I’m so single, amazon keeps bugging me on whether I want to buy the boyfriend pillow that’s hanging out in my online cart. NO CYBER MONDAY SALE, I DON’T BUY ^^^^But ^^^^Maybe ^^^^on ^^^^Boxing ^^^^Day
Fine not impotence, erectile dysfunction then. Both not being able to sustain erection or get an erection in the first place are both just treated with viagra anyway.
Web MD disagrees with your claims that it's only mental, and erectile failure mid coitus is considered erectile dysfunction.
It is to the first point, it gives allowance for poor behavior based on gender. Women are not allowed this in the same way men are--we are chastised for the same behaviors that men are not, because...well, "boys will be boys." That is matter of factly stating that men are incapable of evolving beyond those base urges, and thus excuses poor behavior. It's 2019. Saying this phrase and believing it perpetuates the allowances for poor behavior SOME men have. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/the-problem-with-boys-will-be-boys_b_3186555
And you might be right on that last point--doesn't make his actions any less shitty, immoral or disrespectful without any regard for my feelings our autonomy. I still do not excuse or condone that behavior given our many discussions and our experiences together.
I was you, and I didn't end up marrying anyone. Years later, as my friends are getting divorced, it turns out their spouses weren't perfect. The secret no one shared when they were thirty, that they are sharing now that we are older, is that most of my friends found a respectable guy, and just made it work. No one got their "prince charming", but men that were also interested in having a family.
I know it sucks to hear it, and you look at others who have "great marriages", but the truth is you don't really know what is going on inside of their marriages. There is a book you might find useful, "Marry Him - The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough" .
It is really about finding that guy that has decided he is ready, ultimately it is men that hold the keys to marriage. Sadly, I feel for your generation, as their are so many incentives for many men not to want to settle down.
For anyone interested, I am currently reading Mastery of Love - A practical guide to the art of relationship . It is about precisely this topic. It focuses on being responsible for your half of the relationship, picking a partner, and living your life through love rather than fear.
It also looks at it from the perspective of any relationship, not just romantic, though it does focus a lot on romantic partnership.
It has been really eye opening for me
There’s a book called The Gift of Fear that goes into detail about how to identify and protect yourself from violence. It’s an easy read & what you’re talking about is one of the things that’s covered.
I'm still not sure if your problem was with her actual phrasing or the phrase she probably meant to type. Try reading up, maybe. The Ethical Slut. Opening Up. It's ok if it's not for you, no need to complain about it though.
There are dozens of reasons I lose interest or let the conversation fade. Sometimes it's something innocuous that leaves a bad taste. Sometimes I realize I'm not invested at all and don't care how the person is doing/feeling/answers random questions. Often though, I just get busy and have no time to bother anymore.
One thing that has turned me off to OLD lately isn't even OLD. It's this sub and the constant barrage of people saying they've had enough of OLD. It'll never end. Forever alone. Ugh. Any kind of dating is what you make of it. Of course it gets to be much at times and people need breaks. Before OLD breaks were just being single and making yourself happy. Or being single and downing a bottle of wine during TGIF and sobbing a bit at Urkel. Now it's some big ordeal that we all have to whine about on the internet. I think I've just been spending too much time in this sub. It been a little bit daily for a while. I much more liked my once a week or less fill. /rant
Go commiserate with friends for a bit. Take the break. There's a whole ocean of people out there. But don't pick any of them, they're probably all dead.
>Lol and people are still hating! I got you girl...this really isn’t the place for that kind of question because as I said before, you’re going to get very skewed opinions that aren’t necessarily representative of the male population as a whole (see triggered responses above).
If you really think that is "hating" then I'm surprised you have the courage to wander into the wilderness of the webs on your own.
I'm kind of sick of this female gaslighting method women are using lately where they declare every criticism a man might make to be a "triggered response". In point of fact, writing a vent post (against this sub's rules, by the way) is much more of a "triggered response" than telling someone that it is a fact that higher BMIs lead to health problems.
Just FYI, it is women like you who are the primary reason I don't post in this subreddit very often. Oh, and one final point: I have a bachelor's degree in coaching studies and athletic performance. I'm not giving a "skewed opinion". I am stating, normally with appropriate links, simple facts of weight-related health risks that you yourself could easily look up if you were in any way inclined to do so!
Get a copy of the Amazing Spider-Man (or whatever is his favorite) from his birth month and year (like October 1981 Amazing Spider-Man ) ebay or a local comic shop. A frame from Ikea
Pretty cool I think, and very different, plus not very expensive.
No, it doesn't, which is why it's so weird that you're so shook when the tables are turned and you are confronted with the fact that advanced paternal age has been linked to various mutations and defects. Science is becoming MORE, not less certain about this. https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/getting-pregnant/expert-answers/paternal-age/faq-20057873
So hard to Google?
Not a huge concern, but it never is until it's YOUR child that it happens to.
Yeah I doubt the homeless are using match.com or other paid services due to lack of funds. Then again who knows if the barrier of entry isn't low enough for them. Probably an unpopular opinion but if you can't afford to live on your own you shouldn't be dating.
I hate to play devil's advocate here, but clearly you are looking in the wrong place. I would go for match.com. What were you hoping to get with a site like that? You will only get the bottom of the barrel.
You should listen to Alison Armstrong. Specifically there is a section about timelines.
In Sync with the Opposite Sex: Understand the Conflicts, End the Confusion, Make the Right Choices https://www.audible.com/pd?asin=B00B00EF9Q&source_code=ASSORAP0511160006
You shouldn't wait forever but 5 months doesn't seem like the point to bail. The guy didn't say he didn't care. He just said he wasn't ready yet.
Go to your local library and look at their travel books to see if there is a recent one that covers the areas you would like to see.
Or buy a book like this on Amazon.
Totally agree with this. A larger social circle usually means more emotional support. And also keep in mind that becoming friends with someone means that you now have access to THEIR social circle as well. They may know someone with whom you would be compatible. Have you tried meetup.com? It offers a-lot of opportunities to meet new people while doing things you're already interested in. A friend recommended it to me after college when I moved back home and realized how far away I was from my friends. I honestly had no idea how to make friends outside of school. In college you meet so many people that it's basically impossible not to make friends but outside of college I didn't interact with new people at all so my social circle was down to like 2 people.
Omg you are getting so far away from the point it’s ridiculous. You are wasting my time because you can’t argue with someone who just wanna be left alone from sexist men like OP.
Here. Read this. Yes, our basic need is love and people around us, but no one is entitled to a relationship if it comes on the expense of someone else’s need for safety. I (and many women) don’t want strange men just walking up to me in the street just because they want a relationship. They WANT a relationship, they don’t NEED it. And they CHOSE this approach, it’s not the ONLY ONE.
Consider this my last reply. Feels like I’m arguing with my teenage brother.
Tinder in my area is full of fake or what I'm guessing are expired profiles. I had the same experience on Match.com previously.
People delete the app and assume it deletes their profile is what I'm guessing.
I'm sick of this rollercoaster shit. I went out solo on Saturday, sat myself down at a table of three ringless women and talked my way into their cards against humanity group for about two hours. At the end of the night, I asked the cutest one out and got told she had a boyfriend, but I was still on top of the world; I'd gone out, found unmarried women in my age range, cold approached and inserted myself into their group, and asked one out with confidence.
The next day, had a coffee date from a girl from Match. It went OK, but when I texted her later, she gave me the brush off. She wasn't cruel, but it just seems like the same goddamn motherfucking shit my ex-wife said, 'you're great, smart, funny, but. . . ' It also happened a few weeks ago with a cute lawyer in exactly the same way.
Then I ran into my ex-wife today and she looks fantastic and I'm 110% sure she has 3929392 people chasing her online and in real life and I just don't think I'm ever going to find someone.
Match.com says I've sent 250 messages to women in my area; I've gotten one semi-FWB, one girl who ghosted me after 3 dates, three girls who showed up on the first date *significantly* heavier than photos suggest, one date with a girl who was just too angry and weird, one girl who looked like she'd been run over by a meth-lab after her photos were taken, and the girl who met-then-passed-on me yesterday. Not one of the women I've gone out with held a candle to my ex-wife physically, or cognitively and I'm really starting to be fearful of a lonely future, or one where I significantly settle, which I'm not sure is the foundation of a healthy relationship.
Match.com still works for me too. You may have some malware or thinly-disguised malware on your computer. Check your browser plugins for anything that might edit webpage content.
It's not the only answer, but also try https://www.photofeeler.com/
I followed their blog and upped my attractiveness rating to a 9 from a 5 best for a recent pic I think. (Conviently I do have a super-adorable dog - their suggestions to take pics outside and with a dog - I also got a remote for my dSLR and got them nicely setup.)
Of course their blog will relate to what their voters like, which may not relate to what the people viewing your profile think.
Anecdotally, it does work and I do seem to have done better with new pics based on that.
>They 10,000% are. I spent a lot of time talking to the doormen of my previous building, and they just had hours and hours of stories about men and women bringing in a revolving door of different partners throughout the week, asking them to disable their partner's keys so they would have more time, and things like that.
This made me curious if anyone's ever published a "confessions of a doorman" type of book, and sure enough, there is a book on Amazon. Not sure why I never thought of how much doormen know, but it makes sense, since they witness everyone's coming and goings.
I have this bluetooth remote for my phone. There's also a cheaper one on amazon for like $2. They work with your regular camera app on the phone. There are also cheap tripods on amazon, but you could use the coffee mug idea too! Take a bunch of pictures and then pick the one you like the best.
Also, slightly overweight isn't a deal breaker for a lot of people, but it's nice to not be surprised. I went on a date with a guy who had posted mostly head shot photos, and also had older pictures of him from x pounds ago. He turned out to have a slim face and a large belly. Which wouldn't have been a deal breaker, he was awesome, but it felt dishonest in a way. I also don't get it--like if someone feels that unconfident they have to be stealthy in their photos, why not work hard and lose the weight? That has to be a much better option than going through life feeling insecure.
Anyways, now I'm just rambling. Good luck with your photos!
This book really helped me when my wife of 6 years basically said the same thing. “I love you but I’m not IN love with you.” Didn’t want to try to fix it. Just wanted out. It’s been 8 months of growth and self-discovery and I feel so much better than I did. I probably won’t try to date until 2021 at least, but that’s ok. Maybe we’ll run into each other.
I've never read this book, but sometimes I think I should (Amazon non-referral normal link)
"A Random Walk Down Wall Street" is a classic investment book now in it's 11th edition. It provides useful graphs and examples of why certain styles of investing have done really well, and are even benchmarks for most investors. A local library probably has it available to check out for free.
Reading OLD profiles posted by women, a fair few of them seem to be crying out for a friend, not a lover. The profiles are almost desperately stating "don't contact me if you are after sex" ... why are you on a dating site? What do you expect from a man on a dating website? What do you think they want? I think they are looking for meetup.com, not pof.com
You go to Meetup.com and find groups with your interests then go to the meetups that they've organized. Many people have social anxiety but you can't expect to meet anyone to date if you don't actually get out there to meet people. I'm introverted AF but I joined a bowling league thru that website because it's good to step our of your comfort zone.
Getting a bright AF lamp has really helped me, and was recommended by my psychiatrist. Really helps with the "doldrums" as you put it.
I would be honest with your GF that you're dealing with low mood and maybe depression right now, and that you're going to be proactive and deal with it. And you gotta follow through. It's okay to go through mental rough patches - what matters is what you do about it.
I think a book that might be a good fit for you right now is "The Mindfulness and Acceptance Workbook for Depression." https://www.amazon.com/Mindfulness-Acceptance-Workbook-Depression-Commitment/dp/1626258457 There's a lot of content regarding getting in touch with your core values and goals for your life, and then connecting your behaviors to those goals. I appreciate that approach vs. a more disease-based model for addressing depression. I think it's a good one even if you're not clinically depressed, but going through a rough patch and need help. I feel like it highlights what you can do about being depressed or unconnected to your life. It sounds like you value being a supportive and connected partner for your lovely girlfriend. It also sounds like you are/want to be a basically upbeat & optimistic person. Both of those sound like good jumping-off points for re-orienting your life towards living your core values. It IS emotional work on the level with therapy, in my opinion. Putting in the work to do better & feel better is always worth it.
haha to be clear I'm talking about lucid dreaming! this is when you're actually asleep but aware that you're dreaming. with enough practice, you can exert control over your surroundings. I don't enjoy casual sex but I do enjoy dream sex this way :)
Like I said though, it's kind of a far-out suggestion since not everyone naturally lucid dreams!
Thanks for sharing this, sorry for your loss. Your post is down to earth and realistic. Indeed you live in an area with low population density, many married couples, not that much divorcees, and perhpas you are too many years older than the remaining single population.
On an urban area, a male age 34 is barely beginning its prime on many areas of life, but on dating, it also depends on your target market. Do not expect that if you move to a larger city you would smash it with females under 25, but there will indeed be a much larger amount of options 28-35.
I would not reccomend to move solely for dating, as modern dating is already brutal as it is. You can plan your life as location-independent, save money, get interesting hobbies, etc.
Also, you might to open bumble and tinder, and change the location to a city where you might see yourself living for a year or two, and gauge your success rate there to give yourself an idea.
In past decades, people in rural areas did dating via postal letters. Literally, they posted a single ad post on the town board or the church's local board, and begin to send letters and become penpals and then perhaps meeting months or years later. Today that is done via match.com and okc. Bumble and Tinder are 85% how physically attractive you are, and the rest comes later.
Oh god, I could go on about this for hours. [The Flight Deal](www.theflightdeal.com) is a good place to start for newbs. They post specific airfare deals and lay it out pretty clearly how to find them. For more experienced people, the Mileage Run message board and ITA Matrix are great tools as well. I usually always use the ITA Matrix when I'm planning any travel. Notable rountrip tix I've book include $80 Philly to Vegas, $400 Newark to Copenhagen, and $400 Philly to Dublin.
Has a great foreign accent.
Blue or green eyes.
Can tell a great story.
On the phone all the time.
Dirty or cluttered house.....lazy.
Believes in either political party too much.
Irresponsible with money.
No sense of humor.
Thinks reciting a laundry list is telling a story. Go to 3:20 https://www.buzzsprout.com/132640/598405
Had the exact experience with eHarmony. The vast majority were women whose profiles always included some variation on "must love Jesus." And also, dogs, for some reason. Match.com is pretty similar in my view, though the variation of women with differing political or religious beliefs is a somewhat better than eHarmony (though not by much).
It's gotten to the point that I wonder why Christian dating sites exist, as Christians seem to flock to so many other ostensibly secular OLD sites. I'm nominally Christian myself, but find the religious litmus tests on a lot of these profiles off-putting.
>I feel alone as I don't have that circle of friends since I never stayed in one place for very long.
I heavily identify with this. I had a somewhat similar life as you in my 20s. However, I was single during that time, not partnered.
About 3 years ago, I finally moved to a city with the intention of staying mostly put. Have you done that? Or are you still traveling around?
I have found that things get better and better the more I invest in this place and my life here. Kind of a "you get out what you put in" dealio.
I have started some volunteer work. I've gotten involved with groups related to my hobbies -- mostly climbing, but also hiking -- I've met LOTS of new climbing friends/partners, and some of them I'm social with outside of the sport, too. I also joined NextDoor for my neighborhood -- I have found several social outlets there, actually. A girl in my neighborhood started a women's board game night (right up my alley), and two of the ladies from that group are now actually friends of mine. I've also been to a book club meeting -- trying to decide if I want to invest more there or not; most of the ladies are significantly older than me. I have seen men on NextDoor post about looking for new members for their paintball team, or guys to play golf with on weekends. (The bonus with NextDoor vs. Meetup is that you can also find people to loan you a weed whacker, give recs for home repair contractors, and find lost pets in your 'hood!)
Anyway, my point is, if you're not already, invest in your life in the city where you live. Become part of the community. Care about it and the people who live there. Connections will naturally follow! Best of luck, my friend.
You should read this book, it might help you see why. I'm no expert, that's why I don't want to give my opinion but this book can clarify things.
The Molecule of More: How a Single Chemical in Your Brain Drives Love, Sex, and Creativity and Will Determine the Fate of the Human Race
Therapy. Sounds like this is a pattern and until you figure out what’s driving you to repeat this pattern, it will happen over and over again. Therapy is the best way to figure that out. You can also read books about relationships and attachment styles to help you understand your behavior. This particular situation sounds like you have an insecure attachment style and he has an avoidant attachment style. People with anxious attachment are attracted to avoidant attachment people because there is something familiar about it to them. That’s where the therapy comes in. Don’t give up, just do the work that will lead you to a healthy relationship.
Don't use the new solder. It's crap. Use real lead/tin 60/40 solder. Thankfully, Amazon has us covered.
That teleporter is halfway built!
> I want to be a better man overall, someone friends and family respect and look up to and value and appreciate, improve on both superficial and depth.
I don't know that any one can give someone else role models, but maybe start by making a list of things you think make someone a good man? Like what type of character traits does that person possess? Then see where you match up with who you currently are to the type of person you'd like to be. I'm personally a big fan of self growth books, such as the classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. I look on amazon to see which are highly rated in various topics I'm interested in improving. One book I've heard good things about (but have not read myself) is No More Mr. Nice Guy.
Title is sadly right on, and many women learn this too late.
However, no matter how strong an attacker is, he still has the same human vulnerabilities and weak points (eyes, throat, joints) that a trained person can take advantage of. That’s what I learned from this book
When Violence Is the Answer: Learning How to Do What It Takes When Your Life Is at Stake 400+ Reviews, 5 stars on Amazon
A book suggestion on self defense and learning to be okay with inflicting extreme violence on someone attacking you and your life is in danger:
He strips away all the bullshit from self defense, no stupid hand moves or knife blocks, and boils it down to being prepared to be violent and to inflict maximum damage on someone who is attacking you. That’s an uncomfortable thing just to write, and that’s the point of the book, how to get over that and be ok thinking like this when the person attacking might rape or kill you.
He includes a lot of crazy stories of past students: One 19 year old woman with her bare hands and a little luck killed a man who attempted to rape her in her college dorm room. Another woman who had been attacked, then bought a gun and a German Shepard, was attacked again in a parking lot and unable to get to the dog or the gun. Thanks to her training she looked at the options available and broke the attacker’s leg (knee joint), disabling him.
This guy tours the country doing self defense classes which are way better than buying the book. Also has online classes.
I've spent a good chunk of my life single, and I agree. It's easy to fall into a comfortable rut.
One of the things I do is try on a new hobby every three months. The current one is drawing; I picked up a copy of Drawing on the Right Side of the Brain, the associated workbook, and some pencils and I'm working my way through the exercises. Even if I end up not sticking with it, I'll pick up a skill and--more importantly--I'm keeping my brain soft and open to new things.
I've got a long list of things I'd like to try but alas I'm a poor grad student who hasn't yet found work, so I'm kind of limited.
As Robert Pirsig (Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance) pointed out, "quality" doesn't actually describe anything. Everything has qualities; I could have the quality of being a d-bag, and it's still a quality. Colloquially it's meant to mean "good" and just today I slipped into using it (my bad, seriously) but, yeah, it's a lousy descriptor.
> We drove the same kind of car so he was not flaunting his wealth...
There's a book called <em>The Millionaire Next Door</em> that goes into how very well-off people often do not show any signs of it outwardly.
> Trust me; money does not buy happiness!
I tried that. I know it's not true. :(
I wish you nothing but the best of luck. I would grab a free language app like Duolingo and start trying to pick up a little Russian. You are almost as good as married!
And that could be a very good thing, but only time will tell.
There was just a post here about that. Hold on... Ok, here it is, posted by u/fenriswolff.
Not one site was rated above "poor" for quality of matches. :/ It's just the nature of the beast. And the free sites were actually better, apparently. Anyway, data!
Depends on the type of virus. I read that there are types causes warts, there are types that causes cancer. You should talk to a professional so you can make an informed decision. You can read up on it online too, but be warned there are a lot of scary pictures. I personally like mayo clinic's website. https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/hpv-infection/symptoms-causes/syc-20351596
No, not just men with low T or older. Men and women think about sex about as often, and how much anyone thinks about sex varies greatly from individual to individual. If you spent any time on r/deadbedrooms you would see that half the posters every day are women in relationships with men of all ages who do not want sex. And it is a sub with many new posts every day. What makes way more sense than your pseudo-scientific theory is that men and women evolved to have compatible sex drives, as this study shows.
You're going to be just fine (you'll probably be more than fine out there in the dating world, tbh).
If you go with dating apps, I think you'll find a lot of people in your age range that are relatively newly divorced and also navigating this new world. You'll also find women who have never been married and are looking for that and/or kids. Casual dating is totally okay, taking things slow is okay, wanting another LTR is also okay. Know what you're ready for and what you want out of dating (which can always change as time goes on) and be honest about it, not just with your dates but with yourself. It's also okay to tell someone that you've changed your mind about going on a date or that you just don't think the interest is there.
If you want something casual and want to go out with multiple people, just be respectful of people's time and feelings. Don't treat them like they're just the next one in the lineup (or, do, but own up to the fact that it's kind of douchey). You don't have to throw it in their face that you're lining up dates every night of the week, but you should let them know that you're not looking to get into a serious relationship.
Generally, I'd say that once people learn you're divorced, they'll ask why it ended (or maybe that was just me). If you can't talk about it without crying, getting super sad, or sounding bitter and angry, you're not ready to be out on a date.
Good luck with the dating, check out Food and Cooking Meetup.com groups, or dog walking groups, or go find a good neighborhood spot to hang out around.
as far as physically interesting to me there's not a ton of consistency but I have to admit I am partial to a full head of hair, height is not so much of an issue because I am pretty short so the vast majority of men, even short men, are going to be taller than me. I kind of like a Israeli/Baltic/middle eastern kind of look like https://tinyurl.com/y7geq9q5
As far as like personality-wise, I like a challenge: I have sort of a weird family of origin so I like when someone else can relate, think like someone who spent time growing up in a commune or something. Scienticians and IT guys seem to like me and I feel likewise, so like if I found a guy in his 40's who was a junkie in his 20's and is now clean with a good tech job and SMART, I am going to really be attracted to that type of guy. Smarts matter for a lot, it doesn't need to be represented by a degree. I am way more educated/"career" than I present so the fit seems to gel a little better at a certain threshold of intellect. Aggressively childfree. Introvert. A homebody who can adventure thoughtfully. I am probably happier with someone who is a little more traditional about gender roles. Surprisingly, it's not been totally difficult to find this type of person however the thing that sort of ends up missing from the equation is emotional availability, that seems to be where things consistently come up lacking.
I think that the smaller towns probably have more women who are willing to settle for what's available, thus they might not be as picky. That said, is it really a good relationship and what you want if your potential partner is essentially thinking, "eh, good enough I guess."? You also lower your options because as a whole there are fewer people, that means fewer women in your preferred age range. What if you move and there's no one local that you're physically attracted to, then what?
Have you thought about speed dating or Meetup.com (anything that actually gets you out of the house and around more people) rather than online dating? I feel like overall, online dating is more passive and therefore less likely to net results. Any guys with girlfriends who have gal pals they could hook you up with (comes with references for not being crazy is always a big plus)?
Yeah I have expanded to using POF, Bumble, and Match.com and sent HUNDREDS of women a message, or swiped right on trillions on Bumble, and I've had a grand total of ONE woman who ever even spoke to me and it didn't lead to a date despite a pretty good seeming convo.
It just seems completely hopeless. I have no idea as a mid thirties guy how the hell to get a date anymore.
I typically do the “zero date” for a first meeting. Match, chat minimally in the app, push for coffee or happy hour or a walk in the park. I just want to know, “Do we click enough to devote immure than an hour with you?” That could be extending the existing date, or making plans for later. No big proclamations of devotion, no decisions other than, “Do we want to explore this more? Can we enjoy 3 hours over dinner together?”
Don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Too many people (in my experience thus far) are trying to sort out if you’re soulmate material in 1-2 dates. Just have fun, enjoy meeting someone new, and go from there.
Why is it about men preferring younger women? Are women not responsible for who they date? It takes two to tango.
In fact, considering I've heard so many women from 20-40 (indeed, even in this thread) talk about how guys in their 20's aren't "relationship material," it's no surprise women go after older men who are seen as more mature and with their shit together. These men are more than happy to date younger women because they're more attractive and have lower expectations and generally less experience all around. I don't think it's fair to pin the blame on men for dating younger when younger women are so willing to date older men. I'd be willing to bet a good portion of women in this sub dated considerably older men in their 20's.
Zoosk did a study recently, but I don't know anyone that uses Zoosk still so take that with a grain of salt.
I'm terrible at judging my own photos, https://www.photofeeler.com/ is a semi useful place to test out potential dating profile pics.
I was in your exact shoes after a long marriage ended OP, it's really not as bad as you might imagine.
As a guy in the Phoenix metro area it feels like I'm just pissing into the wind trying to get dates through OLD. I've decided to spend more time going out and doing things in groups on like... meetup.com or going to shows of musician friends because I feel the same way. I'm beat up and tired of playing the OLD game.
You are an attractive guy and seem to be good natured. Like you said, it's a bit of grief and confidence issues. This book may be helpful. It's a quick read and I enjoyed it.
Hint: It's more about getting yourself together emotionally so the relationship can happen. Good luck!
It's all good. I bet you would look fab in a pair! Actually, the one I have is a "L" and I usually wear L tops and M bottoms but I can't button one button on both sides. So, meh! Living life with buttons unbuttoned. Ahaha. https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B082FVRYXN/ref=ppx\_yo\_dt\_b\_asin\_title\_o03\_s00?ie=UTF8&psc=1
None of my friends who are married or in serious LTRs are happy, except for one couple. And they’re oddballs, Christians who got together when they were 18 married at 22 with 4 kids now at 33. Their life isn’t what I wanted but I do love to see them happy. They inspire my dating decisions actually.
Just because people are with someone doesn’t mean they aren’t cheating, fighting, settling for something you’d run away from, or feeling imprisoned. You’re telling yourself stories.
For now I’d distance myself from that friend and you know what else? I’d look up dating advice to get better success with OLD. It has been helping me so much. I’m 33 and tired of being alone and tired of the dumpster fires. I don’t take 100% of what these people say seriously but dude they have some good points I’ve been considering and using to change my outcomes.
This guy is hilarious, watch his channel https://youtu.be/hQDjuN5c_Mk
This book is really eye opening (some of it is nonsense, but most seems legit) - https://www.amazon.com/Getting-Do-Secret-Doing-Relationships/dp/0380718154
Fellow Albertan here. This book might help with you shifting some of your self talk and attitudes about yourself:
You've overcame some of the hurdles in life that many do not. Be proud of that and keep on keeping on!
Left work early due to inclement weather and am now hanging with the kitties on the couch. Tomorrow I’ll be looking at two houses to possibly buy, then meeting with a friend to discuss my 401k options, then meeting with another friend at another coffee shop (I have a problem). Hoping I can see Dude after. Sunday is blessedly empty and will be filled with chores!
I also bought a countertop dishwasher today off Amazon. It’s currently out of stock, but I’m not in a rush and it was a good deal. I bought it with gift cards I purchased at Kroger for double fuel points, so I’m also milking the hell out of the purchase - I wound up getting 10.5 gallons for under $18.
God, I’ve gotten boring in my old age, haven’t I? Quick, someone take me out clubbing!
Me too, though I was able to find a very reasonable light set on amazon for $20. Works great!
I feel your pain. Never expected to worry about acne and wrinkles at the same time. Earlier this year I found a great one that doesn't break me out. I've used several made specifically for the face that say non-comedogenic, and they still fucked with my skin. I've been using Sunprise Mild Airy Finish for several months and it's fantastic - can't feel or see it. It's SPF 50 and $10 on Amazon. South Korea makes fantastic sunscreen. https://www.amazon.com/Etude-House-Sunprise-Finish-SPF50/dp/B00WE3XGAC
You know what is funny? I'm great w people, w talking to strangers, hanging out w new people, making new friends. Which is what you mention about yourself, that people would never realize what it really is happening inside your head. That's me!!! I mean, I love people, but the prospect of another breakup (I've had my share, and let me tell you, oh I've suffered) makes me really anxious. I don't have a problem being at a party or meeting new people. I love parties! But I truly want to die every time a guy I'm seeing rejects me in a terrible way. Like you, I always feel blindsided.
Also relatable in the success part. Success is really important to me, but I'm like you, I want the other stuff too, so I'm always stuck on this "not enough" thing in my head, cause I'm still missing so much and even if they are not related fields, somehow I feel that getting better in one will help in the other.
It's just hard. I feel you. But yes, we can not give up! Let's just keep walking, trying to get better. Like I said, it's not gonna get easier once we have the best hair, best weight, best vibe combined (I've had those days and it was not better, so yes, I'm sure), so might as well keep trying and improve on the things we can control, still being nice but taking less shit haha.
Also, a book recommendation: https://www.amazon.com/Everything-Know-About-Love-Memoir/dp/B0848PSK2G/ref=sr_1_2?dchild=1&keywords=dolly+alderton&qid=1595283447&sr=8-2 The author, Dolly Alderton was 31 and single when published (2 years ago only) it and it's a great great book. Funny and very relatable (she's still single btw). I just saw your posts, you're not alone, op, and don't you dare doing something stupid cause the world need doctors and I need more people like me out there hahaha
First, it sounds like your dating struggles are just the manifestation of a lot of anxiety and negative self-talk. I have personally responded very well to the written exercises - particularly the daily mood log - in The Feeling Good Handbook by Burns. You can buy used copies for cheap on Amazon. Maybe try photocopying the worksheets so you don't have to prop the book open while you reference those specific pages.
Those CBT exercises are basically a tool for examining our negative thoughts and self-belief and then replacing them with something more rational. It's not about skipping through a field full of wildflowers and puppies, but more about noticing when we're sliding into irrational thinking patterns and then performing a course correction.
Second, you mention you have both male and female friends, but are you comfortable socializing with new people? I know folks who have been hanging out with the same crew for 15-20 years. The ability to maintain close friendships is incredibly important, don't get me wrong, but it's a slightly different skill from interacting with new people who aren't friends yet. If you suspect that part of your dating anxiety might be new people anxiety, you might try shaking things up by joining a recreational sports team, taking a dance class, or joining a book club. Something organized or even supervised can feel "safer" than just meeting people randomly in the wild, but it can still improve your confidence when meeting new women.
This is an absolute pet peeve of mine and it's worse with group chats. I highly recommend the app LightFlow, which allows you to customize notifications-- in my case, I don't let my texting app beep more than once every ten minutes, so it doesn't matter whether I get one text or fifty in that span.
Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help YouFind - and Keep - Love https://www.amazon.com/dp/1585429139/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_W1bMBb86QK8MV
Determine your attachment style. You may be hurting the same way because of something inside you.
And therapy can’t be skipped. Maybe you’re subconsciously creating similar scenarios a parent pushed upon you.
> You don't need any of that to find a girlfriend, so I assume they mean a certain kind of girlfriend? I don't know. That just seems like an odd way to look at it. A woman wants to be a man's girlfriend she's attracted to him and falls in love with him. It has been that way for a long time, although I suppose not back in the day of arranged marriages.
None of the people who made these kinds of statements ever grew up in times or cultures where there were arranged marriages.
> You don't need any of that to find a girlfriend, so I assume they mean a certain kind of girlfriend? I don't know. That just seems like an odd way to look at it. A woman wants to be a man's girlfriend she's attracted to him and falls in love with him. It has been that way for a long time, although I suppose not back in the day of arranged marriages.
This is contrary to most advice I hear today. The typical dating advice I hear today is that if a man is single over the age of 30 unless he's an extremely rare genetic outlier, he has to satisfy all the following just to have a shot at attracting a girlfriend:
Should have a gainful career (not just a job)
Should be highly charming, outgoing, and assertive
Should only pursue hobbies that are in effect second jobs (i.e. they produce tangible deliverables that can be monetized) or that directly create opportunities to socialize with potential mates
should be highly physically fit
That's a synopsis of the advice most I've most commonly heard on Reddit and in real life. I haven't actually ready Models by Mark Manson yet (I plan to spend much of the next week reading and this book is on my reading list for my Christmas holiday)
You might be interested in this book: Models by Mark Manson. It's one of the few good books about male attraction that is not poisoned by the bullshit they're teaching in the pick up artist world.
Also, yeah, like the others said in this post: take your time. Between half a year to a year should be good.
A few weeks into dating my now-fiancé, we got this fun game called Let's Get Deep. It's got a bunch of cards with questions and prompts divided into three categories: Ice-Breakers, Deep, and Deeper. And we would just go through them whenever -- while we were cooking dinner, on road trips, or just sitting around on the couch drinking wine, etc. It was super helpful in just opening up conversation on all kinds of different topics that we may not have even thought about on our own. There's also an After Dark expansion pack, where most of the questions are about sex (we got that one as well). Anyway, I recommend them both.
I can’t recommend a spin dryer highly enough for anyone who doesn’t have a dryer - or does, but wants to cut down on the wear and tear to their clothing (and electricity bills).
I have a dryer, and I also have one of these
Using the spin dryer gets almost all of the water out, and then another hour on a folding drying rack and you’re good to go.
If she has the $200 to invest in this, it will make her clothes smell a lot fresher and dry a lot faster - and ideally, she can take her wet laundry upstairs to dry rather than hang it to dry in a dank basement (which will likely cause mildew smells in addition to the litter issue). Saves money (and time) in the long run, too.
For the kids asking you, the easy answer is to cover the whole, "Being selective in who you date/get into a relationship with is a great thing as it help you avoid BAD relationships that could have been avoided" speech they should have gotten from their parents but apparently haven't yet.
Married adults who hound you, simply point to the (get one) new sticker on your car's back window..., then glance knowingly at their horde of kids.
Could not be happier. I met a woman through an event done on Meetup.com. Although there are times where it felt bumpy/uncertain, things have settled down to the point where a lot of good things have happened (went exclusive, official boyfriend/girlfriend, said I love you to each other, and now are talking about a future together). I really hope it lasts and look forward to seeing what 2020 brings.
Not OP, but is there a trick to meetup.com? I regularly look on there, but there aren't active groups that I can be a part of. I'm not a gamer or techie or entrepreneur, I don't own a dog or have kids, I'm not female or a single mom. Is it just where I live causing meetup to not have anything I fit into or find interesting? I'm into stuff like cars, bikes, guns, music and psychedelics, but meetup doesn't have those things. I thought about doing yoga just because it is literally the only thing on there I am basically eligible for.
I'm so sorry you experienced all of that. I've been there. It sucks and it's not easy but walking away from these types of people is always the hardest part. So congrats on doing that and knowing you deserve better!!
Now comes the work on yourself. Therapy, yes. I'd also recommend reading books like "Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find - and Keep - Love" and "The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us."
They really helped me understand why I was picking the people I was getting involved with and how to recognize the signs of people who are avoidant and narcissistic and how I could better understand my own role in these relationships.
I'd also recommend taking up some new hobbies or getting back into old ones to not only meet new friends but to try something new, get out of the house, and help you find ways to build your self esteem. Meetup.com is a great resource for finding likeminded people.
Healing from this experience will take time. Don't beat yourself up for not knowing better or for putting up with shitty behavior. These types of people use love bombing and other manipulation tactics to weasel their way into the hearts of kind, loving, patient people and it's not always easy to see the difference between that and someone just trying to date you/get to know you.
Take it one day at a time. Rest. Move/exercise. Spend time with friends. Journal your feelings and thoughts. Reflect on your experiences. Slowly you'll build yourself up again.
It is hard to meet new people out of the blue, but one of the best way is to find some activities that might interest you. If you're a nerd, look for a fab lab, or maybe learning to dance might fancy your interest. Or trying improv. Or trying to help out in a soup kitchen, or at church if you're religious. Meet with gamers in person, if you're into computer gaming ... find what YOU like.
Check out meetup.com or such sites for some inspiration - the important thing is to find some activity that is intrinsically interesting to you (don't go somewhere "just to meet people"). Most of the time the people that are interested in a common topic also get along quite well.
This wont make you meet your next date next week, but it's a good step to open up again.
Something like this never happened to me personally, but I've got a five-year friendship "plus" with a woman whose husband died some years ago of cancer, so I can relate to the issues still having feelings for that person. When you meet somebody new, you don't need to "get over" the feelings for the one you loved. Your fiancee will be in your heart as long as you live - picture growing your heard in order to make place for something new, not moving out what is already there.
So don't "move on". Just add some more to what you already had - and I would like to believe your fiancee would wish the same for you had he/she know about what was to happen. When you meet somebody later on, it will be some completely different person, not a replacement. (That's the only no-no - don't look for a second rate "replacement" - that will not work out). Find somebody who does not feel threatened by your feelings for your fiancee, because he/she knows the current and the past are different things.
I was married for 25 years and if I could have that relationship back, I'd take it in a heartbeat. Yes, it's hard. Yes, there are sacrifices., Yes, it actually takes work. But the rewards of a loving wife and family are so much more than what you put in. With that said, and that relationship over for 10 years now, I find that at 66 years old, i am no longer interested in doing it again. I am able to get socialization through something called Meetup.com which isn't a dating site but an activity site (hiking, camping, kayaking, etc) with groups of people. I get my physical intimacy through SBs along with maybe a little emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is the kicker, I saw a new term for me on here SGF....maybe I should look at that some. I guess the point I'm making is to the younger guys...don't pass up a good thing with a good woman. It's worth so so much more
Not sure how encouraging OP to attempt matching with demonstrably less popular candidates (unattractive, short, ethnic minorities) makes this an unsafe space for them or for her.
If you want to just get the ban over with, I humbly submit this selection for retroactive enforcement.
For me I said it sometimes at the end of the phone call and I genuinely meant it. my partner would reciprocate. Make it very nonchalant.
There's a passage in this novel where that happens
I think you should hear about because it sounds like you had a good time with him. He might have something personal going on in his life and he's unable to articulate it to you. I really wouldn't invest much in a relationship other than casual but it sounds like you are so to be honest with you I would be hesitant in continuing the relationship. By all means hear him out..
City Of Woke: The Six-Part Anthology https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B0BG9194FP/ref=cm_sw_r_apan_4BX7R9TVKPNGEPK1CAPH
"Dating Essentials for Men" is full of practical advice that can help you improve your confidence and dating skills.
It's takes effort in the long run, but you can start applying the techniques quite quickly, and it's impossible to not see improvements over time.
It's not your job to convince someone why you prefer to use condoms. If they do not want to use condoms, don't have sex.
I had a partner that hated condoms, would use every excuse in the book not to use one and tried to convince me we didn't need it since I had an IUD at the time and he wasn't sleeping with anyone else.
I didn't argue, I told him: I'm not comfortable having sex without a condom, if you don't want to use one, we don't need to have sex. After that, he tried one more time to get out of using a condom, but I did not budge. Once he realized I was holding firm on my boundary, he never questioned it again.
Also recommend buying your own condoms, keep them at your place to use with this partner or a future partner. Condom recommendations:
Imo it's the closest you can get to a no-condom feeling during sex. This has been confirmed by the men I have used them with.
In my experience and what I’ve seen, women tend to evaluate whether they see long term potential with a guy in the early stages and before sleeping with him. Then a deeper attraction to him grows with greater intimacy.
Men tend to have a physical attraction first and then work out later whether they see long term potential, usually after sex and around a couple of months. This is often when men end it and it can appear like they just wanted to get to the sex part but in reality, they didn’t consider whether they were compatible until after sex.
That might be what is happening. I don’t think there’s any avoiding it really. It sucks because it all seems like it’s going well.
I would really recommend the book It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You’re Single
It can help with the mind fuck that goes on in our heads about why we don’t have someone yet.
So many hours I’ve wasted trying to analyse the thoughts/feelings/intentions of someone I’ve dated who has rejected me. Much less time was spent thinking about the people that I ended things with. Why didn’t he think I was good enough? Why couldn’t he just communicate what he needed instead of pulling away? Why? Why? Why?!
I don’t have any secret other than it doesn’t matter because the outcome is still the same, that you shouldn’t and won’t be together. All the information you need about the situation is there in his actions; that you shouldn’t want him because he is flakey and inconsistent.
You may have more of an anxious attachment if someone pulling away or rejecting you makes you think about and want them more.
Someone on this subreddit mentioned this book and it has been really helpful for me: It’s Not You: 27 (Wrong Reasons You’re Single) Can we all improve our people and relationship skills? Of course. But people all over the world have successful relationships without being masters of these skills. At the end of the day, you are you. Someone will want you for you when you meet the right person.
Listen to the mating ground podcast. It's insanely good https://toppodcast.com/podcast_feeds/the-mating-grounds-podcast/.
https://www.amazon.com/Mate-Become-Man-Women-Want/dp/B01LTHXJVE Is incredible.
These things show you how to be the very best man you can be and that attracts women.
Hey man, fellow former-religious-conservative-turned-liberal here. I resonate with a lot of what you're saying in your post and comments. A thing that helped me was identifying some steps I could take to be more physically present/inviting to people and then just...doing those things, even when I felt weird/uncomfortable about it. I had to accept that what I felt about physicality had nothing whatsoever to do with reality, and so I focused on external actions I could force myself to take regardless of how I felt about doing those things. I started incorporating brief touches into my conversations with women I was interested in (e.g. when I met her and her friend at a gathering, reaching out and touching her arm as I greeted them), as well as more open and confident body language (I have no idea how body language works, I just took this book on faith).
It felt very weird and awkward at first. I felt like I was being invasive, inconsiderate, and going out on a very shaky limb. It was not perceived that way. I just had to accept that, thanks to the background I was raised with, my social intuitions were sources of very bad information when it came to physicality.
Also, therapy helps a lot. Your insurance may cover a good part of the expense (look for "outpatient mental health" or similar language).
May I recommend the book How Not to Die Alone.
There's some fundamentals to look for in every person you meet. After that, the one takeaway from the book for me was that you should look less for whether they match your interests and more do they enable you to be the best version of you. These are not necessarily the same thing. In the end, we look for people who share our interests because then they will understand us, but just accepting us and being curious about who we are, and cheering us on in our pursuits may be more than enough to make you fall deeply for them (assuming the core values of kindness, stability, loyalty, etc are met). As long as you're not bored together, that's really enough.
Point being, don't think of it as settling just case they share your interests and don't think of it as hitting the jackpoint just cause they do share some. The latter can lead you astray - speaking from experience here oy.
Bought a new TV stand that looks nicer, and is lower to the ground than my current one. It'll fit my 65'' tv nicely.
I got new comforter, throw blanket, sheets, and pillow cases coming too.
I'm going to hike at some point this week, play video games, watch a movie, see friends, and practice bass. It's going to be fun!
A clean detangling brush.
Your hair always gets messed up and tangled during sex. Trying to detangle it with a guys cheap straight comb is a headache.
Even if the daughter was sleeping in her own room, you spending the night after knowing her (much less her dad) for such a short time would be incredibly unsettling for her.
A lot of expert books on the topic don’t recommend introductions until between 4-6 months and even then it is gradual, ie meeting up outside the home every other week or so. They wouldn’t recommend sleepovers until the 9-12 month mark.
This is a good book to check out and addresses it from both the parent and partner side:
It’s not your fault particularly that you didn’t realise any of this. He as the parent should have been a bit more clued up. But now that you do know, you have a responsibility to slow it down a bit for the sake of his kid. The issue isn’t whether his kid wants to sleep in bed with him (this is incredibly normal in a lot of ages, even older, and non-parents don’t often realise that). The issue is the integration of a new partner into a child’s life.
That sounds like anxiety to me. You need to use realistic self-talk to defuse these spirals of self-defeating doubt. I would suggest cognitive-behavioral therapy if it's accessible to you, and if it's not, the book Feeling Good by Robert Burns was very helpful for me, and a used paperback copy can be had for only a few dollars.
You might have an avoidant attachment style. I strongly suggest reading Attached so you can understand the pattern. It will steal your happiness and his if you don’t deal with it.
These are awesome for getting good self taken pictures. I took one of them with my phone on the tripod using the remote. Threw on a few different outfits and staged a couple scenes. Started getting way more attention after is switched out the photos.
This is the timer I bought and I really love the physical nature of it. I just put the 3 minute side face up and it starts.
Trader Joes olive oil mayonnaise is expensive so so worth it
You might be interested in this book: The Power of the Past: Understanding Cross-Class Marriages
It's pretty academic; it is based on dissertation research interviewing a bunch of couples in cross-class relationships about a lot of different topics. It's pretty interesting.
Oh awesome! I have had my entire world completely flipped by this podcast and a few other similar podcasts and books. I think there's a good chance you can greatly reduce or eradicate your migraines, not just learn to cope. I'm signed up to a few communities organized around these resources and there's many stories like this one of people completely overcoming their chronic pain. Migraines, back pain, IBS, and CFS are some really common ones.
Regardless of your path I wish you the best! No one deserves to suffer like that, especially not so young. If you'd like some more podcasts I started creating a library of recommendations I've collected over the last year that I'll be updating (just started it yesterday).
So I have a date tomorrow at a cocktail bar that looks like it can possibly be romantic, but also fun, never been there before. Anyway, I work from home and have dressed super casual(I mean I wear t-shirts and sweats most of the day lol) for the past few years and haven't been dating, so I'm really not sure wtf I should wear. We're both 34. I have a few nice short sleeve button down shirts, but not really any nice shoes... I could go buy some, but I'm not sure what kind I should get. Would some clean, well fitting jeans, a short sleeve button down, jacket(it'll get a bit chilly later in the night), and some nice running shoes work? These are what I've been wearing... https://www.amazon.com/dp/B083WDGQQB?ref_=cm_sw_r_cp_ud_dp_ZK68RJ2G9NRK7KWPEYM9 I also have some decent Merrel boots I wear sometimes. Willing to do some shopping, but I won't have much time between now and our date to do it.
That's powerful as hell.
Mainly because it's relatable in a way that's actually kind of painful because I'm only now in my mid-thirties reaching that point. For context, my background was hyper-religious and quite emotionally repressive.
I'd never heard the term "reparenting" before either, but it brings to mind concepts from a book I've been reading lately.
(cc: /u/roastpoast, I spot you down there in another reply, check out the book in my link if you're interested. I've been there, friend.)
Men! Listen to this ^^^ guy!
If you don’t have one yet, consider getting small essential oil diffuser. Fill it with water, put a couple drops of scented oil in it, and marvel over how amazing your bedroom smells. I dated a guy who had one, and he bought me one when I was having terrible insomnia. He told me to use peppermint oil and/or eucalyptus oil, and no lie, it was more effective than advil PM
Someone on this subreddit mentioned this book:
It's Not You: 27 (Wrong) Reasons You're Single
It has been so refreshing to read because everything else (especially targeted at women) implies that if only you played harder to get, straightened your hair, were a nice bitch, etc then you would have a man.
I’ve been dating the past couple of years, nothing lasting more than 2-5 months and it wasn’t until recently when I met someone who it just clicked with. Me wanted me as much as I wanted him. There was no text analysing. There were no debriefs with the friend circle to try to figure out what was going on in his head. We both just wanted to be together.
It was entirely luck that we met at a cheese themed trivia/quiz night. We were both taking a break from dating apps.
Now, I’m not saying wait on luck to me. You can still be proactive about being on dating apps, etc but it is kind of luck whether you meet your absolute match or not so don’t get too hard on yourself if it is taking longer.