve it.
Check out this book - it’s validating!!
How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved: Describes 8 Types of Dangerous Men, Gives Defense Strategies and a Red Alert Checklist for Each, and https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00LMKYXQE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_5G3DXYN5CA1N15T68H26
You Can Heal Your Heart by Louise Hay helps at times. And this one When Love Hurts: A Woman's Guide to Understanding Abuse in Relationships https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425274284/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_fabc_r6yQFb580K4FZ?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1
https://www.amazon.com/Psychopath-Free-Expanded-Emotionally-Relationships/dp/0425279995
This book has been a blessing for me as someone who used to date a narcissist. This helped me in more ways than one. I’m consistently going back to this book to remind myself why I left in the first place and that it’ll get better.
Firstly; his behavior reflects badly on him, not on you. It's not your fault and people won't think it is (it took me a while for this to sink in too). Secondly; I can understand that your parents reaction is difficult. My mother started reading this book when she found out I was being abused. It helped her react to it all in a helpful way and made me feel less guilty about it all. Maybe you can show it to them? https://www.amazon.com/Helping-Her-Get-Free-Families/dp/1580051677
Her behavior sounds abusive to me. Especially the phone checking, accusing you of cheating, stopping you from seeing friends, not letting you leave the house, etc.
You might want to check out In the Dream House, Carmen Maria Machado's memoir of an abusive relationship with an ex girlfriend:
There are plenty of books to help you. The book you are asking for simply doesn't exist because it can't. A gaslighter is not interesting in listening to you. Communication is a two-way street. Both people must choose to participate. An abuser is deliberately choosing not to listen to you or value your feelings. I'm sorry.
It sounds like the book you need right now is Should I Stay or Should I Go?, the definitive book on if your relationship can even be salvaged and, if so, how.
But nothing will make him listen unless he chooses to do so. Gaslighting does not occur because you just aren't explaining yourself well enough. It occurs because the other person only cares about "winning" the conversation, no matter the damage it does to you.
Have you ever listened to guided meditations at bedtime? I have done that every night since about 2017 because at bedtime it is immensely difficult for me to get sleep while dealing with my own trauma but the guided medications help me.
I also listen to binaural beats some nights while falling asleep. You'll have to wear headphones/earbuds though and I don't know how you might feel about that while sleeping. I'll link the Play Store link below but if you are using an iPhone I'm sure you can find a similar app.
Android: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.project.rbxproject
Link from the Sleep Foundation to help explain what binaural beats are in case you are unfamiliar with the term: https://www.sleepfoundation.org/noise-and-sleep/binaural-beats#:~:text=Binaural%20beats%20are%20a%20perception,difference%20between%20the%20two%20tones.
Splitting up might be the only thing that potentially motivates him to do better. Regardless, you'll be safer in any case. You deserve safety, respect, and love, OP. You didn't deserve the blame or the yelling.
I second the wedding rings. I wear them when I travel and it really makes a difference. Here's a very cheap set: https://www.amazon.com/Jude-Jewelers-Wedding-Engagement-Eternity/dp/B07RC7DND6/ref=sr\_1\_5?crid=1PHVAZ30B0Q11&keywords=cheap%2Bwedding%2Bring&qid=1666459032&qu=eyJxc2MiOiI2LjYzIiwicXNhIjoiNS42MCIsInFzcCI6IjMuOTYifQ%3D%3D&sprefix=c...
You have not described any genuine apology or account of change from him. "I'm sorry you feel bad" is the classic non-apology apology. It takes no accountability of his actions or why you feel bad. I also noticed he offered to do nothing to be worthy of forgiveness; he simply demanded you believe his lying promises and do so. What do you need to be able to go completely no contact with this abuser?
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
You could also try the aspire news app from Robin Mcgraw from when Georgia smiles for people in domestic violence situations "Aspire News App on the App Store" https://apps.apple.com/us/app/aspire-news-app/id1313564226 https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.aspireapp
Oh, I see! I type in "gaslighting", which the first autocomplete suggestion that comes up is "gaslighting is not real shirt". I try to avoid looking at the screen so I can avoid seeing it, as I finish my search for "gaslighting recovery workbook", as it's brings up one of the books I suggest to others.
It's nice to see others don't find this funny, either!
It gets easier! 👐
Tips on breaking a trauma bond:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
You were with him for five years. Of course you're not just over it in a couple of weeks! Emotional healing doesn't follow a timeline like physical healing, but think of physical injuries. Often, they can happen in an instant. It takes a mere second to be bruised or cut or break a bone. But the healing takes a lot longer. The healing is also best done under medical supervision, especially for deeper wounds.
Emotional wounds also take time to heal and often need professional support, such as trauma-informed therapy. While you wait for therapy, books like Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook and It My Life Now can help you begin the healing process in a directed manner.
And you want him because you're still struggling with the trauma bond. These resources can help with that:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
I'm so sorry you've gone through this. Good job standing up for yourself!
The trauma bond is one hell of a drug, but it can be broken:
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Trauma-informed therapy and/or attending a DV support group probably wouldn't hurt either.
Are you working with the psychologist specifically on breaking the trauma bond?
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
You got this. You can break away fully.
Part of therapy is a building a relationship with the therapist so you can trust them in order to open up to them. You don't just spill your most vulnerable traumas all out in the open immediately. Therapy is also for you. You may prefer to talk more about the impacts of what you faced rather than talking about specific things you faced, which may still be helpful.
But if you aren't ready to talk to someone you don't know and don't feel up to building that relationship, how about talking to someone you do? Is there a parent, grandparent, cousin, adult sibling, neighbor, aunt/uncle, teacher, music instructor, sports coach, etc. that you might open up to?
No. Abuse is not caused by any mental illness, so there is no cure or medication for abuse. Abusers must do the hard work of unlearning their abusive mentality and choosing to act differently. Abuse can occur alongside mental illness. Mental illness can impact how an abuser chooses to abuse you, but abuse is always caused by a core belief system that condones abuse. Plenty of people with bipolar don't abuse because they are not abusive; they are just bipolar. It is extremely rare for abusers to change. An abusive person with bipolar has double the fight because they will need to learn to manage their disorder and unlearn their entire worldview.
The readings below explain all this in more depth.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Did you check the link? It has tips. As I said, therapy will also be SUPER beneficial in doing so.
You can use this book, too: https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Bond-Recovery-Journal-Exploration/dp/B099TN9WCN/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?crid=39G3KMT95D6FB&keywords=trauma+bond+recovery+journal&qid=1662502793&sprefix=trauma+bond+reccovery+%2Caps%2C147&sr=8-5
You also need to block him so it's harder for him to contact you.
You can join a DV support group, too.
Here's people to talk to and they can help you find a therapist: https://nomoredirectory.org/
You aren't the one perpetuating the cycle. You're not the one with the power to end it. The only power you have is to walk away and save yourself.
Therapy often only makes abusers more effective manipulators. They need a specific abuser program which will challenge and confront their abusive mentality instead.
https://tu.tv/wp-content/uploads/2021/01/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Unlearning abuse is so difficult because it means I learning their entire world view and rewriting their entire sense of self.
These may be of help.
Emotional Abuse Recovery Workbook
It's really rare. These will help you determine how genuine he is and what rebuilding the relationship will entail, which will help you determine if that's even what you want.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
It 100% starts with individual work. He doesn't get to ask you to make sacrifices and trust him. He absolutely needs to sacrifice and prove himself, even if that means letting you go.
He's not changing. He's manipulating you back.
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
Yep, that's the point of gaslighting. :(
Here's how to be able to let him go.
It's extremely rare for abusers to change. Depressingly rare.
Here's how to break that trauma bond you're suffering. You're so young. I know that's so annoying to hear and even sounds pretentious. But you have so much life ahead of you. Don't waste the next five years just hoping you can get back together with him. Focus on your healing. Foster friendships. Take care of your education/career. Jump into opportunities. Don't limit yourself. Living your life on a deadline to talk to him again is going to cut you off from truly living your life. Break the trauma bond and let him go. You deserve better.
It's really rare.
First things first: is he able to admit that he was abusive? Has he detailed the work to you he did to change? Has he apologized for his abusive behaviors? Had he made room for your hurt and fear and been patient in reassuring you?
It is not on you to prove you trust him and aren't scared of him. It's on him to prove to you that he's deserving of trust.
If he's never directly addressed this, then odds are about 0 that he genuinely changed.
If you don't feel safe enough talking about this to him, then the odds of you ever feeling any sort of trust and comfort in this relationship are about 0.
You deserve a healthy and safe relationship that doesn't have abuse hanging over it.
Learn more below:
https://lundybancroft.com/articles/checklist-for-assessing-change-in-men-who-abuse-women/
I don't really have the energy for anger. I feel disappointment and shame, though.
I am practicing putting that disappointment and shame were it belongs: on my abuser for making the decision to abuse me, again and again. He is the one who failed us. ACT has been really useful to me.
Sounds like it's important to work on filling your life with joy again. What can you do?
- Attend trauma-informed therapy
- Sign up for a class through your local library or community college to learn a new skill
- Take up old hobbies
- Try new hobbies
- Join a hobby group (see meetup.com or facebook)
- Go to local events in the city (check facebook or your local radio station websites)
- Talk to your friends
- Volunteer
- Get a job/change jobs
- Join a physical exercise commitment (ninja gym, martial arts, spin, dance, etc.)
Isolation is a maladaptive coping mechanism. Rumination is an unhealthy technique. ACT can help rumination.
NOOOOOO, PLEASE NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!!!!
What abusers learn from these resources is how to more sneakily and effectively abuse you. They do not magically and suddenly unlearn their abuse or learn sympathy and compassion for you. These books are basically a fast track of what he'll take from therapy: better manipulation tools.
Please talk to a DV org and make a plan with them: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_domestic_violence_hotlines
I'm sorry. I see you trying so hard. Please remember this isn't your problem to fix. He's never going to change if he doesn't want to.
I highly suggest you read Lundy's other book Should I Stay or Should I Go? for an outline of what you can do to A) protect yourself, and B) attempt to force him to confront his abuse.
You're not going to like the advice because it's going to involve showing him he could actually lose you by you leaving or kicking him out. It is important you follow the steps fully and consistently if you have a hope of them working. Sorry. :(
Yes, it's highly abusive, which I was definitely concerned about when I saw the inappropriate age gap. This is a man you should be running from, not marrying.
Whether you choose to leave or not, the wedding needs indefinitely cancelled. Someone who tells you to kill yourself is not someone you should be marrying anytime soon. Marriage will make it much harder for you to leave, and he is very likely to escalate once he has utilized the law to help trap you with him. Marriage will never solve serious relationship issues. It will only compound them.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this!
Do you have any safe friends/family you can talk to and lean on?
Do you have a DV support group you can attend to get support in navigating this exhausting time?
Do you have a trauma-informed therapist you're processing with? Are you learning ACT or DBT with them?
Court can feel so all-consuming. Are you building up other parts of your life? Have you re-invested in hobbies, picked new skills to learn, fostered new experiences (going to museums, traveling, taking a surfing lesson, gone bungee jumping, etc.), taken up volunteering, exercise/move your body regularly, or anything like that? How about your self-care? Do you do anything dedicated just to self-care (therapy, spa days, self-massage, long baths, meditation, stretching)?
You've got this. <3
You say you're choosing to stay and work on things, but what is he doing to work on things? Did he enter an abuser program? Is he making safe space for you to feel your feelings and talk about how he hurt you?
The problem is that we are always willing to work on things. Abusers are never willing to do any of the work. They just want us to accept their abuse.
If he has said he will work on things, then he needs to back that up with action. It's not fair, but if he doesn't, then it's on you to enforce this by leaving if he won't change. He will never change if there are never consequences for him.
It lays out what needs to happen if he is to change, which includes you being willing to prove that he could lose you and this relationship. Choosing to stay and work on things means expecting more from him, not settling back into his abuse. :(
It's okay to feel devastated and sad and need to grieve the relationship. Do you have a support system currently? Does it include a therapist or DV support group?
Here's how to break a trauma bond and here'show to in workbook form.
I wish that leaving an abusive/traumatic situation was enough to automatically un-do/stop the long-term impacts of being abused and manipulated and gaslit, but unfortunately it's not. =(
Keep going to therapy. You're going to have to let it take the time it takes. You're going to have to put in the work. As long as you are willing to keep trying, you will get there. But these feelings are completely normal and just take time to work through. The damage done to you was done over an extended period of time. Un-doing it is going to take time as well. I'm sorry.
Here's ways to break the trauma bond if it's not something you've been specifically working on yet.
Keep on going. Just one day at a time. One foot in front of the other. You got this!
A trauma-informed therapist and/or attending a DV support group would be great starts!
Also, you can use these tips or a book like this for breaking that trauma bond.
I'm so proud of you for wanting to heal! Make sure you don't downplay how big of an accomplishment even this actually is. <3
Are you working on breaking the trauma bond: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Do you have a trauma-informed therapist?
Are you attending a DV support group?
Have you been able to talk to any supportive friends about how you're feeling?
Can you try journaling 10 - 60 minutes a day on your thoughts, feelings, progress, etc.?
You got this. <3
It's called a trauma bond. Here's how to break it: https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
Oh, and definitely breaking the trauma bond will help you with wanting to move on.
Don’t go backwards. Only forward. Start dating? That could distract you. Read the book, Attached. It will help you understand your attachment style as well. Also, another book called, The Mountain is You
https://www.amazon.com/dp/1949759229/ref=cm_sw_r_awdo_2JRD59YA8PPNRFY7QX4T
Have you ever gotten to speak with a (trauma-informed) therapist to help you process your experiences?
Can you work on breaking the trauma bond with these steps or a workbook like this?
"Big T" trauma is Trauma because no, you don't just "move past it". You need time, support, and likely help in order to process it and move forward with your life. Trauma can psychologically, neurologically, and physically impact us. It has short and long-lasting impacts.
If you had a broken bone, you could just wait for it to heal... but if you do that, it's likely to heal crooked and leave you with chronic pain and difficulty fully utilizing your arm the same as you did before. Your brain and spirit need the same type of care you would give to a physical ailment. It can take time, guidance, and sometimes even medication. It doesn't always just heal on its own by leaving it alone.
Take care, dear antelope666. <3
Please work on cutting the trauma bond so you can get him out of your life for good. You cannot truly heal until you've cut him out and walked away and gone no contact.
https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/traumatic-bonding-break-trauma-bonds.htm
https://www.amazon.com/Trauma-Bond-Recovery-Journal-Narcissistic/dp/B0946QH3KV
Do you have a trauma-informed therapist? How about a DV support group you attend?
I also have many recommendations it's hard to know where to start or which one is more appropriate for where you are at right now. I would recommend Dr Ramini on YouTube (she specialises in narcissism, but a lot of it is helpful to understand others cruelty).
This is a book by Pete walker (and I would recommend his survivor to thriver guide to navigating complex trauma- its incredible)
Also,
This book on recovering from codependency
Don't want to overwhelm you with lots of stuff. Hope you're managing to re-center
Possible? Technically, yes.
Likely? Fuck no. He's still denying what he did. How can he change if he can't fully, totally, completely admit where and how he did wrong?
Do not get couples counseling with your abuser. They use it as a manipulation tactic.
I hope writing this all out helped give you the resolve you need to leave.
This has helped others: https://www.amazon.com/Should-Stay-Relationship-Can-Should-be/dp/042523889X
My ex did this. This is classic abusive ex behavior. Suddenly they cant go on without you! Its natural to be actually concerned though because youre clearly a good person. If youre really worried, i would contact his mom through social media or a text (dont go see her, you dont need to be subjected to him or his family) and then promptly turn off notifications from her. Its not worth engaging or potentially being sucked back into his life. Just a "hey your son told me hes suicidal and lost 40lbs please check on him" goodbye block. If he ever directly threatens to commit in the moment, like "im going to to kill myself right now please come over/please call me/please come meet me im about to do it" call in a wellness check with the police and dont respond to him. Preferably go to a friends or your family for a few days/weeks after. My sexually abusive ex did this to try to lure me to being alone with him.
If you haven't already, try to set up a safety plan for yourself for safety around campus, town, and coming and going from your home incase he tries to accost you in person. Also, if possible factory reset and add a good vpn like NordVPN on all your devices, cover your webcam camera, put plants and things in your windows to obscure anyones view into your home, and make sure you have a friend or family member who knows where you are or who can check in with you when youre out by yourself. These are some tips my sexual abuse therapist gave me after my ex started contacting me obsessively, like yours also seems to be. If your university has sexual assault support services or sexual assault centre or something like this for victims, they may be able to help you avoid ending up in the same classes as him etc etc.
Im absolutely so sorry that this is happening to you. I hope you can finally cut this creep out of your life and find some peace and healing.
Thank you so much ! poetry collection I have it here on Amazon for 99 cents (wouldn’t let me Make it free lol). I would love to read yours as well!!
No worries, PM me if you ever need to talk more. "Why does the do that?" Is free to download online as a pdf.
https://www.docdroid.net/file/download/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Reading it for the first time can be really hard, there are a lot of painful truths in there and it can be earth-shattering to see how disappointingly common the same patterns appear over and over again
I may not be the best person for this. But I feel like I need to say it.
You don't have to forgive. I don't know who came up with this whole 'forgiveness' bullshit but I think its garbage.
I don't think its healthy to dwell on revenge fantasy. But for my situation I felt like having to deal with himself for the rest of his life was plenty of punishment.
I feel that as a woman, I was always taught I HAD to forgive everything. I was always told how awfulnit is to be angry at those who did you wrong. Why?
Why is my anger always invalidated. By my parents, teachers, family, society, and then by my abuser.
There is a part in the Lundy bancroft book where he is talking about victims and them being angry.
https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
>OESN’T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH HIS ANGER; HE HAS A PROBLEM WITH YOUR ANGER. One of the basic human rights he takes away from you is the right to be angry with him. No matter how badly he treats you, he believes that your voice shouldn’t rise and your blood shouldn’t boil. The privilege of rage is reserved for him alone. When your anger does jump out of you—as will happen to any abused woman from time to time—he is likely to try to jam it back down your throat as quickly as he can. Then he uses your anger against you to prove what an irrational person you are. Abuse can make you feel straitjacketed. You may develop physical or emotional reactions to swallowing your anger, such as depression, nightmares, emotional numbing, or eating and sleeping problems, which your partner may use as an excuse to belittle you further or make you feel crazy.
That about sums up my take on it. I love my anger. I embrace it. It gige me strenght. I don't allow it to rule my life but I definitely will not be letting go any time soon.
They have electronic bug sweepers on Amazon. I'd start there.
I understand that you sympathize with her abuser, but the fact you projected inward instead of attacking things outside yourself actually sounds very different. It kind of shows that regardless of his mental health issue or lack there of (I'm not a therapist so I don't diagnose), he is choosing to abuse. So either way she needs to get the f*ck away from him.
Dr. Lundy Bancroft argues in his book (Why Does He Do That: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men), that the possibility of mental illness as a direct cause for abuse is actually very low. According to him and his experience counseling them, people abuse for power.
That's not the ever the victims fault, abuse is only ever the abusers fault. Many abusers purposely portray their former victims as being crazy exs, often times their next victims are already predisposed to believe the abuser over even strong or irrefutable evidence shared by the former victims. Asking or shaming a fragile person to put themselves back in harm's way for anyone else's benefit isn't fair, nor is it really wise. These people are lucky to escape with their lives, asking or expecting them to step back into harm's way is not a good thing. Unfortunately, so very often even explicit warnings to the next victims fail to do any good, and simply put the original victims in more real life and death danger. The safest and best ways to keep others out of abusive relationships is education about identifying red flags, recognizing manipulation tools and tactics, and understanding what kinds of actions puts DV victims in more danger. We're trying to minimize risk to already vulnerable people, and while it feels counterintuitive, outing abusers rarely achieves the desired outcome. If you'd like to understand more about why this is the case, please read this book "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft it has a section dedicated to this very subject, chapter 11, titled the abusive man and his allies.
I'm glad you got out, and I'm sorry she's not listening. Try not to be too upset with her, she's already caught in his web. It's because he's charming and manipulative. He's probably already lied about you to her, you've most likely become labeled some form of the "crazy lying ex" trope and she's already been primed to believe him over almost everything. How did he talk about his ex's with you? Probably not very kindly. I'm going to link a copy of the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft it's pretty much THE authority on abusive relationships, what they are, how they happen, how to spot the tactics they use, and even understanding the ultimate question of why. I hope seeing his behavior called out and and that understanding more about it all will help you heal, I know it helped me.
Beyond that, are you taking steps to get yourself some help dealing with the stuff he put you through? It took me therapy and support groups to really make any serious progress in healing, after my first abusive relationship I didn't get that help and jumped immediately into another abusive relationship that ended even worse than the first. The national abuse hotline can hook you up with local resources for abuse survivors.
Here is the book "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft, its a wonderful resource for understanding the abusive dynamic. One of it's chapters is written specifically addressing your question, what can friends do. Please read it, and have her read it as well if you can.
https://www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Please read this and the comment I left on another post (click my username to see the quote I picked from this PDF book -- it is shocking and true).
I've spent at least 300-400 hours reading books and lectures. This was the FIRST text that made be go no contact and stick with it. Now when he contacts me all I hear are Lundy Bancroft's words echoing on my ear.
Also a few people have uploaded 2-3 talks/discussions of his to YouTube BUT the book is MUCH MORE informative.
Also maybe consider changing your number and then turning the phone off and not giving the # out for while. Tell your closest friends and family to email you instead. Turn off notification sounds on your computer and phone so you aren't startled and waiting for her to hoover you again.
Try to forgive yourself for the suicide attempt. These people thrive off of driving you to do insane behavior and then making it seem like you are the nut job. She basically felt rejected and then managed to get you back just so she could have revenge. Remember that...
Throw the phone in the trash if you must. You will see in that book the check list to see if they really have changed. Answers those questions every time before you consider talking with her again.
I know this book is directed towards women abused by men but abuse tactics are universal. Best of luck too you. Be patient with yourself. You made a big stride by changing your numbers the first time. Try to attach so much pain to having to fail at going no contact that you would just feel drowned in shame and guilt for treating YOURSELF badly by accepting this. Hope these words help.
What you’re describing is called an emotional flashback . Pete Walker’s is an excellent recourse for the stage of healing you’re inc /9 is this book - which provides so many examples and analysis of different forms of abuse in relationships that when I reached the stage of healing where you are now (learning what reactions of mine are mine vs my ptsd’s) I sat down and took notes on all of the ones that were familiar to me, and in turn it helped me be able to have more awareness of my own trauma history so that I’m better able to see if I’m reacting to present stimuli or if I’m having an emotional flashback to a form of abuse. The Body Keeps The Score is another very important read that examines the physiological changes that enduring trauma causes, though to my knowledge it is not available anywhere online for free. I bought my copy at my local Barnes & Noble for $16.
Perhaps this is a ridiculous suggestion, but have you considered messaging match.com and asking them if they could maybe stop running that commercial, because their model is actually an abusive piece of shit, so maybe they don't want that as their brand (this makes little sense logically, as he is presumably used as simply a pretty face, but emotional appeals can be powerful), and you have to be constantly reminded of him. I doubt they'd do anything, but it's worth considering, especially if it's a bit of an old commercial. You might be able to at least persuade them not to use him again. I don't know. as they say, if you don't ask, you don't get.
I have a journal.
C.R. Gibson Black Leatherette Dot Grid Notebook Journal, 6'' W x 8.5'' L, 240 Pages https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07NVMV6KV/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_glt_fabc_D24BHG428GFVVXDBFBVC
I use a journal for all random thoughts/musings/things I need to remember. I like this one bc I can be a little more random in how I write with the grid pattern.
do you have the ability to invest in a ring camera? I’d you’re able to, you should. you should also invest in door reinforcements (like this or this). I would suggest doing this before trying to get a restraining order. It will be harder for him to get into your house and give you time to call the police if he does show up.
I would encourage you to read this book: https://www.amazon.com.au/Verbally-Abusive-Relationship-Expanded-Third/dp/B005GNJF66/ref=asc_df_B005GNJF66/?tag=bingshopmobau-22&linkCode=df0&hvadid=&hvpos=&hvnetw=s&hvrand=&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=e&hvdev=m&h...
He may be wonderful 99 days in a row and only horrible for 1, but it’s still abuse.
We can all fall victims to believing they will change. I know it might seem like you will never get over the heartbreak, but you absolutely will. I'll be honest it will take time and conscious effort, but if you stick with it you will overcome the pain! After going to a tough heartbreak myself and having put myself back together, I decided to write a book that outlined the process of my recovery in hopes that it helps others who are dealing with a similar situation. Many people have encountered or will encounter heartbreak in their lives, I know I certainly have and the method I outline in the book has changed my life after heartbreak and has truly helped heal from a deep wound. If you are in a toxic relationship and contemplating leaving but are afraid to feel lonely or heartbroken, or if you are currently broken up from a relationship I believe you can benefit tremendously from my book. You can find the book by clicking on this link : https://www.amazon.com/dp/B08MVB1VJL/ref=sr_1_6?dchild=1&keywords=heartbreak&s=digital-text&sr=1-6. The book is available on kindle and it’s titled “How to heal when Heartbreak is real: 10 effective ways to heal and bounce back better than before”.
You need to read "Why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft: https://www.amazon.com/dp/0425191656/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_awdb_imm_t1_xFIQFb5960J0Z
This sounds like you are in the throws of a relationship that is very abusive. Your feeling of inadequacy is enough to tell me that. It doesn't matter what you did and how you did it, if you are chronically feeling inadequate, please know that is intentional and by design. This is not about your short comings, its about putting you in a position of servitude by convincing you your inadequacy are so huge you should be grateful for the opertunity to show your partner how much more 'perfect' you can be.
I recently read Dangerous Personalities, in part because I am fascinated by bad people and it kept being suggested to me on Amazon, in part because of the Netflix series Mindhunter (which is awesome), but mainly because there had been so many warning signs with my cousin's now ex-husband that we all ignored, but if we'd connected them all together we would've realized he was a narcissist to a dangerous degree and would've taken earlier steps to help her.
Anyways, that book gives checklists that the author (who was an FBI profiler) would use to determine if someone falls into one of four categories of people who he deemed most likely to be criminally dangerous. They're not really meant to diagnose someone with a disorder, just to help you be more informed of how dangerous someone you know might be based on things you know about their actions and personality. It sounds to me like your fiance might check enough boxes on the emotionally unstable list that he's probably a threat to those around him. I would get away from him ASAP and accept that he's very unlikely to ever change with respect to the character flaws that make him dangerous.
For me one of the biggest things that helped me relinquish a lot of the shame and guilt I felt after my abusive ex and I broke up was gaining a better understanding of the mindset of abusers and why they do what they do. The book below was a HUGE help in me letting go of the anger and resentment I had, and forgiving myself for putting up with the abuse for the amount of time I did.
Why Does He Do That?
https://www.amazon.com/Why-Does-He-That-Controlling/dp/0425191656
This guy is the worst! Once you leave him you will start to get your confidence back. He is awful! I second joining Female Dating Strategy. They will help you see that you're worth so much more.
Also read Why Does He Do That. It will help you untangle the mess he's made in your mind.
Good luck xx
Why do you think it is that you care more about him than you care about yourself? You’re not being selfish by caring about yourself more, FYI.
Only you define your self worth, don’t give him the keys to the car and let him determine that for you. Abusers prey on empaths because they love the idea of being worshipped and empaths are kind and compassionate so it’s like two magnets drawn to each other.
I would recommend Human Magnet Syndrome and Codependent No More. Both offer great insight to the narcissist/empathy relationship.
Stay strong, you can do this :)