Your MIL is a bitch, but you know that part.
On to the important part. Buy a new laptop. Then buy this: https://www.amazon.com/AGPtek-Drive-Adapter-Converter-External/dp/B00BIE996S/ref=mp_s_a_1_5?ie=UTF8&qid=1542401955&sr=8-5&pi=AC_SX236_SY340_FMwebp_QL65&keywords=hard+drive+to+usb&dpPl=1&dpID=51ap6s9o3qL&ref=plSrch
These are amazing and super easy. Remove the old hard drive from the broken laptop. Plug it in. Pull all desired files onto new laptop. Lost files recovered. TADA!!!
Honey, this is the fun part of this fight, and also the trickiest. This is the part where you are going to learn who is on your side and who is not. So here is what you need to do:
First of all, it is time for the Stranger Danger talk with DS of you haven't had it already. Even if you have, supplement it with passwords. Tell the school the only people allowed to pick him up are the people who give the right password. Ex IS NOT to be one of these people. You cannot trust him. He has failed you and your son once already, do not put yourself in a position where he can fail you again, because failure in this could result in unspeakable things.
Next, if DS is not carrying a bag to school, it's time he does, because you are going to need something for him to carry one of these on; https://www.amazon.com/Catsonic-Personal-Keychain-Self-Protection-Children/dp/B077DB52FB
I had one of these when I was a baby foxy because we were worried Mocha Mix would try something. They clip onto the child's bag and all the child has to do is grab the pod and pull, and it will scream bloody murder for him so loud, the Lord Himself will smite would-be kidnappers to shut the stupid thing up.
I think big stores will carry them too, like walmart.
And finally, and most importantly, try to remain calm, because some of the worst decisions ever made were made in moments of panic and uncertainty. You are the greatest protector of your child, you have done everything right up to this point. You need to keep a cool head so that you can continue to be that bad ass protector.
We're cheering for you, sweety. We are here for you and if you ever need support, you know how to find us.
By Jewish law, you are the religion of the mother, but if I recall correctly, by Catholicism you are the religion of the father. Maybe that will work?
Less likely to work: Religion is what you believe and are raised as, it isn't passed through blood, no matter what the ultra-Orthodox say.
And even less likely to work: If you look at Judaism as an ethnic/social construct rather than a religious belief system, converting will never erase my years of being raised by Jews. Even if I convert our kids will have all that to deal with.
And finally, the least likely to work: Jewish Mom; Catholic Dad. The guilt will totally screw her/him up by the time s/he's 18 anyway. ;)
(My family is Jewish; DH's is Protestant. We're like "My Big Fat Greek Wedding" without the Windex.)
EDIT: Just because
Hello, u/regretfortwo. I'm deeply sorry that this is what you've found out about your DH, and just before the holidays. It truly sucks.
Per your request we'll keep your post up as long as we may. The reality is that you may find it more suitable to get what you're looking for if you post it over in r/LetterstoJNMIL. I'm a moderator there and if you let me know about posting over there, I'll try to keep an eye on things for you there, specifically.
In the meantime, it's not historical fiction, but have you read Amanda Petrusich's <em>Do Not Sell at Any Price: The Obsessive Hunt for the World's Rarest 78rpm Records</em>? It's a history of so-called race records and how they influenced US music through the Twentieth century, and so much more. It's a very personal book, and no romance. Non-fiction, though. I found it absolutely fascinating when I read it, easy to read and utterly absorbing.
-Rat
Could you ask your neighbors to park in your driveway, give the appearance of more people being there?
Do you have pepper spray or mace? Have it at hand in every room you’d be in. You & DH should think through all possible scenarios, what you would do. Having a plan may make you feel calmer. Imagine you’re on the couch, you hear someone coming in from each point of entry, where do you go, what do you differently for each?
Can you & DH schedule friends to sleep over? Does your security system include panic buttons? If not, there are ones not tied into a system that emit enough noise to scare someone into thinking it’s an alarm. https://www.amazon.com/Personal-Emergency-Self-Defense-Security-Keychain/dp/B076FVX6S1
Can you set up baby monitors or some type of cameras so you can see other rooms from where you’ll be most of the time? Just so every normal noise doesn’t freak you out, you can see that you’re safe.
I’m so sorry you have to go through this. I wish we could help more.
> she insists SO must help pick one out for her because she's not a pervert
Logic, sanity, who needs 'em?
Because your SO is a better person than I am, he's ignoring her. I want to troll her.
https://www.amazon.co.uk/BACtrack-Smartphone-Breathalyser-Compatible-Samsung-white/dp/B00CFN1HNY this one has sharing features. You could make her show you her results before you talk to her.
"Are you sober?"
"......yes"
"Prove it."
Off topic, but your wife might need some help to learn about taking care of black hair. I (very white with straight hair) had to learn how to take care of and braid DD1's hair. I found the book "It's All Good Hair" to be helpful. https://www.amazon.com/Its-All-Good-Hair-Childrens/dp/0060934875/
And leave in conditioner is a wonderful thing. :)
Here are some sayings I like because they are lessons I learned the hard way: "What you allow will continue." "You teach people how to treat you." "If you don't stand up for yourself no one else will either."
My dear you also need to work on your shiny spine. This book about assertiveness training will help immensely with that. :)
Bloody hell this is eerily like what happened to u/theflyingpigsquadron with the crazy escalation. I wonder if Insane Granny has an equally Insane Cousin or something. Seriously now rethinking my choice of supermarket since 24hr ones appear to be far more dangerous than I initially assumed.
Yeah, sadly I don't think Evil Bitch is quite done yet and won't be without further police intervention. Time for home security stuff I think until you move. First I'd get an internal post cage to sit behind the letter box. Cameras as well, you can get software to do this with old smartphones since it would be temporary. Remember UK law is a bit funny with cctv and where it can point to though.
This is awful that it's happened to you, horrible to see a good samaritan targeted. Good luck in bitch dodging though and i hope she gets nabbed in her planning rather than doing phase.
I've got a toddler who just learned how to potty train, and a 19yo that did so about 18 years ago (both my kids decided they didn't like using diapers are one year old, they both trained really early).
NOBODY ON THE PLANET has used fucking latex in at least twenty years.
Do not let them even pretend that it's normal to put fucking LATEX under a child who wets the bed. You put absorbing pads under them -not latex- <em>ever</em>, latex is literally useless for bedwetting, plus many many people are allergic.
Even fucking mattress covers that prevent wetness from reaching the mattress are NOT MADE OF LATEX.. So she's not even saying a valid or believable excuse.
Your ex husband is just surreal for having fallen for this. This is absolutely fucking atrocious, and she is a DISGUSTING excuse for a fucking human.
I'm so glad you're ok. I'm so sorry this happened to you, but I will be the one to point out that you've dodged a huge bullet here. If she had a brain, she could have convinced him to go out to dinner or something with her, "since you're sleeping anyways", and he wouldn't have been able to phone an ambulance to save you. She could have distracted him long enough that you couldn't be revived. Thank $deity you're ok. Seriously, you got the fuck out before you were actually murdered by this Jocasta-esque madwoman. Let them suffer while you succeed in finding someone who actually loves you, well doesn't have a murderous fucking mother trying to kill you.
OMG I'm so glad you're ok. Please please let me know if you need anything, if you need any hotel money or clothes or anything, please just PM me and I'll help any way I can. I'm so sorry, and so thankful you're ok.
Now go kick some fucking ass, without anyone holding you back!
Holy shit. Yeah, male, female, trans, undecided, gay, straight, bi, whatever. That MIL is a fucking whackjob and you belong here. I'm sorry you belong here because no one needs that shit in their lives, but... now you have us.
Cameras. Get cameras, put them up. Get all angles covered.
Document. Times, dates, words. Record shit. Save the hateful notes she leaves on your door. Get a... what are those things, the plastic documentation boxes? This thing is a great example : https://www.amazon.com/STERILITE-ST1871-9004-Portable-File-Box/dp/B002PDIA6G/ref=sr_1_9?s=office-products&ie=UTF8&qid=1517149401&sr=1-9&keywords=file+box They are like $10 at Walmart.
Start laying the foundation for a R.O. What she is doing is a hate crime, and she's only going to escalate. You should unfortunately be prepared to lawyer up.
You have a dog. Don't let him outside unsupervised. We've seen way too many cases where a batshit MIL will poison / kill / take / whatever the pets of their victims.
Be safe.
Please, buy one of these:
https://www.amazon.com/Detector-Wireless-Signal-Listening-Scanner/dp/B07B93347H
And use it to sweep your whole house for bugs.
I wouldnt be surprised if the reason she is parking near the front of your house is so that she can be within wireless range of the bugs to watch/listen to what you are saying inside.
I know that feeling.
She’s one of those passive-aggressive “death by a thousand cuts” MILs. Men don’t usually pick up on this kind of catty behavior. But it hurts his wife and wears her down, and then if wife complains to husband, husband confronts MIL, she lies and/or blows a gasket. Then wife gets pressured to make amends and keep the peace because faaaamily and “that’s just how MIL is.”
Take a look at Dr Susan Forward’s book Toxic In-laws, Loving strategies for protecting your marriage. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B003WJRE4Q
I have a tactic for family like this. I get them a copy of Dave Ramsay's "Total Money Makeover". Then when they ask me for money, I ask to see their budget and what progress they are making on their baby steps. They either get their shit together, or they stop asking me.
Please, do not let your spider-mother eat your future. Fucking Linda would happily drain me dry financially.
My dad and brother hunt in remote areas a lot and they both swear by this - Garmin inReach Mini, Lightweight Compact Handheld Satellite Communicator, Orange https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07CR7PL54/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_tai_oS52BbNZ32RYC
Gives mom some peace of mind because she can check in and gives them peace of mind they can signal an emergency if needed. Good for your kid because they can’t call china!
Just so you know, Bi-polar disorder isn't a personality disorder, it's a mood disorder. There are a lot of fundamental differences. Here are some articles describing the differences, one main one being that mood disorders are often caused internally (brain chemistry) and personality disorders are mostly caused externally (trauma or negative experiences). https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/borderline-personality-disorder-bipolar-disorder
Just thought I'd let you know; there's a lot of misinformation out there about mental illness, and a lot of people make wrong assumptions because of that. I believe the best way to treat and help people suffering from mental illnesses is spreading knowledge, and as someone who suffers from Bipolar 1, I like to try to correct misconceptions when I come across them. Love this sub and you all do a great job moding it!
Edit: grammar
> MIL and FIL share an email address, a cell phone, and even go to the bathroom together.
HURK. That ~~sorta~~ defines enmeshment.
DH needs to read and re-read When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
You and LO are more important than DH's mother. Sadly, he doesn't behave like it, even if he pays lip service.
His mother has done a number on him with Fear, Obligation and Guilt. She is a master gaslighter / manipulator. I'll guess that she's been doing it her entire adult life (and likely back into childhood); she's extremely competent - and that's sad.
Will it's not DH's fault, it's his adult responsibility - to himself, you and LO - to overcome the programming she's instilled in him. Reading, pondering and re-reading these two books, doing the exercises they contain and letting them illuminate his circumstances could be helpful.
You'll definitely have to teach her about Cthulhu. How about this, with maybe a plush to cuddle?
JustNos can't compute or accept rejection. It means the person rejecting them is under the influence and control of someone else. Because everything is power and control.
She is saying he is under your power and control, since he's clearly not under hers. And that the target of your power and control tactics is... HERSELF.
Your goal is to cause HER difficulties, frustration, or pain.
> I want you to know that when someone gets mad at you, it is their way of trying to be in control of you.
Oh rly? How does that saying go? "When someone tells you who they are, believe them." She is telling you who SHE is here.
That is the nature of projection. When someone assumes other key players have the same motives, biases, tendencies, tactics, and beliefs as themselves, and assign those motives to the other players, what they are actually doing is revealing who THEY are.
See how this all comes back to her?
This letter is all "Me, me, me, me, meeeee."
Me me me, because I cared for my dying mother.
Me me me because I defended my child.
Me me me because that child wrote ME a poem for it!
(Notice she did not write HIM a comforting poem in this fantasy, HE wrote HER one, he comforted HER!)
Me me me because you couldn't possibly have your own authentic reasons for distancing yourself from meeeeee. It's because of that other woman and HER power and control that she is trying to direct AT ME.
Ugh. I could keep going but honestly it's making me feel a little sick and disoriented.
The word for this is Solipsism. It's when someone is so far gone beyond pride, or ego, or self centeredness that it's almost incomprehensible and maddening in it's eternally circular, infallibly self serving reasoning. Even when a Solipsistic person TRIES to make it about and FOR the other person, they can't. They are categorically unable to.
There are door wedge alarms, too - best of both worlds. $10 cheap!
u/thronebackthrone, ditto. My friend bought a gorgeous wedding dress at a flea market before she met her DH, when they got married she was pregnant with their first, she had a seamstress put ribbon lacing and a panel in the back. There are even do it yourself ones!
piggyback, Check State Laws before recording phone calls to see if you are in a one or two party state but OP if you are on Android I recommend ACR. It has worked great for me.
I just saw where you said she works with prisoners as a psychologist. That is frankly terrifying. Contact her superiors and possibly an attorney to see what legal recourse you have to protect yourself from her.
Edited to add: Please consider reading Gavin de Becker's <em>The Gift of Fear</em>. Do not ignore your inner worries when they start dinging this loudly.
I bought lab goggles for a chemistry class a few years ago, and I kept them for use in the kitchen.
You'll have marks around your eyes for a bit after cooking, but it's well worth it! Here's a link to some. https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000XYWZYW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_IYa4DbKXFEJB9
If you don't already have it, high-quality pepper spray provides a non-lethal alternative.
It won't kill her but she'll think she's on fire if you have to use it.
Ohh, this reminds me of a book I read when I was a kid and haven't thought about in YEARS...only the book grandmother eventually reformed and helped her grandson lose weight. I can't believe she would rather disinherit her daughter than make sure her grandson had a healthy life! I was a big kid, and I'm still a big adult, and I wish I had learned healthier eating habits when I was young. She was really setting him up for a lifetime of struggle. :(
About the book, which I hated and loved at the same time because it was very difficult to read about a kid struggling with weight while I was a kid struggling with weight, but it also had amazing descriptions of food. It's probably a very problematic book, to be honest. I found it at a book fair. It is called "Jelly Belly." I will probably read it again now to see how I feel about it as an adult, but I think it made me mad as a kid.
He has been trained and manipulated since childhood to always give in to her, that her wants and feelings are more important than anyone else's including his own. That she is always right.
That he was willing to move away is a hopeful sign, and that he ignores half of what she says. But he is still in the FOG and his normal meter is off.
If you have not checked out the book list, it has many resources that could help. You may want to read 'Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You '
You could totally sue her in small claims court for ruining your wedding cake. A police report would really help with that and the RO (as evidence).
As others are saying you should be on high alert now. You are in for quite the extinction burst. There are plenty of MILs on here that are now in jail for attempting things like murder and arson as part of their extinction bursts. As the age old saying goes, "better safe than sorry".
As for DH, it sounds like he may need some therapy to come to terms with the fact that he has a just no for a mother. This list of books will help with that. This book in particular will help him build his shiny spine.
Take all the precautions and stay safe. Congratulations on your newlywed bliss!
If you are in the US, watermelon is NOT in season, only from the end of April to mid October is watermelon grown in the US. This �� would have to be an imported melon. Which means she very well must have had to search it out as not your run of the mill grocery store is going to carry it the end of December. She also would have paid a very large sum of money for it so it’s not like she didn’t think this thru. I just searched the Seattle metro area and the only place even selling watermelon is Amazon.
For $65. Yeah... WHOLE WATERMELON FRESH FRUIT PRODUCE VEGETABLES FLORIDA GROWN https://www.amazon.com/dp/B007V1QDIO/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_pJWiCb18ACSN2
Take your time and read this sub and some stories. I think you definitely belong here with us.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B077PYRR5T/ref=sspa_mw_detail_4?psc=1
I had one of these after the first court ruling where Mocha Mix lost custody of me. Dad and JYM told me that if anyone ever came up to me and tried to take me away, just pull the body off the chain and it will make a piercing shriek so loud and obnoxious, the Good Lord himself will smite the would-be kidnappers just to shut the damn thing up.
And it will not stop until the pin is back in. Basically all your daughter has to do is keep Grandma and Grandpa from getting the pin/putting the body back on and it will scream bloody murder until help arrives.
Adding to this, there's lock boxes for snacks and stuff, that won't open until a certain time or other criteria is met (and ones with better prices/reviews). Lol I can just imagine OP explaining that to MIL, "act like a child with no self control and get treated like one", alternatively she could say that "DD has been getting into the cheese", and that "oh, I'm doing a caffeine cleanse" after hiding all the coffee in the house.
1 gallon of water
10 ish oz of coffee (I usually use Community)
1 tbsp vanilla
1-1.5 cups of artificial sweetener (stevia in our case) If you use regular sugar, you have to heat it, and it doesn't taste as good to me.
1 tsp of cinnamon
Throw it all together in a gallon pitcher, fill it with water and put it in the fridge for a day or so. I run it through a strainer and then run it through an ultra fine strainer and voila!
>I hurts tremendously, as it was designed to do...
Projection, she can't imagine herself doing what you did with good intent - so you must be doing it to hurt her, just like she would to you.
>I will no longer let you both hurt me
DARVO - reflecting it back onto you to try make you doubt yourself. How can she be hurting you if its you hurting her? Add in a bit of 'im such a good person' (i will always love you blah blah blah) to throw you off base.
>MIL to Both Wife and I: Void ...revoked....NULLIFIED! Wow ...WOW....annulled....overturned...Revoked...invalidated....do not breathe....
Holy shit this women is insane. this is a view into her erratic mind. She can't comprehend what you have done, loss of power+control results in psychotic breakdown.
I think you might be in line for what we call around here an 'extinction burst'..
I suggest you buy some of these smart internet cameras and install them around your house.
They are $30 and its internet connected you can get notifications on your phone when theres movement and they are all uploaded to the cloud.
Better safe then sorry.
Product information: https://www.yitechnology.com/yi-1080p-home-camera
I read this book a couple of years ago and thought it was really good. Given your experience, you may find it too enraging, but I wanted to put it out here in case you're interested. :)
In the Name of God: The True Story of the Fight to Save Children from Faith-Healing Homicide
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00CQY9EUK/ref=dp-kindle-redirect?_encoding=UTF8&btkr=1
>How can I start nipping that behavior in the bud with her? Any advice is welcome.
You can't change her. Thankfully, you can change you(ie your response).
To poorly quote another redditer,"Boundaries are something you do FOR yourself, not TO someone else. ". It sounds like you are primed to set some boundaries. I would highly recommend reading the book, but here is some advice based on my experience.
It is good that you are done. That is a great starting point! Sit down and make a list of what you don't like about interactions with your Mom (this can also help later if the fog decends). Then make a list of what you are willing to give her (time, money, energy, social engagement, etc), and what is too much. Decide on these boundaries when you are in a calm and clear headspace.
Next, comes the hard part, enforcing those boundaries. Don't let your self give in, especially when the heat is on. You have set rules for your self and will follow them. Support your own good in following these healthy boundaries that you set. Have compassion for yourself as you struggle with this. Remember that humans can change, but it takes time. You can do this.
Never underestimate an opponent. Desperation is a hell of a motivator to learn.
Then again, I operate under the principle of 'perfect paranoia is perfect awareness.'
This sub has a big thing for 'The Gift of Fear,' which I surely get, but I think right next to it on the bookshelf should be 'The Art of War.' Many of Sun Tzu's teachings apply just as well to interpersonal relationships as they do in large scale army planning.
>Then Hellsbelle goes: "[SO], I'm surprised Newtoaster is there. You told me that your little barn kitten had her own home to go to."
I get that you were caught flat footed. As RandomPants points out, you've been warned that HellesBelle is an evil cunt, so do your best to be armored up & ready for war anytime she's present - telephonically or in the macabre flesh.
She stirs shit. If none is present, she shits in the punch bowl THEN stirs it. So, speaking up, "Hellesbelle, you're wrong. SO is my pet. No barn kittens 'round here."
My take is that this woman, nasty as she is, has everyone around her cowed. She isn't supernatural; she can be defeated. I'm not making light of her. Her tongue is like a rapier. So bring a sword, a longbow and a gun to every encounter. Be prepared to cut her to ribbons, to put an arrow through her armor or to shoot her in the ~~face~~ heart, from the git-go, every time.
Keep your guard up, don't strike first (don't commit), but when you do, devastate her. One hammer blow after another.
This takes mindset, not just techniques. The Art of War is good reading.
Who you telling? When I tell people to document everything.....I meant EVERYTHING! No matter how big, or small. You never know when it'll come in handy.
I didnt come into this shitstorm of a family with this knowledge, but when I started seeing the crazy and everything started going left, I didn't wait till TODAY! I started gathering 'stuff' for what I anticipated was coming.
PLUS: I took the pyschologist advice when he subtly suggested, that I read the book: The Art of War. Highly recommended btw.
She may be stingy and 8 hours away but never underestimate crazy people and extinction bursts. Besides, that doesn't mean she doesn't have a flying monkey nearer to you who might go there. So do you have cameras up yet? Get one for your backyard, too. Here is a great checklist!
So proud of you. You’ve got this. Stay diligent. Know this: It’s going to get worse. Make sure your daughter’s doctors and childcare know about your mom. Password protect discussing your daughter. Put it in writing, have them sign it. Research grandparents rights in your state. You are clearly resourceful, but I am assuming you do not have the resources she has.
I will get this ball rolling. Your mom was and is abusive. She is likely a narcissist. I highly recommend r/raisedbynarcissists and r/CPTSD. Your mom is relentless. Your mom follows the prototypical pattern of an emotionally and psychologically abusive narcissistic parent.
2 books I highly recommend:
https://www.amazon.com/Complex-PTSD-Surviving-RECOVERING-CHILDHOOD/dp/1492871842
https://www.amazon.com/Will-Ever-Good-Enough-Narcissistic/dp/1439129436
Those books are printed validation. It is so easy to accept that you were abused if you were physically beaten. If can be so much harder to accept you were abused if you weren’t. It doesn’t matter that she didn’t hit you. I grew up with Parents who fed, clothed, and educated me. They never hit me (from what I can remember). But without a doubt they were psychologically and emotionally abusive, and I didn’t figure that out until I was 38, partly because of the conditioning of the abuse.
These reddit communities are strong, experienced, empathetic, brilliant, and present. They will help you see the patterns and develop tools. They will help you set and enforce boundaries. They will listen and give you incredible advice and support, even though they don’t know you, because, in reality, they do know you. And your mom. And your situation. And the patterns. And the way out.
You’ve done so much. You will have to do more. You are not alone.
I've seen this warning printed directly on honey labels. You could show her the written warning if you haven't already. She cant deny it in print.
I mean, well... she can, but it'll maybe help a little
**also here is a short link about it from the Mayo Clinic. The Mayo Clinic is a legit source of information, not a dodgy blog or something
She's just a ball of positive sunshine, isn't she?
This is serious. I'm so glad you're moving, you sure do have a stalker. Call the police every time you hear a creak. I would suggest having someone stay with you when DH is out, and talk to all your neighbors and tell them you have a stalker and to call the police anytime they see anyone outside your home.
Do not tell Vacuunt anything else. I can't believe she's brushing this off. Please go buy a personal alarm, you can wear it on your belt or even your bra strap and it emits an ear piercing alarm when activated. https://www.amazon.com/Personal-HUMUTU-Safesound-Security-Batteries/dp/B07GWF36GZ/ref=asc_df_B07GWF36GZ/?tag=hyprod-20&linkCode=df0&hvadid=241967399507&hvpos=1o1&hvnetw=g&hvrand=14481923806982126972&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9028050&hvtargid=pla-558826845042&psc=1
You can use UV Ink that doesn't wash off easily but shows up under a UV light. The problem is in keeping that (or any) ink wet. However, powder is fantastic. She wouldn't even know she had it on her hands. I would film setting things up, how the stuff works, then filming her response when caught if you can't just casually leave your phone on to film.
https://www.amazon.com/Ultraviolet-Theft-Detection-Powder-Flashlight/dp/B0038AM1QU
Something like this. This is the US, but your amazon would probably have something similar. Also, look for something like "spy camera wireless hidden" they make very small cameras. Like the size of a die or a US nickel. Some are even magnetic, very easy to hide.
It's time to double check your screws in your doors and make sure your bolts are sturdy. Create a safe room where you can go to, preferably with no windows, a heavy lock, sturdy hinges, and an door jammer. Make sure that this door swings into the room, not outward.
Stay safe.
You could make photocopies of some of the creepiest journal entries and have a friend mail them to her anonymously from a different state/province/country. Let the old hag wonder who stole her precious journal and what evil blackmailing plan they have in store for her.
Or have a series of nice artsy posters made of some of the choice phrases from her final diatribe (like this or this ) and have them anonymously shipped to her one at a time over a series of months.
Forcing a child who's not a strong swimmer to swim in water with a strong current and dunking their head underwater repeatedly while they're panicking and crying is a good way to cause your child to inhale water.
Dry/secondary drowning is a risk for young kids, especially ones who aren't strong swimmers. It's not a huge risk, but it's just one more way mommy dearest could've ended up killing her kid.
Fun fact, the US is the only country that hasn't ratified the UN's Convention on the Rights of the Child. Part of the reason for this is that the religious right lobbies against it and basically anything that gives children any rights. They literally write dystopian stories about how awful it would be if the US signed it.
OP, this. A peephole camera might be really helpful for you right now. Something like this, although there are probably better models out there?
https://www.amazon.com/Brinno-Front-Peephole-Camera-SHC1000W/dp/B07K234QFL
It looks like that one emails you the clips, but I’m not sure if they’re in real time.
This one here looks like it definitely does send real-time alerts and shows you clips, although it’s visible from the outside, so at that point it’s like a ring:
https://www.amazon.com/LaView-Wireless-Doorbell-Wire-Free-Rechargeable/dp/B07J6NXC94
Could be all kinds of shenanigans. Here's an article about a recent arrest of a lab owner faking results: https://kinja.com/api/profile/getsession?redirect=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.theroot.com%2Fsetsession%3Fr%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.theroot.com%252Flab-owner-arrested-for-falsifying-results-of-drug-tests-1834753568
​
And that's not an isolated incident, these sorts of things do pop up in the news on a semi-regular basis. There are other scenarios: CPS worker lied, false positive, etc.
You can get a really awesome security cam on amazon for $50 and it's motion activated and will call your phone if tripped. I use it as a baby monitor. Sorry for the ugly link:
BAVISION Wifi IP Camera Wireless Home Security Trailer Cameras Dog/ Baby Monitor Video Nanny Cam Night Vision plug/play Pan/Tilt with Two-Way Audio https://www.amazon.com/dp/B014B2WLIG/ref=cm_sw_r_other_apa_qQLhybG6GFS10
This one apparently does, but it's not cheap, cheap. You know what you could do when you and DH are home by yourselves is turn off the wireless router. All of the stuff that you suspect might be spying on you depends on the internet in some fashion. Disable that and you disable the feeds to everything. If you do that and MIL and FIL start asking about connectivity problems, then you know you're on the right track.
It's available for free as a pdf here
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B01BGY6GPG
This is on sale right now for 67 bucks.
This one may be too small https://www.amazon.com/dp/B078WPCQWK
I think that having one that looks like this could be a deterrent to your MIL because it looks like business and she's not likely to be able to get into it if she tries. You won't have to worry about a key. I would just keep it out and if she asks about it, you can either say "It's to keep private things safe" or just come right out and say "It's to keep my medication safe." If she's dumb enough to ask why you need to lock up the meds, then I would definitely sit down and talk about how she has an issue, and that she's drug seeking. Tell her that you know there are better medications to try first for occasional migraines than narcotics, that actually stop the migraine vs just treating the pain. Then tell her that there are a lot of treatments for arthritis that are available to her before narcotics and she needs to see an arthritis specialist if her arthritis is so bad that she is drug seeking. I'd talk about this in front of FIL and with your husband so she is having a little intervention going on, of sorts.
I also have chronic pain and on top of that I am lucky enough to have developed severe osteoarthritis very young and I've gone through all the treatments available. We're now looking at stuff like spinal fusion so I can stop moving those bones. Her bitching about her arthritis one night is not the type of arthritis pain that needs.
Did she show signs of drug use before you moved in? Because most people don't just start raiding for pills on a whim, and especially at her age. Also, FIL seemed way too comfortable raiding your drugs for her.
>Keep screenshots of anything sent to you via text about her threatening to take your baby away. Record the events as they happen.
If you have Android, I suggest this app.
https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.zegoggles.smssync&hl=en
You can set it up to do a backup of your texts to an email every hour if you want
Good riddance to bad cess.
Her comment was a low blow, but verbal attacks like that don't hurt so much when you realize that the whole construction of her attack is If you loved [me/other person/pet/whatever], you'd [do the thing I want.] It's designed to make you frothing mad at the accusation of not loving or caring, and, from the manipulator's point of view, they don't usually think their victim is unloving, they want what they want and will use any means, fair or foul, to get it, or they define love as give me what I want, always.
Of course, all this did was make you frothing mad, because you aren't suddenly going to become religious and antivaxx to prove your love for your child.
When you know the construction of the verbal attack, it's a lot easier to defend against without coming unglued. Your library might have a copy of The Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense.. Personally, I've abandoned the gentle responses to this kind of attack and gone with "A has nothing to do with B. It still ain't gonna happen. Though your manipulative tactics have made me think less of you." This is adversary-dependent, but calling BS can be lovely.
Does 9 year old have any good friends whose parents would be agreeable to an extended sleepover?
If you haven’t tried this, I second it. We use a white noise machine. I do worry it’ll make it harder for him to sleep without it when he’s older... but I sleep with white noise and it’s not actually uncommon. He used to prefer ocean noises, now he wants the rain. This is the one I use, it will switch to battery if power goes out (which happens all the time in our house when it rains).
White Noise Sound Machine | Portable Sleep Therapy for Home, Office, Baby & Travel | 6 Relaxing & Soothing Nature Sounds, Battery or Adapter Charging Options, Auto-Off Timer | HoMedics Sound Spa https://www.amazon.com/dp/B00A2JBMRE/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_80bdCbXG93YKG
Please don't let anyone tell you how to feel or what to feel. Feeling are information about what you are experiencing, what your internal state is. Listen to that voice.
We might be able to advise on how to react to emotions, but in and of them selves, emotions are info/data.
It sounds like your MIL is setting up a pattern of emotional manipulation and dishonesty. These make her an unsafe person. It is a good idea to keep a distance from things/people that are unsafe.
There are boundaries between all people. They are part of the natural social contract that exist between people. They tell us "I end here" and " you start there". Your MIL stomped on those boundaries. It may be time to make them more explicit and more firm.
If you haven't already, I would recommend reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud. It helped me a lot. It has some good stuff to say about boundary stomping mamas.
https://www.amazon.com/dp/0310247454/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_W9clBbYVG9R3W
Best of luck!
I’m a step mom (I cannot have kids) but I’m a huge Potterhead.
Wanted to share my water bottle with you since you would appreciate it.
https://i.imgur.com/9rVfNRx.jpg
Link for the curious: https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07T5KYD9K?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share
>Buying a gun is not a spur of the moment decision, not everyone is cut out to be a gun owner.
Thank you! This cannot be understated! You are more likley to be harmed or killed with your own gun. Every time the gun is loaded and drawn it must be understood that there is a potential for you, the person wielding the weapon, to shoot. If you shoot in self defense you must shoot to kill.
It's not a wishy washy subject, it's a go big or go home you need to be 100% in and make a careful decision and commit to the training, and do it well.
It's easy to forget those details and just make an off the cuff remark when it's something you grew up around and just 'knew'. So thanks again, Notmykl for the reminder.
OP would likley be in close quarters and need to carefully determine caliber, etc to ensure no walls are pierced, innocent bystanders struck. Tons of varyables to consider. Doubly so with a pending adoption.
You bring a good point especially considering that OP is from the UK and most likley didn't grow up around firearms as many of us in the USA and other countries did.
In that case Tactical Pepper Spray Gel is a better option. Gel is much safer than spray. I've had several police officers suggest this as an alternative to a firearm.
Change the locks! Have a heart to heart with SO about how awful you felt at that moment and how you never want to feel like that again. Ask for his help in strengthening up the house security. Follow whatever rules are there on your lease, but definitely do what you can to protect yourself. Amazon has alarm door wedges (or just search "alarm door wedge. I haven't actually owned this product. It was just the top of the search) that you can stick under any door and it will have a shrill sound when opened. Might be a decent temporary measure.
You can get a motion activated sprinkler that shoots a very intense stream of water; they are used to scare away deer, but it might be a good lawn tantrum deterrent.
I'm not going to get into your DH's issues - that's for the JustNoSO board.
He needs to see this as not just an issue affecting HIM - that it affects YOU, and the two of you as a couple. So the two of you, as a couple, need to agree on a strategy to deal with this, and issues going forward. (Marital counseling might help to get you both on the same page regarding his mother.) This was a pointed jab clearly aimed at you, and your marriage. She could have "gifted" the Match.com membership to her darling boy, but no, she chose your birthday to shoot this barb at YOU.
And DO NOT, for one minute, let her try to laugh this off as a "prank" or "joke."
"If it were a joke, we'd all be laughing."
This was just a warning shot, to see what she can get away with. Shut it down now, and hard. If you can't get DH on the same page, deal with it yourself, and haul him into therapy so the two of you can present a united front in the future.
So first she guilts you for your DH not paying for her birthday dinner and then tries to guilt your DH into buying her an overpriced mirror? Yikes.
You said she makes six figures but squanders it? Buy her a budgeting book for Christmas! I’ve heard Dave Ramsey is good! Lmao
The Total Money Makeover: Classic Edition: A Proven Plan for Financial Fitness https://www.amazon.com/dp/1595555277/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_Y2tfCb3313DFT
Tell her all about how you love his budgeting system and you incorporate it into your lives completely! You thinks it’s so great you just have to share. But then again I like being helpfully passive aggressive lmao
"she's not going to change," always my favorite JustNo excuse. Must be nice to control the world and everyone in it so we all have to work around the MILs personality. ��
As a practical matter if she's not boundary stomping you to death, I'd keep trying to coexist. Though you might want to remind your DH that he married you when you have the quiet, reserved personality you have now - it's not like you sprung it on him after the fact. Did his attraction to you include the fact that you have a more restful personality than his family? And if so, why would he want you to change it?
ETA: Also, this book is excellent and very informative about introverts, I highly recommend it!
Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking https://www.amazon.com/dp/B004J4WNL2/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_i_9LI2CbQ1WKHWF
Yay! I'm so glad you found a therapist that is a better fit for you. Good therapists are worth their weight in gold.
As for the stuff with your SIL, I feel like reading "When I Say No I Feel Guilty" will be helpful for you. It is about assertiveness training and will have you growing your shiny spine in no time (I find that those of us with childhood trauma need help with this). Other resources you may enjoy are www.outofthefog.website and the book list on the sidebar (under helpful links).
Best of luck! *hugs* :)
it's possible she's found a way to access your browsing history. here's a simple list of ways to hopefully fix that:
- change your email passwords. if you are using chrome, for example, your history is associated with your account.
- check your recovery email/phone numbers.
- change your security questions to random things. for example, if it says favorite color, put a movie or song or a word that does not make sense. she would probably be able to guess security question answers just from knowing you.
- if you still feel unsure, go through security settings and look at all the places you are logged in on your email. force log-outs if necessary. do this after changing all the other stuff to prevent reaccess.
- you could also check a site like https://haveibeenpwned.com/ which lets you see if your information has been spread in big data dumps.
Got it. Yeah - that just sucks from every single angle. Is there anyway you could get a smaller fridge for your vegan stuff and attach a lock to it? My husband lived in a boarding house for a short while and one of the guys had something like this. The owner flat out had a lock on a cabinet to keep his dry food safe.
That sounds extreme, but your food isn’t cheap, and it’s not like you can just grab any crap laying around.
Anyway, good luck hopefully finding a solution. Bugs in Florida heat are about the worst thing in the world!
My family has these! It’s short and cute and you put in photos of your family and friends and you can label them! Like this:
Baby's My First Photo Album of Family & Friends https://www.amazon.com/dp/B000Q7G3VM/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_uQS-BbYT5A3XJ
That is infuriating. She needs to read this book about assertiveness training so she can grow a shiny spine. :)
u/anxiousladynerd had a great suggestion with the Mac and cheese, but for a few extra bucks you can feed her a bowl of dicks.
Your so should make the effort to buy his mom food for next time, but if he doesn't, there'll be a backup waiting in the cupboard.
Yeah, crating chickens who have inconveniently gone broody is a thing...but holding an ice pack on it or spraying it with a hose just seems mean.
And also her story makes NO sense!
...you should send her back that donkey book (anonymously, of course) and see what she reads into it!
I know I've suggeted this app a couple times here, and I don't mind doing it again. Get this thing
You can set it to backup your texts on a schedule or shortly after you receive them. Send them to Email.
Look up wedge door alarms. They scream/beep when activated, and they don't require any installation. One for your front door, one for your bedroom.
Play shitty games and win shitty prizes. You should get some of these for PiP and scribble on one every time you see her. For everything she does.
Dear PiP, Thank you very much for the hello when we came in the door. I think it's nice. From, 4n8
Dear PiP, Thank you very much for the cup of water. I think it's wet. From, 4n8
Dear PiP, Thank you very much for the napkin. I think it's useful. From, 4n8
Edit:
Wait, this is even better!
I'm sorry to hear that her therapy caused her flashbacks that were so bad that she had to quit. I don't know how long ago that was, but could she be convinced to try again? There are a lot of therapists now who specialize in trauma, and they have a lot of good evidence that somatic treatments like EMDR are extremely effective for PTSD and Complex PTSD.
It's only very recently that anyone has had any idea how to treat PTSD, and treatment is improving all the time. Check out The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk, it's an excellent overview of how PTSD and trauma affect the body, and the various treatment options.
She definitely needs a trauma therapist, though, especially since she's already had flashbacks. They will start the treatment with helping her grow her emotional resources so that the flashbacks won't overwhelm her. The whole idea is to take it at a manageable pace so it's not terrifying. As someone dealing with Complex PTSD, I can say that trauma therapy has been the hardest thing I've ever done, and also that it's only thing that could possibly help me live my life fully.
I'm sorry to hear that her health is failing. Her life is NOT over in her 60s, she still potentially has many years left, and it must be so hard to see her in despair like this. Hugs for you if you want them. <3
Please take a look at this if you are any kind of Christian or have to deal with abusive people who purport to be. This book changed so much for me,
https://www.amazon.com/Making-Sense-Your-Confusing-Marriage/dp/B07V8427GK/ref=nodl_
So I had a funny thought. I want to qualify it by saying up front that I don't think that you should waiver on your boundary. BUT, in the future, if you do agree to a sit down with MIL, or if you are at her house, and there's even the slightest chance that NSIL might be there, you should get some pill capsules and fill them with corn starch maybe with a little bit of bitrex, and put them in a prescription bottle from previous pain pills or something, and leave it in your purse.
And if it turns up missing, stage a freak-out because those weren't the right pills in the bottle and OMG, what if NSIL ODs?!?! You have to get her to the ER RIGHT NOW!
And let them eat some well deserved karma for stealing, doing drugs, and enabling.
> Part of me thinks that because they had decided not to continue with treatments and to stop the adoption process that they were actually happy without kids.
Yep. This changes the whole tenor of them saying, "You not being able to sleep is payback for all the years you kept us up." People often have kids because it is expected. By the time they had your husband, they'd spent two decades doing their own thing so it stands to reason that they probably resented the change in their lives no matter how much they said they wanted a kid.
In the amazing book, I'm Okay, You're a Brat: Setting the Priorities Straight and Freeing You From the Guilt and Mad Myths of Parenthood she addresses people who say that kids acting up or making you lose sleep is payback. The author talks about how her friends all told her how wonderful it was being a parent so she and her husband finally decided to take the plunge. A while after her kid was born she asked those same friends why they didn't talk about how awful parts of parenting are and her friends laughed and actually told her they wanted her to be as miserable as they are. This is only tangentially related but I think a lot of JustNOMILs feel this way. How fucked up is it that they think their grandkids are payback for their own decision to have kids?! It's so bizarre.
"she said girls of their cultural would respect her..." I'm DYING with laughter because my auntie is Chamorro (Guam), and we have a lot of Polynesian people at church. I've never met any islander women who would put up with this shit. Glad your BF is finally seeing the light.
Edit: If he's trying to learn how to budget, try this. Works great. https://www.youneedabudget.com/
I bought my girls theirs off of Amazon, there are tons of different styles and products. This is the one I bought based on reviews and after talking to a local law enforcement officer in my district. Here is their main website that covers all sorts of safety stuff for law enforcement and private individuals.
They come with an expiration date as well, keep in mind. 3-4 years I believe.
I'd troll her, hard.
>"How does it feel being part of the Russian conspiracy to manipulate our democratic elections?"
ESPECIALLY if they're of the age to remember the Cold War, "Duck and Cover", the McCarthy hearings.
I'd start calling Trump "Putin's Bitch" and referring to "Moscow Mitch" every chance you get.
Also, Amazon Prime Video has a great documentary on how the modern "conservative" movement was formed to promote the concerns of international corporations, and how they used the media to sway American voters.
Doubt they want to see the historical roots of FOX News (scum from the Nixon administration), and their part in "the vast right-wing conspiracy" (really just international corporations like Koch Bros, etc. fighting taxation), but it could be eye-opening to you and DH.
This doesn't fix the MIL and SO problem, but could you install a door chain or a deadbolt that is only accessible from the inside? (Make sure to use the longest screws you can find in case she loses her mind further and decides to body slam the door.)
There's also these door blocks that scream when activated.
At least then you could have privacy in the bedroom
If you can get a nice clear image of the woman's face, you could try one of the facial recognition search engines in this article and see if you get anything back. Although now that I'm reading it, the Google images search is the only one of the 3 likely to work. I think you can also try a few different apps to search on facebook, or try to upload a picture and see if it 'tags' someone in. If this is an older woman, she may not think about or be tech-savvy enough to lock down her account so you might get a hit. . .
One thought that I haven't seen addressed:
" She shoves me out of the doorway and makes her way past my living room and into my nursery!!"
Simple solution - get a door chain and get in the habit of always using it. If you rent, check with your landlord before you install it. I know when I was a property manager I would never stop someone from securing their home (and the property I was responsible for), but I'm not your landlord. :)
Always open the door with it still engaged. It'll keep her from bulldogging past you if she ever turns up again.
Leave with your stuff but set up these cheap alarms in every closet, drawer and cabinet you've got. Bathroom, bedroom, kitchen. Let her explain to her husband and son why she's snooping. Expose her for the nosy bitch she is.
I had fraternal boy/girl twins, they’re 3 now it’s been quite an adventure! I always told people the best thing about having twins was not having to argue with your husband about who’s turn it was to hold the baby because there’s one for each of you, you just periodically switch babies.
My OB had me buy this book, and I found it very informative and helpful.
My sister has one of these fancy masks with filters on it. They were originally made for allergy sufferers (they filter out the pollen). She uses hers in public because strong smells trigger her migraines, and these masks work well enough that she can’t smell anything when she’s wearing one.
The last one I bought was at least a decade ago. But the super cheap ones can run $10-15 or less at a place like Walmart. Even amazon has one in that range. Sunbeam Hot-2-Trot 800 Watt Compact Non-Stick Soleplate Travel Iron, GCSBTR-100-000 https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0057UMYAW/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_fuBfCb5TRCNVT
Pro tip: reusable k cups are awesome. Saved me sooo much money. here’s a link to the ones I have
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07K33Y98P/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_api_i_QHxiCbQXKS4FM
I also use them to make loose tea as well although I bought purple ones specifically for tea
>... she seems to view DH as a replacement husband she can rely on emotionally and financially, as opposed to her being a mother DH can rely on...
It's not 'seems to.' She does.
He IS NOT HER HUSBAND. He IS yours, and the father of y'all's children.
But he's bought into the lie. Unknowingly. Therapy / counseling is strongly recommended. For him, not you. Joint therapy may be beneficial, but he's the one with the busted normal meter. Sounds like yours has passed an extended stress test with flying colors.
MIL is a somewhat textbook example of dysfunctionality rather than a unicorn. IOW, she's pretty typical of a boundary-stomping Jocasta who has treated her offspring as her spouse. She's almost certainly incapable of sustaining a relationship with a male her own age. Your husband doesn't suffer from the same afflicition, only the programmed misperception that he's responsible for his mother and her happiness. He is not.
If your husband is currently unwilling to consider counseling, he needs to read and re-read these two books: When I Say No I Feel Guilty by Manuel J. Smith and No More Mr. Nice Guy by Robert A. Glover.
I wish both of you the very best and hope that he's able to overcome the parentally-installed buttons of Fear, Obligation and Guilt and become the strong and worthy man he, you and your children deserve.
His mother has attempted to make him her emotional spouse and to usurp his adult life. She's unworthy of his time and attention.
>And if all else fails mama knows how to throw down a decent salt line and chalk up a demon trap.
You might need some of <strong>these</strong> as well.
On top of what u/DesktopChill said. We used these at an apartment we used to live in when we had mold and we had to prove to the complex the company they hired was just coming in and not doing anything. As well as just lounging on our furniture and moving things around. Best part is they are very discreet.
Swiggy is wise. Listen to Swiggy.
Also check out the book, “How to Disappear.” Don’t keep it at home. Keep it at a friend’s house.
I would send her a proactive text: "we are not giving you our address, we do not want contact with you for the forseeable future, if you show up at our home we will consider it trespassing and call the police."
THEN, when she does show up (and she will, like you said public records and all that jazz) you not only have it on cameras, but you have that text to show the police that this is NOT a concerned mother this is a woman throwing a fit because she's losing power and control over her son.
I'm sure a lot of people have pointed you to homedefense or security stuff but I would also recommend a driveway alarm for the extra head's up.
Also, this is a great book on how babies are made for the elementary-school-age set: https://www.amazon.com/Mummy-Laid-Egg-Babette-Cole/dp/0099299119/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1521382482&sr=8-1&keywords=Mommy+laid+an+egg